New Years Treet!

Eight years out of the can, and it still isn’t expired!

The only thing I enjoy making fun of more than the silly search terms that people use to get to my blog is the amazingly awful spam comments questionable people from across the world leave on my posts.  Of course, thanks to Akismet, none of these grammatical horrors ever actually appear on my blog…. but they’re temporarily saved in a spam folder on the Stats page.  Of course, since “spam” was coined for email garbage, I like to call these bloggy cling-ons Treet in honor of Spam’s lesser known cousin in the canned meat aisle.  I’ve featured and mocked some of my greatest Treet five times before on my blog.  Having some extra free time this week, I checked out my Treet file and was blown away at some of the “most excellent contents” it contained!  So that means only one thing…. it’s sharing time!

Sharing is NOT caring when it comes to Treet!

So let’s do some of my Treeters a favor and get their comments the publicity they desire, so that we may enjoy some frivolity at their stupidity…

Maximuspqf wrote:

Good day
I found your forum very attractive and promising. I want to buy an ad space for a banner in the header, for $1300 per month. I will pay via WebMoney/Qiwi, 50% immediately, and 50% in 2 weeks. And also, the address of my site [redacted link] – it will not contradict the theme?

Thanks! Write about Your decision to me in PM or by email

Wow, $1300 per month?  I’ve always been staunchly against selling advertising space on The Nest… but you have my interest there, Maximus.  I don’t know what WebMoney or Qiwi is though?  Even those princes in Nigeria that regularly correspond with me have never asked me to send money to them via that method.  How about you just send the payments in good old American cash and we’ll have ourselves a deal.  And don’t worry about your wholesome website contradicting my disturbing theme, I’ll just take some artistic license with it…

I’ll just add a pink mane, unicorn horn, and totally have her ta-tas hanging out…

Hairstyles wrote:

Thanks for your content. One other thing is that if you are disposing your property on your own, one of the issues you need to be aware about upfront is how to deal with home inspection accounts. As a FSBO home owner, the key to successfully moving your property as well as saving money with real estate agent commission rates is expertise. The more you recognize, the easier your home sales effort will likely be. One area exactly where this is particularly vital is information about home inspections.

Now you tell me to be wary of information on home inspections!  Where were you 12 years ago when the home inspectors my real estate agent hired couldn’t tell there was aluminum wiring in all the kitchen outlets, or that the drainage pipe below my kitchen floor was a piece of shit?

Lesson learned. I will start reading my Treet from now on…

Lavonna Eason wrote:

But now the problem is resolved, now using GTA 5 Source Cheats Online you can generate or auto the Money as some as you necessity for your Noble Thieving Motorcar 5 ground and we’re not leaving to asseveration you any safety cent.

What a minute….. did you just call Grand Theft Auto “Noble Thieving Motorcar”!?!?

Peter Mark Roget is proud of you for consulting his thesaurus…

Dudley Fausey wrote:

I think this site has got some rattling excellent information for everyone : D.

Thanks Dudley.  I consider it the ultimate compliment to have my blog considered not just excellent, but rattling excellent!

Buster’s known this for years…

Ferrellkristy wrote:

Good day everyone, my name is kristy and I’m here to testify about the good things God has done for me through Dr Terry.I was diagnosed of herpes for about ten years and I have been to so many hospital but nothing could be done .I spent thousand of dollars going to hospital all to no avail.Last moth I went to Germany for an official trip.while in the train,I heard a man talking on phone about how he got cured with herbal medication by Dr Terry and I laughed knowing how much I have spent on medical appointment so I thought it was incurable but something told me to try the herbs and I had to take Dr Terry number from him.I contacted Dr Terry, he sent me the herbs and to God be the glory ,herpes of ten years plus is completely gone .Please for your own safety you can reach him on his whatsapp number and I assure you, you will be free within two weeks. His herbs are superb .I have tested it and I’m a living witness .His whatsapp is [Redacted number, let’s say +8675309]

What an amazing account, Kristy!  And to think, you also wrote this same Treet on my blog a day earlier saying Dr. Terry’s herbs had cured your HIV after ten years.  It’s hard to fathom such a God fearing church girl as yourself would contract so many different sexual diseases.  But if it means eventually getting some of Dr. Terry’s miracle “herbs,” then I guess all the cooties are worth it…

Dr. Terry, exposed…

ValerieFaile wrote:

Wanna casual sex? My pussy is at your disposal! Find my profile with phone number here – [Redacted link to a “good girl” site] My nickname is Veronika2020

Your pussy is at my disposal?  Gee, that’s swell, Val!  Can I borrow your pussy to keep Ody company while I’m at work?

But Mitzi promised me her pussy was at my disposal first!

Coargo wrote:

In the U.S., there are currently more than 25 million people who enjoy asthma. Do you currently suffer from or are worried you suffer from a respiratory disease? In this article, devise some of the most common diseases of the respiratory methodology [Redacted link for Cialis]. Impute to on to identify these diseases, together with their implicit causes.

Unfortunately, I am not one of those 25 million people who enjoy asthma, though if not being able to breathe is so much fun, could you offer some advise on how to get it?  Maybe the Cialis you are trying to sell in the middle of this nonsensical medical advice could help me experience the joy of sucking on an inhaler?  I just need to find someone who will take my breath away…

Perfect! Enjoying asthma, here I come!

Victor Vaillencourt wrote:

Ne’er knew this, thank you for letting me know.

“Ne’er?”  What is this, spam from the 19th century?

You want me to write a spam poem? T’will cost you extra, m’lady!

Eldora Truncellito wrote:

Music began playing anytime I opened up this blog, so frustrating!

Got a fucking problem with that, bitch?

And finally….

communivision.net wrote:

Very quickly this web page will be famous among all blogging people, due to it’s
good content

Woohoo!  You’re right, I’m on my way to becoming a blogging star!  I’ll be able to charge Maximus even more Qiwi for his ads, Valerie will introduce me to her friend’s pussy, and I can buy my own asthma to enjoy!  Oh wait, I hope writing about all of these stupid Treets didn’t drag down the good content so much that I’ll lose access to Dr. Terry’s herbs…

This blog just went from rattling excellent to rattling appalling…

Well, there you have it.  Better put the Treet back in the icebox with all of the moldy cans of icing before I sabotage The Nest’s success anymore than I already have.  Now if you’ll (wheeze) excuse me, I’m going to (wheeze) have a blast with a container of (gasp, wheeze) Primatene Mist…

This is more fun than (wheeze) finding One Eyed Willy’s treasure!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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14 Responses to New Years Treet!

  1. why you got a 1300 offer while I got only a one time payment of 38 milions? what have I done wrong?

  2. Hmm, why you get so great spam posts, I envy you, so now I know I am not a famous blogger, getting no money or what else the offered. My life is boring.

    • Have you checked your blog’s spam folder? I’m pretty sure they send this crap to everyone, not just famous bloggers like me who have people just handing over $1300 a month to them. Dr. Terry has some amazing herbs that will cure your boredom…

  3. Rivergirl says:

    Yes, Kristy is trying to spread the word of God on my site as well. But kudos on the monetary offer, while I’ve had plenty of people want to write my blog I’ve never had anyone want to pay for it.
    😉

    • For $1300 a month, I could be persuaded to put just about anything on my blog. But alas, I am pretty sure that offer is as real as Santa Claus. I’ve actually had a few legit email offers of people wanting to pay for content on my blog, but I have principles dammit, and they require four figures a month…

  4. Alright – I didn’t know I could laugh this hard without falling off my chair. I should hang on to some of the ridiculous spam stuff I get. I just automatically trash it based on the subject line but I should definitely at least READ IT. I REALLY needed a good laugh today – so thanks – from the bottom of my inhaler. 🙂

    Pam

    • I can remember very few times when reading something made me run through the house laughing (scaring the cat in the process), but as soon as I saw that “enjoy asthma” spam, I knew I had to do this post today! That, and I really want to cash in on that $1300 a month offer!

  5. These are hilarious. Enjoy asthma? There are those who get a kick out of the galloping crotch itch, too. 😉

    • That’s the kind of hilarious nonsense that can only be the result of using a really bad English translator to write your spams. I admit, it was very hard for me to breathe after I first read that, and I did quite enjoy myself since I was laughing so hard…

  6. Trisha says:

    Damn, no one has ever offered me advice on how to become one of the 25 million people who enjoy asthma. I guess that’s because I’m not a blogging star raking in the Qiwis!

    I often wonder if these spammers think their convoluted word salads are clever and convincing. And how do you get a job as a spammer? It boggles my mind that anyone would pay people to post this nonsense!

    • It’s not easy being a famous blogger, though. All the Qiwis and asthma in the world aren’t worth it when you’ve got Antifa on your back trying to shut down your Fascist blog.

      The spams that really get me are the ones with absolutely no links or anything in them. What’s the point? Are some people that bored that they throw together some nonsensical gibberish run through an English translator and send it out to millions of websites for no personal gain?

  7. draliman says:

    I love how the translator changed the “Grand” in GTA to “noble”.

    I feel sorry for the people asking me this question – “Muchas gracias. ?Como puedo iniciar sesion?” – that accounts for around 95% of all spam on my blog, and has for months. They’re obviously desperate to know the answer, but I don’t understand the question…

    • I’ve got a lot of those spams too, and it seems like those have been coming in for over a year now. I guess they’ll just keep asking every blogger on WordPress until someone can give them a stupid answer to their stupid question…

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