SEYMOUR: Checking out the weather report, huh Santa?
SANTA: How very observant of you, Seymour. What if I was looking at something personal and confidential, you nosy fuck?
SEYMOUR: Oh no, Santa! Is it really going to get up to 85 degrees tomorrow? That’s going to make it one slushy launch for the big ride!
SANTA: I could give a shit less about the weather tomorrow! This is the extended forecast for Costa Rica… and I’m starting my vacation as soon as I get back Friday!
SCRAT THE RED NOSED SQUIRRELDEER: SQUEEEEEEEEEEALLLLLL!!!!
SANTA: No, you can’t go! You’re probably a delicacy down there anyway. Now that I know I can safely pack my speedo, I guess I’ll read a final letter or two…
SANTA: Well, aren’t we all pompous and pious? Alright then, I’ll set the WABAC Machine for a couple millennia ago…
Christmas morning, about 4 B.C….
TROLL: Say pal, have you seen the Baby Jesus around anywhere?
RICKY: My prayers have been answered! Someone has remembered the true meaning of Christmas!
TROLL: I’ll ask again… have you seen Baby Jesus around anywhere?
RICKY: I know a star that can point you in the right direction. Have you come to adore Him?
TROLL: What? No! I work for King Herod…
TROLL: I came to slit his little throat!
RICKY: Blasphemy! I can’t allow you to….
TROLL: Oh, won’t talk, eh? I guess one more slit throat won’t stain the desert too much…
RICKY: No! The true meaning of Christmas is supposed to be love! Not…. AAAAAAAAA!!!!!
TROLL: (Cleaning his blade) There won’t ever be a Christmas if the boss has anything to say about it!
Quite a sacrifice by Ricky…..just think what could have happened had he been more cooperative in pointing the way. The only winner in this scenario is Zeeba – she’s on cleanup patrol at the Nest !
I can imagine Zeeba enjoyed Bible study in Sunday School. Particularly that part about Revelations… maybe she’s one of the four horsewomen!
What…little Ricky couldn’t have bitten that little Trolls arm off before the death slice? And here I thought all raccoon were biters.
Ricky is all bark and no bite. He’s proven time and time again that he won’t stoop to the level of sin the rest of the critters do. And it’s always his undoing…
Aw, poor Ricky! I think after this change of events in Christmas past Ricky the Raccoon should be a Christmas…er, what’s the word? Icon? Something like that. I would enjoy having Christmas raccoons around instead of stupid elves or cutsey angels. Not that I have hideous things like around. Snowflakes and twinkle lights are as Christmassy as my house gets.
I don’t know if we did this year, but I know one year we sold a Christmas themed raccoon inflatable at Mecca. There was even a skunk one year, which really surprised me! Anything but penguins, though…. they belong to the South Pole and have nothing to do with Christmas folklore!
I am in complete agreement about penguins!
Uh, okay then. I didn’t ‘see’ that (although I’ll never unsee it either). And here I was all thinking that the Shelf was non-denominational, a bit on the Pagan side, but with respect for all. But then Santa has a potty mouth (another revelation of this Season), and Scrat the pseudo-Rudolph, has an alleged bingo capper on his face (that thing still looks like something pilfered from Mitzi’s stash of ‘special’ toys). It’s Christmas on the Shelf…unique!
The Shelf aims to blaspheme. You should’ve seen my retelling of the “Christmas story” I did a few years ago with none other than Mitzi as the “Virgin” Mary. And that I still haven’t been struck by lightning means that God either has a really warped sense of humor, or He’s just as real as my Santa Claus is…
I’m having trouble unseeing the mental image of Santa in a speedo 😦
Just in case you ever forget, he promised to send you selfies from the beach…
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2021 to you! Hyvää joulua ja onnellista uutta vuotta 2021!