EVIL SQUIRREL: EEEEEEK! A spider!
SPIDER: Relax critter, I mean no harm. I just wanted to meet DJ Scratchy!
SCRATCHY: Hey, I’m popular and shit!
SPIDER: I used to be a deejay too back in the 90’s!
SCRATCHY: Lemme guess, your idol was Spinderella?
SPIDER: You know it, honey! I was the hottest thing going on the club scene spinning eight turntables at the same time!
ES: So why did you quit?
SPIDER: The exterminator showed up one day to spray the kitchen and I figured I better scram. Arachnid lives don’t matter…
SCRATCHY: Why don’t you do the honors this week, L’il Spin?
SPIDER: Sure! Sponkies, who’s got the next request?
SPONKIE 1: The number twelve song in the Shelf Critter Request countdown was chosen by…
SPONKIE 2: Big Scrat!!!
BIG SCRAT: Hooray! I made the Top 12!
ES: You just stay on that side of the turntable, you hear me!
BIG SCRAT: Sure thing, chief! But I can’t help but get excited to get to play my…
The Hamster Dance begins playing from Big Scrat’s back pocket…
BIG SCRAT: Excuse me, I need to check this!
SCRATCHY: Is that…..!?!?!?
BIG SCRAT: Aw, it’s a dick pic from my Snuggie Wuggie Teddy Bear!
ES: I always thought he enjoyed those intimate scenes more than he let on.
BIG SCRAT: Or it could be that my number’s just one away from Tina’s. But I like to think he’s trying to get me horny!
SCRATCHY: (Pulling Big Scrat’s song from the envelope) Dude! You do realize this song is about chicks, don’t you?
BIG SCRAT: Sorry, I didn’t hear you… I’m busy texting back a photo of my anaconda!
Trivia time! What do the first three rap songs to ever top the US pop charts all have in common?
Yes, they were all performed by white artists! Deborah Harry’s epic rap in 1981’s “Rapture,” Vanilla Ice’s travesty in 1990, and Mark Wahlberg’s Funky Bunch with “Good Vibrations” in 1991.
1992 marked the year that black rappers took their beloved hip hop back, but it still took a heavy dose of novelty to make that happen. The first #1 rap hit by black artists came from the thoroughly (lame) child novelty act Kris Kross. And that was quickly followed up by one of the most popular novelty songs of my generation…
On the Fourth of July in 1992, a Seattle rapper by the stage name Sir Mix-A-Lot penned one of the most epic odes to the female booty that will ever exist. The song was immediately popular and has never really fallen out of the American public’s love in the three decades that have transpired. Sir Mix-A-Lot captured the black male’s obsession with large asses while at the same time dissing the long standing norm of wafer thin equaling female beauty.
Obviously, the song was not without its share of controversy. While not explicit, it made very clear and direct references to big butts and what Mr. Mix-A-Lot planned to do to those big butts. And the highly judgmental out there had no idea whether to praise the song for breaking down the Weight Watchers barrier of skinny being beautiful, or to condemn the song as yet another blatant objectification of women. First world problems, you know…
Big Scrat likes big butts and he can not lie. We’ll see what another critter likes next Monday…