SEYMOUR: Santa! What’s that awful sound being piped through the speakers?
SANTA: That, my friend, is what I call real music! I swapped out Mrs. Claus’ shitty ass record full of Christmas songs with my country and western mix tape!
SEYMOUR: But sir, it’s having a negative effect on the rest of the elves! Everyone left the workshop early to sled down to the bar and cry in their beer!
SANTA: Bunch of pansy asses! I’m sick of the nonstop holiday music! If I have to hear Burl Ives sing about his Holly Jolly Christmas one more time, I’m exhuming his body just so I can shove my holly jolly fist down his fucking throat!
SCRAT THE RED NOSED SQUIRRELDEER: SQUEEEEEEEEEEALLLLLL!!!!
SANTA: Yeah, and I’ll shove Gene Autry’s head right up Trigger’s ass as well!
SEYMOUR: Santa, I think you should calm down by reading another letter.
SANTA: I think I better calm down and read another letter before I piss on Bing Crosby’s remains and have him dream of a yellow Christmas…
SANTA: Sam, you know I still owe you a whole fuck-ton of coal! But I guess in light of your eventual eviction, I can gift you with the one thing every exiting politician really needs…
UNCLE SAM: Very funny… as if I can’t pardon myself. You know I’m still in power, Claus, and I’ll see to it you get a thorough strip searching at the border!