The 70’s Preservation Society

a box full of junk

What’s this?  Could it be…..?  Yes, it’s the return of your favorite midweek feature Random Image Inspiration!  Where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter.  It’s been a long time since we fired up the Randomator, so we’ll pour some Heet in the tank and hope for the best…

41, 7, 40, 78

The 41st post in my Reader was this one by Mark Bialczak

The 7th word in that post is “Karen” (Maybe the first time RII has ever caught a person’s name!)

The 40th word in that post is “of”

Putting “Karen of” into Google Images brought this up as the 78th result…

Well, if it isn’t those soft rock legends, The Carpenters.  Shelf critters, take it away………

CHIP: Do you know what really gets me in a 70’s kind of mood, Fuzzy?

FUZZYWIG: Hey, I didn’t even think you smoked that stuff, Chip!

CHIP: No, I mean listening to soft folk rock from groups like The Carpenters!

FUZZYWIG: Yeah, because, you know, Led Zeppelin just kills the buzz.

CHIP: I’m serious, Chip, Karen Carpenter had one of the greatest voices outside of Yoko Ono, and I just live listening to their hits…

SCRATCHY: Are we seriously doing a commercial for the fucking Carpenters?  If I played this shit down at the club, the patrons would burn the joint down if they didn’t fall asleep first.

CHIP: All the more reason we need to offer up this compilation album of The Carpenters greatest hits, to open up everyone’s ears to the wonderful mellow music that made the 70’s so great!

FUZZYWIG: The fact that you can remember what made the 70’s so great proves you didn’t even live through the 70’s.

SCRATCHY: Let’s get this shit over with before I smash this horrid vinyl disc over your squirrely head.

CHIP: The Sorta Best Of The Carpenters contains all of their most loved songs!  Like their amazing cover of “Please, Mr. Postman”…

TROLL: Please, Mr. Postman… is there a letter in your bag for me?  Like, maybe a check from the unemployment office?

SANTA: As fucking if!  The only thing in my bag for you is more bills, a postcard from Ed McMahon saying you may already be a loser, and these coupons for Great Clips that you should probably consider using!

CHIP: That song just really warms the cockles of my heart.

FUZZYWIG: I think it chafed the wrinkles in my nutsack.

CHIP: There’s also their megahit “Close To You”…

SNUGGLE: Oh yeah, all the girls long to be close to me!

TINA: Dream on, Pedobear!

SNUGGLE: Please!  You all love my candy!  Hey, when are we gonna hawk a Sammy Davis, Jr. compilation album so I can do this again?

BEARCAT: Silly Snuggie, we’re didn’t come close to you for your candy!

CAPER: Ignore me, as usual.  I’m just being utilized as a censored bar.

SNUGGLE: Dude, I’m a total chick magnet!  Of course you came to be close to me!

BIG SCRAT: You’re right, I do want to be close to you, Snuggie Wuggie Teddy Bear!

SNUGGLE: Dafuq!?!?  You’re ruining the wholesome vibe of The Carpenters, dude!

TINA: Get a little big closer to him, Mr. Big Scrat!

BEARCAT: Yeah, we want to see how close you can get to Uncle Snuggie!

BIG SCRAT: Will do, kiddies!

SNUGGIE: NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!  The Carpenters didn’t sing “Lola!”  Or “Big Ten Inch!

CHIP: The 70’s were a bit weirder than I remember.

FUZZYWIG: That’s why you shoulda got stoned, dude.

SCRATCHY: I’d need to be stoned to listen to this garbage!

CHIP: You’re gonna want to be sober for this inspiring song, “Top of the World!”

BUSTER: Wow, it’s so cool looking down on creation from on top of the world!  The critters all look like ants from this high….. no wait, those are ants!  Evil Squirrel never cleans this pigsty…

SPORK!

DEVIL: Cool!  I can see the ants gnawing on that possum carcass from all the way on top of the world!  I should get out of Hell more often…

SCRATCHY: Nothing quite inspires me like splattering possums.

CHIP: I’m not sure the right video is being queued up for these songs.  Anyway, here’s another great cover of a classic from The Carpenters, “There’s a Kind of Hush”…

MR. FOX: ………………………….

CHIP: Sing it, man!  You know all the words!

FUZZYWIG: I think all these years of SCT have finally made Chip crack.

SCRATCHY: Well, his ass is cracked.

CHIP: You all ain’t heard nothing yet!  This album also includes one of my favorites, “Hurting Each Other”…

ZEEBA: BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!

NINJA ON A SKATEBOARD: Die bitch!  Bie!!!!!!!!

SLIDER: (Tweet!) Alright, this bloodbath has gone on long enough!  I’m putting an end to this fighting!

ZEEBA & NINJA: BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!

SLIDER: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

ZEEBA: BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!

NINJA: DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!

CHIP: I don’t remember The Carpenters being so violent.

FUZZYWIG: That’s why most of us mellowed out with the good stuff, man.

SCRATCHY: Can we just say there’s 21 more shitty hits on this album and be done with it?

RAINY: No!  Because you haven’t played my favorite Carpenters song yet!

CHIP: Oh.  Sorry, but we had to cut “Rainy Days and Mondays” from the album because….. well, you know…..

RAINY: Yes, I do know.  Because it NEVER RAINS on this shelf!!!!!!!  And it’s always Friday for some reason!

FUZZYWIG: This isn’t going to end well…

RAINY: No, it’s only just begun!!!  I hope you can make your albums scratch and sniff…

FUZZYWIG: Hey, now it’s starting to smell like the 70’s!

SCRATCHY: What a fitting way to say that a album full of Carpenters songs absolutely stinks.

CHIP: (Cough, hack!) Be sure to get your order in while supplies last!

FUZZYWIG: Speaking of “supplies,” it’s 4:20 and this commerical break is over.  Time to forget this retro flashback ever happened…

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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14 Responses to The 70’s Preservation Society

  1. a better voice than yoko… wait we ask google… oh boy, that’s true!!!! love her yesterday once more…

  2. Mr. Fox reflects my feelings about the Carpenters……zzzzzz……I know they were BIG but not in the crowd I was in that’s for sure. Anyway, thanks for the fab info on how to order The Sorta Best of the Carpenters – takes 6-8 years to receive so whoever is handling my estate (haha) will be the lucky recipients of the Crapenters – oops I mean Carpenters – music extravaganza.

    Pam

    • For an extra $99.99, you can order express delivery and get your 14 8-track tapes in only 3-4 years! And absolutely none of the proceeds go to The Carpenters or their agents…. it all goes into the Shelf Critter fund to pay for Mitzi’s next “procedure”…

      • Will Mitzi ever have the procedure to become a Fritzi? I bet he/she would still have a way with a pole. (did I really say that????)

      • Mitzi, being the free loving girl she is, might enjoy the best of both worlds. but I have a feeling Uncle Snuggie would be in for a very rude awakening the next time they hooked up….

  3. Hershey Highway? Mwahahahahhahhaa!! Wait. Isn’t that where Big Scrat (and little scrat because they go together) live? An interesting trip down 70s Flashback Lane. “For All We Know” “It’s Yesterday Once More” in the happy land of Shelf Critters, where the obvious theme song is “Bless The Beasts and the Children.” Although the Shelf Critters DO so have a voice and obviously several choices…

    • Since you’re obviously such a fan of The Carpenters (and SCT, of course), then you should get your order in right away! Make sure to send in those green pieces of paper! Preferably unmarked and non-consecutive…

  4. Kismet says:

    I hope that the 70’s mood doesn’t include an Asian war.

  5. draliman says:

    Ninja vs Zeeba. I’d buy tickets!

  6. A much better voice and appearance with Ms. Carpenter than Yoko. Leave it to the Shelf to see another side of the Carpenter’s muzak.

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