SQUIRREL CHILDREN: Uncle Hung! Uncle Hung!!!!
HUNG LO: Sorry, Hung Lo’s buffet not offer kid’s menu. Maybe kids ON menu…
SQUIRREL CHILD 1: We’re BORED!!!
CHILD 2: Tell us a Chinese story Uncle Hung!
CHILD 3; Yeah! About dragons and ninjas!
CHILD 4: And sweatshops!
LITTLEST: And don’t leave out the good shit!
HUNG LO: Sigh, if I tell you about zodiac, will you go away?
The Squirrel Children jump up and down like the little hellions they are and gather around their Uncle Hung…
CHILD 1: The Chinese zodiac is so much fun!
CHILD 2: Yeah! Tigers and Rabbits and Pigs!
CHILD 3: Oh my!
HUNG LO: Now now… that zodiac not interesting. Like man who go through airport turnstile straight not going to Bangkok.
CHILD 4: Don’t weasel out on us now, Uncle Hung!
LITTLEST: You do and I’m telling Mommy!
HUNG LO: Hung Lo tell you about Shelfese Zodiac instead.
CHILD 2: You’re making that up!
HUNG LO: No, person who typed up this script making it up. Now, for first critter of Shelfese Zodiac we have…
HUNG LO: Year of the Raccoon!
FUZZYWIG: ‘Sup, kiddies?
HUNG LO: Those born in Year of Raccoon go through life with mellow attitude, smell like Jamaican flophouse, and can spread rabies through biting.
FUZZYWIG: Knock it off, Wang, I only bite during foreplay. The Year of the Raccoon is also the best time to plant cannabis, which can be made into…
CHILD 3: MARIHUANA!
FUZZYWIG: Ehhh, I’ve already smoked all of that and it’s out of season now. But thanks to the miracle of modern medicine…
FUZZYWIG: Liquid weed!
CHILDREN 1-4: COOL!!!!
LITTLEST: Does this come in Kool Aid?
FUZZYWIG: Nah, you gotta rub it on wherever it hurts. Like, I usually hurt all over…. and pretty soon….
CHILD 1: The pain goes away?
FUZZYWIG: No, you’re so stoned you kinda forget all about your pain. You can keep the bottle, it’s almost empty anyway.
CHILD 1: I wish I was born in the Year of the Raccoon!
CHILD 2: Mommy said you were born in a Burger King bathroom.
HUNG LO: Next critter in Shelfese Zodiac is….
HUNG LO: Year of the Bear!
SNUGGLE: Hey there kiddies, it’s your Uncle Snugg….. hey, wait a minute! You said there was gonna be a lot of little girls at this party! I’m not Gary Glitter, dude!
HUNG LO: Those born in Year of Bear are outspoken, tend to ignore societal norms, and are generally just assholes.
SNUGGLE: Damn, even you’re trying to hit on my with all that flattery! I know I’m fucking sexy, but I prefer critters with more than just one hole, man!
CHILD 4: Did you bring us a present?
CHILD 3: Yeah, the stoned raccoon did!
SNUGGLE: Bitch please! I brought along my bag of candy thinking this was gonna be a Girl Scouts meeting, but…… oh, fuck it!
CHILD 2: Hey, there’s five of us!
SNUGGLE: Dude, sharing is caring! I’m a distant relative of Grumpy Bear!
CHILD 1: Littlest is gonna tell Mommy!
LITTLEST: No, I’m gonna tell Chris Hansen!
SNUGGLE: Fuck you kids! I’m getting out of here before someone declares it to be the Year of the Sabertooth Assraper! Adios!
CHILD 3: Well, at least we have a piece of candy!
Hung Lo takes the candy from the babies and dumps it in his fish tank, where it proceeds to kill all of his poisonous blowfish and the algae eating mermaid.
HUNG LO: Never trust candy from critter born in Year of Bear. Next we have…
HUNG LO: Year of the Skunk!
CHILD 1: I got a BAD feeling about this…
HUNG LO: Those born in Year of Skunk tend to bear anger and resentment, are unhappy about world around them, and usually act like they’re… how you say it…. on the rag.
RAINY: I’ll have you know that it also NEVER rains in the Year of the Skunk! Or any other year for that matter on this godforsaken Shelf!
CHILD 1: We don’t care about rain!
CHILD 4: We just want presents!
RAINY: Oh, so you little brats want something from me? Fine, here’s a gift that will stay with you until the Year of the Flying Car…
Rainy stomps away as the kids choke and gag on their gift while Hung Lo summons Troll to wave a huge paper fan back and forth…
TROLL: Will there be anything else, sir? Table #69 is still waiting for the dragon ball surprise they ordered last Wednesday.
HUNG LO: Stick around so I can tell kids about the Year of the Troll!
CHILD 2: You’re definitely making this up!!!
TROLL: No, whoever wrote the script made it up because my contract says I have to portray all menial labor in SCT.
HUNG LO: Those born in Year of Troll tend to be of lowest class, are dumber than box of rocks, and usually dress funny.
TROLL: Hey, you’re the one who makes all the waitstaff wear this uniform! Speaking of which, I’m tired of this hairnet cramping my luscious locks! Here kids, (tosses them his hairy, lice infested hairnet) your gift from the Year of the Troll!
TROLL: Now I need to check the food in the wok…
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! I TASTE LIKE PAM! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
HUNG LO: How convenient…. kids, next is Year of the Dog!
CHILD 4: You’re cooking that poor mutt alive!
HUNG LO: Those born in Year of Dog tend to be loyal companions, fierce protectors, and are infested with fleas.
TROLL: Don’t forget how good the Year of the Dog tastes!
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! DOGGY SUSHI! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
TROLL: Pipe down, mutt! We don’t want the customers to think you’re undercooked…
Troll leaves with the Pup Pup Platter for Table 69…
CHILD 2: Are you sure you’re on the level with us on this Shelfese Zodiac?
HUNG LO: Would giant golden fat Buddha statue lie to you? For next critter in zodiac, we have…
HUNG LO: Year of the Possum!
BUSTER: Hey kids! Wanna go play with me out in the street?
HUNG LO: Those born in year of possum tend to……
CHILD 1: Tend to what?
CHILD 2: Come on, spill!
Speaking of spill….
HUNG LO: Tend to not live long, so nobody knows what qualities those born in Year of Possum have.
ZEEBA: BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! Those born in the Year of the Possum BLEED!!!!
HUNG LO: And just in time for Year of the Zeeba! Those born in Year of Zeeba…
ZEEBA: Shut up, Fatty! Those born in the Year of the Zeeba are AWESOME! And FIERCE! And love to spill BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!
The squirrel kids gulp in unison…
ZEEBA: And we’re also CUTE AS FUCK! Here, have this possum’s spleen as a token of my mercy towards you! Next time it might be your NUTS!!!! NUTS! NUTS! NUTS! NUTS! NUTS! NUTS! NUTS! NUTS! NUTS! NUTS! NUTS! NUTS! NUTS!
CHILD 1: This is getting pretty fucked up, Uncle Hung!
HUNG LO: You asked for story, you get Shelf Critter Theatre story! If you think Year of Zeeba is scary, just wait until you hear about….
HUNG LO: Year of the Politician!
UNCLE SAM: Hello, my fellow Shelficans!
CHILD 3: He’s not a critter!
CHILD 4: That’s a human!
LITTLEST: I dunno, when Mommy watches the news, she always calls him a jackass.
HUNG LO: Those born in Year of Jack… I mean, Politician tend to be dishonest, evil, greedy…
SAM: Don’t listen to the Fake Zodiac, citizens! Those of us lucky enough to be born in the Year of the Politician are great men who are leaders of critters, with the Dog given right to dictate laws and justice….
CHILD 1: Do you have a gift for us or not?
SAM: I’m the politician, I’m supposed to be receiving the gifts! Let me consult the treasury…
SAM: (Slaps Littlest off his chest) Paws off that, son! That’s taxpayer money that I worked hard to fleece from the masses! That’s gonna go towards my new kickass casino I’m putting in the Lincoln Bedroom! The next time the president of Shelf Korea comes by on a state visit, I’m gonna win his whole damned shithole country at the craps table!
Sam drags his treasury full of trillions of dollars in pennies back to the Oval Office…
CHILD 1: I can’t wait until I’m old enough to vote!
CHILD 2: Yeah, I wanna push all those buttons!
LITTLEST: And get STICKERS!!!
HUNG LO: I believe it’s now time for Hung Lo’s favorite year….
HUNG LO: Year of the Bimbocorn!
MITZI: Like, howdy doody Hungy Wungy!
HUNG LO: Those born in Year of Bimbocorn tend to be outgoing, loving personalities… with big heart and big….
MITZI: OMGOMGOMG!!! You widdow kiddies are so totally kyoooooot!
LITTLEST: You got a gift for us, Aunt Mitzi?
CHILD 3: The only gift she has for us is COOTIES!!!
CHILD 2: I’ve got this strange sensation inside my…
MITZI: Mitzi would, like, totally give you all a very special gift that would make you feel all totally tingly in your Pokeyballs… but that might be, like, totally inappropriate since you’re all still in grade school. So Mitzi will totally give you these free passes to the strip club instead! Like, TTYL!!!
HUNG LO: You kids gonna be OK?
CHILD 1: Yeah. We just might need to use the restroom for a bit…
CHILD 4: One at a time!
HUNG LO: Don’t go yet, or you’ll miss story about…
HUNG LO: Year of the Fox! Go ahead and tell children about your traits.
MR. FOX: …………………………………………………
The boys retreat to the bathroom one by one to take care of “business” while Mr. Fox goes into a long winded account of the qualities of those born in the Year of the Fox…
MR. FOX: ………………………………………………………………..
MR. FOX: ……………………………………………………….
One eternity and five bathroom trips later…..
HUNG LO: So, what do you boys think of Year of Fox?
CHILD 1: I’m sure it was interesting…
CHILD 3; If we were paying attention…
HUNG LO: And that’s the Shelfese Zodiac, children. Now get out of my kitchen before I sick the rats on you!
CHILD 2: Wait a minute!
CHILD 3: That was only eleven critters!
CHILD 4: I counted them on Littlest fingers and toes!
LITTLEST: Don’t hold out on us or I’m telling Mommy!
SHADOW: Greeting critters!
CHILD 1: The Year of the Umbreon?
CHILD 2: Now you’re definitely making this shit up!
SHADOW: No, the script writer made this up so we could work in a plug from our sponsor! Gentlemen, the 12th critter of the ancient Shelfese zodiac!
LITTLEST: Dafuq is that?
SHADOW: That, my friends, is for YOU to figure out!
Inspirationally dramatic music begins playing….
SHADOW: Ladies and gentlemen out there in Blogland, please do not forget to play this year’s Contest of Whatever! Where you will have the fun task of deciding just what this little pink creature is! We’re all curious to know what type of personality and quirks you think….
SHADOW: Hey, what’s the meaning of this!?!? Don’t eat my advertising sign!!! Stop this at once!!!!!
CHILD 3: Why is that thing eating paper?
CHILD 4: It’s probably the most appetizing thing in this whole Chinese buffet!
SHADOW: Wonderful. Now how will I annoy people by advertising the Contest of Whatever for the next three weeks?
LITTLEST: (Pets the pink thing) Good boy!
A miffed Shadow and his weird looking mystery companion beam themselves out…
CHILD 4: That was fun Uncle Hung!
CHILD 3: Now tell us another story!
HUNG LO: Please don’t make me get hatchet… none of you have enough meat on bones…
SQUIRREL MOM: What’s going on here?
CHILD 1: It’s the Year of the Squirrel!
LITTLEST: That’s Mommy!
CHILD 2: It’s the Year of the Mommy!
SQUIRREL MOM: What did I tell you kids about talking to strangers?
CHILD 3: But Mom!
SQUIRREL MOM: And you! How dare you try to harm my kids you weirdo stranger!!!
HUNG LO: Now I get hatchet….
SQUIRREL MOM: If I ever see you around my precious offspring again, I’ll see to it you spend the rest of your life tossing salads in prison! Come to me, boys!
SQUIRREL MOM: The nerve of some people thinking they can abuse my children!
SQUIRREL MOM: (Getting out her whip) I’m more than capable of doing that myself!
CHILD 4: OUCH!!!
SQUIRREL MOM: There’s more where this came from waiting for you at home, you incorrigible little punks! I’ll be tanning your hides until the Shelfese Zodiac repeats itself!