CHIP: Ahoy thar, landlubber!  Know where a sea rat such as meself can get a bottle of rum?

FUZZYWIG: Have you been nipping off of my home stash again, Chip?

CHIP: Nay, matey!  Today be Talk Like A Pirate Day, and I’m gettin’ in on the fun!  Arrrrrrrr!!!!

FUZZYWIG: Who are you, and what did you do with the serious, no-nonsense Chip?  The Chip I know would never partake in silly holidays.  At least, you wouldn’t toke with me on 4/20 Day.

CHIP: Thar’s nothin’ wrong with talking like pirates… or at least, what Hollywood’s completely incorrect stereotype of a pirate be.  It isn’t the same fucked up nonsense me has to tolerate on this barnacle infested Shelf!

FUZZYWIG: Yeah, let’s see how long that lasts…

TROLL: ‘Tis I, Pegleg Troll!  Scourge of the seas!  May I take your order, please?

CHIP: Arrrr, ye ain’t wearin’ no pegleg, matey!

TROLL: Pegleg Troll accidentally amputated me mast while twirling me sword, so me pegleg became a pegwilly!

FUZZYWIG: And I thought that was just a parrot in your pants.  Nice hat, dude…. er, matey.

TROLL: Pegleg Troll plundered it from a little sea monster in a booster seat at work, and was nearly keelhauled by the monster’s crab faced mother!  Avast, ye scurvy dog!!!!

FUZZYWIG: That’s not scurvy.  I’m pretty sure it’s just mange.

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! I HAS A JOLLY ROGER! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: Hush, puppy.

CHIP: Arrrrrr, me smells a rat!  Or something that stinks to high heaven…

FUZZYWIG: Looks like our sea dog has turned the stage into a poopdeck.  I think it’s time to put him on a slow boat to the Chinese buffet…

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! POOP SHUFFLEBOARD! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

TROLL: Pegleg Troll will go fetch me deck swabbing tools…

BUSTER: Oh boy!  Baby Ruths!

CHIP: Oy, me stomach may need to empty overboard.

FUZZYWIG: Buster….. that’s dogshit.

BUSTER: Mmmmm, goes good with the dead fish that washed ashore for breakfast!

CHIP: Buster, ’tis Talk Like A Pirate Day!  Ye should get in the mood of the high seas!

FUZZYWIG: Did somebody say “high” seas?

BUSTER: Gee, that sounds swell!  I mean, arrrrr, me loves the pirate culture!  Bring on the adventure of the seafaring life!

CHIP: Um, did somebody release the Kraken?

FUZZYWIG: No, but I just released some gas.

BUSTER: Ooh, I didn’t know there was calamari on this ship!  I think I still have room for…. oh wait!  No!  I can’t go swimming.  I just ate an hour ago, and I’ll get a cramp and drown (BLUB!)….

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! THE WRECK OF THE BUSTER FITZGERALD! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

CHIP: Avast!  It appears Buster has a meetin’ with Davy Jones’ Locker…

SCRATCHY: Did somebody say Davy Jones?

FUZZYWIG: I try LSD one time…. ONCE…. and still, all these flashbacks.

CHIP: Where did that scurvy earworm come from, sea witch?

SCRATCHY: From pirate radio, of course!

HUNG LO: This is your captain speaking…

(Fleabag hides behind his master)

CHIP: And what ship be ye the captain of, blimey whale?

HUNG LO: Boeing 767 bound for Thailand.  Only passengers going through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

FUZZYWIG: I’ve seen flying ships while I’m stoned, but not when I’m….. wait, I’m never sober.

CHIP: Today be Talk Like A Pirate Day, sea bass!  Ye shouldn’t be flying aeroplanes, but guiding pirate ships!

HUNG LO: In Japan, L and R sounds both alike.  Since Hung Lo is Shelf’s generic Asian stereotype, Hung Lo celebrating Talk Like A Pilot Day.  Would you care for some in-flight fortune cookies?

FUZZYWIG: How many of them warn you your plane is going to crash?

CHIP: Those are nuts!

HUNG LO: No, they are legumes!  Steering wheel on Hung Lo’s lap is driving me nuts!  Ha! Ha! Ha!!!!

FUZZYWIG: Shouldn’t you be preboarding your plane now, Lindbergh?  Preferably with my dog in the cargo hold?

From the airport to the carport….

SNUGGLE: ‘Sup, bitches!!!

FUZZYWIG: It’s another non-believer, Chip.

CHIP: Arrrrrr, ye drowned rat!  It’s Talk Like a Pirate Day!  You should…

SNUGGLE: Dafuq you call me!?!?  You’re lucky I’m chillin’ out with Captain Morgan right now, or I’d clothesline you with my hook!

FUZZYWIG: Pretty sure that’s not Captain Morgan in that cheapass bottle.

SNUGGLE: Why waste money on the expensive shit?  it all tastes like kerosene anyway!

ZAC: Oh boy oh boy oh boy!!!  Talk Like A Pirate Day is here!  Finally!  I always wanted to be a swashbuckler on the seas!  Clang!  Swoop!  Engarde!  Thwack!  Oh no, he chopped my nutsack off!  There goes me jewels!  Yo ho ho and a bottle of Red Bull!  Let’s set sail for the Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini Islands and search for Pirate Douchebeard’s buried treasure!  Arrrrr, mateys!  Let’s sing some totally kickass sea shanties!

CHIP: Please shut up….

ZAC: Fifteen men on a dead man’s breast!  Man, that’s gotta hurt!  I’m having chest pains!  Sixty-nine paces north-northwest and X marks the spot!

SNUGGLE: Yo, if you really wanna play pirate dude, why don’t you go walk that plank?

ZAC: Cool beans!  A plank!  Tie up the landlubber and throw him overboard!  let him swim with the sharks!  And the octopussies!  And the catfish!  And the otters!!!  Mama, look at me, I’m walking the plank!  Leader of the candy cane mutiny!  Time to swim with the fishies….. (BLUB!)

CHIP: Aye, that minnow’s messed up in the head.

FUZZYWIG: Ya think?

SNUGGLE’ What’s pirate-speak for a retar….

Yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

MITZI: Like, arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr and stuff!  It’s time to totally lower the gangbang!

CHIP: Nice to see ye’s on the program for today, sea lassie!

FUZZYWIG: If it isn’t the siren of the sea.  Where’s your fish tail, toots?

MITZI: Mitzi, like, only wears her mermaidcorn outfit when it’s Enchantment Under the Sea day at the strip club!  That way, Mitzi can, like, totally celebrate Pyrex day by shaking her booty!!!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! SNIFFING BOOTY! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: Now this pirate’s booty is the real treasure.

SNUGGLE: Fuck, I wanna plunder that booty!!!

BIG SCRAT: Me was thinkin’ the same thing meself!!!!

SNUGGLE: NOOOOOOOO!!!! I’m being attacked by a butt pirate!

BIG SCRAT: That’s Long Dong Scrat, the terror of the Hershey Seaway!  It’s time to drag your scurvy buns up to the crow’s nest to be my personal cabin boy!  Arrrrrrrrr!!!!!

SNUGGLE: (Grabs his bottle) Help!  Captain Morgan, take me away!!!

BIG SCRAT: Ye can forgets the captain!  I’ll put a little Big Scrat in ya!

CHIP: Arrrr, ye was right, Captain Cannabis.  Talk Like A Pirate Day can get very fucked up indeed…

FUZZYWIG: You ain’t seen nothing yet, patchy…

ZEEBA: ARRRRRRR!!!!  Captain Bloodbeard is out for BLOOD!!!!  (Waves around a tiny saber like she’s having a seizure)  Who wants to get stabbed first!?!?

BEARCAT: Settle down, sis!  You’re gonna poke someone’s eye out with that.

ZEEBA: Good!!!  Time to fuck shit up!!!

MITZI: Does mommy, like, have to totally wash her baby grrl’s mouth out with Summer’s Eve again?

ZEEBA: Captain Bloodbeard’s got you now, you bloody sea beast!!!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! CALL PETA! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

ZEEBA: (Puts sword up to Fleabag’s throat) Now it’s time for BLOOD! Let’s turn the high seas into the red seas!!!  DIE! DIE! DIE!!!!

SHADOW: Greetings, critters!

FUZZYWIG: That’s, ahoy mateys.  Don’t ruin Chip’s fun.

CHIP: I’m not so sure I’m in the mood for Talk Like a Pirate Day anymore.

SHADOW: Talk Like a Pirate Day?  Foolish imbeciles.  That made up occasion is tomorrow.

CHIP: What?

FUZZYWIG: Eh, Chip forgot it was a leap year.

SHADOW: Allow me to educate you on your phony holidays.  Here is what we are celebrating today….

FUZZYWIG: You made that up.

SHADOW: Of course I did…. just like somebody made up Talk Like A Fictional Seafaring Thief Day, and it spread like the social disease it is.  Well,  let’s kick off the celebration, shall we critters?

CHIP: You’re saying we have to talk like….. like…..

SHADOW: Precisely!

CHIP: But the only fox expression I know is ………………………………….

FUZZYWIG: Sigh.  It’s almost 4:20, my mouth will be busy with other things anyway. …………………….

ZEEBA: Fucking BULLSHIT!!!!! ………………… BLOOD! ………………………………………

MITZI: Like, totally …………………………………..

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! …………………………………… BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

CHIP: …………………………………

FUZZYWIG: ………………………………..

MITZI: ………………………………..

ZEEBA: ……………………………….

FLEABAG: …………………………………

SHADOW: The Shelf would be a much better place if every day was Talk Like A Fox Day.  Wouldn’t you agree?

MR. FOX: …………………………………………