Dear Crabby

VAL: Oh boy, my own advice stand!  Just what I always fucking wanted.  Offering unsolicited advice to all the idiots out there and getting paid for it.  This bitch face is going to be anything but resting…

Val’s first customer drops a fiver in her cup…

TROLL: So I need to know…

VAL: Dafuq is that?  I don’t take funny money, pal!

TROLL: It’s a food stamp, OK?  I’m kinda broke right now since I’m unemployed again, and I was wondering if you had some job advice for me?

VAL: Try the cancer research lab down the street.  I’m sure their rats could use a new nest…

TROLL: Hey, that’s a great idea!  I might even be able to score some free ciggies!  Thanks a lot!

VAL: Get lost, loser!

Exit Troll, enter…

MARY: Hiya!

VAL: (Leaning over the counter) Oh sweet Jesus on a cross-kabob… is preschool out already?

MARY: I hope you have the time to help out a cute little lamby down on her luck.

VAL: I doubt you get enough allowance from mommy and daddy to pay my fee.

MARY: I want to become as popular as Mitzi, and was wondering if you had any tips…

VAL: Come back when you reach puberty, pixie!

MARY: But I’m, like, THIS MANY years old now (Mary somehow holds up 20 fingers)

VAL: Look here you little primped up wannabe sexpot princess, you want some advice from Aunt Val?  Here you go then… grow the fuck up!  Ditch the makeup, the sultry eyes and that godawful perm you stole from the 80’s, and try making something out of your life other than being some walking penis’ wet dream!  Ya got that toots?

MARY: (Wetting her wool) You don’t have to be so MEAN!

VAL: Yes, apparently I do to get through that emoji filled millennial skull of yours.  Now are you going to pay my five bucks, or are you….

Mary runs off crying…

VAL: Got stiffed again!  And that’s why I can’t have nice things…

HANK FOX: Howdy, ma’am!

VAL: Go away!  I’m allergic to rednecks, and I know you trailer trash don’t have any money…

CLETUS RACCOON: I reckon yer wrong there, ma’am!

Cletus flips a cow chip covered Lincoln out of his overalls and drops it in the cup.

JIM BOB SQUIRREL: Now we’s wantin’ to know if it’s a good time to plant tomaters or not!

VAL: There’s three of you, and my fee is PER CRITTER.  I wanna see ten more dollars in that cup before I even consider being your agricultural specialist.

HANK: Well, shoot!

CLETUS: I reckon we don’t have ten more dollars.

VAL: Then scram before my horn decides to make it rain locusts!

JIM BOB: We do gots this year’s harvest!

CLETUS: Yep!  I reckon these nuts is worth about a tenner at the market!

VAL: Take your disgusting nuts and get your bib overalled asses back to the farm before I give all of your livestock a venereal disease!!!

HANK: Yikes, we better git then!

CLETUS: Yep, I reckon my pee already burns enough!


CAPER: You can stop ignoring me, I know you’re just dying to verbally assault someone right now…

VAL: (Gritting her teeth) You know I could kill your ass right now and there wouldn’t even be a murder to investigate…

CAPER: (Leaps up on the stand) Lookie!  I’ve got five dollars!

VAL: Well, it can’t be from prostitution since your ass is so ugly and there are no blind critters here.  You must have stolen it from the nimrods on this Shelf who are brainwashed into ignoring you.

CAPER: Holy shit!  You actually have a brain floating around inside your piss and vinegar head!  You might even be smarter than Uncle Shadow!

VAL: Bitch, I don’t know what your game is, but….

CAPER: Nothing!  Five dollars was totally worth it to be recognized by someone around here!  Don’t spend it all in one place, although I’m sure stick from ass removal procedures costs more than that….

VAL: Get the fuck out of here before I horn laser your roly poly sack of skunkshit to a crisp!

VAL: I thought I just sent you away… no wait, the little skunk Weeble didn’t have any age lines on her face…

RAINY: You must do a real brisk business insulting your customers like that.

VAL: Read the sign… “The customer is always a jackoff.”

RAINY: I was going to spend five dollars to get your outlook on the weather, but…

VAL: Oh, you still want it to rain, don’t you?  You know they make lubricants if you have that much trouble getting wet…

RAINY: Excuse me!?!?!?

VAL: I don’t have time to listen to you bitch and moan about blahblahblah days of no rain on the blahblahblah motherfucking Shelf.  Shoulda packed your umbrella instead of your blahblahbah precious rain gauge, skunkbitch!

RAINY: AAAAAAAAA!!!!  What are you doing!?!?

VAL: I had to dump this nasty ass cup of Starfucks coffee from breakfast somewhere.  It’s illegal to pollute the sewers with this toxic shit…

RAINY: This is NOT rain!!!

VAL: And you’re NOT needed any longer.  Deposit your five bucks and GTFO!

SNUGGLE: Hey sugar!  What’s shakin’?

VAL: The trigger finger on my horn of death, that’s what’s shakin’!

SNUGGLE: You know if there’s any chicks in the vicinity ready to put out for a horny teddy?

VAL: Sorry, but even disgusting preverts like you have to pay five bucks for my wisdom.

SNUGGLE: Damn, all I got’s this twenty I won betting on possum fighting!

VAL: Put it in the damn cup already!

SNUGGLE: There!  Now, about those chicks….

VAL: Sorry, your time’s up.  Have a nice day, creepshow!

SNUGGLE: Dafuq kind of a scam is this?  I’m gonna call Ralph Nader!

VAL: Go away!

SNUGGLE: You haven’t even given me my change, bitch!

VAL: Sorry, this advice table doesn’t make change.  Perhaps you can spend the rest of your balance on my partner…


BIG SCRAT: Whaddady say, pal?  Your balance is enough to afford my service!

SNUGGLE: Man, fuck all of you!  I’m gonna go find my own chicks!

VAL: I better alert the authorities to lock down the grade school…

VAL: Here’s some free advice, pothead…. stay sober!

FUZZYWIG: Dude, I haven’t had a drink since I was in the Navy!  Or was it at that Village People concert?  My memory’s a bit hazy…

VAL: If you haven’t spent all your welfare check on cut rate grass yet, drop a five in the container or get the fuck back to Yasgur’s farm…

FUZZYWIG: Would you take $4.20?  Look, I’m trying to sell my mutt and the Chinese buffet’s been shut down again, so you know anyone who needs a….


FUZZYWIG: How the hell did you find me?

VAL: Are you serious?  They can smell your reefer stinking ass back in Jamaica.

FUZZYWIG: So, any takers?

VAL: I’ll buy him for fifty bucks.

FUZZYWIG: SOLD! (Extends his grubby paw) Could I have that in non-consecutive fives please?

VAL: I’ll buy your mangy hound if YOU give me fifty dollars!

FUZZYWIG: That’s not how it works, dear…. nevermind.  Come on, mutt!  Maybe McDonald’s will give me a Big Mac for you at least…


CHIP: Hello.

VAL: Goodbye.

CHIP: I was wanting some life advice, but my sad story’s a bit long…

VAL: Ten bucks if you’re gonna bore me to death, or take a fucking hike!

CHIP: OK, I understand.

Chip puts $10 in the cup and proceeds to drone on about his problems….

CHIP: So let’s start with what happened at my first birthday party….

CHIP: ….and then when I was ten years old…..

VAL: Is this dude fucking serious?  I ain’t got time to listen to the shiny ass details of his pathetic life.  Good thing it’s time my bathroom break.  Cover for me, will ya?

the longest thirty minutes of everyone’s life pass…

CHIP: ….and so that’s how I wound up in the Shelf Critter Theatre gang, and I was hoping you knew a way for me to get out of here.  Well, what do you think?

MR. FOX: …………………………………

CHIP: OK then.  I’m not sure that advice was worth ten dollars, but at least I got some weight off my chest.  Goodbye!

Potty break’s over…

RAINBOW DONKEY: Good afternoon.  I was hoping you could…

VAL: Five bucks, clown hair!  I don’t do charity work here…

RD: Fine…

RD: Shouldn’t I get a discount since my licensed image appears on your mug?

VAL: You goddamn rainbow unicorns are all over the place!  Sorry, oil puddle, but you’re public domain now… I don’t owe you shit!

RD: So, it’s about my wife.  Any way I can get away from her?

VAL: For fuck’s sake, Roy G. Biv, there’s fifty fucking ways to leave your lover!  The problem is, you don’t want to get away from Sparklecunt.

RD: She’s such a nag to me….

VAL: And you fucking love it, you masochist!  Have some self respect and acknowledge your submissive fetish.  You need to be punished…


RD: OW!  That was mean!

VAL: Oh, don’t pretend you didn’t like it!  I see your fifth leg growing.




Val continues to whip Rainbow Donkey until he finally runs off….. to an unoccupied stall in the public restroom….

VAL: I thought you religious nuts had your own authority to pay for advice from…

RICKY: I’m not here for your lousy advice.  I’m here to save your soul!

VAL: Do you need me to wipe my ass with your stack of Watchtower pamphlets?

RICKY: You not only defame and defile every critter who seeks out your unholy service, but you have all this money that could be better used to feed homeless critters.

VAL: How about we feed the homeless critters to to each other if they’re so damned hungry.  Then I can keep the jack and buy myself some bitchin’ new bling for my cup!

RICKY: (Getting out his pocket King Elvis version of The Bible) Maybe you need a lesson on the Ten Commandments….

VAL: Maybe you need a lesson on the four horsemen of the Apocalypse…

Val wiggles her glowing horn, and….

RICKY: God, why hath thou forsaken me?

VAL: Nah, I’ll bet He’s getting a big kick out of watching this from His cloud…

VAL: Now that’s what I call a rapture.  Eat your heart out, Fab Five Freddy…

BUSTER: Hello, I…

VAL: Hey, watch it dipshit!!!!

VAL: Stupid fucking possum.  I’ll bet he did that on purpose.  Well, I did give him advice, even if he didn’t listen to it, so I’m pretty sure I’m legally entitled to all of the money in his wallet….

Val empties Buster’s most recent six-figure life insurance settlement into her cup, and the blood and possum carcass magically cleans itself up….


VAL: I knew it… the mating call of the lobotomized.

MITZI: Mitzi, like, totally needs some advice on what she should get done for her next cosmetic procedure!

VAL: Might I recommend Dr. Guillotine?

MITZI: Come on, Mitzi, like, can totally pay for your cervixes!

MITZI: Mitzi only has onesies from dancing down at the club, but they’re still totally legal tinder!

VAL: Why don’t you take your airheaded silicone shell of a slutty hobag and get as far away from me as possible before I lose any more IQ points from your aura.

MITZI: You’re, like, such a MEANIE!!!!!!!!!

VAL: No, I’m just surrounded by a gang of complete idiots, that’s all.  I’m the victim here…

MITZI: Mitzi’s, like, totally got some advice for YOU!  And Mitzi’s advice is always, like, 500 percent free!

VAL: I sure as hell don’t need any guidance from some whore that makes Barbie look like a motherfucking PhD….

VAL: (Spitting and gagging) Alright, bimbo bitch!!!  For that uncalled for stunt, I’m going to….

MITZI: Like John Lemon said, all you need is WUV!!!!  And you obviously needs WOTS and WOTS of WUV!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mitzi leaps behind the counter and tackles Val to the ground…. cup and all.

What happened behind the counter will stay behind the counter……

Closing time…

SLIDER: An advice table set up in the middle of the Shelf?  Do you have a permit for this?

VAL: Sorry, sir, but I don’t.

SLIDER: Then you’re in violation of Ordinance 69.69 of the business code.

VAL: I had no idea I was in violation of the law, sir.  Please have mercy on me.

SLIDER: Well, I guess if I seize your profits, then you no longer have a business and are in the clear!  (Seizes the cup full of jack)  This should go a long way towards our Labor Day party down at Shelf Hall!

VAL: Thank you, sir, and please have a nice day!

MITZI: (Poking her head up) Like, what did that guy totally want advice for?

VAL: Nevermind, I’ve gotten out of the advice business.  Get back to doing what you were doing before I turn into a nasty bitch again!

MITZI: Like, TOTALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!  (Licking her puffed up lips) Time for Mitzi to go on another magic carpet ride!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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8 Responses to Dear Crabby

  1. Well now, this episode of the Theater had a perfect amount of the “holy trinity” – sex, blood, and money. So Val and Mitzi are now a “coupling couple” ????? EEEEK.


  2. Uh-hmmm…I’m speechless. Sex, drugs…only thing missing was Rock-N-Roll.

  3. draliman says:

    Val’s my kind of unicorn. I bet Mr Fox would make an ideal therapist. If he stares silently at someone long enough, they’ll do all the talking and ultimately solve their own problems…

  4. “Val” needs some unicorn Midol with a chaser of valium and/or Xanax. The girl needs to chill out! Personally I think Caper and Mary (although I admit there are some issues they got) are too cute to be gored and bullied by Val. I’m glad Mitzi set her straight (bwahahahha) *koff koff koff* Or whatever that is koff koff* No judgment here of course! 😉

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