SQUIRREL KIDS 2-4: We want a batter, not a broken ladder!!!
LITTLEST: Shut up, guys! I’m gonna knock this one out of the shelf!
CHILD 1: (Pitching) Here comes my fastball, Pipsqueak!
CHILD 2: Holy crap!
CHILD 3: Have you been taking steroids?
CHILD 4: I’m telling Mommy!
LITTLEST: I’m telling Mommy you’re stealing my lines!!!
Littlest’s ball finally lands several hundred feet away….
BUSTER: Hmmmm, the mosquitoes must be bad this time of the….
CHILD 1: You alright, mister?
CHILD 2: I think he’s DEAD! That’s so cool!
CHILD 3: Way to go, Indiana Jones!
CHILD 4: You hit him in his Temple of Doom!
LITTLEST: It was an accident…. HONEST!!!
The poor possum’s world begins to fade into black….
Is that a light at the end of the tunnel, or an oncoming bullet train?
BUSTER: Wow, where am I? This reminds me of the time I fell asleep on the curb and got pushed by the street sweeper into the sewer…
RICKY: Welcome to the gates of heaven, my son. I’m the gatekeeper St. Ricky.
BUSTER: This is heaven? Wow, I must have been a better boy than I thought I was!
BUSTER: Wow, it looks so cool in heaven! Hey, is that Mother Teresa in a bikini?
RICKY: Get away from there! I haven’t authorized your admittance into the Squirrely Gates just yet!
RICKY: There’s a few issues on your permanent record that are a bit troubling.
BUSTER: You mean my sixth grade teacher was right about there being a permanent record?
RICKY: Of course there is! I used to be in charge of keeping the permanent record until our Lord created social media and got you critters to keep it for us.
BUSTER: So I’m not going to heaven then?
DEVIL: Bwahahaha!!! Come with me, Buster! We have cookies! Slightly burnt….
BUSTER: Are you Satan?
DEVIL: Nah, I’m just one of the underlings. I come to collect bad boys like you to drag down into the depths of hell to repeatedly stab with my Spork of Death!
RICKY: Begone, demon!
DEVIL: Aw, c’mon Ricky! Just a few jabs in that big possum belly?
RICKY: If you don’t leave, I’ll give you a stern lecture!
DEVIL: Alright, alright, don’t bore me to death! I’m outta here! My spork’s got an appointment with Hitler’s face this afternoon anyway. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!
BUSTER: So if I can’t get in heaven and you won’t let me go to hell, what’s going to happen to me.
RICKY: You’re almost good enough to go inside, Buster. Close enough for holy work, like they say. But I feel you need to earn your ticket in… so I’d like you to return to earth and help fix some issues on the shelf.
BUSTER: What’s wrong with the shelf?
RICKY: It’s a disgusting place full of sinners and unholy acts! And Fran agrees with me! If you can right even one wrong on the shelf, I’ll overlook that time you peed in the water at your Baptism.
BUSTER: OK, I’ll try it! I usually don’t respawn in the same episode, though…
RICKY: No, you’ll return to the shelf as a spirit! The critters won’t be able to see or hear you, but I can’t make you incorporeal or you won’t be able to do anything. So be careful!
BUSTER: I understand, sir! I’m always very careful around danger!
RICKY: Sure you are. I’ll give you an easy first assignment. One of my raccoon kin on the shelf likes to partake of the devil’s weed! It’s almost 4:20 right now, I want you to keep him from getting high today!
BUSTER: Consider it done, sir! Heaven, here I come….
FUZZYWIG: (Looking at his cannabis leaf watch) 10 seconds! Nine….. eight….. seven….. uhhhhhh….. I lost count. Heck, it’s always 4:20 somewhere. Time to light up!
BUSTER: Oh no! I need to grab his bag of weed while he’s distracted with his paraphernalia! Got it!
BUSTER: Oh, hello doggy! Wait a minute…. can you see me? Oh poo! I forgot dogs have a sixth sense!
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! I SEE DEAD POSSUMS! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
FUZZYWIG: What’s all that racket about?
Fleabag begins gruesomely mauling Buster’s spirit….
FUZZYWIG: Have you lost your mind, mutt? Having fights with invisible objects? Have you been chewing my MARIHUANA? I’d take you straight down to the Chinese buffet right now if I didn’t really need a hit…. (lights up his Good stuff) aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh…. now this is heaven!
BUSTER: Sorry, boss. I didn’t really succeed.
RICKY: Yes, I saw that. You probably couldn’t even take candy from a cherub. Well, I’ll give you another chance. Rainbow Donkey is about to commit adultery with a woman who isn’t his wife.
BUSTER: Have you seen his wife? I’d cheat on her too.
RICKY: Don’t make me bonk you on the head with my halo. Now, I want you to keep an eye on Rainbow Donkey and make sure he doesn’t stray from the path of goodness!
BUSTER: Roger that!
BUSTER: There’s my target! I’ll just loosely tail him…. wait, I forgot, I’m invisible! I’ll just catch up and see where he’s going…
MITZI: OMG!!! Like, my Dial-A-Stallion’s totally here! Don’t be afraid to, like, totally come inside!
RAINBOW DONKEY: Only if you’re on the horsepill, baby!
BUSTER: Well, I better get in there and stop….
BUSTER: Well, that was rude! What am I, invisible? Oh, right. Well, let’s try something…
BUSTER: Being a ghost is so much fun! Maybe I can talk Ricky into letting me stay like this! Now to stop those two from committing the ghastly sin of doing it!
ZEEBA: Dafuq? Who let you in here?
BUSTER: Wait! You can see me?
ZEEBA: Nevermind, I’m gonna hang you from the ceiling in my room and beat your ass like a pinata!
BUSTER: Ow! Ow! Ow!
ZEEBA: Take that! And that! Bleed, you stupid ghost!!! BLEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BEARCAT: What’s going on, Sis? Are you talking to yourself again?
ZEEBA: (Swinging like a mad zebra) BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!
BEARCAT: OK, it must be those voices in your head again. I’ll just go back to Mommy’s room and take notes for my sex ed class…
RICKY: Need an aspirin?
BUSTER: I’ll pass. I’m not too keen on blood thinners…
RICKY: Sigh, I guess we can try again. Certainly you can help out the poor squirrel children who killed you from the vicious child abuse of their demented mother.
BUSTER: Aw, come on…. she can’t be that bad!
SQUIRREL MOM: I know what you naughty children did today!
CHILD 1: It was an accident mom!
CHILD 2: That possum shoulda been watching his surroundings!
CHILD 3: Yeah, it was his fault!
CHILD 4: Besides, Littlest is the one who killed him!
LITTLEST: Did NOT!!!!
SQUIRREL MOM: I could care less about a possum’s life. I mean you little heathens were playing in the street again! I’m fetching your father’s belt..
BUSTER: Oh no, that’s awful! I need to hide that belt so she can’t beat her children!
SQUIRREL MOM: This is going to hurt you a lot more than it hurts me….
SQUIRREL MOM: Where did it go? Which one of you rotten little kids hid your dad’s belt from me!?!? I guess I can’t whip your little behinds now….
BUSTER: Whew, I finally saved the day!
SQUIRREL MOM: So I’ll just shiv you all instead! Now, who wants to lose a kidney first?
Buster throws himself in the way….
…and dies a hero.
RICKY: I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t serve Buddhists at the gates of heaven.
HUNG LO: Hung Lo not Buddhist. Hung Lo Jewish! Would you like to see me wearing my Yamaha?
BUSTER: Say Ricky, I….
HUNG LO: Cutter cutter peanut butter! I was in line first! Please wait turn!
BUSTER: How did you die anyway? Catch distemper from eating one of your undercooked eggrolls?
HUNG LO: Nope! Hung Lo went through airport turnstile sideways and banged…..
RICKY: He died from a penile infection, OK. Now sir, I must ask you to please leave here! There’s a nice gentleman with a red suit and a spork over there who can find eternal lodging for you…
HUNG LO: Very well… Hung Lo like it hot like kitchen! I’m glad I packed my thong…
BUSTER: Well, sir… I had to take one for the team, but I prevented those poor children from being neglected by their psychotic mother!
RICKY: No you didn’t. As soon as you passed out from all the lost blood, she finished the job. Now I’m going to have to find more coloring books for our children’s waiting room! I’m not sure how many more chances I should give you….. but there’s still enough blasphemous sinning on the shelf to keep an entire thundercloud full of angels busy. As we speak, Snuggle Bear’s preparing to take advantage of a poor, young girl! You need to save her from a lifetime full of trauma!
BUSTER: You can count on me, St. Ricky!
RICKY: No, I don’t think I can…… but I have no choice.
SNUGGLE: Hey there, little girl! Uncle Snuggie’s got your favorite kind of candy over here on his lap!
TINA: Oh goodness! It surely can’t be a trap, can it? Not that I care, cuz…. CANDY!!!!
SNUGGLE: Come on up here and lick Uncle Snuggie’s candy stick!
BUSTER: How despicable! I need to act before that poor filly eats the wrong candy!!!
BIG SCRAT: Did someone say they had my favorite candy? Perhaps you’d like to try my Blow Pop….
BIG SCRAT: Hey, that’s odd. I haven’t even mounted those bear cheeks yet, but it feels like…..
BUSTER: Ack! Talk about being between a rock and a hard place! Please, sir, could you remove your pointy genitalia from my back door?
BIG SCRAT: Heck with it! This new experience feels too good! Today’s your lucky day, Snuggle! Humping the air has never felt better!
BUSTER: Oh no! I’m getting my pipes cleaned out while Snuggle’s continuing his preverted ways with that innocent child! I really need extricated from this situation…. someone? Ricky? HELP!!!!!!!!
BUSTER: Well, at least I didn’t die this time…. though I sure wish I had.
RICKY: Did I give you permission to engage in the same sinful acts you need to be purging?
BUSTER: Sorry, sir… it wasn’t my intention. Believe me!
RICKY: Well, I’ve got a really tough job here…. but it needs to be done. You’re familiar with Shelf President Uncle Sam?
BUSTER: Sure! What a swell guy he is!
RICKY: He needs to be assassinated…
RICKY: This is an AK-47.
BUSTER: That looks like a USB stick.
RICKY: We know our weaponry in heaven, son. Take this machine gun with you and hide on the grassy knoll until the President’s motorcade approaches. And please….. don’t miss! With Sam gone, a lot of the corruption on the Shelf will go away….. at least until the next election.
BUSTER: I’ll give it a shot!
BUSTER: Verrrrrrry interesting!
BUSTER: Oh my, here he comes! Alright Buster….. (aims his gun) steady…. you can do this…… I always did have a crush on Jodie Foster…..
BUSTER: Wait! That little girl’s out in the middle of the street! The motorcade’s going to run over her! Doesn’t anyone see her!?!?
CAPER: Ha! As if…
BUSTER: Oh crud! I hate to abandon my appointed duty, but I must save her! Hold on, dear! Here I come!!!!!
Buster heroically dives out in front of the oncoming limousine and pushed Caper out of the way in the nick of time….
BUSTER: Oh, that smarts! Well, I may have been crushed to death, but at least I saved an innocent lif……
Caper’s momentum from Buster’s shove pushes her right into…..
….. an oncoming lawnmower.
CLETUS: Oh shoot! I reckon I musta hit a derned mole again!
RICKY: You really are a fuck-up, aren’t you?
BUSTER: Lady Luck’s never really been in my little black book.
RICKY: You think you can do something simple like stop Rainy from spraying some unsuspecting critter?
BUSTER: Wouldn’t it be easier to just seed the clouds and give her what she wants?
RICKY: Appeasement has no part in heaven, Neville Chamberlain. GO!
Buster leaves to attempt another ill-fated intervention on the shelf. Just as he disappears into the clouds, the gates open….
EVIL SQUIRREL: What’s going on out here?
RICKY: Do I know you?
ES: No…. I’m just fucking GOD, that’s all!
RICKY: Do you have a valid ID?
ES: What’s this I’ve been hearing about you sending lost souls back to earth to try and unfuck the shelf?
RICKY: Don’t you want the shelf to be a lush garden free from sin?
ES: Ricky!!!! You continue to fuck up every time I give you an SCT episode!!!!
RICKY: But my Lord! I’m just doing your word!
ES: Shelf Critter Theatre is supposed to be a fucked up place!!!! This isn’t Little Shelf on the Fucking Prairie!!!! I see I’m going to have to deal with you once again, Ricky…..
RICKY: Not down to the Goodwill store….. please…..
ES: Rotting at the Goodwill store next to nasty ass unwashed tube socks from 1982 is too good for you!!!! No, you need to be severely punished…..
ES…. er, God presses the red button on his phone.
DEVIL: You rang?
ES: Take this miserable excuse for an angel and spork his ass for all eternity!!!!
DEVIL: Oh, goody! I just had this thing up Stalin’s butthole….
RICKY: Ouch! Ouch! Please, Lord, reconsider….. ouch!!!!
ES: Well, that takes care of that traitor! But now I need a new guardian of the gate! Someone who won’t try to undermine my work! Better yet, someone who’ll never cause me any problems at all. And I think I’ve got just the critter for the job!
BUSTER: I’m back sir! I took all of the sprayings from Rainy and kept other critters out of harm’s way! So what do you say….. can I get into heaven now? Well???? St. Ricky?????
ST. FOX: ………………………………
BUSTER: Gotta decide before you give me an answer? That’s OK, I’ll just take a seat on that bench over there until you give me the word that I’m good to go! I hope there’s a decent copy of Better Cans and Dumpsters to read while I wait……
St. Fox….. the Guardian of Eternal Purgatory!