Crank Callers

a box full of junk

When the spirit so moves us on Wednesdays, The Nest likes to find its inspiration in the most unlikely of places… with a little help from you, Google, and a program that draws numbers out of its ass a hat.  Welcome to another exciting edition of Random Image Inspiration!  Let’s see what numbers we have to play with this week…

39, 71, 38, 80

I love it when the Randomator finds someone other than the usual suspects, but this week’s unsuspecting contributor was a complete surprise!

The 39th post in my Reader was this one by DiAnne Ebejer (It’s a good rock and roll post, too!)

The 71st word in that post is “to”

The 38th word in that post is “Eagles”

No, it’s not a corner in Winslow, Arizona… but putting “to eagles” into Google Images did turn this up as the 80th result…

LARRY: You’re listening to everyone’s favorite sports radio call-in show, Verbal Diarrhea, hosted by yours truly, Larry Loudmouth!  Last week, the Giants got their asses kicked by the Eagles… but what do you think about their quarterback?  We’re you impressed by Daniel Jones?  Shadow from Pallet Town, you’re on the air!

SHADOW: Was I impressed?  By an empty headed jock whose only skill is tossing around a point ball in a tight spiral?  You pathetic humans sure have pitifully low standards of what you find to be impressive.

LARRY: Did you even watch the game, caller?

SHADOW: Of course not!  There was a televised four-dimensional chess tournament on Channel 69 at the time… do you think I’d stoop to watching an American football game when there’s exciting pawn to pawn action to take in instead?  Tell me, Mr. Loudmouth, were you impressed by I.Q. Brainiac’s moves despite his loss to the grandmaster Waldo Wedgie?

LARRY: (flipping a switch under his desk) Oops, it looks like we lost contact to that idiot caller.  Let’s try this again… hello!  Rainy from Sunny Acres!  Were you impressed by Daniel Jones against the Eagles?

RAINY: I was quite unimpressed, thank you very much.  Any moron can play well when it’s sunny outside.

LARRY: Care to explain your opinion, Mr. Rainy?

RAINY: Mister!?!?  Do I sound like a mister to you?

LARRY: I’m sorry… ma’am?  We don’t get many chicks… I mean, females calling in to this show.

RAINY: I can believe that, since if you gave me your phone number I definitely wouldn’t be calling you back.  Here’s a goodbye text for you, meathead…

LARRY: (Cough, hack!)  Did that actually come through?  What kind of technology (gag!) did they install in this studio?

LARRY: Let’s keep trying until we find someone out there with at least half a brain.  Mitzi from Sugartown, were you impressed with Daniel Jones?

MITZI: Mitzi, like, is totally impressed with Danny Wanny!  Like, he’s got the body of a Greek Adidas!  He can totally split Mitzi’s uprights whenever he wants!

LARRY: What’s up with all of these weirdos calling in tonight?

MITZI: Mitzi’s, like, not a weirdo!  Mitzi watches football just to check out those totally tight ends on the tight ends!  If Danny wants to bring along his center to Mitzi’s bedroom, he can totally go for two!

LARRY: (Yanking out a few random cords) OK, that’s really enough of the lewd innuendo.  Let’s save that for the show’s holiday party.  Let’s try another caller… hello, you’re on Verbal Diarrhea!  Were you impressed by Daniel Jones performance?

…..

LARRY: Hello?

RRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!

SNUGGLE: Ahhhh, I’ve been saving that one up for a few days!  It almost drowns out the odor of that dope you’re smoking!

FUZZYWIG: Dude, I think you butt-dialed someone before you cut that cheese.

SNUGGLE: Really?  Oh man, I hope it was Big Scrat!

FUZZYWIG: You have Big Scrat’s number in your phone?  Interesting…

SNUGGLE: What?  I mean…. no!  I didn’t mean…… oh fuck!!!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BUSTED! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

LARRY: Dafuq is going on tonight?  Wait, can I say that on the air?  Aw, who gives a fuck?  I’m Larry Loudmouth, and I can say whatever I want with impunity!  Whatever that means.  OK, let’s try this one more time……. caller!  You’re on the air!  Please tell us if you were impressed with Daniel Jones after the loss to the Eagles!

ZEEBA: Zeeba’s NOT impressed!  How come his uniform isn’t covered in BLOOD?

LARRY: Excuse me?

ZEEBA: How come his face isn’t covered in BLOOD?  There should be BLOOD in his hair!!!

LARRY: The National Football League has rules that protect the quarterback, you know…

ZEEBA: BULLSHIT!!!!  What kind of a sissy league plays without BLOOD on the field!  Break the kicker’s leg!!!  Rip out the wide receiver’s spleen!!!  Punch the mascot in the nuts!!!!  I want BLOOD on the hashmarks!  BLOOD on the cheerleaders!  (Jumping up and down on the ancient flip phone) BLOOD on the goalposts!  Are you ready for some BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!!!!!!

BEARCAT: Wow, settle down, sis!

LARRY: I think after tonight, I might need to go on a year long hiatus.  Before we get removed from the air by a sponsor revolt, we have time for one more caller.  Hello, you’re on the air with Larry Loudmouth.  Were you impressed by Daniel Jones performance Sunday?

MR. FOX: ………………………………….

LARRY: I completely agree!  Damn, somebody listening to my show actually makes some sense for a change…

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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15 Responses to Crank Callers

  1. Mitzi we agree… that#s the reason a lot of peopl watch football ;O)))

  2. Thank you for the mention for my Rock and Roll blog. Glad you liked it. Good to hear from you!

  3. You lost me when the word “football” appeared on my monitor. Although, like Mitzi, IF I happen to stumble over a game (not on purpose. not EVER. Football sucks), the tight ends have my full attention. I often wonder how those possibly steroid enhanced jocks procreate, because most people think that the tighter the clothing, the less freedom for the ‘boys’. The little swimmers might become backed up in there, and simply die for want of some breathable air…especially if BRAPPPPPPPPPPPPPP is the odor of the day (nod to Snuggle. Holding that stuff IN is where shitty ideas come from, which we all know too, even if the prim don’t admit to knowing..) Football? Larry Loudmouth? Sports commentary and talk shows? Gawd. Take me to Fuzzy’s pronto. I’d have to be stoned to enjoy any of those.

    • They say steroids shrink the “baggage” as well…. so those poor swimmers are getting double squeezed. I was once a huge sports fan, but sports radio was a huge foreshadowing of what the social media age would be like. Loud and annoying all the time before it was cool…

  4. Oh man, its been a while since I’ve heard from Shadow, you know I’m his Number 1 fan! lol

  5. draliman says:

    I agree with Zeeba. She should be Shelf President, she talks a lot of sense.

  6. Even without any actual SPORT being involved, I think Mitzi scores a lot of porn points on AND off the Shelf. I bet Larry was sorry he EVER answered the calls from the Shelf – he should have blocked that number!

    Pam

  7. Mer O'Leary says:

    Big Scrat has a new arsehole to play with!

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