SEYMOUR: Santa! What’s that awful sound being piped through the speakers?
SANTA: That, my friend, is what I call real music! I swapped out Mrs. Claus’ shitty ass record full of Christmas songs with my country and western mix tape!
SEYMOUR: But sir, it’s having a negative effect on the rest of the elves! Everyone left the workshop early to sled down to the bar and cry in their beer!
SANTA: Bunch of pansy asses! I’m sick of the nonstop holiday music! If I have to hear Burl Ives sing about his Holly Jolly Christmas one more time, I’m exhuming his body just so I can shove my holly jolly fist down his fucking throat!
SCRAT THE RED NOSED SQUIRRELDEER: SQUEEEEEEEEEEALLLLLL!!!!
SANTA: Yeah, and I’ll shove Gene Autry’s head right up Trigger’s ass as well!
SEYMOUR: Santa, I think you should calm down by reading another letter.
SANTA: I think I better calm down and read another letter before I piss on Bing Crosby’s remains and have him dream of a yellow Christmas…
SANTA: Sam, you know I still owe you a whole fuck-ton of coal! But I guess in light of your eventual eviction, I can gift you with the one thing every exiting politician really needs…
UNCLE SAM: Very funny… as if I can’t pardon myself. You know I’m still in power, Claus, and I’ll see to it you get a thorough strip searching at the border!
They probably print those cards like money…
I wish Santa would bring me one of those. I feel like doing some naughty things…
A quiet exit even with an illegal pardon might be welcome given the ‘noise’ over the past few years.
Can we at least add a boot in the ass?
What an interesting post!
BWAHAHHAHHA!!! That current “Sam” deserves all that coal dumped on his orange ass, which hopefully will kill that bastard, thereby fulfilling every thinking American’s dearest Christmas wish. Santa could kill two ‘birds’ with one stone….
I understand. They’ve been decking the damn halls since Halloween. You’d think they’d be done by now, but oh no. If I catch them (and Burl), I’m going to tie them up with their own holly and leave them in the parking lot.
I’ve worked 23 Christmases in retail now, so I’m numb to it now. Enough that I look at people strangely when they complain about Christmas trees being out in September! I’ve been brainwashed to always be one or two holidays ahead!
Yep, he’s going to need one of those, I’m thinking. Even if the only charge ends up as “gross mismanagement”.
As long as it doesn’t get him out of the public flogging and time in the stocks…
Has Santa been hanging out with Zeeba lately? He’s always been pretty salty but he seems extra riled up this year! But funny too. His rantings in this episode were hilarious.