All Time Sandy Awards – Questions!

It figures! The Joker was making all these ridiculous searches!

As part of The Nest’s 10th anniversary celebration, we’re dedicating the next eleven Tuesdays to one of my very favorite features to write for this blog, The Sandy Awards!  I presented these awards at the end of every year since 2012 for the best, funniest and most fucked up search terms to get caught up in the filter WordPress maintains in my stats page.  Unfortunately, as search engines began encrypting more and more of the terms that led people to my blog, it was inevitable that a point would finally be reached where I had hardly any material at all to work with… and that moment came midway through 2020.

Since I had nothing to do a 2021 Sandy Awards show with, I borrowed an idea I’d already planned to do anyway when this blog turned ten, and that’s an all-time Sandys list!  I divvied all of the previous Sandy entries into my nine classic categories (plus a miscellaneous for terms that didn’t fit anywhere), and will present one category each week until the final post on March 22nd announcing each category’s winner, as well as THE best search term EVER on my blog.  You won’t want to miss that!

Better put on your best tuxedo T-shirt and stilettos.

Every bolded term you see in this series is an actual set of search terms that was typed in by someone somewhere in the world during the last ten years, and that search led them to The Nest!

And now on to Part One of my 10th anniversary Sandy Awards!  As always, I’ll start with the category that led off every Sandy Awards show since its inception…

The Nest has apparently answered a lot of your internet questions over the past ten years!  I don’t quite know how, but here’s some of the things we’re apparently experts on….

what are the sandy awards? – Seriously!?!?  Were you not listening to my introduction speech?

what does it mean when someone yells squirrel? – You better duck, and FAST!!!

is soloflex still in business? – They should be.  People still enjoy paying hundreds of dollars for exercise equipment they’ll never use.

At least a few calories will be burned on laundry day.

is the rice a roni commercial evil? – No, but this is evil…

From the glue trap to your dinner plate!

are red squirrels evil? – No, and we no longer make them eat from separate feeders either.

is there such a thing as squirrel nip? – Squirrels can’t possibly act any crazier under the influence…

what are you doing this for? – Because…

how much money did hands across america raise? – Not enough to feed Sally Struthers on her next Ethiopian excursion…

Ah, the good old days before Purell!

does dr pepper make you stink? – I guess if you dumped it on your head…

what happens when one disturbs a squirrels nest? – You can ask the last person who tried, once he wakes up from his coma…

Proud defender of the nest!

is it alright to take a squirrel nest out of a tree in lakewood oh? – See above.

is it humane to kill a mangy squirrel? – Sure.  I mean, we euthanize people who are going bald, right?

And that’s just the way it is, BABY!

how did they save money in the 90’s? – By not wasting money on the latest smartphones…

do they have sex in the cool world? – Would it be a cool world if they didn’t?

can sundae be pronounced as sunduh? – You bet your icebox it can!

You can have a sun-DUH on Sun-DAY in the Midwest.

why are cheetos bad for squirrels? – Do you want to have to clean little orange paw prints off your tree?

is the squirrel in the geico commercial trained? – No self respecting squirrel has to be trained how to run out in front of traffic…

Why you won’t find possums on Abbey Road.

why is labor day evil? – Because it literally means “working day” and nobody fucking works that day!

Almost nobody…

who did the brim coffee commercials? – Coffee snobs back in the days before Starbucks.

what coffee brand commercial said full till the brim?

Figured it out yet, Captain Oblivious?

what is the term for when you only survey one profession? – Professional discrimination

did snuggle commercials give kids nightmares? – Of course not!  Creepy teddy bears that lurk in your laundry room are just a figment of the imagination…

It’s time to add the dryer sheets….. BITCH!

what do male possum genitals look like? – You don’t want to know…

is it dangerous for rehabbed squirrels to build a nest out of plastic bags? – I wasn’t aware there were squirrels with a drug problem.

Too much squirrel nip, man!!!

is the word squirrels to be capitalized? – Squirrels may have a god complex, but I still say no.

did the jokers wild game show have a whammy character?

Do I look like some red hyperactive little hobgoblin?

can you swear on your greeting on a answer machine? – Absolutely!  Let ‘er rip!  Those spam risk callers won’t know what hit ’em…

Wow, who knew Grampa knew such salty language?

how has the clapper light switch changed our lives? – By making us all just a little more fucking lazy…

did we lose a couple of minutes during this year’s daylight saving time change? – Yeah, all the time it took to set all of our fucking clocks back!

squirrel doubles the amount of nuts during the day and eats 2 nuts during the evening, by nightfall of the 3rd day there were 34 nuts in the lair, how many nuts were in the original found treasure?

if a squirrel was an angel what would his name be? – I don’t know…. Ralph?

how do i get the smell of squirrel out of my car? – Hang one of those little pine trees on your rearview mirror.  And stop giving Uber lifts to squirrels…

what is the best thing to post on a girl facebook? – Probably not a dick pic.

who buys fanklin mint civil war chess sets? – People who love spending large sums of money on things they’ll never be able to use.

Wait, you want your little girl to PLAY with these valuable collectors items? Are you nuts or something!?!?

what makes selsun blue tingle? – They must have discovered the secret ingredient in Herbal Essences.

Your hair may be clean, but now you’ll have to douche again…

who are the flying squirrelendas? – The most amazing circus act in the world!

Now appearing daily in your backyard!

if this is the first solar eclipse since 1979 what the hell did i see in 1994? – Probably Forrest Gump.

And these guys. They were so 1994…

does florida have a night squirrel? – Even squirrels don’t want to miss out on that amazing Miami nightlife…

1 800 collect can you find it in your heart? – Nope, only in the part of your brain that remembers the days of collect calls.

And…. whatever these things were called.

who is responsible for building a drey for squirrells? – All property owners are responsible for ensuring their squatters have adequate housing…

Fuck this! You should build me a mansion!

were photo huts a real thing?

Get off of my lawn, Millennial!

Well, weren’t those some rather…. um… special questions?  But none of them won the Sandy Award for this category!  We’ll find out what our best interrogative search was on March 22nd, but until then, tune in next Tuesday for the next exciting category in my All Time Sandys presentation!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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22 Responses to All Time Sandy Awards – Questions!

  1. ummm.. we don’t want to know the answer to the question we all want to know? hahaha really?

  2. With questions like that, we must be doomed as a species. 🤯

  3. Bifurcated hmmm? Another thing I’ll never be able to erase from my mind’s trivia dump…

  4. OK – I surrender – now I want to go check my stats on WordPress for SEARCH TERMS used…..I’ll let you know if I find anything that’s anywhere near as screwy as yours are!

    Pam

    • Good luck. You’ll have to go way back and check the archives, because even I’ve only had a few trickle in over the past six months or so. There’s a way to bring up your all time list, and I’ll bet it reveals some hilarity!

  5. ghostmmnc says:

    All these are so funny! The evil rice/mice a roni got me giggling! haha 🙂

  6. Kismet says:

    In Arizona, we are squirrel free. No trees, just cactus with thorns. Paradise or since Las Vegas is close, pair of dice.

  7. OMG! Mice a Roni? 😀 And those evil red squirrels … Yikes!

  8. Trisha says:

    These always crack me up! “Are red squirrels evil?” Lol What would make anyone think that?

  9. These are awesome. Just goes to show that the human brain is a confusing place. I don’t get the crazy stuff anymore. My algorithm are humorless and just plain f___ed up these days. Anyway, this was fun. More fun please. God knows we all need a steady diet of squirrel humor.

    • I wish I got ANY stuff anymore, but Google, being the champion of privacy (LOL), doesn’t want us bloggers to know what people are searching. I can only imagine some of the great humor I’d have to work with if this were still the pre-encryption days…

  10. draliman says:

    I want to search for “does that cereal have real field mice in it” but it would only bring me back here…

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