A Stand Up Actor

HEDDY: So tell me, Mr. Bear, about your captivating career as an actor here on Shelf Critter Theatre!

BROTHER BEAR: Aw Heddy, the story of my rise to celebrity stardom isn’t all that fascinating!  I have some pretty humble origins.

HEDDY: A critter of your talents certainly has some awesome tidbits that we can embellish and gossip about here at TMIZ!  Just start at the beginning!  How did you get into the acting business in the first place?

BROTHER: Well, you see, I was working as a waitress at a cocktail bar….. no wait, that was a song I heard this morning.  Oh yeah, I remember it like it was yesterday!  I remember living with my guardian Merby, and….

FUZZY…. er, MERBY: Alright Brother Bear.  You’ve spent enough time around my crib just laying on your ass all day.  You need to start earning your own keep.

BROTHER: Gosh, ma’am.  There really isn’t much I can do in my condition…

MERBY: That’s not my problem.  I’m sending you off to my friend Evil Squirrel so you can star in his Shelf Critter Theatre stories.  Help make me famous and shit…

BROTHER: But I’ve never acted before!  And how will I get there?

MERBY: You’ll be going first class, kiddo…

MERBY: Or maybe third class if the postage ends up being too expensive.

BROTHER: Are you sure it’s OK to send live critters through the U.S. Mail?

MERBY: How should I know?  The only thing I ever order is….. well, you know.  I’ll just tell the clerk I’m sending a stuffed animal…

BROTHER: Are you going to poke some holes in the box….?

MERBY: Nah, then I’d have to add more duct tape.  Bon voyage, douchepimple!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! PEE MAIL! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

MERBY: You know, I still have enough Paul McCartney stamps underneath my stash to overnight you to the Chinese Buffet, mutt…

HEDDY: That’s OMG worthy!  I’ll bet nobody else in the business got their start by being mailed to Hollywood!

BROTHER: It wasn’t fun… especially that two weeks I spent forgotten about in a Bumfuck, Mississippi postal warehouse.  But I eventually made it to my destination…

SANTA: Package for a Mr. E. Squirrel!  I need your autograph on my device, putz!

EVIL SQUIRREL: Dammit!  Can’t you see I’m busy here?

SANTA: Yeah, I can hear the sounds of PornHub from here.  That’s another checkmark for you on the naughty list.

ES signs for the package, and pays the $10 C.O.D. charge…

ES: Who in the hell sent me a package?  I’m pretty sure it’s not time for my 80’s cassette of the month from Columbia House…

ES gets out his box cutter and starts opening the package…

YEOWWWWWW!!!!

ES: Dafuq is this shit?

BROTHER: I’m Brother Bear, sent by Merby to become the next star of your Shelf Critter Theatre series!  Can I have a Band-Aid for my boo boo?

ES: I’ll fetch Zeeba to make that cut worse if you keep spouting off stupid shit like wanting to become a part of SCT.

BROTHER: Oh dear, I was afraid of this.  Can you come closer, sir?

ES: What for?

BROTHER: Merby said that if you wouldn’t let me appear in Shelf Critter Theatre, that I was to smack the shit out of you.  And since I can’t get up….

ES: What do you mean “can’t get up!?!?”

BROTHER: I can’t sit or stand.  All I can do is lay here due to a manufacturing defect.

ES: And you want to be a Shelf critter when you can’t even move!?!?

BROTHER: I’m sure it wouldn’t be too much of an inconvenience to have an aide or two prop me into position while I deliver my lines….

ES: GET OUT OF MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW!!!!

SLIDER: Sir, is this critter impeding on your rights?

ES: Yes, he’s completely wasting my valuable time….

SLIDER: I was talking to the bear.

BROTHER: Sir, it seems I can’t get a job here at Shelf Critter Theatre due to my inability to get up.

SLIDER: Nonsense!  The Critters With Disabilities Act specifically protects you from this kind of workplace discrimination!  There’s no reason this critter can’t perform his job if you give him a reasonable accommodation.

ES: I’m going to give him a reasonable accommodation right out the door on his lazy ass in just a minute…

SLIDER: If this critter is refused employment based on his disability, I’ll file a lawsuit on his behalf!

ES: Grrrrrrr……….. welcome aboard, I guess.

BROTHER: Hooray!

HEDDY: Oh my, I never knew you overcame such adversity to become the acting legend you are!

BROTHER: I’m an inspiration to everyone, ain’t I?  So Mr. Squirrel had me sit… er, lie off the set for the first few days so I could watch and observe the process to train to be a stand-in.

HEDDY: And were you a fast learner?

BROTHER: Oh yes.  In fact, I got quite an education the first day on the job…..

ES: Alright, quiet on the set!!!  Troll, make sure you get Sparklepony’s good side in the shot!

TROLL: Shouldn’t I be filming from the back then, sir?

SPARKLEPONY: Excuse me?

BROTHER: This is so interesting!

ES: You just be quiet and take notes in case I ever let you in front of the camera!  OK everyone…… ACTION!!!

SPONKIE 1: Hey ma!  Can we go visit Santa and tell him what we want for Christmas?

SPARKLEPONY: No.

SPONKIE 2: Pleeeeeeeease Mommy?

SPARKLEPONY: I have it on good authority Santa won’t be visiting this stable this year except to put me some brand new designer horseshoes under the tree…

MITZI: Like, hai and stuff!!!

BROTHER: Oh, hello miss!

MITZI: Whatcha, like, totally doing?

BROTHER: I’m watching this scene to learn how to be an actor!  It’s kinda boring, but I need to learn.

MITZI: Mitzi can, like, totally give you some acting tips!  Come with Mitzi!

BROTHER: Sorry miss, but I can’t get up.

MITZI: (Placing her hoof in a strategic location): Oooooh, it looks like one part of you totally knows how to stand up!

BROTHER: So this is that strange feeling that Shadow always talks about inside his Pokeballs.  Kinda like whizzing on an electric fence!

MITZI: Let Mitzi give you some lessons she learned her first day on the casting couch!

ES: CUT!!! What in the hell is going on behind….

ES: Seriously!?!?

SPARKLEPONY: Don’t look, children!!!

SPONKIE 1: Isn’t that the same lady that was in Pa’s room last Friday while Ma was at Bingo?

SPONKIE 2: Shhhhhhh!!!  Daddy said not to tell Mommy about that!

ES: You were supposed to just be observing….. not actively participating with your co-workers, idiot!

BROTHER: (muffled between Mitzi’s….. um…..) Sorry sir.  It will never happen again.  Oh, and thanks for the mammaries, miss.

TROLL: (continuing filming) I’m definitely getting this for my private collection!

HEDDY: Wow!  I always figured kinky stuff like that happened behind the scenes on the Shelf!

BROTHER: First day and I lost my virginity and 18 years worth of future pay!  And I hadn’t even gotten in front of the camera yet.  But that would change a few days later…

ES: Alright guys, this is the scene where you two talk about how lovely the weather is and piss Rainy off.

CHIP: I knew I should have called off work…

ZAC: Oh boy oh boy oh boy!!! Spray me baby spray me!!!  Gag me with a skunk spoon!

CHIP: … for numerous reasons.

ES: You’re in luck, Chip, because Rainy had to stay home since its her “time of the month.”

CHIP: Isn’t it always her time of the month?

ES: Unless you want to be in the middle of a Zeeba approved scene, we’re going to have to use her stand in today.  TRACTOR!!!!

HUNG LO: Hung Lo demands hazard pay for pushing dead weight around.

ES: Take it up with the Shelf Critters Guild.  Now get back to the catering truck and get those dragon balls medium-well how I like them!

CHIP: Who is this stiff?

ES: This stiff is going to play Rainy’s roles today.

BROTHER: I hope I can pull it off.  I don’t really look like a skunk…

ES: Good actors can make people believe they’re anyone.  Now take this rain gauge and follow the cue cards if you get stuck!  OK….. ACTION!!!!

CHIP: Uhmmm…. geez, the weather sure is great today.

ZAC: Yeppers!  SunnySunnySunny!!!  Fun in the sun!  Let the sun shine in!  I’m walking on sunshine and don’t you feel good!!!

BROTHER: I, um, don’t like the sunshine.  Why doesn’t it ever rain on this (straining to see) uhhhh…. oh, god forsaken Shelf?

CHIP: But you can’t have a picnic in the rain.

ZAC: Or go to the beach!  Or the ballpark!  Or the planetarium!  Or the shooting range!  or the…

CHIP: How can you enjoy the great outdoors if it rains?

BROTHER: You want to experience the great outdoors?  Here, get a good whiff of this fresh air….

CHIP: Oh no!  Run for cover!

ZAC: Yay!  Here comes the stinky stuff!  The green gas!  The funky cloud!  The…

BROTHER: Spray them!

ES: Dude!  You weren’t supposed to read that part!  That was a stage direction!  Now spray them!!!

BROTHER: Oh, so very sorry!  Let’s see what I can muster up….

CHIP: Holy moly!  That’s ten times worse than Rainy’s spray!

ZAC: Stinky! Stinky! Stinky! Stinky! Stinky! Stinky! Stinky! Stinky…. (passes out)

ES: (Gagging) What the hell?  That’s (hack!) fucking toxic!!!

Everyone on the set joins Zac unconscious on the floor.

BROTHER: Looks like that bean burrito in the commissary was a good choice this morning!  Did I do good, Mr. Squirrel?  Oh, and can you send a stagehand with a moist towelette please?  I may have sharted myself…

HEDDY: I’m totally digging this story, Mr. Bear!  And I know our nosy viewers will as well!

BROTHER: It’s about to get better, because just a few weeks and a couple more ill-fated stand-ins later… I got my big break!

HEDDY: Your own real scene in a Shelf Critter Theatre play!?!?

BROTHER: Not just a scene… I got the title role!!!

ES: OK, folks.  This week’s…

FUZZYWIG: You mean this month’s.

ES: Yeah, whatever… this month’s… hey wait!  You forgot to take your wig off from your Merby role, Fuzzy!!!

FUZZYWIG: Huh?  Oh, so I did.  Can I keep it to use for any random hair tests for MARIHUANA?

ES: No, put it back in the prop closet!  Now, our next episode is going to be a parody of Peter Pan!  Who wants the honor of landing the starring role as the critter who never grew up?

CHIP: I sure as hell ain’t dangling from the rafters in an elf suit.

FUZZYWIG: I usually feel like I’m flying around 4:20, but not for these early morning shoots…

TROLL: I’ll have to pass.  The last time I wore tights, I wound up getting lesions on my scrotum and had to have it amputated.

ES: When did you ever wear tights in one of my skits?

TROLL: That…. er… may have been during my crossdressing days.  Forget I mentioned it…

ES: Mr. Fox?  Would you play Peter Pan?

MR. FOX: …………………………..

ES: Come on, someone has to the brave enough to play….

ES: I think I found a volunteer!

BROTHER: Huh?  I was counting the holes in the ceiling tile again…

ES: What do you know about Peter Pan?

BROTHER: Um…. it tastes pretty good in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

FUZZYWIG: Dammit!  Now I have the munchies…

ES: Good enough… you got the part!  Troll!  Rig him up….

ES: Alright kids!  Tina, you’re going to play Wendy.

TINA: Wendy’s a dumb name!  How about Elsa instead?

ES: And you brothers are going to play the Lost Boys.

SQUIRREL CHILD 1: Cool!!!!

CHILD 2: I loved that movie!

CHILD 3: I always wanted to play a vampire!

CHILD 4: I vant to suck you blood!

LITTLEST: You do and I’m telling mommy!!!

ES: Sigh… if only child labor wasn’t so temptingly cheap.  OK, places everyone and….. ACTION!!!

TINA: Alright boys, wanna go to Neverland today?

CHILD 2: And stay with Michael Jackson?

CHILD 3: He’s dead!

CHILD 4: Even worse, he’s a prevert!

LITTLEST: I call dibs on playing with Bubbles!

BROTHER: Ahoy there children!!!!

CHILD 1: Yay!  It’s Peter Pan!

BROTHER: Who wants to play with me today?

LITTLEST: Get back, you weirdo sissy boy!

TINA: Do you think we’ll meet the pirates today, Pete?

BROTHER: I’ve heard reports the nefarious Captain Hook is lurking about, and I’ll need some good strong boys to help take him down!

TROLL: Damn, this dude is heavier than he looks!  This reminds me of hauling my 600 pound mom up the stairs when the chair lift broke down.

BUB: (Checks watch) Looks like it’s time for my 15 minute break.  I need to pee anyway…

Bub drops his rope and walks away…

TROLL: Hey, where are you going?  You don’t even have a weewee to pee with anyway!  Get back here before we end up dropping….

BUSTER: Aha!!!  Tis I, Captain Hook, ready to capture a few more boys to make into slaves on my ship!!!!

TINA: You need to do something fast, Pete!  Slavery is illegal these days!

CHILD 3: Our mom doesn’t know that…

BUSTER: Avast….. my spleen!

TINA: YAY Petey!!!  You totally took out that nasty pirate!!!

ES: CUT!!!!!  This wasn’t in the script!!!!

BROTHER: Sorry sir.  I seem to have fallen down, and I can’t get up.

ES: I didn’t give you the go ahead to ab-lib!!!  You just killed my most talented actor and ruined the whole episode!!!

TINA: Way to go, peterhead!

ES: I’m calling security!  You’re never working on this Shelf again!!!!!!!!!!!!

HEDDY: Your story has me spellbound, Mr. Bear!  I’m assuming you weren’t actually barred from working in Shelf Critter Theatre again.

BROTHER: No, that kind Slider guy came by to read Evil Squirrel the riot act again…. so I got to stay.  But my starring episode got canned for good.  At least I got the role of a lifetime later on…

HEDDY: I must know!  Who did you play?

BROTHER: The Wicked Witch of the East!

BROTHER: My signature role!

HEDDY: Wait a minute…. that was YOU!?!?!?

BROTHER: Yep!  Would you like me to autograph a publicity photo of that scene to put on your icebox?

HEDDY: What’s your name again?

BROTHER: Brother Bear!  That’s B-R-O-T…

HEDDY: Dammit!!!!

HEDDY: I came here to interview SNUGGLE BEAR for our show!  Not some talentless nobody like your horizontal carcass!!!!

BROTHER: I can get his autograph for you if you’d like…

HEDDY: (Closing notebook) No need…. I’m out of here!  Don’t expect to see your story on TV anytime soon, LOSER!!!

BIG SCRAT: Did I hear the name of my favorite Snuggle Bear?

BROTHER: Sorry Mr. Scrat, but he’s down at the titty bar right now…

HEDDY: Yes sir, there he is right there!

BIG SCRAT: I thought so!  It’s hard to tell without my contacts in…

BROTHER: Wait a minute!  I’m not…

BIG SCRAT: You seemed to pack on a few pounds since our last romp, Snuggie Wuggie Teddy Bear!  Oh well, more cushion for the pushin’ as they say.  Assume the position!

BROTHER: But I can’t…

BIG SCRAT: Here, let me help you…

BROTHER: Ack!

BIG SCRAT: (Getting handsy) Oh yeah, I’d know those flabby bear cheeks anywhere!  It’s time to introduce you to my best boy grip…

BROTHER: Oh dear…. Mr. Slider!  Merby!  HELP!!!!

HEDDY: Oh yeah!  This one’s definitely going in my private collection…

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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13 Responses to A Stand Up Actor

  1. Uhoh……Brother certainly has been officially initiated into the club (literally). Being unable to stand or sit will come in handy I’m sure. Some of the Theater’s best productions involve being in that position! This is sooooooooooooooo hilarious!

    Pam

  2. draliman says:

    Yep, he’s a natural. Close encounters with Mitzi and Big Scrat, killed Buster – he’ll fit right in!

  3. Did I accidently tune into KINK TV?

  4. mydangblog says:

    Great to have an acting job that only involves lying down–lucky he’s really good at it. And douchepimple? That’s as good as our Canadian “douchecanoe”!

  5. Trisha says:

    I had no idea Brother Bear led such an exciting life on the Shelf. I should have known that no critter would remain unmolested for long with Mitzi and Scrat around. And that even a completely paralyzed critter could manage to kill Buster!

  6. Mer O'Leary says:

    OMG!! That was fucking hilarious!! I laughed, I cried, I might’ve soiled my pantaloons…
    I’m sorry Brother Bear, but Merby can’t help you now! I’m seriously sorry!
    By the way, what’s it like to meet Fuzzwig in person? I’m so jealous.

    • Fuzzywig’s, like, totally chill and stuff, and……. ummmm…. that’s all I can remember about our meetings, dude.

      I’m glad you didn’t miss this since it was put together just for you. Not only Brother Bear’s first starring role, but I think he’s the only one to get a ride from Mitzi AND Big Scrat in the same episode!

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