Letters To Santa – Day 19

SANTA: You look like you’ve wandered WAAAAAAY out of your territory.

SLIDER: My name is Slider, and the entire Shelf is my territory.  I’m a critter rights inspector for the United Shelves, and I’m here to investigate claims that you’re operating a sweatshop up here at the North Pole.

SANTA: Bullshit!  Where did you hear that nonsense from?  It’s about fifty fucking below up here, nobody’s doing any sweating!

SLIDER: Since you’re avoiding the issue, I’ll just have a look around myself.  Perhaps that’s the “secret workshop” I’ve heard so much about over there?  I’ll return shortly with my report…

SANTA: Yeah, you do that Mr. Busybody!  I hope Seymour isn’t afraid to use that icepick I gave him…


Painful screams can be heard from the vaporized inspector

SANTA: Well fuck, who knew?  I just might not sell you off to the Chinese buffet in January after all!  Now I’ll go read another letter while I have my elves clean up this charred mess…

SANTA: It figures, I’m all out of straitjackets.  Oh well, Santa’s got something in his sack just for homicidal maniacs like yourself…

ZEEBA: Dafuq is this shit?

BEARCAT: I think it’s supposed to be a turnip, sis.

ZEEBA: Who cares, I’m gonna fuck it up anyway and make it BLEED!!!!!

BEARCAT: Silly Zeeba!  You can’t squeeze blood from a turnip!



BEARCAT: You scare me sometimes, sis!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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8 Responses to Letters To Santa – Day 19

  1. Santa could have combined those requests from Zeeba and her sister – a new line of Barbie toys I’ve heard about called “Emergency Room Barbie”…….there’s one that’s a Barbie that oozes from many orifices and wounds a lovely cherry red artificial (I hope) blood product !


  2. For a little thing, she seems to have an unquenchable thirst.

  3. Uh, two facts have emerged from The SCT … the fact that Santa has a worse potty mouth than I do, and that’s kind of oddly reassuring… and second, didn’t Zeeba get served up as a gift for a certain Pedo bear in an earlier section of this ‘advent’ of days event? didn’t she therefore get TWO gifts? A bear to disembowel, and a turnip to squeeze turnip blood out of? Now that hardly seems fair..but maybe Zeeba is on Santa’s extra naughty little girls list, besides him being afraid she’ll cut him if he don’t deliver.. I’d LOVE to find out how she exactly did that squeezing thing? I know a certain overly greedy tax person that technique might be fun to use on..

  4. Trisha says:

    Well, at least one critter managed to get what they wanted out of Santa’s twisted gifts. The cantankerous old bastard brought me a head cold from hell!

  5. Umm, where can I find a Scrat nose? There are one or two inspectors up here who need a good heating. 😉

  6. draliman says:

    Zeeba can get blood from anything. It was very good of her to remember Bearcat in her letter to Santa!
    I’m guessing having a Squirreldeer firing his laser beam nose across the shop floor is some kind of health and safety violation…

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