Welcome one and all to everyone’s favorite awards show on all of WordPress! It’s time for Evil Squirrel’s Nest’s ninth annual presentation of The Sandy Awards! The Sandys are a New Years Day tradition at The Nest, honoring the best, funniest, and most fucked up search terms that real internet users typed into search engines which somehow led them to our humble blog during the past year. For the lowdown on the show’s history and to view past years’ shows that have somehow not been burned yet by the internet’s arbiters of taste, be sure to check out our page dedicated to the only awards show to honor real internet users around the world who will never receive a real gold squirrel statue for their achievements.
We have another truncated (by past Sandy Awards standards), but still most excellent show for you this year! Along with the presentation of the 2020 Sandys, we have a top notch cast of entertainers scheduled who will no doubt try to steal the show for themselves. Melanie’s Squirrellena will appear with Mitzi in a raunchy remake of The Vajayjay Monolgues, Suzanne will present a film strip of the cutest little black squirrel you ever saw, and Pam’s Miss Dingleberry will conduct a cooking demonstration that will no doubt have the set raided by the EPA. It’s gonna be the most fun you can have at a boring awards show!
YAY! You’re just a few short explanatory paragraphs away from the search term goodness you’ve been waiting all year for! Over the past 366 days in 2020, I’ve recorded the most interesting search terms that were captured by WordPress and put on my blog’s stats page. Unfortunately, the search term frequency quieted down yet again this year… but I was surprised I was still able to put together an awards show with six of my nine classic categories. I will present the finalists for each category, along with my usual witty and snarky commentary, before announcing the winner of the Sandy for that particular category. At the end of the show, I’ll reveal the search term I saved for last, which will win the Best Search Sandy of 2020!
Got how this works? Are you even still awake out there? Good! All of the bolded terms you see below were really, truly, madly and deeply entered into a search engine by someone on God’s green earth, with that search leading them to The Nest. I swear on Donald Trump’s mangy hair that I’m not making any of these up! Now let’s get this party started with the traditional lead off category, which will prove once and for all that there is such a thing as a dumb question…
Ask, and you shall receive nothing but Sandy Awards recognition…
who are the flying squirrelendas? – The most amazing daredevil circus act in the world! And they’re performing for free in a tree near you…
are squirrels associated to gemini? – Well, they can be both cute and innocent, while evil and naughty at the same tim….. no wait! Squirrels are never evil and naughty!
See. Cute and innocent!
No wait…. AAAAAAAA!!!!!
who sang love will tear us apart again on ‘the nest’ – Nobody sings on The Nest. That would require us to pay appearance fees that would come out of Fuzzywig’s “good stuff” stash.
what are those balls that squirrels eat? – Squirrels eat nuts, not balls! Keep your balls and nuts straight, dude…
why are squirrels eating green pecans? – Because the purple pecans taste like shit?
Words to live by, mate.
And the award goes to…
were photo huts a real thing? – Get off of my virtual lawn, you fucking millennials…
One of the ancient pyramids of Egypt, apparently.
Yeah, phone booths never existed either! Old people are such liars…
Well, that was interesting, as always. Now let’s move on to the category that involves the alleged main subject matter of this blog…
Squirrels are fascinating creatures, but sometime people are a bit too curious about them…
whataburger squirrels nest – What do you think’s in the burgers?
Duh’IIIIII heard that!
evil squirrels nest choking – Oh come on, my blog isn’t doing THAT bad…
Haven’t you ever heard of choking your kitten?
squirrel losing fur – Tufts of Love to the rescue!
Because no charity spokesman should have to do without.
image of squirrel throwing a nut – No cameraman has ever survived to actually capture this moment…
And the award goes to…
jacob’s ladder for squirrels – Wow. This one could have gone in just about every Sandys category. That’s one brave squirrel to pierce his junk like that…
Or I guess it could have been an innocent search. Yeah, right…
No squirrel girl wants metal going in her coochie, loser.
And now, for the category of the can’t unseeable…
You’ll need to find some eye sanitizer after viewing this category…
digger foot fungus –
Whaddaya mean, bad mental image? I’m as cute as a cold sore!
drinking raw eggs – And they tell us that eating raw cookie dough is unsafe…
No wonder Rocky lost, he had salmonella…
ladies defecating – That’s just sooooooo sexy.
eating poop – OK, I’ll drink the glass of raw eggs already!
And the award goes to…
fart skunk girl animation – The lengths I’ll go to to please an anonymous searcher…
Rainy in action!
These awards already stunk.
The kids may be alright, but these searches most definitely are not…
Most Sandy Awards donors have issues, but these people need more help than others…
snuggle bear is evil – Well, duh!
Oh my god, he killed Buster! You bastard!
everybody must get stoned comics – If we’re talking about comics where the readers need to get stoned to understand them….. then yeah, you came to the right place.
Ahhhh, this all makes sense now.
ussr 1981 na zare music translation – I put the lyrics into Google translator, and it said “This song sucks.”
In fact, it sucks so much that YouTube burned the video of Alyans “performing” it.
space balls darth helmet blows up planet – Dude, did you even watch that movie? DARK Helmet didn’t blow up any planet…
He did crush a few spheres, though…
image of spitting up coke – You’re doing it wrong. Coke’s supposed to be snorted up your nose…
And the award goes to…
kool aid man on steroids – Not only would no wall in the world be safe, but a roided up Kool Aid Man would be a bad role model for children…
This is your brain on steroids. Any questions?
Kool Aid Man on steroids still wouldn’t beat the Hawaiian Punch guy in a fight.
As usual, the show is running a bit long… so we’ll have to nix the planned montage of 2020’s greatest moments and move right along to the next category, which is Rated X for Xtra Fucked Up…
Let’s see what our favorite internet users were searching for out there with their one free hand…
mothers nice and udders niples photos – Why don’t you just type in “cow porn,” you freak?
Oh, just in time for the money shot!
robot chicken bear fuck –
Don’t mind if I do!
tree with big green nuts – What do you mean I put this in the wrong category?
Hey, I had big green nuts until I caught Dutch Elm disease from that peach tree floozy!
super glue gagged xxx comic – I don’t think that stuff’s supposed to be used in BDSM…
tex cartoon wolf whistle –
What’s a kid friendly cartoon without a little sexual harassment?
And the award goes to…
miss piggys tits – My Miss Piggy fan strikes again for another Sandy Award! So Miss P, care to indulge our winner by flashing the pork chops?
I guess that’s a “no” then…
#OinkToo
OK, now that we all need a cold shower… let’s bring in the final category of the evening! And as always, everyone’s favorite…
These are the searches that make about as much sense as an inflatable raft for porcupines. If you have any idea what these people were actually searching for, please just keep it to yourself…
taco blackface – Wonderful. Let’s offend two different races in one search!
legs foot – I really hope this wasn’t entered by a doctor who flunked out of anatomy class…
i can’t feel my roots –
Too…. much…. tingling!!!
show about son of sam ‘bark bark bark bark bark’ –
baby burn – Not if you carefully monitor the cooking temperature…
Are you going to stick that timer in my belly button?
bobby darin bubble bath – I’ll bet he’s really shriveled up after being in the tub for 47 years without as much as a splish or splash…
Yeah, he might be dead…
evil moth comics – Terrorizing a closet near you…
And the award goes to…
trash power – That sounds like the world’s lamest superpower. Probably what Aquaman uses to clean up the medical waste that gets thrown in the ocean…
That’s not spandex. It’s Hefty.
Sounds like the superhero of the trailer park.
And now it’s time for the big finish! We’re about to award the Sandy for the best search string of 2020!
The list of search terms that rolled into The Nest may have been much shorter than in past years… but we were still able to identify one that stood head and shoulders above the rest! This is the search term everyone will be tweeting about for weeks! What completely unidentified weirdo will have their Google pride and joy virtually bronzed in the Sandy Awards Hall of Fame for perpetuity? Let’s find out!
And the winner is…..
Drum roll please, Hottie…
why do squirrels have fists of fury? – Look, it’s not easy being a squirrel. Take it from someone who plays one on the internet. We get chased off by the bird people, shot at by the rednecks, gobbled up by the hawks, and we can’t even cross the damned street without a stupid horseless carriage trying to flatten us as we scurry back and forth. If you had to live this life of relentless persecution where every day was a struggle to survive a world that wanted you DEAD…… well, I think you’d probably learn to fight back yourself. Why do squirrels have fists of fury? Because we’re long overdue to kick some fucking ass, that’s why!!!
I may not have opposable thumbs, but I can still deliver this knuckle sandwich to your face, scumbag!!!
My hero….. swoon!
And just like Bruce Lee with a bad voice dub, this show’s about to leave the building. We hope you enjoyed this year’s presentation of the 2020 Sandy Awards! While it’s unsure if there’ll even be enough material for a show next year, we can always hope the Google encryption machine loosens up and brings more of those awesomely fucked up search terms into The Nest’s inbox in 2021!
Evil Squirrel's Nest 
oooh what a wonderful event… we still ponder if photo hut were really real… oh yeah they were real, we remember the most embarr-ass-ing moments there… and we still have an old passport what has a photo hut pig-ture ;O) happy new year to da nest….
I remember them well when there was one in every shopping center parking lot. I’ll bet the people that worked there saw a LOT of interesting things on all that film…..
You know that in that “money shot” picture – that wasn’t a cow … that was a goat … So we are talking about goat porn here – and that is as disturbing as cow porn, I know, but it also might be more of a thing … a goat is smaller, you see, anatomically that makes more “sense” …(It doesn’t, but never mind).
I’ve had that photo in my blog archive for a long time and had forgotten it was a goat, and my eyes didn’t make it past the udder squirting milk into some poor kid’s mouth. You are probably right that there is more goat porn than cow porn, unless you count cowgirl porn with is something else entirely…
What would New Year be without the Sandy Awards…..it always amazes me (really) what people type in search engines – not just weird stuff but totally misspelled stuff that still produces results proving the internet itself can’t spell. I am agog (well not really – I’m a human) that people have curiosity about wide variety of STRANGE stuff. Then again I’m an avid follower of The Nest so am I qualified to point the finger at others????? Happy New Year – it wouldn’t be the same without the Sandy Awards……..
Pam
I can only imagine some of the things that would have came up if so much wasn’t getting filtered out now. Search engine encryption is ruining my fun! And by extension, the fun of my readers who enjoy these lists every New Years Day…
an excellent awards show this year, and I was a frequent patron of the photo huts
I remember when they were a big thing! That said, digital photography is one of the few newer technologies I’m very grateful for…
Me too!
Aa usual, pretty entertaining. Who knew there were “those” kinds of searches…but at least your blog is generating searches. I don’t get that kind of traffic.
You definitely get searches…. they just don’t register right where you can really see them. Even in my blog’s infancy, I got a few hits a day off search engines…. and believe me, my content was pretty sparse at the time.
That’s kind to say. Suffice to say if I got paid by the search I wouldn’t need to resolve to lose weight every year at this time. 😉
Well, and the problem is that the people who ARE reaching you blog by search aren’t actually looking for what you have to offer. Proof of that is in every Sandy Awards I’ve ever presented…
Yeah…what’s up with those ‘people?’ Weirdos.
Squirrellena appreciated the nod. After taking 2020 ‘off’ (which any sensible creature might have done, had they but known) her come-back in February of this year, is perhaps overdue. She wants to thank her best acting buddy – Mitzi – for her sterling performance in those dialogues, they wouldn’t have been half as interesting without Mitzi’s voice of experience… The bill from the dry cleaners is coming in the mail, which given the kind of delivery going on in Utah anyway, might be in the next thirty years or something.. Happy New Year Squirrel and excellent entertainment today, as always!! Keep on keepin’ on!
I’m surprised Mitzi’s vajayjay can even do much talking since it’s usually always plugged up with something. I won’t speak for Squirellena on that subject, since I don’t know her that well…. but I’m sure Mitz has taught her a thing or two…
These are hilarious! I get some strange ones as well, but nothing that … um … quirky.
This is a mild list compared to what I normally get when about three times the terms make it onto my stats page! I barely even had a quorum for my perverted category, which is usually what so many of the searches end up being!
Geez…..what can I say? You said it all squirrelly guy. mol
Shoko
I didn’t say it. My anonymous searchers did. And I thank them for being weird…
Awesome. Winner winner squirrel stew dinner. I was reading this while partaking in a glass of bubbly. I now feel cultured and totally degenerate. It is a wonderful thing. Happy New Year.
If this is what passes for culture, the Bard is no doubt turning in the ol’ grave…
After all this time and you’re still dissing Alyans, the best (and only) rock band ever produced by the USSR…
And absolutely no chance that Alyans was merely highly trained KGB agents playing “music” with subliminal messages of loyalty to the Kremlin. And that one guy enjoying the show too much was probably the mastermind behind the project…
Trash power or squirrel fists of fury both sound like rad alternative band names…from the 70’s?
Yes! Or even the 90’s when the 70’s was retro cool. I can just imagine crowd surfing at a Squirrel Fists Of Fury concert…
People are so weird! I can’t imagine (and probably don’t want to know) what they could have been looking for with some of these. Thanks for sharing them. I always get a kick out of the Sandy awards and the fucked up contents of your Treet folder.
I love these, which is why I’m so pissed that it’ll probably be the last new show since the search terms have all but completely stopped now. I was going to do an All Time Sandys show next year anyway for my 10th anniversary, and it looks like that’s where the main entertainment is going to be. Well, except for that one person out there who keeps searching for nasty Miss PIggy stuff…. he’ll continue to be out of luck.
I’m glad to have the All Time Sandys to look forward to!