HEDDY: Since you all somehow left me off the request countdown…
EVIL SQUIRREL: Heddy, you’re not even a part of the SCT cast!
SCRATCHY: You’re nothing but an overzealous fangirl most of us have restraining orders against.
HEDDY: My idols adore me! Anywho, I’ve been keeping track of every single request so far, and I’m having a blast trying to figure out who’s gonna be number one! Maybe it’ll be Fuzzywig…. oh, I’ve got some good stuff he’d like! Or perhaps Mr. Fox…. the strong silent type! Swoon!!! Oh, it could be Shadow!!! Mmmmmm, how I’d love to be the one to give him an uncomfortable feeling inside his Pokeballs!
SCRATCHY: Would you vacate my studio, you annoying bitch? I don’t need nerdball groupies like you hanging around…
HEDDY: Aw Scratch, can I call you Scratch?
HEDDY: And here I was going to delete this photo I got of you last Saturday night!
SCRATCHY: DAFUQ!?!?!? Where did you get that!?!?!?!?
HEDDY: Guess now I’ll just put it on the front page of the next Shelf Critter Fan Club newsletter! (Blows a kiss) Love yas!
Heddy grabs her autograph book and smartphone and diddy bops away…
SCRATCHY: That fucking stalker!!! You can’t let her publish that photo of me, Squirrel!!! What are you going to do about this!?!?
ES: I’ll….. um….. make sure I confiscate all copies of the next SCT fan club newsletter!
SCRATCHY: I’ll bet you will, perv…. how much did she have to bribe the bouncer to even get in Madame Pinkie’s Gentlecritter’s Club anyway!?!?
ES: Now that I have that uncomfortable feeling, we should hurry up with the next request! You’re up, Sponkies!
SPONKIE 2: Lucky #13 in the countdown is….
SPONKIE 1: Those squirrel kids!
SQUIRREL MOM: Is this where I make my request?
ES: Ma’am, I’m afraid you misunderstood. It’s your kids who get to make the request.
SQUIRREL MOM: I’m afraid that won’t be possible.
SCRATCHY: Should I alert John Walsh?
SQUIRREL MOM: You see, my children misbehaved again…. so I had to lock them in the basement.
ES: Mrs. Squirrel, really, don’t you think that’s a cruel way to treat your children?
SQUIRREL MOM: Easy to say for one without hell spawn.
SCRATCHY: Kids can be jerks, but they’re not as bad as you treat yours!
SQUIRREL MOM: Oh dear, I knew that triple steel forged lock wasn’t strong enough.
ES: You’re just in time, kids, you get to make a request in the countdown!
SQUIRREL CHILD 1: YAY!!!!!!
CHILD 2: This is awesome!
CHILD 3: Even better than a snow day!
CHILD 4: Or giving my little brother a wedgie!
LITTLEST: I’m telling Mommy!!!!
ES: Hey, wait!
CHILD 2: This record thingie is so COOL!!!
CHILD 3: Watch me spin around!
SCRATCHY: Get off of my equipment you little asswipes!!!
CHILD 1: Wow lady, I really like your high heeled horseshoes!
LITTLEST: (Jumping up and down on ES’s head) You’re even more fun than Daddy!
CHILD 4: That’s ‘cuz Uncle Snuggie says Daddy’s kitty whipped, or something like that.
SQUIRREL MOM: Have fun with my little darlings. I’m going to lock myself in the house and binge watch Real Housewives of Tittybong…
SCRATCHY: Fuck this! I’m getting my spiked belt for these bastards….
I’m not a big fan of the term “one hit wonder” mainly because of how grossly overused it gets… getting slapped on acts who put out a lot of great music that we just happened to conveniently forget about. Nobody is a better example of how cheap the phrase has become than 80’s British pop diva Kim Wilde, whom I’ve seen on numerous lists of 80’s one hit wonders….. only they can’t seem to decide which of her two songs that were popular in the US is actually that ONE HIT.
I featured one of those hits during my cover song countdown in 2015, “You Keep Me Hanging On,” which made it to #1. Now it’s time for The Nest to present Kim’s other hit she was known for back in the early 80’s…
“Kids In America” didn’t actually fare all that well on the charts, only making it to #25, a spot it held for four weeks straight (that’s not easy with songs moving all around you!) before belly flopping back into obscurity. But when the decade of the 80’s first became retro cool again around the turn of the millennium, this was one of the songs that stood out as representing that weird but wonderful synth driven new wave era. I may hate kids, but I love “Kids in America!”
More Shelf Critter request madness coming next Monday….