SANTA: It’s time for your annual performance evaluation, Seymour. I’m afraid this won’t paint you in a very favorable light given all of the complaints I’ve received about you from parents.
SEYMOUR: But Santa! I’ve always been a very good elf on the shelf! I only snitch to you on the really rotten children!
SANTA: This has nothing to do with your ethics, Seymour. You look fucking creepy doing your job, and more than one mother has said she wants to run your sick ass through the paper shredder! Try to be a little less conspicuous while spying on the rugrats, and quit watching the women dress!
SEYMOUR: No offense, sir, but you slide down people’s chimneys, prowl around their homes and eat their milk and cookies. Your job is pretty creepy too!
SANTA: Yep, I’m definitely not going to give you a raise again…. for the 74th straight year.
SCRAT THE RED NOSED SQUIRRELDEER: SQUEEEEEEEEEEALLLLLL!!!!
SANTA: I’ve already evaluated your annoying ass and decided to terminat…. I mean, reassign you. Report to the slaughterhouse immediately and look for the big bear with the hatchet. Meanwhile, I’ll do my underappreciated job and read another fan letter…
SANTA: Damn materialistic bitch! You’re worse than those seven year old brats who sit on my lap and use my beard as a Kleenex! Since I’m in such a jolly fucking mood, I’ll make your wish come true…
Christmas morning…
SPARKLEPONY: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sparklepony runs out into the snow.
SPIDER: Hey, come back! I’m supposed to make you a silk purse! All you gotta do is let me sit in your hand while I spin it…
Evil Squirrel's Nest 
A new shelf critter? I hate spiders, just today I killed a few (they weren’t invited!), all those webs get on my nerves. But I’d like to see this one wreaking havoc on the shelf!
Spider came with Ninja on a Skateboard and a few other friends in one of those little toy surprise packages I bought a couple years ago. Believe it or not, that spider has not only already appeared in SCT, but he has one Buster death on his record…
https://evilsquirrelsnest.com/2018/11/16/poetry-in-commotion/
Oh, ok, I haven’t followed your blog from day one.
da nose trimmer is a pretty cool gift… we know what we would do with that…. what will ya do with a silk purse?
Carry your nose trimmer around, of course!
I think Sparklepony needs a haircut. The nose trimmer she got last year might make for an interesting haircut.
Pam
I think her hair needs to be washed first. Probably in a solvent…
Spiders?? Yeah, I’d probably be doing gigantic arm windmills myself. Snow or not!
Sounds like Santa can recycle the spider gift if someone asks for an exercise program…
If that’s the kind of gifts Santa is bringing this year, I’m blocking my chimney. I hate spiders! Come to think of it, maybe Santa has already been here. There was a daddy longlegs in the shower with me yesterday. Not cool, Santa!
Instead of an elf on the shelf, you got a spider in the shower keeping an eye on your behavior! Either that, or the real Santa is as naughty as mine is…
Not profiling nor hatin’ on pigs, but where’s the sow’s ear? Sparklepony is more than justified in her fear and loathing of eight legged arachnids, wno any self-respecting phobic of spiders person knows, are evil and plotting the over throw of the existing order. Hmmm. Did that orange buffoon who is supposed to be exiting stage right, left or any way, as long as he LEAVES FFS, have an extra leg or six? It would explain a lot..
Even Santa can’t make a silk purse from a sow’s ear. I do have a pig on the shelf, but Fleabag has already chewed his ears off…
This blog is too much 😆
The Nest prides itself on being “special”….
A silk purse straight from the source? Santa has certainly pulled out all the stops on this one! Please tell me Scrat the Rednosed Squirreldeer isn’t going to the glue factory…
Either that or the dog food factory. So you’ll get either glowing slime, or dogs with glowing poop…
What’s up with the purse? I would like a silk suit. 😉
That would require more spiders…
Hahaha. 😀