Letters To Santa – Day 17

SANTA: You know what I love best about living at the North Pole, Seymour?

SEYMOUR: The scenic winter wonderland of the arctic?

SANTA: No, you dipshit!

SANTA: The North Poledancers!

SEYMOUR: Santa, why am I getting this strange sensation inside of my Pokeballs?

SANTA: Are you even old enough to be in this place, Seymour?

SEYMOUR: I turn 469 years old next March, sir.  Which makes me a very young elf…


SANTA: I know you’re too young to be in this gentle-elf’s club.  Besides, your blood all runs to your nose, and…… well, you wouldn’t understand either.  OK, time to head back into the VIP room and read another letter while Mitzi the Snow Maiden gives me a lapdance…

SANTA: Oh, for fuck’s sake!  Not this bitch again!  I’ve already used up all of my rain on the dancers in this club, but maybe this year……..

Christmas morning…

RAINY: Is this what I think it is!?!?  It IS!!!!  It’s finally RAINING!!!!!  Look at it accumulate in my always empty rain gauge!!!  I’m so excited right now!!!!  Thank you so much, Santa!!!!  Wait a minute!!!  I’m inside right now!  It’s not supposed to be raining inside!!!!

TROLL: Pardon me, ma’am.  I’m your upstairs neighbor, and as I was taking my yearly shower, I realized that the water was seeping through the floor and I hope it hasn’t been an inconvenience to you….

RAINY: This is NOT RAIN!!!!!  It’s dirty bathwater!!!!  This is SO disgusting!!!!!  Santa, your nostrils are going to be burning for the rest of the century when I get done with your fat, bearded ass!  But first….

TROLL: Well fuck!  Now I’m all smelly again, and I have 365 more days to go until my next bath!  Guess I better go stock up on cheap deodorant…


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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12 Responses to Letters To Santa – Day 17

  1. Apparently Rainy needed to be a bit more SPECIFIC with her wish……she got WET alright but it wasn’t QUITE the way she wanted it to be. Just to look on the HIGH side of things (did I just say HIGH?), Rainy did finally get some water in her rain gauge and even though Troll was re-stinkified after his yearly shower, he won’t have any problem social distancing since nobody will get near him!


  2. we could help you out with some rain too :O)… and we now like that place where satan lives… because of that nordic pole dancers..

  3. Trisha says:

    The North Poledancers – lol! The Polar Vortex will really be something to dread if Rainy spreads her displeasure around up there at the North Pole. Maybe she should take a vacation to a rainy place before she creates an environmental disaster!

  4. Ugh…upstairs neighbors can be the worse. Especially cloggers. Both the dancing kind and the kind that plug up their drains!

  5. Look, I work in the Arctic. Don’t be raining up here. 😉

  6. draliman says:

    Poor Rainy. I fear she’ll never get her wish.
    I’m always impressed that Scrat the Red Nosed Squirreldeer remembers all his complicated lines…

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