Letters To Santa – Day 24

SANTA: Alright, the sleigh’s loaded up with all this useless shit I had to buy at Mecca because my elves can’t figure out the Chinese pictogram instructions to assemble anything!  Let’s get this road on the show!  The faster I get done, the faster I can send selfies of myself in a speedo from Costa Rica to Draliman!

SEYMOUR: HOLD UP, SANTA!!!!!

SANTA: No, I’m not delivering that Waffle House gift card to your mom while on official Christmas business!  How many times have I told you….

SEYMOUR: No Santa, this is one last letter that just came in under the wire!  Please sir, you don’t want to spoil some poor critter’s wish, do you?

SANTA: Seymour, have you paid one bit of fucking attention to this series?  Oh, kiss Blitzen’s ass under the mistletoe!  Let me have the damned thing!!!

Santa impatiently grabs the letter from his head elf and opens it…

SANTA: Aw fuck!  I should have known it’d be this greedy bitch!!!

SANTA: Huh!?!?

TINA: SANTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I decided to come up here personally to deliver my Christmas list this year!!!

SANTA: Your aunt shouldn’t let you leave the neighborhood, let alone wander up to the polar icecap.

TINA: Santa, I have this awful theory that you take my modest twenty foot long lists I make up each year and just throw them into your furnace.  Well, I had a VERY SPECIAL wish for this year, so I wanted to make sure my demands got the attention they deserve from the Big Guy!

SANTA: If you think I won’t shitcan that list of yours in front of you, then you’ve underestimated….

TINA: Santa!  All I want for Christmas is….. (opens her list up)

SEYMOUR: Oh Santa, I’m definitely going to cry now!

SANTA: Who are you, and what have you done with greedy Tina?

TINA: Come on, Santa!  Be a pal and make the world a better place for my generation to get lost on their smartphones in!

SANTA: Peace on earth, huh?  Well fuck, I guess there’s only one thing I can do then….

SEYMOUR: Santa!!!

SANTA: I ain’t no fucking miracle worker!  And I don’t have time for the naive wishes of eight year old unicornlets who still believe in fairy tales!

TINA: S’alright, Santa!  I knew you’d do that!  Now everyone out there reading this knows how big of an asshole you really are to little critters!  So if you want to redeem yourself before all the parents with their pitchforks and torches make it up here (reaches in her Frozen backpack and unfolds a monstrosity)….

TINA: …you better get to work on my REAL wish list!!!!  And Captain Planet would be happy to know that “Peace on Earth” is still 963rd on the list between a Shadow the Umbreon See N Say and a new fat Barbie!

SEYMOUR: Tina’s right, Santa!  We better make sure we fulfill every wish on this list this year so your reputation doesn’t go in the toilet.

SANTA: Do you know how long it’ll take to get all this shit!?!?!

SEYMOUR: Don’t worry, Santa.  I’ll have Benny make the arrangement to postpone your Costa Rica trip until March while we take care of this.  Together we’ll make this the best Christmas ever!!!

TINA: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SANTA: Fuck you, Seymour!  Fuck all of you!  How did I get roped into this shitty ass job anyway….

SCRAT THE RED NOSED SQUIRRELDEER: SQUEEEEEEEEEEALLLLLL!!!!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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15 Responses to Letters To Santa – Day 24

  1. ha! now santa is in the right christmas mood…there is nothing better than a f-ing happy end ;O)

  2. Merry effin’ Christmas Santa ‘dear’. I hope you brought Draliman those Roy Orbison shades he asked for, because seeing your white a** hanging out of a speedo is sure to burn his retinas. By the way, it might be noted that you’re now under ‘review’ by management. Any job is a great job to have (so I hear, having been classified un-usable a decade ago) and if you don’t like yours…well I’m sure they can round up a bored fairy or Good Witch to take over. Say, can I have Mrs. Claus’ email address? Now THERE’S a really viable candidate! Be jolly fat man, the future (as portrayed by that creepy f*ck in those Christmas Carol movies), is a potentially wicked mutha..

    (Merry Christmas for reals to Bill & his critters. You’ve made this old broad’s Christmas season a LOT brighter! )

    • If I’m not careful, Santa’s legal team (and I’m sure he has some great attorneys… probably who all work for Coca Cola) is going to leave a very nasty present under my non-tree for slander and libel. I only hope I can get a judge who shares my fucked up sense of humor… as well as those of my readers who seem to enjoy my crazy ways of counting down to Christmas..

  3. Santa Satan will have to wait to sun his significant buns in Costa Rica while he goes through that endless wish list – I actually think he’d have better luck with the Peace On Earth thing than finding a Fat Barbie – that’s gotta be a complete sell-out. MERRY MESSED UP CHRISTMAS TO THE SHELF AND THE MASTER OF THE NEST!!!!

    Pam

    • In lieu of a fat Barbie, Santa might be able to pick up a fat blow up doll from a novelty shop. Not sure what Tina would think of that, but perhaps she could pawn it off on Uncle Snuggie the next time he comes calling with his bag of candy.

  4. Yay Tina! Well done. Merry Christmas to ES and all the shelf critters. 🕯🎄🎅🏻

  5. Great ending to your series. 🎄Merry Christmas to you … and, okay, in the spirit of peace on earth, to Sandbank, er, Santa, and his little critters. 🎅

  6. Trisha says:

    I’m sure all of Costa Rica is grateful to Tina for sparing them from the sight of Santa in a speedo, at least for now.

  7. Good grief, Santa’s got this speak freely pattern down pat. Nobody else needs to hear it so let’s see you invent a fat barbie for all us …not skinny…..women.

    By the way Seymour and Santa…….merry christmas to both of you.

    Shoko and Tyebe

  8. draliman says:

    Yay for Tina! I get until March to brace myself for the Santa in Speedos photoset…

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