Letters To Santa – Day 9

SANTA: Awwww, and I love you too, dear.  Come and give Santa another smoochie…

SEYMOUR: Santa!!!  Are you drunk again?

SANTA: Dammit, Seymour!  Can’t you see me and the missus are spending some quality time here?  And yes, I’ve been drinking.  The hard stuff is the only way I can stay warm in this fucking igloo!

SEYMOUR: I only asked, Santa, because you’ve spent the last half hour making out with a reindeer…


SANTA: Fuck!  And I thought maybe Mrs. Claus just found a way to cure her halitosis.  Seymour!  Forget you ever (HIC!) saw this!  And delete those photos you took on your phone, or you’ll be shoveling reindeer shit until next Christmas!!!  I better drown my (HIC!) sorrows in another letter…

SANTA: What do you think I’m running here, fucking GrubHub?  Alright, I’ll feed your mangy ass.  I always have plenty of these on hand anyway…


Fleabag begins enjoying his Christmas present…

SAGE: Good morning, everyone.  I’m Sage Skunk here with the legal disclaimer for this post!  Evil Squirrel’s Nest (hereafter referred to as “The Nest”), it’s management, employees, affiliates, and mental health care workers do not condone feeding your dog chocolate bars.  Feeding a dog chocolate may have fatal consequences for you beloved pet.  Fleabag and the rest of the staff here at Shelf Critter Theatre, a licensed subsidiary of The Nest, are all trained professionals performing their own stunts solely for the entertainment of our alleged audience.  Please do not attempt anything you see on this blog at home.  The Nest is not responsible or in any way liable for any damage, either physical or mental, which occurs to your animal should you not heed this advice.  I am not an attorney, and I’m too cute to play one on this blog.  Now that we can’t have our asses sued off, this disclaimer is finished!

SAGE: You can stop eating the chocolate now, puppy.


SAGE: I said STOP IT!!!

FLEABAG: *Whimper!*

SAGE: Oh, and no animals were harmed in the production of this post!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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10 Responses to Letters To Santa – Day 9

  1. that’s the perfect letter to santa we understood every word … bark bark bark!

  2. Alternating between belly laughing (that’s really dangerous around here) and chagrin. Ziggy appreciated this nest post of course and actually understood all that barking, because even though Fleabag and he aren’t the same breed, in canine world, nobody profiles anyone else based on spots or fur color. He has told me that part of that letter was misinterpreted though, and said something like “Sayonara Round Eyes”…(no profiling intended in that dog comment either, I’m just repeating what I was told. Things get lost in translation. Just ask Bill Murray)… No chocolate for Ziggy, Fleabag or Weimaraners who remain to be named. Humans don’t like cleaning up what happens if a dog gets into the chocolate santa stash…

    • I made sure to remove the chocolate from Fleabag’s mouth before he actually ate it, though I was bitten in the process. Not by the dog, but by Fuzzywig who wanted the chocolate since he had the munchies…

  3. I think Sage Skunk would make a good attorney actually and I should think that The Nest could use a good one of those from time to time……only thing is she needs to show more cleavage – that seems to be a prerequisite to a successful court case these days. Short skirts, cleavage, lots of eye makeup (she’s got that covered already) and long hair (ditto). I hope Fleabag doesn’t sue – giving him that chocolate COULD be interpreted as attempted murder!!!!!!!!


    • I don’t think Sage has much in the way of cleavage to show. Perhaps I should set her up with Mitzi’s plastic surgeon. Fleabag needs to read the fine print in his Shelf Critter Theatre contract… Buster isn’t the only one I am allowed to put in peril for the enjoyment of my audience!

  4. Given some of the attorneys in the news these days, Sage could be a welcome addition to the legal bar. ⚖︎

  5. draliman says:

    It doesn’t take much to keep Fleabag happy. Though with his request “Feed me”, I couldn’t help thinking “to whom” – there’s the famous buffet out there…
    It’s a shame he hadn’t asked “feed me” of Seymour, that would have been a bit “Little Shop of Horrors”.

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