HUNG LO: What’s meaning of this? Someone snuck into kitchen and devoured all of Hung Lo’s special wonton sauce for big Dragon Ball Festival this weekend! Hung Lo will find culprit guilty of this crime and sit on them!
SLIDER: I’m Officer Slider with the Shelf Police Force. I’d have gotten here quicker, but the service at the donut shop was slower than usual.
HUNG LO: Need to find critter who ate all of Hung Lo’s special sauce!
SLIDER: Culinary theft, huh? Well, that’s right up my alley since I also serve as the Shelf’s health inspector!
HUNG LO: Rats!
SLIDER: There better not be any rats in your sauce…. but it would help my investigation if you’d tell me what your secret recipe is.
HUNG LO: Errrrrr….. ancient Chinese secret. But special sauce have certain “effect” on critters who eat it. Hung Lo will know perp when he sees them!
SLIDER: OK then, I guess we can protect your trade secret for now. Most crimes are committed by someone the victim knows, so we should start with your restaurant staff…
SLIDER: Well, this looks suspicious. What is your server doing?
TROLL: I’m recycling the unused ketchup off the dirty dishes and putting it back in the packets.
HUNG LO: Yes, practice gets us big tax write-off for being environmentally sustainable business!
TROLL: Dammit! (Kicks his leg up and uses it to furiously itch his side)
HUNG LO: Hmmmmm…. scratching fleas is sign of eating Hung Lo’s secret sauce! You have confession to make before Hung Lo gives you pink slip?
TROLL: Sorry sir, but I’ve (itch itch) always had fleas.
SLIDER: That’s slightly unsanitary for a food service worker.
TROLL: It can’t be helped, sir. The boss (itch itch) only pays me 69 cents an hour, and the cook always (itch itch) rolls me for my tips at the end of the night… so I have to sleep in the alley.
SLIDER: Seems innocent to me. Maybe we should talk to this cook…
SNUGGLE: Yo chief! I found a new dish to add to the seafood menu! Just gotta cut off her head first…
MERMAID: Glub! Glub! HELP ME! Glub! Glub!
SLIDER: We were actually wanting to know if you knew anything about who might have eaten all the secret sauce.
SNUGGLE: Not me, dude! It tastes like snot in a bedpan! But…
SLURP! SLURP! SLURP!
SLIDER: Are you alright?
HUNG LO: Cook is licking his gonads! Sure sign he ate my secret sauce!!!
SNUGGLE: Dude! If you could reach over your fat belly to lick your own balls, you’d do it too!
BIG SCRAT: I could always use the services of an expert ball licker!
SNUGGLE: Hey, get out of the kitchen! You don’t even have a hairnet on!
BIG SCRAT: Don’t worry, I do have another form of protection I can put on…
SLIDER: I’ll have to make a note of these lewd acts being performed in your kitchen for my next surprise inspection.
HUNG LO: I want this squirrel arrested! Humping everything is side effect of Hung Lo’s secret sauce!
SNUGGLE: Yes! Arrest this creep, please!!!
BIG SCRAT: I’m always in a humpy mood around my favorite teddy bear! C’mon, Snuggie Wuggie, let’s take our love to the VIP lounge…
SLIDER: I don’t think our investigation is getting anywhere in your restaurant. We better hit the streets…
SLIDER: Do vagrants like this usually congregate outside your establishment?
FUZZYWIG: Only at 4:20.
SLIDER: Hey, is that MARIHUANA? Give me that!!!
FUZZYWIG: Hey, get your own good stuff, dude!
SLIDER: I should arrest you for possession right now!
FUZZYWIG: Lovely, you’re a narc. I really need my mellow today, and I’m not ashamed to do what it takes to get my precious weed back…
FUZZYWIG: Please, sir! Please give me my good stuff back! At least a sniff or two?
HUNG LO: This critter is begging! He ate all my special sauce!
FUZZYWIG: No way, dude! The munchies haven’t even kicked in yet…
SLIDER: Oh, alright… since you look so pathetic begging like that, you can have your cannabis back. But don’t let me catch you toking on my beat again, you hear?
Fuzzywig grabs his pouch of good stuff and runs….. er…. moseys on back to his crib.
HUNG LO: Was sure we had right suspect this time!
SLIDER: I’m beginning to get a tad suspicious about this sauce’s effects you say it has on critters. They all seem to be things you’d associate with a d….
HUNG LO: Officer!!!! There’s thief!!!!
SLIDER: What? How can you tell?
HUNG LO: Look at tail wagging! Definitely ate Hung Lo’s secret sauce!
SLIDER: Um, sir… could we ask you why your tail is wagging?
SHADOW: Is that bothering you? Certain appendages on my body can act a bit peculiar when I get that strange sensation inside my Pokeballs.
SLIDER: Ohhhhhkay. And that would be because….?
SHADOW: Please let me be! I’m conducting a very important video conference with a top scientist in the field of applied astrophysics and must concentrate…
MITZI: Like, hai there Umby Wumby!
SHADOW: Get off of me at once you deranged heifer!
MITZI: Can Mitzi, like, totally see who you’re Facepalming with?
SLIDER: That’s one hell of an astrophysicist….
VOICE FROM PHONE: Shadow? Who’s that pink haired slut you got draped around you? Don’t even bother calling me back… we’re THROUGH!!! (Click!)
SHADOW: No wait…. please! I still have five minutes I prepaid for!!!!!
MITZI: Like, no biggies! Mitzi’s totally your type, cutie wooty!
HUNG LO: Wait one minute! Pink haired slut has dog ears and tail! Definitely ate secret sauce!
MITZI: Like, Mitzi gets her secret sauce straight from the tube! Mitzi’s also Cosbyplaying as a sex-ay puppy! Mitzi’s doggy ears and tail are totally not real….
Mitzi yanks her tail out of…… um……
Slider and Hung Lo both vomit a bit in their mouths…
MITZI: Come on, Umby Wumby! Let’s so back to the park so you can totally take Mitzi for walkies!
SHADOW: (Being dragged away by the ears) A little help please…..
SLIDER: They told me I’d see some disturbing things in police work, but they didn’t prepare me for this…. sigh, let’s press onward.
SLIDER: Well, did you eat up all of this man’s secret sauce? What do you have to say for yourself?
MR. FOX: ……………………
SLIDER: Oh, gonna invoke your right to remain silent, huh? I have ways to make you talk!
MR. FOX: …………………………..
SLIDER: I’ll ask you just one more time……
MR. FOX: ………………………………..
SLIDER: Oh……. alright. I believe you’re innocent. You can go now.
HUNG LO: Why you didn’t question fox more thoroughly?
SLIDER: I didn’t have the heart to. He was giving me the puppy dog eyes…
HUNG LO: Puppy dog eyes!?!? That’s sign of….
ZEEBA: Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood!
SLIDER: Someone get this anklebiter off of me right now!!!!!!!!!
BEARCAT: (Smacking her sister with a rolled up newspaper) Bad Zeeba! Bad!!!!
ZEEBA: Bite! Bite! Bite! Bite! Bite! Bite! Bite! Bite! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!!!!!
Bearcat leashes up the vicious little zebra…
BEARCAT: Sorry about that, folks. Don’t worry, she’s had most of her shots.
HUNG LO: Little girl’s behavior very odd… has she been eating Hung Lo’s special sauce?
BEARCAT: Zeeba only eats food that bleeds, and besides, she’s not allowed to eat after midnight, right Sis?
BEARCAT: Let’s go home, sis, and this time I’ll remember to activate the invisible fencing.
SLIDER: I’m getting too old for this shit…
ZAC: Hiya! Howdy! Hello! Is it me you’re looking for? Of course it is! Zac in da house! Whoomp there it is!
SLIDER: You seem awfully happy… that makes you very suspicious.
ZAC: Happy happy! Zac’s always happy! Happy as a clam on the lam with a yam! Yeppers, so so happy! Just took all my happy pills! All eighty-four of them! Happy as can be, yessiree!!!
HUNG LO: Officer! He just whizzed on fire hydrant! That….
SLIDER: Let me guess…. a sign he must have eaten your secret sauce. This case is starting to come together for me now…
ZAC: I’m so happy I wet myself sometimes! Most times! Everytime! Pee pee pee pee pee!!!! Draining the lizard! Crossing the streams! Serving the lemonade!
The street sweeper comes by at that moment to push away both Zac and the soiled hydrant…
SLIDER: You know, we’re just about running out of suspects here who suspiciously act like d….
HUNG LO: No, that just coincidence! Dog…. um…. certain animal has nothing to do with side effects.
BUSTER: Hello gentlemen! How’s the day going for you?
SLIDER: Do you have any odd dog-like symptoms to report?
BUSTER: Can’t say that I do…. is this a new bug that’s going around?
HUNG LO: Playing dead. Totally guilty!
SLIDER: Only if that secret sauce is actually poison… this critter has no pulse!
HUNG LO: Sigh! Hung Lo tired of trying to round up suspect. Might as well just make new batch with slightly different ingredients…
HUNG LO: (Dragging Buster’s carcass away) Thank you for help, officer. Be sure to stop by for discount on Hung Lo’s Almost All You Can Eat buffet during crappy hour next Tuesday.
SLIDER: Well, that was a waste of time I could have better spent harassing speeders.
BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! EXCUSE ME! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
SLIDER: I’m going to have to consult the municipal code to see if cannibalism is actually a crime on the Shelf…
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! TIMOTHY! WHERE ON EARTH DID YOU GO? BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!