The Psycho Ward

CHIP: This is it!  Sixteen months of correspondence classes from Sally Struthers University, and now I’m a licensed doctor of psychiatry!  And now I have my own practice far way from that nutty Shelf that about drove me crazy the past five years.  This is my first day on the job, and I can’t wait to get to work!

Chip opens the door to his new reality….

Which looks a lot like his old reality….

MARY: Hiya, boss!

CHIP: You look familiar…

MARY: You’ve probably seen a lot of cute faces like mine around the Shelf, handsome!

CHIP: Did you just say “the Shelf?”

MARY: Oops!  Would you look at the time!  I gotta get around to filing my nails… I mean, these folders!  Your first patient should be here shortly!

CHIP: I must be a bit nervous starting this new chapter in my life.  Well, time to check out my new office!

CHIP: Not bad!  I even have that stereotypical reclining couch for my patients to lie on.  This is going to be fun!

CAPER: Hi doc!  Looks like I’m your first patient!  My name’s Caper, and I wanted to talk to you about this feeling I have that I’m always being ignored….

CHIP: Mary, send in the first patient!!!

The door crashes open and the first patient leaps onto the couch…

SNUGGLE: ‘Sup, Doc?

CHIP: Far away from the Shelf, my furry behind!  Sigh, alright Mr. Bear, lie down and tell me what’s eating at your mind…

SNUGGLE: Well, Dude…. you don’t mind if I call you dude, huh Doc?  Anyway, I’m just a happy go lucky kinda bear, going from flower to flower sowing my seed and doing the deed…

CHIP: And what do these flowers think about your deed doing?

SNUGGLE: Oh, they love it!  Especially the tiny flowers that are just budding!  But lately, I’ve had this issue where I keep getting backdoored by a giant gay sabertooth squirrel who always shows up to ruin my fun…

CHIP: A sabertooth squirrel, you say?  They’ve been extinct for about 69 million years.  I’d say the sabertooth squirrel is a figment of your imagination, and is actually your conscience eating at you, trying to tell you how wrong it is to be going around taking advantage of so many women and girls.

SNUGGLE: Dafuq kind of quack are you?  My conscience is just fine with my sexual escapades, and I assure you that sodomizing sciurine is very much real!  I wouldn’t make shit up like that!  You think I’m some kind of sick pervert?

CHIP: If the sausage fits…

SNUGGLE: I’m outta here!  I’mma spend the rest of my hour I paid for giving some “dick-tation” to your secretary out there!  Hasta!

Snuggle suavely slides up to the lobby desk and begins putting the moves on Mary…

SNUGGLE: Hey, baby!  Wanna come back to my place and go through my files on Harry Balczak?

BIG SCRAT: Boy would I!!!  But first, I’ll need a really deep place to store my file on Richard Longfellow…

SNUGGLE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snuggle runs out the door screaming like a little pantywaist.

MARY: Was it my breath?  I was sure I ate a Tic Tac this morning….

CHIP: Mary, bring my my next….. wait a minute!  How did you get in here?

BROTHER BEAR: I really don’t know myself.  It can only be the hand of God!

CHIP: Well, since you’re occupying my couch, you may as well bother me with your burden…

BROTHER: Thanks, doc!  Well, you see, I’m kinda confined to just laying around my whole life because I was born with this manufacturing defect that keeps me from standing up…

CHIP: Nonsense!  I’ll bet your so called manufacturing defect is actually psychosomatic.

BROTHER: Come again?  I never could see the blackboard over my big belly in school to learn big words like that.

CHIP: Your ailment is all in your mind!  Here, let me show you…

BROTHER: Wait!  What are you doing to me….. ohmygosh!!!!

CHIP: There!  See, you can stand just fine!

BROTHER: Well, I’ll be!  It’s a miracle!

CHIP: And all you have to do is never think about your manufacturing defect ever again!

BROTHER: Right!  Never think about….

BROTHER: Crap!  That made me think about it!

CHIP: You’re a hopeless case!

BROTHER: I dink I boke by dose….

CHIP: I’ll call for a tow truck.  Hopefully your insurance will pay for it…

CHIP: I guess it’s a good thing I’m still on the Shelf.  I don’t think this would be possible in a real psychiatrist’s office…

Troll floors the accelerator, dragging the mentally defective bear behind him…

BROTHER: Oh dear!  This really chafes!

CHIP: That’s all in your mind too!!!

CHIP: Now, back to business…

CAPER: Is it my turn yet?  I really need to discuss this problem about how I constantly feel ignored…

SHADOW: Greetings, critter!

CHIP: That’s Doctor Critter to you, Mr. Long Ears.  Do you have an appointment?

SHADOW: An appointment?  In an office of psychiatry?  I hardly need any help with my mind…

CHIP: That’s what everyone thinks.  Why don’t you lie down and tell me about your past…

SHADOW: Hmmmmm…… very well.

SHADOW: (In the middle of a ten minute monologue about himself) …and then I graduated from Universe University with a doctorate in B.S. on the third anniversary of my birth, by which time I had already found a cure for cancer and located the remains of Mr. James Hoffa…

CHIP: That’s more than enough for me to come up with a diagnosis of extreme narcissism.  Your super ego is way too big for your britches…

SHADOW: I am the most intelligent being in this entire multiverse!  And I don’t believe it is out of line for me to brag a bit about my vast accomplishments…

Chip places some blocks in front of the vastly intelligent Umbreon…

CHIP: This is one of the basic tests for intelligence we have for ordinary critters.  Just put these blocks together…

SHADOW: You want a creature of such superior knowledge to perform so simple a task?  You insult me!

CHIP: Do you need a hint to get started?

An irritated Shadow begins to put the blocks together……..

….or at least, he tries.

SHADOW: There!  I told you this was well beneath my abil…

CHIP: A child with an IQ of six could have completed this task.  Have you learned a lesson in humility yet?

SHADOW: I have…. when I invent a black hole generator, this is the first place I’m sucking into a wormhole.  Goodbye!!!

Shadow disappears back into his vastly empty mind…

MARY: Hey Dr. Dreamy!

CHIP: Mary, please keep our interaction professional.

MARY: Flirting is my profession, dearie!  But I’ll have to save my pickup lines for later, because your next patient is here…

MARY: Good luck, Dr. Dreamy!!!!

CHIP: Good morning, ma’am.  Please lie down on the couch…

RAINY: I will NOT lie down for you!  Who do you think I am?  I prefer to stand…

CHIP: Very well, whatever is most comfortable for you…

CHIP: You’re getting footprints on my brand new couch.

RAINY: I don’t care.  I’m here to discuss my frustrations over the weather.  I’ve carried this rain gauge around with me all of my life, and I’ve never, NOT ONCE, got to collect rain in it because it’s always sunny on the Shelf!

CHIP: And this makes you angry!

Rainy’s eyes begin to turn bright red and green mist emanates from under her tail…

CHIP: I see.  And why do you carry that rain gauge with you everywhere?

RAINY: Because it’s a part of me!

CHIP: Your rain gauge seems to be a security blanket that is causing you more pain than comfort…

RAINY: What are you doing!?!?  Give me back my precious rain gauge!!!!!!!!

CHIP: I think it would do your sanity a whole lot of good to go without your self-attached rain gauge for a while.  I’ll just keep it in my office for a few weeks….

RAINY: A few WEEKS!?!?!  You can’t steal my rain gauge from me!!!!  I won’t….

CHIP: Out, out, out OUT!!!!  You’ll thank me for this later…

Chip slams the door on the skunk, who has now been freed from the part of herself that has brought so much misery.

CAPER: Now Doc, come on… I really need to talk about what’s bothering me…

CHIP: I should probably put a cap on this gauge to keep it clean during Rainy’s therapy.  Let’s see if I have a cork…

CHIP: Perfect!

CAPER: If anyone cares, my cheeks are going numb!

CHIP: Now for my next….

CHIP: …patient.  Hey, wake up!!!

FUZZYWIG: Huh?  Oh sorry, I musta really got my mellow on!  I knew a 4:20 appointment wasn’t a good idea…

CHIP: And just how can psychiatry be of service to you?

FUZZYWIG: Psychiatry?  I thought the sign said psychedelic.  I was wondering why there weren’t any blacklight posters of ABBA on the walls…

CHIP: Sir, you’re taking up my valuable time helping other patients, and I must ask you to leave.

FUZZYWIG: Wait!  If you’re a doctor, can you prescribe me some….. well…. the good stuff?

CHIP: There’s some free samples of Prozac in the waiting room…

FUZZYWIG: Nevermind.  I see why only crazy critters would ever come to this office now.  I’m outta here, Sigmund Fraud…

CHIP: Next pat….

Yoooooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHIP: Oh dear, I didn’t really pay attention to the lessons on nymphomania…

MITZI: Mitzi, like, totally isn’t the patient!  Unless you want to, like, stick your tongue depressor in Mitzi’s little mouf!

CHIP: (Placing his notebook over his growing tongue depressor) No thank you.  So what brings you to my office?

MITZI: Mitzi, like, totally needs some psycho therapy for her baby Mitzi!!!!!!

ZEEBA: Wazzup, Doc!?!?  Where’s your scalpel so I can cut a bitch and watch them BLEED!!!!!!!!

CHIP: I hope there’s a straitjacket in your size in the closet.  If not, I’m gonna need some duct tape…

ZEEBA: Fuck this!  I’m gonna go tear some shit up!!!!!!!

CHIP: Hey!  You’re ruining my nice new couch!!!

MITZI: Mitzi’s baby is, like, just a wee bit out of control.

CHIP: Well, she certainly has some deep seated anger issues.  Hold on, let me get you a pillow to take your frustrations out on instead!

CAPER: You’ve got to be shitting me!

CHIP: There, you can unleash your uncontrollable rage on this pillow rather than destroy my office.

ZEEBA: You better BLEED, pillow!!!

ZEEBA: Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood!

CHIP: That should keep her occupied for a while… wait, what’s going on here?

Chip runs to the window overlooking his 69th floor office…

CHIP: Hey you on the ledge!  Hold it!  Don’t jump!

BUSTER: Huh?  Oh, don’t worry, sir.

CHIP: But you’ll fall to your death out there!

BUSTER: That’s OK, I die in every episode anyway!  It would feel weird if I didn’t jump!

Chip joins Buster on the ledge to intervene…

CHIP: I know your world must be a dark place being the recipient of death as often as you are…. but that doesn’t mean you have to accept death as a fate!  Think of your family…

BUSTER: Ma got hit by a Greyhound bus this morning.  And Pa’s the special on the buffet at Hung Lo’s for happy hour.

CHIP: Our will to live is strong… even yours Buster.  Don’t do this.  Tear up the script that says you have to die.  Life, Buster, is our most valuable blessing!

Buster looks down over the street 69 stories below….

BUSTER: You’re right, Doc!  I do want to live!  I want to be able to tell people I made it through an episode of SCT in one piece!  I’m coming back ins….

Just as Buster moves for the window, Chip grabs Buster’s back and shoves him off the building…

CHIP: Well, how about that?  The High Place Phenomenon is a real thing after all!  I learned something today…

CHIP: Mr. President?  Are you my next patient?

UNCLE SAM: Son, I’m here to prove once and for all to the public that I’m NOT insane.  You’ll do good to confirm that if you don’t want to end up in a Bumfuckistan labor camp…

CHIP: Well, um… lie down and tell me your story… what I don’t already know from the news.

Uncle Sam proceeds to pontificate and bloviate on how he was destined to return greatness to the Shelf.

CHIP: Sir, your diagnosis is an easy one.  You have a very clear Napoleon complex.

SAM: I told you not to say I was insan….. no wait, Napoleon?  One of the greatest leaders in history.  Yes, I think I’m here to continue his good work!

CHIP: Uh huh… and there’s only one way to treat a leader who thinks they’re Napoleon…

CHIP: Here’s two one-way tickets to Elba I won in a sweepstakes I didn’t enter a few years ago.

SAM: You think this vacation will help ease the persecution I feel?

CHIP: I’m pretty sure this permanent vacation will ease the persecution a lot of us feel.

SAM: I’m packing my Presidential bags!  Now who should I take with me?

CHIP: Actually, sir, I know just who should accompany you to the isle of exile…

ZEEBA: I get to go on a trip?  Fucking sweet!!!

SAM: Are you sure I shouldn’t take my wife…

CHIP: No, I think this is perfect.  Zeeba needs a father figure in her life, and you need your skin thickened up.  Now hurry up before you miss your boat…. bon voyage!!!!!!

Chip shoves the dynamic duo out the door…

MARY: That was the last patient, Dr. Dreamy!  Now maybe I can lie on the couch and let you play a little doctor on me…

CHIP: That won’t be necessary, Mary.  I think I’ve done enough doctoring for my first day, and I really need to go home and relax right now…

The door bursts open…

CHIP: I thought I smelled wet skunk…

MARY: On second thought…. I better get back home so I can put my wool in curlers for tomorrow.  Buh-bye you two!!!!

CHIP: So…… Ms. Rainy.  Looks like you just went through the car wash.

RAINY: Do you know what happened today, Dr. Chip?  It rained.  For the first time in my life, IT RAINED!!!!!!

CHIP: See!  I told you life would be better if you put away that…..

RAINY: AND I DIDN’T HAVE MY RAIN GAUGE TO COLLECT ANY IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHIP: Yes, but you were able to enjoy the weather for once without…

RAINY: I had my one chance to fill up my rain gauge, and YOU took that away from me!  Well, Dr. Smartypants, I hope this spray therapy fixes your unmitigated gall at ruining other critters lives…

Rainy picks up her still empty rain gauge and stomps off in a huff…

CHIP: Let it all out…. you’ll feel better.

CHIP: Well, this isn’t quite what I was expecting from how a psychiatrist’s office worked on the Bob Newhart Show.

CAPER: So, doc!  Now that your patients are all gone, can we please address my issues with feeling like I’m just part of the scenery?

CHIP: Oh, no!  I’ve been so neglectful!

CAPER: Finally!  I….

CHIP: My poor plant has died!  Skunked to death!  I can’t have my patients tomorrow think their doctor can’t even take care of a simple houseplant!  Where will I get another one this late?

CAPER: Don’t you even…………

Chip turns out the lights and goes home….

CAPER: You’re my little flower, my mom said.  You’re gonna blossom, my mom said.  Here I am fucking blossoming, mom, just like you wanted me to!  No, wait… I only overheard you tell my sister that because EVEN YOU IGNORED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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13 Responses to The Psycho Ward

  1. The more things seem changed, the more they’re just the same. Oh well…there’s always next time, right?

  2. Caper (who is ADORABLE btw), has some serious issues. Maybe she ought to contact Zeeba (who would do the world a favor by shivving ANY politician) for some lessons in confidence, poise and how to grab the world by the balzac (how clever) and make it pay attention to her. Or maybe Caper is merely that imaginary friend some children have, and isn’t really there at all. Ooo. Psychological deepness!

    • Caper’s had a few too many bad run-ins with Zeeba (who will recognize anyone who bleeds). Maybe given what happens to most of the critters who appear in my skits, she’s better off just staying ignored in the background…

  3. we want an appointment!!! this is the best place to be… when you name is not caper ;O)

  4. Well I’d say Chip is as good a psychiatrist as I’ve ever heard about – maybe even better than most. He even handled Uncle Sam appropriately and I believe most of us believe that he did (even without an endless recount of votes).

    Pam

    • It will be even better if there is no Tweeter service on Elba. But getting Uncle Sam to leave, getting Rainy rained on, getting Brother Bear to stand up, and keeping Buster’s death streak alive… I’d say Chip’s more than earned his fees for the day!

  5. Kismet says:

    The solution is easy peasy. What we have here is a failure to fornicate.

  6. draliman says:

    Fun! Pretty much every critter except Caper was in this week’s story!

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