Letters To Santa – Day 5

SEYMOUR: Santa!  You’ll be happy to know you can check a pony off of Tina’s wish list this year!

SANTA: Fuck Tina!  (Turning around) I could care less… what in the frozen hell!?!?  That’s a real live pony!  I thought you elves only made toys out there!

SEYMOUR: We came to an agreement with the stud farm down the road.  They supply us with ponies to give to all of the good little girls who ask for one, and in turn, we supply them with mating partners for their mares!

SANTA: Dafuq kind of kinky shit are you elves doing behind my back!?!?

SEYMOUR: The reindeer, sir.  We lend them our reindeer as studs.

SANTA: If I ever catch one of my reindeer mounting anything other than my sleigh, I’ll….


SANTA: I know a certain reindeer that’s going to be providing the Rocky Mountain oysters for this year’s holiday party!  I gotta clear this shit out of my head with another stupid ass letter…

SANTA: I see you returned that industrial sized bottle of Midol I sent you five years ago.  So you want a body spray to improve your appearance. No problem, bitch…

VAL: I’m killing that bastard.

Noooooo!  Think of the children!  They’ll be so disappointed!

VAL: That’s what I call a win/win!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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8 Responses to Letters To Santa – Day 5

  1. Well that will teach Val to be such an ungrateful cow – er – I mean unicorn!


  2. I knew a “Val” as a teenager and she was the most obnoxious cow. Looks like she grew up to fulfill her early ‘promise’ of being a total bitch. LOL. But I suppose she bought into that whole “the squeaky wheel gets the grease” idea…

    • I came up with my personality for Val because she just has that ornery look to her, and since she’s stuck inside a mug, I figured if that happened to me, I wouldn’t be the most cheerful person in the world either. Besides, how many pissy unicorns are out there?

  3. draliman says:

    Ah, Val, she’s my kinda girl. Treat me mean. Sorry, this is the Unicorn Fetishists’ website, yes?

  4. Val, Val, Val…don’t you know you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar?

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