EVIL SQUIRREL: You know, Scratchy, I think we should use this time to show the audience out there just what we’re using as a prop for the record on your turntable.
SCRATCHY: Dude! You’ll ruin the magic!
ES: Well, just call me Valentino then….
ES: It’s a collectors coin featuring baseball legend Babe Ruth!
SCRATCHY: Made out of the finest recycled aluminum, no doubt.
ES: Don’t be jealous of this 24 karat sterling silver masterpiece, Scratchy!
SCRATCHY: Add in three easy payments of $19.99 and you’ll have a bad Home Shopping Network segment… just put the damn “record” down already!
SCRATCHY: Now what kind of “music” do you think everyone’s going to expect a Babe Ruth coin to play?
ES drops the needle on the “record”….
♪ ♫ We are the sultans….
We are the sultans of swing! ♪ ♫
ES: Doo doo do! Da doo doo do! DA DO!
SCRATCHY: Oh, so this isn’t just a part of your shitty coin collection, it’s also a part of your shitty music collection.
ES: If you don’t like Dire Straits, there’s no hope for you! Sponkies, we need a new request for the tone deaf deejay here!
SPONKIE 2: The next Shelf critter request goes to Chip!
SCRATCHY: Sigh…. this is gonna cost me 15 Cool Points at the club.
KAWAII CACTUS: YAY! That’s you!
CHIP: Well, I can see where I rate in this production if they gave me a completely irrelevant prop to be my cheerleader.
CACTUS: Don’t make me cutely stick you in the buns!
FUZZYWIG: Lovely, Muzak by Chip. I’ll be too drowzy by 4:20 to get my mellow on…
RICKY: If this request has anything more than a harp and an organ, it’s the devil’s music!
CLETUS: I reckon you wouldn’t play “Freebird,” wouldja?
CHIP: (Turning to the coon trio) What is this, the trash panda version of Three Dog Night?
FUZZYWIG: Hey, I find that epithet to be offensive!
RICKY: I find it to be blasphemous!
CLETUS: I reckon I don’t even know what a panda is…
ES: Thanks for participating in my countdown, Chip!
CHIP: Don’t act like you didn’t threaten us being deported to Goodwill if we didn’t play along. What are you so nervous about, Miss Deejay?
SCRATCHY: My production equipment is very valuable, and I don’t like having a wet blanket so close to it!
CHIP: You’ll rethink your generalization of my personality when you see what excellent song I picked.
SCRATCHY: (Pulling Chip’s request from the envelope) Dude, this song’s the literal definition of a wet blanket!!!
While there were more famous hitmakers in the 80’s than the San Francisco sextet known as Huey Lewis and the News, there weren’t many that were more prodigious at putting music on the pop charts. They had ten Top 10 US hits in the 80’s, including three #1’s. So it was only fitting that the group who defined mainstream pop in the mid 80’s would eventually write a song about how cool it is to just fit in with the crowd, their 1986 #3 hit “Hip To Be Square”…
If you listen closely, you might hear then-NFL stars Joe Montana and Ronnie Lott singing backing vocals, a decade before George Seifert made football playing backup vocalists cool.
What’s ironic about my choice of this song for the straight laced Chip is that apparently Huey wasn’t actually trying to make this an anthem for squares. It was written about how the hippies of the counterculture 60’s eventually got with the program in the 70’s to become actually productive members of society. Kind of like how Huey Lewis started out in avant garde acts in the 70’s, backing for artists like Elvis Costello and Thin Lizzy, before breaking out as stars in the following decade by just churning out clean cut, ear pleasing music.
Come back next Monday for a critter and a song that won’t just fall into line…