Maxed Out

a box full of junk

I have one more set of park squirrel photos from June to feature, but there still may be some Saturday Squirrel worthy pics from that set…. so let’s go back to something that I quietly killed off when I began the Squirrels in the Park series…. Random Image Inspiration!  Yes, I’m going to dump an entire bottle of Heet in the gas tank and fire up the Randomator for the first time in five months.  Let’s see if it can spit out four numbers for us before the engine explodes…

2, 27, 36, 22

The 2nd post in my Reader was this one by Marilyn

The 27th word in that post is “credit”

The 36th word in that post is “good”

And even after all this time, the Randomator still spits out stuff that leaves little doubt what will emerge from the image box…

Putting “credit good” into Google Images brought this up as the 22nd result…

I missed the mini SCT episodes these posts often inspired me to create…

SNUGGLE: Fuck yeah!  Look what came in the mail today!  My very own pre-approved credit card with my name, SNUGGLE Z. BEAR, on the front!  This baby’s got no limit either!

CHIP: It also says in the fine print that the interest rate is 169.98%.

SNUGGLE: I can’t hear you… all I can hear is the “Ch-Ching!” of my own personal cash register sounding off!  It’s time to paint this town white…. er, red!  I meant red!

CHIP: This can’t possibly end well.  Better go offstage and grab the popcorn…

SNUGGLE: BURP!  Damn, the number nine combo was great!  I’m gonna have the shits all night!

TROLL: The check, sir.

SNUGGLE: Oh, yeah.  Put it on my new no limit card!

TROLL: Excellent, sir.  How much should I add as a tip?

SNUGGLE: I’ll run the chip reader up your ass if you charge me a tip!  You know how many troll hairs I had to pick out of my food?

TROLL: I’ll just enter $50,000 then.  I shall return shortly with your carbon copy receipt….

UNCLE SAM: This fine piece of machinery was previously owned by a little old lady who only drove it to bingo every Sunday night.

SNUGGLE: That’s a bad ass car!  What did you say the Kelly Blue Book value was on it again?

SAM: Errrrrr, the yappy dog that appears in our annoying ads ate our copy of the KBB.  How about I just sell this practically brand new 1992 model to you for….. oh….. twelve-nine?

SNUGGLE: $1290?

SAM: $12,900.

SNUGGLE: Damn, that’s highway robbery for this lemon!  Oh, fuck it!  I got free money here…. put it on this card!

SNUGGLE: (Opens the door) Damn!  The Jehova’s Witnesses are getting some sexy recruiters!

MITZI: Would you, like, like to totally buy some Grrl Scout cookies?

SNUGGLE: Aren’t you a little old to be in the Girl Scouts?  Though I like how that kid’s shirt accentuates your cleavage!

MITZI: Totally!  But now you can totally buy some of Mitzi’s “extra services” without, like, going to jail!

SNUGGLE: Fuck yeah!  I’ll take a box of Samoans with a BJ on the side!

MITZI: Mitzi’s hummies are, like, very expensive!

SNUGGLE: Bitch, please!  (Whips out card) I’m loaded!

MITZI: Yaysies!  Like, American Express will do nicely, thank you!

NURSE RAINY: The lab results say you have syphilis, gonorrhea, and herpes!

SNUGGLE: I hope that Girl Scout who gave me all this got her merit badge in VD.

RAINY: What did you just say!?!?

SNUGGLE: Ummmm, nevermind.  Look, can we fix this up so it doesn’t feel like I’m pissing lighter fluid anymore?

RAINY: You’re going to have to take these extra large suppositories as well as this injection into your testicles.

SNUGGLE: Fuck, that might hurt!

RAINY: The only thing that’s going to hurt is the bill you’re going to get for these latest advances in STD technology.

SNUGGLE: (Produces the card from his hospital gown) I can cover that.  Now can I at least get a feel up before you stab my fucking balls with that thing?

SNUGGLE: Dude!  I need a hit!

FUZZYWIG: Dude, I need some jack to pay the mortgage on my drug house.

SNUGGLE: I’m desperate!  My nuts are killing me, and I need to take the edge off this pain!

FUZZYWIG: Mary Jane is always at your service…. for the right price.

SNUGGLE: I don’t care what it costs!  I got a no limit credit card!

FUZZYWIG: Sorry, but the illegal drug trade is a cash only business.

SNUGGLE: If I had any fucking cash, I’d roll that up and smoke it!  Screw it, I’m sure I can just buy MARIHUANA off the counter at Mecca now.  Buzz off, loser!

SHADOW: Greetings, sir!

SNUGGLE: Oh, what are you selling?  Doesn’t matter, (waves card) I’ll take ten of them!

SHADOW: Mr. Snuggle Z, Bear, I’m here from the PlasterCard collection agency, and we are looking to collect on your monthly bill of two million six hundred and seventy-nine thousand four hundred and twenty dollars and fifteen cents.

SNUGGLE: Dafuq!?!?  I don’t have that kind of money!  Wait, can I put it on my card?

SHADOW: Hmmmmmm….. seems like I’ll be forced to seize all of your assets.

SNUGGLE: Dude, you touch me and I’ll stomp on your Pokeballs!

SHADOW: I was referring to this wealth you seem to have accumulated since you received our pre-approved spam offer.  But, if you won’t allow me to liquidate your assets, then I suppose I’ll have no choice but to summon my enforcer.

SNUGGLE: Yeah, whatever.  You ain’t touching my shit!

SHADOW: Very well….

Shadow does his usual magic….

ZEEBA: Yeah!!!  Do I get to fuck shit up now?

SHADOW: This critter refuses to pay off his credit card debt.  He needs to be taught a lesson in fiscal responsibility.

ZEEBA: That still means I can fuck shit up, right?  Who cares, I’m gonna go cut me a deadbeat bitch!!!!  BLOOD!  BLOOD!  BLOOD!  A pound of flesh and BLOOD!!!!

SNUGGLE: NO!!!! Please, take my assets!  Just keep that psycho bitch away from me!

SHADOW: I thought you’d see things my way.  And since even reselling all of this merchandise won’t cover your hefty interest payments, I shall also notify the authorities…

SNUGGLE: Damn, I just go out and spend beyond my means on credit like every other red blooded shelf critter would do, and look what it gets me…. making license plates in prison!

BIG SCRAT: Say there, teddy bear, you think you could use that credit card you have there to restock the soap in the shower?  I seem to have….. used it all up.

SNUGGLE: No, I’m not going to….

BIG SCRAT: You might also want to invest in a few bottles of lube as well.  I plan on swiping my magnetic strip in and out of your card reader all night long!

SNUGGLE: NOOOOOO!!!! I’m never opening my mail ever again!!!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Random Image Inspiration and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Maxed Out

  1. HAHAHAHAHA…..alright – I was in the mood for a really good giggle and you definitely filled the bill (no – not credit card bill). Watch out for pre-approved spam!

    Pam

    • My one and only credit card was a pre-approved offer I got not long after I moved in my house 11 years ago. Of course, I didn’t go out spending like Snuggle Bear and his blank check! Not to mention I’ve paid the balance off every mot\nth while also getting cash rewards! And not the kind of “rewards” Uncle Snuggie’s gonna be getting from Big Scrat….

  2. They lie, they lie, they lie. I’ve got GREAT credit, but I’m precisely 1% over the “acceptable” credit limit for our “salary,” so we can’t get refinanced (even though it comes witha LOWER PAYMENT RATE (does that make ANY SENSE?) … but I can get as many car loans and home repair loans as I want. Did you know that if you CANCEL a credit card (because you never use it or you paid it off), this LOWERS your score? And every time you ASK for credit, that also lowers your score — even if you decide you don’t want the credit because the rate’s too high or you get a better offer elsewhere? They are devious, dark, and evil. Like you 😀

    • I had to attend one of those “credit classes” when I bought my home, because my grievous sin when I tried to get a mortgage for this house was that I didn’t have ANY credit. They told me to get a credit card, buy something for about $50 on it, then pay off just the minimum balance every month. That will keep my credit score healthy while also turning my $50 purchase into something like $100 in the long run. Screw that… I hate being in debt anyway. My mortgage is still the only outstanding debt I have, and I’m sure it’s doing very little for my credit score…

  3. Y’know, back when I was sort of mid-career with the tech writing thing, my then-boss said that all computers should come with a stripe strip IN the computer so you don’t have to waste time entering numbers. He wuz right!

  4. I guessed it as I read the word credit… our dad said he sometimes feels like snuggle bear… LOL

  5. Credit cards are just EVIL. There’s ALWAYS a price tag, even for those who have ‘platinum’ credit…yeah. Say! I just noticed the real limit on that gift card. Someone has good friends….

    • That Beltone “gift card” is a fake I got in the mail. I swear to Dog, nobody’s worse at snail mail spam than those fucking hearing aid companies. And if the gift card was for $850, you can just imagine how much the hearing aids actually cost…

  6. And yet banks keep on a-offering.

  7. Trisha says:

    Uncle Snuggie just never learns!

  8. draliman says:

    I feel most sorry for Zeeba. She’s so enthusiastic but she still didn’t get to “fuck any shit up”.

  9. Mer O'Leary says:

    My home insurance just decided to drop me after two months because of my lack of credit! Bastards. Thankfully my kid has good credit.

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