EVIL SQUIRREL: Can you believe we’re halfway through the Shelf Critter countdown already?
SCRATCHY: Like anyone’s keeping track of this shit.
ES: 15 songs down, 15 more to go!
SCRATCHY: What are you, some nerd? Should I get you a new pocket protector for Pi Day in March?
ES: Come on, I find milestone moments like this to be somewhat exciting!
SCRATCHY: I should take you with me down to the club one night and show you what exciting is.
ES: I’d actually love that!
SCRATCHY: Only you don’t have any clothes suitable for clubbing…
ES: Nonsense! Check this out!
ES: I’ve got a neon pink polo shirt I can accentuate this with!
SCRATCHY: If you ever set foot in the club I deejay at, I’mma make sure the bouncers chuck you into the trash compactor. Sponkies! Help a sister out here before ES’s bling gives me skin cancer…
SPONKIE 2: The first request of the second half…
SCRATCHY: Cut that halfway shit out!
SPONKIE 1: Number fifteen is BUSTER!!!!!!!!
BUSTER: YAY!! It’s my turn!!! I’ve got a song I’ve just been DYING to play….
NINJA ON A SKATEBOARD: Hey, come back here!!! I wasn’t finished removing your spinal cord!!!
BUSTER: Oh boy! I’m so happy…
SCRATCHY: STOP! Right there…. (pointing to the floor) stand on that faded out sticker that says to keep six feet back!
BUSTER: Um…. OK.
SCRATCHY: Sorry, but I don’t want to end up as collateral damage to your next demise. If it’s a semi truck or a meteor, I should be a safe distance away.
BUSTER: Hey, where’s Evil Squirrel?
SCRATCHY: He had run to the shitter as soon as your name got called. Coincidence, I’m sure…
BUSTER: Awww, I was really hoping to greet our wonderful creator since I never seem to be on stage with him…. oh, there he is!!!!!
BUSTER: (Extending paw) Mr. Squirrel, it’s a pleasure and an honor to finally meet you!
ES: (Shaking paws) It’s good to see you don’t hold a grudge from all of those senseless deaths I….
ES: …… put you through. That was unfortunate.
SCRATCHY: How many times have I told you to wash those damned paws after using the bathroom? You’re gonna get someone sick!
SCRATCHY: So, can we just skip over Buster’s song and get to something worth listening to?
ES: No! We must honor the dead! And more importantly, protect the integrity of the halfway mark and play #15!
SCRATCHY: I fucking hate you….
No musical act quite went out on top like the British trio known as The Police did in the forty years ago. The band released five albums during its short run together in the late 70’s and early 80’s, transitioning from trendsetting indie act to commercial superstars with each effort becoming more and more successful. That final album, 1983’s Synchronicity, gave the band four hits including that one song even the most casual of music fans still know…
Despite being kind of the lost hit of Synchronicity today, the song “King of Pain” was actually their second biggest hit in the US, peaking at #3 (It helped being the follow-up to “Every Breath You Take”). And if it weren’t for “Synchronicity II,” which I absolutely love, it would easily be my favorite song from Sting’s old band…
If you’re a music video junkie like I am, you may be wondering “Hey! There wasn’t a video for ‘King of Pain!'” It was the only one of the four Synchronicity hits to not have an MTV video, likely contributing to its swift exit from our minds. That video you just watched was thrown together and released only in Australia for their popular TV music show “Countdown,” which was essential for getting songs on the charts in that country. It didn’t quite work, as Australia was the only major English speaking market where this song fizzled…
And of course, the other major reason “King of Pain” didn’t completely fade from our memories was the fact that Sting’s heart wrenching song about the painful feelings he had after breaking up with his first wife was turned into an ode to the cheesy clothier by the legendary Weird Al Yankovic in “King of Suede”…
Come back next Monday as I throw you another crust of bread to choke on from the Shelf critters!