The Slow Lanes

TROLL: Welcome to Shelf Critter Lanes, ma’am!

SPARKLEPONY: Do you have….

TROLL: Ten pound balls?  Yes, ma’am, I get that all the time.  Very original…

SPARKLEPONY: I was going to ask if you had size 7 bowling shoes!

TROLL: Oh…. I apologize ma’am!  Let’s see….. here you go!

SPARKLEPONY: These look hideous!

TROLL: Sorry ma’am, but we’re clean out of fungicide, so the soles may be a little grody…

SPARKLEPONY: I mean the style!  I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing these things!  Don’t you have any designer shoes?  Preferably with six inch heels?

TROLL: But you can’t bowl in six inch heels!  I  mean, not that I know that from experience…. other than that one time I lost a bet…. but… er…

ZAC: Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll!  Hook! Hook! Hook! Hook ’em horns!

ZAC: YAHOO!!!  I got a strike!  A big X!  Ten pins down!  This is so awesome!  Totally cool!  I’m Zac the Big Lebowski!

TROLL: Sir, I’m going to have to please ask you to keep it down, even the senior league full of deaf critters are complaining about the noise.

ZAC: Sorry!  My bad!  Oops I did it again!  Mea culpa!  I’m just so excited I got a strike!  Put it on the board!  OMG, I’ve totally wet myself!  Cleanup on Lane 69!

TROLL: Geez, you act like you’ve never bowled before.

ZAC: I haven’t!  Can’t bowl in a straitjacket!  But I can weave a totally mean basket!  Yep!  A tisket a tasket, I got a strike in the basket! Oh, here comes the paddy wagon for me again!  Yippie!!!  Bounce bounce bounce bounce!!!

VOICE: Hey YOU!!!  I wanna speak to the manager!!!

TROLL: Is there something I can assist you with, sir?

SNUGGLE: Yeah, there is, hairball!  Your bitch of a bartender here won’t gimme my bucket of booze I ordered for my team!

TROLL: This customer appears to be over the legal age to drink, I don’t see why…

SCRATCHY: He’s the coach for the youth league!

SNUGGLE: Dude, I’m not gonna share with the kids… I swear!  Not even the hot chick bowling for the Unicorn Rollers!

TROLL: Please give this gentleman his order, Scratchy.

SNUGGLE: Fuck yeah, this is more like it!  I’d wait for an apology from both of you, but I got some thirsty rugrats to take care of!

SCRATCHY: Who should I call first, Division of Family Services or Chris Hansen?

TROLL: Why don’t you try putting some music on for ambiance?

SCRATCHY: What, another one of your shitty disco records you play on rock and bowl nights?

TROLL: Excellent!  I’m in the mood for a little “Break My Stride!”

SCRATCHY: Fuck you, boss!  I’mma play something from my own collection…

TROLL: Oh dear.  Maybe I should check up on some of the other bowlers to make sure they’re having a good time…

TROLL: Hello young ladies!  Would you like me to set up the bumpers for you?

BEARCAT: Maybe we should, sis.  Neither of us have ever bowled….

ZEEBA: Fuck that shit!  Zeeba don’t need to cheat!

TROLL: That’s fine, ma’am.  But if I could please ask you to refrain from using foul lang…

ZEEBA: Watch this, mofo!!!!

Zeeba picks up the 16 pound ball and fires it overhanded right into the pins…

BEARCAT: Good job, sis!  You got a strike!

ZEEBA: Zeeba got BLOOD!  Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood on the lanes!!!!

TROLL: Oh my, what a terrible time for my janitor to have called off with the possum trots…

VOICE: Hey, worker!!!!

TROLL: How may I make your bowling experience more pleasurable, ma’am?

RAINY: It would be nice if you could turn the sprinkler system on.  But I’d settle for just getting a full rack of pins!

TROLL: Oh dear, there’s one missing!  I’ll be right back….

MITZI: Like, hisies and stuff, Trolly Wolly!  Mitzi’s totally polishing all the balls like you told her to!

TROLL: That’s wonderful, Mitzi.  But you haven’t seen a missing bowling pin around, have you?

MITZI: (Tongue bathing a house ball) Mitzi totally hasn’t seen one!

TROLL: I know you sometimes forget to…… you know…..

MITZI: OH!!!!  Mitzi knows where it is!!!!

Mitzi reaches in…… um……

MITZI: Mitzi, like, totally forgot she used it for a dildo again!!!

TROLL: I think the patrons would appreciate if the equipment wasn’t used for sex toys.  I’d wipe this off first, but I forgot to order napkins again….

TROLL: There you are, ma’am!  ready for action!

RAINY: Yay!  Watch me get a strike!

RAINY: That should have never went in the gutter!!!  Are you sure you properly oiled the lanes?

TROLL: Oil?  Oh, sorry ma’am, but Mitzi….. er, one of my employees appropriated the oil for….. uh, personal use.

RAINY: This totally pisses me off!!!  You stupid bowling pins!!!!

RAINY: Well, at least I got a spare!

VOICE: Excuse me, I need some help here!

TROLL: What seems to be the problem, sir?

BUSTER: The automatic ball return hasn’t brought my ball back.  Do you think you can get it for me.

TROLL: I’m sorry sir, but I’m very busy today.  You can feel free to retrieve it yourself, though.

BUSTER: Are you sure?  I don’t want to be violating any safety rules.

TROLL: Nah, I don’t mind if you get it yourself!

BUSTER: Well, I guess this wasn’t very difficult after all!

TROLL: I guess before I leave, I can at least push the re-rack button for him…

BUSTER: Oh my, what’s going on…. CLAMP!

TROLL: Ah, I see you have your ball back sir!

BUSTER: I believe my spleen is still back in the pit.

TROLL:  Feel free to get that yourself, too!  Have fun bowling!

TROLL: Excuse me, sir.  But I’m afraid there’s no smoking in the bowling center.

FUZZYWIG: You can’t smoke in a bowling alley?  This just isn’t America anymore, then.

TROLL: I’m going to have to ask you to please extinguish your cigarette.

FUZZYWIG: This isn’t a cigarette, Parker Bohn.  It’s a vaping bong!

TROLL: Sir, please, I could get in a lot of trouble…

FUZZYWIG: Do you mind?  I’m trying to get a 420 series here.

TROLL: Are you even bowling?

FUZZYWIG: What kind of a question is that?  I’d never miss color pin night!

TROLL: It isn’t color pin night….. we don’t even have colored pins!

FUZZYWIG: You don’t?  Hmmmmmm, maybe I need to quit coming here in the late afternoon…

Meanwhile, on the other side of the alley….

SNUGGLE: Oh yeah, Uncle Snuggie’s back with the hooch, kiddies!


SQUIRREL CHILD 2: Can we have some?

SQUIRREL CHILD 3: Someone shove Pipsqueak in one of the little lockers!

SQUIRREL CHILD 4: Yeah, before he tells Mom we’re drinking!

LITTLEST: You do and I’m telling Mommy!!!!

SNUGGLE: This ain’t for you little bastards!  You all can go slurp from the drinking fountain someone used as an ashtray!  Better yet…

Snuggle tosses a fistful of quarters out in front of the boys…

SNUGGLE: Get your asses in the arcade and don’t come out until your parents show up…. if they haven’t abandoned you all here again.

The excited squirrel children scoop up the coins to go play a marathon session of Mortal Bloodbath…

SNUGGLE: Now that it’s just us two, come sit on Uncle Snuggie’s lap so I can teach you about proper ball handling techniques, little girl!

TINA: ‘kay!

SNUGGLE: What do you want, bar bitch?  Can’t you see I’m busy corrupt… er, coaching the youth of the Shelf?

SCRATCHY: Don’t mind me, prevert.  I just wanted to introduce the new assistant youth coach to his his protege.

SNUGGLE: Dude!  I don’t need any help here!  Now why don’t you and this new hack…

TINA: Hey Mr. New Guy!  Think you can help Coach Snuggie with his knowledge about balls?  All I’ve learned so far is how to clean them!

BIG SCRAT: Well, I can certainly help your coach become a better mentor to young bowlers!

SNUGGLE: No fucking way!  Haven’t I got a restraining order on you for stalking me yet?

BIG SCRAT: Let’s see if you know your way around a bowling ball…

Big Scrat flips Snuggie over on his tummy…

SCRATCHY: Come with me, Tina.  This is about to turn into a league for adults…

BIG SCRAT: I think I see the problem…. a good ball should have three holes drilled into it, and you only have ONE!  Good thing I have my “drill” with me…

SNUGGLE: NOOOO!!! Stay out of my gutter!!!!

TROLL: What’s going on here?  Why is the snack bar “CROSED?”

HUNG LO: Hung Lo like to switch L’s and R’s like good Asian stereotype.

TROLL: Who gave you the authority to crose… er, close the snack bar down!?!?

HUNG LO: Oh, that would be this gentleman…

SLIDER: Are you the manager of this establishment?  I’m the health inspector, and I found this dog sitting in the pretzel warmer covered in salt!  Can you explain this blatant violation of the health code?


TROLL: Hung Lo!  What did I tell you about bringing stray dogs in the kitchen?

HUNG LO: Apologies sir.  Just used him to…… um…… chase rats away?

TROLL: You’re not helping our case!

SLIDER: I’ll deal with you later.  I’m going to look for more violations to send in to my boss Gordon Ramsay for next week’s show…


HANK: Gosh, ol’ Chip’s one strike away from a perfick game!

JIM BOB: Oh, we should let everyone know so they can all watch and make ‘im a nervous wreck!

CLETUS: I reckon you should tell the attendant at the desk to holler it out over the speakers!

JIM BOB: Swell idear, brother Clete!

JIM BOB: Hey there, fella!  Chip’s only a strike away from a three-hunnerd game!  You need to announce it to the whole alley!

DESK ATTENDANT FOX: (Over the intercom) ……………………………….

TROLL: I heard the announcement!  Have I missed anything?

BUB: Nope!  He’s getting ready to roll it now!

MARY: A once in a lifetime chance!  What could possibly go wrong…..?

Chip releases the ball to the anticipation of the makeshift crowd…

HEDDY: Oh lookie!!!!  It’s heading right for the pocket!!!!

SHADOW: (Appearing from nowhere) Greetings every….. OUCH!

The ball bounces off the magical intruder and rolls into the gutter.  Mr. Fox silently announces Chip’s 290 game to the apathetic crowd….

CHIP: I was robbed!!!  That was going to be a strike!!!!

SHADOW: I hope I didn’t drop in at an inopportune moment.

TROLL: Sir, you just ruined this critter’s perfect game!

SHADOW: Is that all?  Pshaw!  That is nowhere near as vital as the important announcement I came to deliver….

CHIP: You sabotaged my only chance at bowling perfection with an advertisement for a stupid contest!?!?

SHADOW: It is NOT a stupid contest!  This year’s theme is X, and this little play serves as The Nest’s unofficial example of a valid contest entry!

CHIP: But you kept me from getting my last X you long eared killjoy!!!!

SHADOW: Ehhhh, pity about that bit of irony, isn’t it?

CHIP: Yeah, a real pity….

Chip rears back and plants the steel toe of a house bowling shoe right in Shadow’s crotch…

TROLL: Oh dear, are you feeling a strange sensation inside your Pokeballs again, sir?

SHADOW: Not a…. strange sensation….. a……… very………. painful one!

TROLL: Is there anything I can do for you, sir?

SHADOW: Yes, I’m…. about to pass out….. from a hematoma.  Make sure….. the people…….. play……. THE CONTEST!!!

Pokecritter down!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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13 Responses to The Slow Lanes

  1. YAY – I think we all needed a Shelf Critter Theater episode even if it was a big commercial for “THE CONTEST”! I’ve had a bunch of ideas but nothing earth-shattering – yet. March 4 is sneaking up though…..


  2. markbialczak says:

    The big critter commercial just reminds me of how much I miss the Thursday Night Men’s Bowling League, Bill. It’s 11 months since our 2020 season was suspended a few weeks short of completion, and the lanes have been closed tight since. I’m pretty sure I’ve forgotten which foot to start out on.

    • Same here, though I know they attempted to start up the league again in September. Whether they actually did, I don’t know since the rest of my team has long been looking for an excuse to quit anyway. I have a feeling my bowling days are done for good now, as I won’t be returning solo…

  3. Now are we (the audience) to presume (never assume anything, nosiree, not me) that we’re to go forth to our own ‘lanes’ and proclaim that in however many days (I know it’s more than a week, but geez, MATH.) the *insert proper number* Annual C.O.W. will commence? I’d be happy too, in fact I will if there’s a thumbs up or down, because I just love to yammer….and this seems a very worthy cause!!

  4. draliman says:

    I can’t think of anyone better to run the youth team than Snuggle…
    I guess Zeeba could very literally “get blood out of a stone”.

  5. You guys sure know how to make bowling interesting which is quite the feat.

  6. Kismet says:

    Trollin for dollars?

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