Meet The New Boss

CHIP: Are you ready for the inauguration, Fuzzy?

FUZZYWIG: Almost.  I just need to freshen up this doob a little more…

CHIP: Fuzzy!  This is a very hallowed occasion!  Put that pot away!

FUZZYWIG: Say, you think we could move this from January 20th to April 20th?

CHIP: No!  And change out of that tuxedo T-shirt before the guest of honor shows up!  I’m so glad the weather held out… I was afraid it would rain out the ceremony.

RAINY: Like it would ever rain on this godforsaken Shelf!  And get this stupid flag out of my precious rain gauge!

CHIP: Rainy, you should consider it an honor to be presenting the colors for the inauguration!

RAINY: I’m going to present the color green from the rear flank in just a minute.

SCRATCHY: Yo, judge dude!  Any chance I could play something besides “Hail To The Chief?”

CHIP: That’s Supreme Court Justice Chip to you…

SCRATCHY: Whatever ,Diana Ross.  Would it be a’ight if I played my Presidents of the United States of America CD I shoplifted when I was 14?

FUZZYWIG: Here comes trouble…

UNCLE SAM: Good morning, citizens!  I hope I’m not late for my own inauguration.

CHIP: Sir, you’re leaving office!  We’re swearing in the new…

SAM: I am the new guy, son!  Can’t you tell by my youthful appearance?

FUZZYWIG: I thought that hair was spray painted…

CHIP: Sir, you’re definitely not the Shelf’s president-elect!  I’m going to have to ask you to…

SAM: Are you questioning the President’s honesty?  I’d hang you for treason if I could find a new rope.  I am most definitely the new president!  I don’t act at all like that buffoon who was in office for the last four…

SAM: Is that MARIHUANA, son?

FUZZYWIG: Sure thing, new guy.  Wanna smoke but not inhale?

SAM: I will not tolerate any dope smoking on my beloved Shelf!  Do I need to deport you back to Jamaica?  I mean….. you better have a medical permission to be smoking that filth!

SCRATCHY: Meet the new boss.  Same as the old boss…

CHIP:  If you’re the real deal, then raise your right hand and put your left hand on this book.

SAM: What is this?  That doesn’t look like the Bible to me!

SCRATCHY: The only bible on this Shelf is the kama sutra.

SAM: I am not swearing an oath before GOD on a book of trivia!

FUZZYWIG: But you’re the answer to question #69, who was the worst president of all…

SAM: Bring in a real Bible, heathen!  Or else…

SAM: (Turning towards Scratchy and her brand new retro turntable playing a record) What did they just say!?!?!?

SCRATCHY: I dunno….. bump?  Lump?  Chump?  Maybe a dirty word that rhymes with that?

SAM: I’ve had about enough of these silly games at my inauguration!

CHIP: And so have I.  You’re definitely not our new president.  (Talks into a 60’s spy gadget wristwatch) Security!

BUSTER: Secret Service Agent Buster Possum reporting for duty!

CHIP: I want this presidential impostor escorted off of the stage!  And preferably off the Shelf entirely!

BUSTER: Right away, chief!  (Turns towards Sam)  Sir, I’m going to have to politely ask you to follow me…

SAM: So I may be the OLD president…

FUZZYWIG: A politician told the truth!  Now I know I’m stoned out of my gourd…

SAM: …but you’re forgetting that means I’m currently STILL the shelf president…

CHIP: Not for much longer, thank Trivia God!

SAM: …which means I still have access to….

SAM: …THE FOOTBALL!!!

Audible gasps abound…

SAM: I’m actually surprised you didn’t lose it again, Troll, like when I needed it at that hostile press conference.

TROLL: No sir!  Not after you had the football zip tied to my scrotum.

SAM: Now I’ll just enter the launch code here….. and NO PEEKING!

CHIP: The launch code’s 1-2-3-4-5?

FUZZYWIG: That’s the same combination as my good stuff tote bag…

CHIP: Sir, it wasn’t necessary to atomize our guard.

SAM: He was a necessary casualty to protect our freedom!  Specifically, my freedom to continue to rule over this Shelf!  Now that I’ve put an end to this fake inauguration, the First Lady should be meeting me here any minute so we can depart on a taxpayer paid vacation to Costa Rica!

BIG SCRAT: Oh boy!  I’ve always wanted to go to Costa Rica!  Let me pack my mankini and tanning butter…

SAM: What is the meaning of this?  You’re not the First Lady!

BIG SCRAT: And you won’t be the Commander in Chief once we get to our little beachfront hideaway!  You’ll be flying second class on Scrat Force One all week long, and jet lag will be the only lag you’ll be experiencing….

SAM: (Being dragged away by the First Gentlecritter) No!  You can’t do this to the president!  I demand a recount!  And a rewrite!!!!

CHIP: Well, that takes care of the old guard.  But where’s out new leader?

SANTA: Sorry I’m late with the president-elect!  The presidential motorcade got delayed because my squirreldeer decided to take a shit in the middle of the road and caused a five car pile up!  And I mean a literal PILE up….

SCRAT THE RED NOSED SQUIRRELDEER: SQUEEEEEEEEEEALLLLLL!!!!

FUZZYWIG: Wonderful.  Maybe we can get this party over before my “refreshments” run out…

RAINY: Hooray!  This is the perfect candidate we unanimously voted for!

CHIP: Sir, please raise your right hand and place your left hand on the book…

CHIP: Do you solemnly swear to perform your duties as shelf president and uphold our constitution as written on a roll of toilet paper, so help you Dog?

PRESIDENT-ELECT FOX: ……………………….

CHIP: Congratulations!  I now pronounce you President of the Shelf!

FUZZYWIG: You may kiss the bride…

Yooooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

MITZI: Was, like, someone talking about smoochies?

FUZZYWIG: That’s a yogurt stain on your blue dress, right?

MITZI: Like, where’s Mitzi’s widdow Pwezzy Wezzy?

CHIP: He’s…… um…… being debriefed right now in Costa Rica.

RAINY: Mr. Fox is our new president now!  A critter of the critters!

MITZI: Yaysies!  Mitzi’s totally got fresh meat in the Oval Orifice again!  Now to totally grab an inaugural ball, or TWO!

CHIP: The First Lady is on her Fifth Guy now…

CHIP: It’s time for your speech, Mr. President!

MITZI: Woohoo!!!  Like, totally redress the nation, Foxy Woxy!

PRESIDENT FOX: ………………………………

FUZZYWIG: And that is why he won the election unanimously….

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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10 Responses to Meet The New Boss

  1. Congratulations on your new president! May he be a fair and approachable leader with little to few grabbing issues.

  2. AN OVERWHELMING VICTORY! Is there any other kind?

  3. draliman says:

    He doesn’t talk, but can he Tweet…?

  4. Thank goodness there were no Tweets to accompany the video. Not quite the inaugural concert I was expecting or hoping for.

  5. Good bye and hello the walrus said to the old and new.

    Jean

  6. Trisha says:

    Congratulations to Mr. Fox! The Shelf inauguration was much more intersting than the other one, which I stopped watching once they started parading the celebrities out. My only complaint about the Shelf inauguration is that the five car pile up caused by the squirreldeer wasn’t captured on video!

    • That’s what happens when all the news people are busy covering the inauguration and not the real news in town. I’m guessing since Mr. Fox will have immunity now, the victims of that pile up will be paying out of their own pockets to have their cars de-pooped.

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