The Chamber Of Tortures

SAGE: Do you think our protest will get this lab closed down?

SLIDER: I hope so.  But it might help if you got naked like those PETA chicks do.

SAGE: You think that would get more attention for our cause?

SLIDER: Well, it would certainly get more attention from me!

TROLL: Hey!  Keep it down!  The boss sent me out here because all of your racket is disturbing the exploding kitten experiments!

SLIDER: A-HA!!!  So there is animal abuse going on in this building!

SAGE: This is nothing but an evil laboratory!!!

TROLL: No!  What would make you think this is an evil laboratory?

TROLL: Oh, fuck!  I forgot to change the sign this morning!  The boss will have my large intestine probed with a coat hanger if he finds out I screwed up again…

Troll hastily flips the sign…

TROLL: There!  See, no evil laboratory here!  Now if you’ll please be moving along, there’s no loitering allowed on labor… er, dispensary property!

SLIDER: We’re not leaving until we can rest assured each and every critter in this lab can live a normal life free from torture!

SHADOW: Is there any reason this riffraff is still occupying our entryway, Troll?  Other than your utter incompetence as a loyal minion, that is?

SLIDER: Are you in charge of this torture chamber?

SHADOW: I know not of what you speak, lowly rabblerouser.

SAGE: We know you’re hurting so many poor little furbabies in there, you big meanie!!!

SHADOW: Sigh, more people who don’t understand the business of science and progress.  Perhaps I can cure your ignorance by taking the two of you on a guided tour of the facility to put your minds at ease that nothing untoward occurs here.  Please….. step inside.

Upon entering the lobby, our noble activists encounter their first critter…


SAGE: Oh, look at the little puppy dog!  He’s so cute!!!! (Sage reaches down to pet the mongrel)

SHADOW: Ah-ah-ah!!!  Don’t touch that canine!  He has a very important function at this facility and needs to focus on his task.

SLIDER: And just what are you subjecting this poor pooch to against his will?

SHADOW: Against his will?  How rich.  He wouldn’t leave if I forced him.  This dog is used in our cross-species breeding program.  He mates with any critter that possesses a vagina…

SLIDER: You force this dog to have sex all day?

SAGE: How cruel!!!!

SAGE: This puppy isn’t just a penis for you to take advantage of for your sick genetic experiments!  He has a heart and a soul, and I’m sure he’d be much happier as a loving pet for a family who is in need of a furry companion!  This dog deserves to be treated with respect and kindness, and…… do any of you feel a draft?


SAGE: BAD DOGGY!!!!!!!!!  BAD!!!!!


SHADOW: Stop this at once!  You just damaged company property!  If he can’t perform his breeding duties after you kicked him in the groin, I’m going to hold you personally responsible for our fair and just compensation!  TROLL!!!

TROLL: Yes sir?

SHADOW: Take this dog down to the recovery room and massage his testicles until they are no longer that grotesque purple color.

TROLL: OK…. wait, what did you just ask me to do?

SHADOW: I didn’t ask you anything, I ordered it.  And I know how…. “affectionate” you are with some of the test subjects when you think I’m not watching.

TROLL: Oh……… um, right sir.  This stays a secret, right?

SHADOW: Everything here is a secret!

TROLL: OK, come on, mutt!  Time to put the old magic fingers to work!

SHADOW: Now to get back to this silly tour….. huh, where did those two misguided protesters go?

LUNA: Stand back, you skunk haired bitch!  Or this goes in YOUR eye next!

SAGE: No, it’s cruel to test makeup on critters, and I won’t let you torture this poor pony anymore!

SLIDER: Look at the damage that’s already been done!  I hope we’ve arrived in time to save this one from a life of looking like Tammy Faye Bakker.

LUNA: For the record, we’re only testing this makeup to see if it can make even the ugliest critters look beautiful!

SPARKLEPONY: And I only came down here because I saw my husband enter this building, and I KNOW he’s cheating on me with some floozy lab rat here!!!

SHADOW: And I’ve told you before, gaudy critter, that your husband was brought down here to….. um…. I mean, he willingly decided to donate his horn to science so we can dissect it to discover its magical properties.

SPARKLEPONY: Then where is he!?!? Where’s my Rainbow Donkey!?!? (Luna jabs another glob of mascara in Sparkle’s eye) OWWWW!!!!

SHADOW: It takes a long time to recover from a hornectomy.  Usually around…. um…. well, we sent him to a special home while he recovers.  One that makes rainbow slime for children.  Check the glue section of Mecca next week.

Sage hears muffled cries down the hall and sneaks away to investigate…

SAGE: Oh dear!!!  What have they done with you!?!?

BROTHER BEAR: Oh, hi!  They wanted me to test the strength of the fabric in these jeans… so I’m lying on a bed of nails.

SAGE: Couldn’t they just test the fabric without you wearing it?

BROTHER: Nah, something about how they’d rather perform experiments under real world conditions.  And other sciencey kind of stuff I didn’t understand while they strapped me down.

SAGE: Are you in pain?

BROTHER: Eh…. I’d only give it an 8 on the 10 point pain scale.  They do have the nails in the low position, so it’s mainly just piercing my epidermis.

SAGE: Hold on, buddy!  I’m going to break your restraints!

SAGE: There!  Your shackles have been removed!  You’re free to leave this horrible place and discover your true purpose in life!










SAGE: Well?  What are you waiting for?

BROTHER: Oh, sorry.  I forgot to tell you that I can’t get up!

SAGE: Why not?

BROTHER: It’s a manufacturing defect.  Say, is there any way you could maybe pull me to the front door?  I think I’ve lost a little weight while lying here….

SAGE: You know what (throws the switch)…..

SAGE: Maybe this is your purpose in life.  How are those jeans holding out, big boy?

BROTHER: OW!  Oh dear!  OW! I do hope ripped jeans are still in fashion! OW! OW!!!  Is my buttcrack showing?


SLIDER: What are these children doing confined in this glass tube?

SHADOW: That would be none of your business!


CHILD 2: Help us!

CHILD 3: We’re being tortured!

CHILD 4: And we’re missing Spongebob!

LITTLEST: Go tell Mommy since I can’t!

SHADOW: I told you incorrigible brats before, your mother is the one who sold you to my lab!

SLIDER:What?  Why would a parent sell their precious children to be experimented on!?!?

SHADOW: Why don’t you ask her yourself?

SQUIRREL MOM: OK kiddies, time for your hourly dose of high voltage current!


SAGE: No!  How could you do this to your own babies!?!?

SQUIRREL MOM: Says someone who obviously has no kids herself.  Maybe my husband can help you make some more.  He’s in the glass tube in the next room with his wiener attached to a light socket…

LITTLEST: My thingie’s tingling!!!!

SQUIRREL MOM: That’s what you get for peeing on the carpet when you were three!  Now, a little extra juice to make up for all those gray hairs and stretch marks you five gave me!

The lights in the room dim a bit…

SHADOW: (Dragging Sage and Slider by their collars) Alright, esteemed guests… the show is over!

In the hallway…

SAGE: What did you do to this poor critter?

SLIDER: Whatever it was must have had dire consequences on his psyche!  He seems to be completely non-responsive!

SHADOW: Foolish do-gooders.  That’s not even a critter!  I picked him up at a garage sale several years ago.  He’s nothing more than a decoration.  Tell them, Mr. Fox!

MR. FOX: …………………………………..

SHADOW: See?  Now, let’s move on to…

SLIDER: Hold up!  Who are these critters?

SHADOW: Them?  Oh….. they’re just…. um…. volunteers we pulled off the street to test out a new air freshener!

SAGE: Ooh!  I love scented things!  Let me follow them…..

The critters file into a room and the door slams shut behind them…

SAGE: Hey, wait!  I want a sniff too!  Especially if it’s skunkin spice!

SLIDER: “Danger!”  Just testing out air fresheners, huh?

SHADOW: Well….. that sign does help keep interlopers from butting into our experiments….

The door opens…

TROLL: Boss, mission accomplished!  Come look for yourself!

SLIDER: What happened in here!?!?

TROLL: It worked like a charm!  A 100% casualty rate!


SAGE: Did the air freshener stink that bad?

SLIDER: That was no air freshener!  These critters were GASSED!!!!

UNCLE SAM: How’s that new biological weapon you’re testing going, son?

SHADOW: Mr. President, I’m please to report that our testing has been a complete success!

SAM: Complete success, huh?  I’m not as dumb as you think I am!

SHADOW: Ahem!  Troll….. are you forgetting something?

TROLL: Huh?  Oh…… right!!!!

SAM: Now that’s better!  I don’t want this fancy gas leaving anything living behind!

SLIDER: Sir!  These critters were enticed to this room without knowing they’d be experimented on with biological weaponry!

SAM: You can’t make scrambled eggs without breaking a few eggs….. or something like that.  Besides, I might have to use this on our own critters someday anyway…. like, next election cycle… so it’s good to know it’ll liquidate them too!

SAM: Good work, citizen!  The government will now be conscripting you for military duty!  Prepare to be stationed in the Middle Eastern desert!

RAINY: But it never rains in the desert!!!

SAM: Then I imagine it won’t take you very long to gas all of this Shelf’s enemies to death!  Now to get your regulation crew cut….. forward, MARCH!!!  Shadow, stick around so we can discuss your new government contract…

SLIDER: While he’s preoccupied with the President, this is our opportunity to liberate the rest of the suffering critters here! You go check that side of the building while I check this side…

SAGE: Oh no, you look like you’re in really bad shape!  What did this horrible laboratory do to you?

FUZZYWIG: Huh?  Laboratory?  Look officer, I swear I thought this was a dispensary and not a meth lab!

SAGE: There, there… it’s going to be alright!

FUZZYWIG: No it isn’t!  I got lost in here and I haven’t had a toke in almost 24 hours!!!!  It’s 4:20, and I need a hit, man!!!

SAGE: Well, maybe when we get you out of here, you can get….

FUZZYWIG: No, the withdrawals are too bad!  I gotta have a fix pronto!

SAGE: But I don’t have any of that funny stuff!  So you’ll have to wait…

FUZZYWIG: Pluck out some of my fur then!

SAGE: Excuse me!?!?

FUZZYWIG: Yeah, it builds up in there you know!  I should be able to get by for a bit by smoking my own fur….

FUZZYWIG: Hey, where are you going?  Come on, man, I’m suffering here!  Don’t be complicit to critter cruelty, man!  You slacktivist!!!!

SLIDER: I could hear the cries of agony from all the way down the hall!  What are they doing to you?

RICKY: I’m still suffering for my “sins” from the last episode, and I’m (OW!) being sporked to death by this freak in the (OW!) red suit!

DEVIL: And you love it, don’t you!  You have a secret spork fetish just like Osama bin Laden!

SLIDER: You’re being punished for sins?  Say, you aren’t one of those religious weirdos, are you?

RICKY: That’s a rather demeaning way of (OW!) putting it.  I am a faithful follower of our lord and (OW!) savior Evil Squirrel.  Now please extricate me from this (OW!) personal hell!

SLIDER: Sorry, sir, but I’m a government employee and very much believe in the separation of church and state.  I’m afraid it would be unconstitutional for me to rescue someone from religious martyrdom…

RICKY: Sigh, very well.  There will be a (OW!) spork with your name on it someday…

DEVIL: How about this one that was personally autographed by Mussolini?  JAB! JAB! JAB!!!

SAGE: I’m having a little trouble finding critters that deserve to be rescued.

SLIDER: Yeah, me too.  That’s OK… we know exactly what’s going on in this lab now, and once the media gets ahold of this, they’ll shut this horrible place down in no time and free all of the slaves to science that are held here!

SHADOW: I wouldn’t be too sure about that…

SLIDER: We have photographic evidence of the brutal experiments you conduct here!  Show him, Sage!

SAGE: Huh?

SLIDER: I saw you kept getting your phone out!  Didn’t you take pictures of the horror?

SAGE: Oh…. no!  I was just getting selfies with all the cute, suffering critters!

SLIDER: Well, it doesn’t matter, because our word of mouth will be enough to do this place in!

SHADOW: Perhaps I should introduce you nosy beings to our most secret project first…

Shadow removes the cover from the object next to him…

SHADOW: This is the RoboFox 3000!  This exemplary piece of machinery is capable of firing lasers that will burn a hole clean through a concrete wall three feet thick!  I’m sure it will have no trouble doing away with a couple of measly intruders like you two infidels!

SAGE: You mean that cute little thing’s going to shine us with its glowing eyes?

SHADOW: Burn holes right through your torsos is a more apt description…

SLIDER: You won’t get away with this!

SHADOW: And why not?

ROBOFOX: Robofox lasers at FULL POWER!!!

SHADOW: The only thing that can save you now is the deus ex machina….


SHADOW: What the devil!?!?

SLIDER: Not devil, god!  Deus is Latin for god!

MITZI: Like, hiesies!!!  Mitzi’s here to, like, answer the ad this lavatory placed for someone to totally breed with a puppy wuppy!!!

SHADOW: Errr, you need to report downstairs to Room 69….

MITZI: Like, you totally have the cutest long ears!  You must be the puppy wuppy!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHADOW: No, wait!!!!!!!!

MITZI: Like, is that a test tube in your lab coat, or are you just happy to see ol’ Mitzi?

SHADOW: I’m feeling a strange sensation….. NO!!!  My Pokeballs are reaching critical mass!  HELP!!!!!!

MITZI: You’re, like, so totally sex-ay!!!!

MITZI: Mitzi’s gonna, like, take you home with me and tie you up in Mitzi’s dungeon to totally do some wicked BDSM experiments on you!!!!

SHADOW: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo!!!!  This is cruelty to critters!!!!!  Somebody, please release me from this sex fiend!!!!!!!!!!

SLIDER: Now that’s what I call getting a dose of your own medicine!

SAGE: So, like, what do we do with him?

SLIDER: Your tormentor is gone now, Robofox!  You’re free to scamper out in the world on your own now!

SAGE: Yeah, go on, cutie!  Live free and prosper!

Robofox runs out the door, eye lasers still fully powered….

SAGE: YAY!  This episode got a happy ending!

EVIL SQUIRREL: The hell it did!  Who edited my script!?!?

SLIDER: I beg your pardon, sir?

ES: Buster!!!  We had a whole episode full of death and mayhem, and no Buster!!!  Who the hell wrote Buster out of this story!?!?

TROLL: Errrrr, sir.  I may have forgotten to tell you while I was rubbing the dog’s balls…. but Buster called in sick this morning.

ES: What!?!?  Buster can’t call in sick!!!  I don’t even give you critters sick pay!!!  What the hell could be wrong with him that he didn’t want to show up for work and die!?!?!?

MAURY: (On TV) Snuggle………. you are the father!!!!

BUSTER: (Sniffle) I really feel bad about missing work today because of the (Sniffle) possum trots… but at least I can catch up on my favorite talk shows!  I do hope Phil Donahue’s still on the air…

Buster’s front door busts open…


BUSTER: (Burning alive) Wonderful!  This should clean out my sinuses!

Welcome to the work from home era, Buster!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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10 Responses to The Chamber Of Tortures

  1. Kismet says:

    You have a draft there That is sooooo 70’s.

  2. draliman says:

    I had trouble concentrating after reading “exploding kitten” 😮
    I had a feeling when Robofox ran out, Buster was in for a bad time. Though he seemed to take it all in his stride!

    • There’s actually a card game we sell at Mecca called Exploding Kittens. Not sure if it’s available where you live, but it sounds like a blast to play… even if you don’t have kittens or explosives handy.

  3. Buster is a master of “temporary destructability” (?)……and the story DOES have a happy ending – cleaned out sinuses are a definite blessing! Moral of the story (which is immoral but so what):
    Never trust a lab (dog or facility).


  4. I’m fairly sure that game “Exploding Kittens” does NOT have the ‘Ody Seal of Approval” does it?

  5. Mer O'Leary says:

    Brother bear was just the worst choice of gift, wasn’t he? I’m gonna send you a real critter!! Just need to find one…

    • Brother Bear’s manufacturing defect has turned him into a SCT legend! We’re presenting him with a trophy for his sportsmanship…. too bad he’ll have to stand up to claim it.

  6. The self-serving shelf critters are very much alive and well (well except for Buster but that’s another story about shelfdom).

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