The X Judges

FUZZYWIG: It’s time for us to put on our robes and…

SNUGGLE: Dude, is this gonna be a toga party?

MITZI: OMG!  If Mitzi would have known that, I would have totally worn my Barbie pink toga pants that show off Mitzi’s bubble butt!!!

FUZZYWIG: And people think my brain is the one that’s fried.  It’s judgment day for the 2021 Contest of Whatever, which means we’re going to show you all of the pretty entries people made for this contest while we offer our insightful and snarky commentary on them for your childish amusement.

SNUGGLE: Fuck yeah!  I love running my mouth!

MITZI: Mitzi likes running her mouf too!  When it isn’t, like, totally filled up with a hot dog or two…

FUZZYWIG: This year’s contest was brought to you by the letter X…

SNUGGLE: Damn, what kind of kinky shit was ES having his readers do this year?  I’m stiffer than Winston Churchill’s upper lip now!

MITZI: Like, Mitzi totally knows that ass!  Only she was rocking a horsie tail buttplug in the scene we totally did together!

FUZZYWIG: I see I’m going to need this pitcher of ice water for more than just washing my munchies down with today.

SNUGGLE: (Dumps out the ice water) Fuck that!  Come ‘ere, Mitz!  I know a better way to use this pitcher…

FUZZYWIG: (Gets out his Good Stuff) This is going to be a loooooong day…

Below you will find links to all eight submissions for the Eighth Annual Contest of Whatever.  The order each entry is listed in was drawn at random, and will be used Sunday to determine the random drawing winner.  If you haven’t done so already, please check out each of these wonderful entries that were created by bloggers like YOU!

Time for some X-rated commentary!

Entry #1: “Generation X – A Poem” – by Merby

A nostalgic look back at the world of the 1980’s we Gen X’ers grew up in… a world of Pound Puppies, Rubik’s Cubes and tap water straight from the hose.  And it all rhymes, because… poetry!

MITZI: Like, totally boobular and stuff!  Mitzi totally remembers the 80’s!  Mitzi still has her bright pink spandex leotards she wore when she played Get In Shape Grrl with the boy next door!  Only, they don’t fit anymore since I got those butt implants for my 16th birthday…

SNUGGLE: TV sucked in the 80’s, man!  You know how long you had to watch that scrambled porn on pay channels before you might get a halfway decent glimpse of a boob?  I still have those squiggly fucking lines burned in my retinas now…

FUZZYWIG: Ah, nostalgia.  We so fondly look back on all of the cool things like H.R. Pufnstuf and Mr. Snuffleuppagus, and conveniently forget all of the things that sucked balls like Nancy Reagan all up in my face about just saying NO!  They only had after school specials back in those days because it was so damn hard to score a joint at 4:20 and have a normal childhood…


Entry #2: “Chompers’ Choppers” – by ghostmmnc

Chompers the squirrel has a bad time while trying to find his false chompers.  This entry takes into account last year’s Murphy’s Law theme because it was Barb’s intended post for that contest before she wound up in the hospital.  We’re glad she didn’t X it out…

MITZI: Oh, poor widdow squirrely whirly!  Come here and let Mitzi, like, totally kiss all of your booboos better!  Mitzi’s, like, totally happy that her teeth are one of the few real things on Mitzi’s hot bod…. but it totally reminds me of that one time Mitzi dated an “older gentleman,” and his dentures totally came out while he was nibbling on Mitzi’s nipplies!  We coulda did a commercial for Polygrip!

SNUGGLE: Fuck!  Shit!  Goddammit!  Son of a bitch!  Motherfucker!  You know what those all are?  Good cuss words to yell when shit goes wrong.  Who in the fuck yells “Cowabunga” as a swear word?  Apparently squirrels whose teeth are so rotten that their brains are full of cavities…

FUZZYWIG: So help me out here… am I having a flashback to last year’s contest because of this entry, or because of all the grass I’ve smoked?  Shit, I’m so stoned right now, I can’t even remember what this year’s theme is either.  Hey Chompers, need something to ease the pain?


Entry #3: “X Marks the Spot” – by Draliman

Why curse your nemesis with a hex, when you can curse them with an X instead?  Guaranteed to make bad things happen, as poor PG finds out in this entry filled with the wonderful, amazing, almost lifelike artwork of the DraliDoodles staff…

MITZI: Why are witches always, like, made to be so mean and nasty?  Witches are supposed to be totally sexy!  Like, with fishnets and tall black boots, and a robe with a neckline cut so deep that it totally shows a bunch of boobage!  Mitzi’s bestie Elvira would totally not put an X on anyone!

SNUGGLE: Fuck the gang crossfire and falling satellites bullshit!  When every time you turn around, you have a fucking gay ass sabertooth squirrel ready to spear your ass…. THEN you can say someone’s put an X on you.  PG got off lucky, at least he’s only dead…

FUZZYWIG: I’m gunna put an X on ya guv’nuh!  Why can I not help but read this in a Cockney accent?


Entry #4: “The SGU” – by Jenn’s Midlife Crisis

Headed up by the hapless No. 1 mimbo, the Sciurine Gang Unit sets out to round up Madame X and her network of (allegedly) evil squirrels who have been terrorizing Citizen J and her property.  Victims include a pan of brownies and an innocent pair of women’s undergarments.

MITZI: No way!  Like, Madame X is totally Mitzi’s name when she wears her black leather catsuit!  Is there a bad boy who totally needs to be punished right now?

SNUGGLE: Some horny squirrel steals a pair of panties, and you think it was some ordered hit by a crime boss?  What the fuck kind of task force is this?  Dude, no guy needs to be told to go on a panty raid!  We’re more than capable of motivating ourselves to seek out some fine new sniffables!  I was swiping granny panties from the laundromat while you were probably still shitting your Dick Tracy Underoos…

FUZZYWIG: Brownies……  I saw the word brownies and my mind went blank.  Brownies…..


Entry #5: “The Exorcist” – by Pam Kimmell

A poetic take on the trials and tribulations of the career path your high school advisor probably never talked to you about before, the exorcist.  This entry contains everything but gakked up pea soup…

MITZI: Mitzi, like, can’t spin her head around all the way like Linda Blair can… but Mitzi can totally lick her own tootsies while wrapped around a stripper pole!  Oh, does Mitzi, like, totally have time to tell the story about that time Mitzi confessed all her sins to that priest and totally had him saying Hail Mitzis by the end?

SNUGGLE: People have been saying I’ve been possessed ever since I dissected my lab partner in biology class.  I don’t need no evil spirits, I’m just a fucking bad boy!  If you want to get to heaven, you gotta raise a little hell…

FUZZYWIG: The Exorcist is one of those movies you can totally watch while being stoned.  In fact, it makes more sense if you’re drifting on Cloud 420…


Entry #6 “X-plorers In Area X‘ – by Phenny and Nelly

Indiana Bones and Bilbo Barkins set out to x-plore Area X looking for the ancient trashures of King Solomon.  The only relic saved in this story are the Suzie Quattro memorial pants…

MITZI: Mitzi totally likes to put on her slutty Lara Croft cosplay outfit and go exploring in the local park, like, all the time!  Mitzi hasn’t found anything other than some beer cans and used condoms so far, but next time Mitzi will totally explore beyond the playground!

SNUGGLE: Man, you gotta have some real nads to post a picture of yourself pissing on a government sign like that!  It reminds me of the time I whacked off the tiny wiener of the cherub statue at the graveyard, stuck it up my nose, and then posted a selfie on Facebook!

FUZZYWIG: I hope Big Scrat is taking notes…

SNUGGLE: Shut the fuck up, Fuzzface!

FUZZYWIG: This reminds me of one of my former dealers who didn’t like to sell his stuff face to face.  So he’d take your money and hide the goods somewhere in the local park.  Do you know how awkward it is when a couple of kids find your stash first and you gotta take the joints right out of their mouths?  Their parents were gonna beat my ass…


Entry #7: “X Marks the Spot” – by Trisha

Three mother squirrels need to empty out the nest before the next batch of youngins arrives, so they send their spawn out on a futile treasure hunt while they get the hell out of town.  Trisha rigged a dangling pinecone above a prop X just to get some cute photos for this post!

MITZI: What, like, meanies!!!  Mitzi would, like, never abandon her little Mitzis like that!  Not that, like, Mitzi could do that anyway since Zeeba’s totally under house arrest for the rest of her natural life…

SNUGGLE: Damn, and my mother thought I was a dumbass!  Take all the lead out of gasoline and paint, and yet the kids just keep getting dumber and dumber!  Pretty soon, the curve’s gonna be so low, I’ll be considered a fucking genius!  Take that, Mrs. Wartnose, who thought I’d never amount to anything after I set her girdle on fire…

FUZZYWIG: That’s one way to get rid of a bunch of pesky kids.  Another way is to get a big, mean rottweiler and let it run loose in the neighborhood.  I kinda prefer my method…


Entry #8: “Chip Off The Ol’ Block” – by Melanie

Chip, Jr. (No relation to our Chip) is sent away by his mother so she can stay busy with all of his uncles, so he teams up with best friend Dale (No relation to Dale Earnhardt, Jr. or Sr.) to find a buried treasure in a map he bought off a vagrant… er, pirate.  What will be found under the X?  That’s for you to decide…

MITZI: Mitzi, like, totally grew up in the trailer park and knew lots of ladies like Chip Jr.’s mommy!  In fact, little Mitzi used to be given a bunch of quarters by her Mommy and told to hit the road many times.  I’m pretty sure, like, most of the time I go on a blind date, I’m really screwing a half-brother…

SNUGGLE: Yeah, way out in the country where it doesn’t matter if you’re family or even the same species!  My dad used to tell me if it has a hole and a heartbeat, it’s good to go!  I’m not so sure even the heartbeat is necessary sometimes…

FUZZYWIG: I’m glad I grew up in the ghetto and not the sticks.  I mean, we do some fucked up shit in the city too.  But at least all the weed makes it seem more normal…

MITZI: Awwww, is it, like, over already?

SNUGGLE: Dude, I was just getting warmed up!  I didn’t even get to call someone a cunt yet!

FUZZYWIG: I’m pretty sure that was all eight entries.  I love that I never have to take my shoes off to count in this game…

SNUGGLE: Since when do you wear shoes?

FUZZYWIG: Huh?  (Looks down at his bare feet) Oh, right.  I had to pawn them off last week when I really needed one more hit…

MITZI: Like, buh-bye everybody!!!!!  Mitzi will totally see everyone Sunday so she can give smoochies to the winners!

You heard Mitzi….. tune back in Sunday to find out which two of these entries will come home with a prize from the 2021 Contest of Whatever!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Squirrel Droppings and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to The X Judges

  1. normally now random house should ask if they are allowed to make a book of all x-stories… in real life it would happen….

  2. YAYsies and I’ll totally be baaacck to view the winners… I’m a tad dismayed that nobody has quite the dirty mind (or at least X-ish rated one that I do and didn’t get the very subtle “Chip N Dale” reference…but those are male strippers and not female, so maybe that’s the reason. Although I’m shocked Mitzi didn’t pick up on it. And maybe that incredibly foul mouthed bear (of whom the Cuzzins held a ‘bear meeting’ and banished him for cussin’ in front of Baby Bear). I’m fairly sure Snuggle could give a fuck, am I right? 😉 Thanks for the nod Squirrel! I’ll watch for tomorrow’s Saturday Squirrel and for Sunday’s ‘award’ festival. Cheers!

    • The Chippendale reference got lost in Disney’s Chip and Dale chipmunks, which is what I had though the inspiration was. Those kind of dancers may be too high class for Chip Jr.s trailer park, though…. what with their fancy bow ties and assless leather pants.

  3. What a great pile of entries for this year’s C.O.W. It was a fun challenge my wacky friend!

    Pam

  4. ghostmmnc says:

    Thanks so much for holding this CoW challenge. It is so fun to do, and also to read other entries. Yep, those are some good cuss words that I didn’t use – haha! Love the judges judgements – Fuzzywig was cracking me up. 🙂

    • The comments from the gang are now one of my favorite traditions of the contest… outside of getting to see all of the fabulous things everyone comes up with! Fuzzywig is very funny when he’s high as a kite…

  5. Oooh, I can see this is going to be a close contest! I can hardly hold it together in my anticipation of the future! Will there be a crown? A golden prize?

  6. draliman says:

    Another crop of fine entries for this year’s contest, packed full of X’s and squirrels!

  7. Talk about some liberal interpretation! Great job, contestants.

  8. Mer O'Leary says:

    I didn’t use squirrels or any grand swear words this time but I do hope that I win! Please, oh pretty, like, pleasies!

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