EVIL SQUIRREL: Alright, it’s time for the next…. hey , wait a minute! There’s a pest on the turntable! Go on! Shoo!!!
BRIGHTBIRD: Not a chance, jerkface! You haven’t let me appear in any kind of SCT production in three years! My fans out there probably thought I died of a brain tumor, or something…
EVIL: You DO have a brain tumor, and you should have died already! That’s why I didn’t bother renewing your contract or life insurance policy after 2018. Now beat it, birdbrain!
BRIGHTBIRD: Not happenin’, dude! I’m staying right here until you promise to give me my own starring role in…..
EVIL: Hey, watch it! That’s a very valuable record you just smashed!
SCRATCHY: The Very Best of Pablo Cruise? I doubt it….. let’s get this shit on the road!!!
EVIL: Sponkies! Who’s next?
SPONKIE 1: Ick! Not him!
SPONKIE 2: It’s that creep Uncle Snuggie!
SNUGGLE: Hey, that’s me!!! Here, honey, hold my beer!
RAINY: I am NOT your honey, and get this disgusting swill off of my precious rain gauge!!!
SLIDER: There’s way too many songs about jailbait… “You’re Sixteen,” “Seventeen,” maybe even Marie from Memphis, Tennessee who was only six years old…
LUNA: My money’s on a Gary Puckett and The Union Gap song.
CAPER: Even the local pedo doesn’t want any part of this young girl. (Lifts her skirt as the ursine creep just scoots on by)
SNUGGLE: Haters gonna hate! My song’s too awesome for your delicate ears!!!
SNUGGLE: Wazzup, bitches!?!?
EVIL: Sounds like someone wants more scenes with Big Scrat…
SCRATCHY: Big Scrat can find something better to tap than that…
SNUGGLE: So are we gonna play my song or just talk about how sexy Uncle Snuggie is?
EVIL: Just remember, your song was my second least favorite on the list.
SNUGGLE: Like you have any fucking taste in music!
SCRATCHY: That’s the first factual statement you’ve ever made.
SNUGGLE: My song’s epic! I’mma make it rain in this joint….
Evil and Scratchy duck for cover….
EVIL: I expect you to clean this mess up before you leave.
SNUGGLE: Shit, the girls will be all over this stuff in a few minutes!
SCRATCHY: It’s a good thing I locked my niece Tina in her room before I left the stable. (Pulls Snuggle’s chosen record out of the sleeve) Oh, fuck…. I should have known…
In 1971, the classic film Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory needed a theme song, so Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley penned a sweet little song titled “The Candy Man.” Aubrey Woods, who played the candy store owner in the film, provided the vocals. However, Woods’ version of the song apparently lacked “commerciality” needed to make it into a radio hit… which perturbed co-writer Newley who was certain the song could not only be a hit, but maybe win an Oscar, and was shot down at every opportunity to get the song redone to be more commercially appealing…
“The Candy Man” was just begging for someone to turn it into the next big earworm. Enter Rat Packer Sammy Davis, Jr. The year after the film hit theaters, Davis recorded a version of the song and wound up with his only #1 pop hit…
This is the version of “The Candy Man” that pretty much everyone knows and either loves or loathes. Although Sammy Davis, Jr. himself apparently put himself in that latter group, his version was so popular that it made him relevant to a whole new generation of music fans, and Candy Man even became one of Davis’ nicknames.
The Shelf Critter gang never runs out of fucked up candy. I’ll have another treat for with out #28 song next Monday…