SEYMOUR: Mail call, Santa!
SANTA: Dammit, Seymour! Can’t you see I’m busy sexting with the Tooth Fairy right now?
SEYMOUR: Is that why your yule log is exposed, sir?
SANTA: (Zips fly on the fly) If you weren’t already ineligible to receive gifts as an employee of North Pole Enterprises, LLC I’d have your ass on the naughty list! Now take all of this junk mail and feed it to the reindeer!
SEYMOUR: It’s not junk mail, Santa! It’s letters from the Shelf critters!
SANTA: Like I said, junk mail! Sigh, oh fuck, like I have anything better to do now that I’ve had to cover up my tender vegetation. (Rips open a random letter) Might as well get this over with…
SANTA: A skateboard? What is this, the fucking 90’s? Damn mail’s so slow out here in the boonies. Well, should I make their Christmas a happy one or not?
SCRAT THE RED NOSED SQUIRRELDEER: SQUEEEEEEEEEEALLLLLL!!!!
SANTA: Oh, who asked you, circus freak?
SPONKIE 2: Oh look! Santa brought us a skateboard just like I wanted!
SPONKIE 1: You mean WE wanted, Sis.
SPONKIE 2: Something like that. Hey you, get off our skateboard!
NINJA ON A SKATEBOARD: Try and touch my skateboard, and I’ll cut off your toes!
SPONKIE 1: We have hooves, sir. We don’t have any toes.
NINJA: That’s because I already stealthily cut them off right in front of your eyes!
SPONKIE 2: I hope Santa saved the receipt!
a skateboard? is not on my wishlist this year … but I like the idea that it comes with a ninja guy… maybe it can be added to all gifts?
The best thing about gifting a ninja is you don’t have to mess with wrapping paper. They already can’t be seen…
Well I think it’s a most reasonable request – only ONE ITEM on a Christmas list is quite easily dealt with. I’ve seen some kids’ lists that are three pages long. AND I know of some parents who actually would GET three pages of wishlist gifts for the little greedy rugrats!
I’m sure the lists will get a bit more outrageous as Santa opens his many letters. And then feeds them all into the fire…
Knowing you and SCT – oh yeah, it will get more and more – adventurous. Do you plan 25 letters?
24. This will be this year’s Advent calendar. And I’ll be almost completely winging it since I Have few ideas for the remaining 23 letters…
BWAHAHAHAHA!! Well as long as the old guy brings some COMPETENT new leadership for America in the coming year, he can terrify and disappoint children all over the globe. Prepares them for their adult lives, don’t you know? (and laying a finger aside of his nose, and giving a wink, up the chimney he rose…)
Hahahaha. 🙂 Can’t wait for the next letter.
I’m sure Santa can’t wait either! My Santa is just so enthusiastic about his job…
There’s “been good, ben naughty and then there’s I tried.” These letters should be interesting.
I think many of these letters will fall beyond the “been naughty” category…
“Norman naughty” sounds definitely mild compared to what the Shelf Critters are capable of doing.
Even your “neighborhood hooligans” don’t hold a candle to my bunch…
I would concur with that sentiment!
I can’t believe Ninja has nicked their skateboard. Though I’m not going to argue with him.
Ninja’s just picking on the Sponkies because he knows they’re easy prey. He’ll be sorry if he ever takes Zeeba’s skateboard…
Now I’m officially singing “Santa’s Coming and He’s gonna kick your ass” (Arrogant Worms)!
That sounds like the kind of holiday song they need to play on the speakers at work…