EVIL SQUIRREL: So Scratchy, are you ready for the big countdown finale celebration?
SCRATCHY: You should be more concerned with that sparkly butterfly attacking your neck.
ES: This is my super snazzy bowtie!
SCRATCHY: If that thing starts spinning, I’m kicking you in the nuts!
ES: Well, at least I dressed up for the big occasion!
SCRATCHY: Don’t worry, I made sure to put on my diamond encrusted thong.
ES: Your…. what?
SCRATCHY: I could make your day by flashing it to you, but it’d be so much easier to just have Snuggle Perv email you the creepshots he’s been taking of me all night…
ES: Snuggle!!!
SNUGGLE: Damn, I never get caught like this down at the kiddie pool! Oh well (Snap!) a little whale tail for the road!
ES: Alright, enough nonsense! We need to reveal the shelf critter with the #1 request!
SCRATCHY: I can’t wait to see who this is…. all of the big names are already off the board.
SPONKIE 2: Can we get a drum roll please, Aunt Hottie?
SPONKIE 1: The number one spot in the Shelf Critter Request countdown goes to……
BOTH SPONKIES: VAL!
SCRATCHY: Val!?!? You gave the top spot to that insufferable crabby cun….
VAL: Look who’s yapping, you blue haired little slutpuppy!
VAL: You’ve been acting like a righteous, raging primadonna heifer this whole countdown. Whatsa matter, did the bad squirrel take away your little shitty vinyl archive show so we can’t listen to your awful ass bargain bin cassette tapes anymore?
SCRATCHY: Why don’t you un-ass your fat rump from that cup and come say that to my face, you old crone! Of course, to do that you’d have to un-impale yourself from that ten foot long stick that’s jammed up your backside!
VAL: Jealous because you have to settle for two inch possum sticks from those filthy bums who throw dollar bills at you on the corner?
SCRATCHY: Why you fucking….
ES: Ladies, ladies, PLEASE!!!! Let’s not ruin the mood of the big bash tonight!
VAL: Yeah, let’s not ruin your fantasy that anybody out there actually reads this hot garbage you spend hours making up while playing with your dollies. It’s good to see your Mommy made sure your bowtie was on straight before she let you out of the house…
ES: Now just a minute here!!! I don’t take….
VAL: You don’t take what? Shit from “your” critters? This blue haired hussy’s been pussywhipping you this entire series, and my whip’s made out of thorns, dude. You only boss that pansy ass Troll around like a tyrant because he has a bigger vagina than both of us combined!
SCRATCHY: You go girl!
VAL: Now how about playing my goddamned song that you made number one in your pathetic attempt to win my favor even though I couldn’t have given a shit less if you’d have pitched it in the dumpster with all those used napkins of yours!
ES: (Fighting back tears) Mommy!!!!
Elton John should need absolutely no introduction from me, nor should his 1974 song with the five letter word that stood commercial radio on its ear…
Elton’s music from his glory years ran the gamut from schmaltzy ballads to all out rockers, and “The Bitch Is Back” definitely falls on the rocker end of that spectrum. This song’s one of the more popular guilty pleasures out there made to shock the delicate censors who thought saying the word “bitch” made you a pottymouth.
Bitch, please…
Many self-described bitches have snatched this one up as their personal theme song, and you’re probably wondering just who inspired it in the first place? Well, the bitch in question is none other than Elton himself. Bernie Taupin’s wife would often complain that “the bitch is back” when ol’ Reg would throw one of his hissy fits. So Taupin wrote the song, and Elton was conceited enough to admit it described him well.
And perfect as well for my crabby unicorn in a cup.
And that wraps up the Shelf Critter Request countdown! I hope you enjoyed the variety inspired by my critters, and there will surely be another countdown coming up in the near future. Until then, I’m giving Mondays back to DJ Scratchy and her Dusty Vinyl Archive. Tune in next week!
No more playing shit records!
Evil Squirrel's Nest 
how good to bring up such a long forgotten gem… that’s the song you can play for many occasions… and for many people ;I))))
Some people might even find it flattering…
Elton was at the top of his game with this one…..hadn’t heard that tune in YEARS. I’m going to guess that particular five letter word is heard often in Elton’s household…..LOL
Pam
Quite possibly…
I remember when that song was released. My parents were mortified by the swearing (although I’d heard “bitch” often enough from my mother, who swore like a drunken sailor) that they tried to keep me from listening to it. Yeah, like that worked! 🙄 And who would have though the song was about ol’ Elton himself? Far as I can tell he’s neither Jamaican nor 6 foot 3 inches tall. But what do I know? Great choice all the same..
I remember being introduced to all those songs with the word “bitch” in them from the 70’s when I started listening to that decade’s rock in the 90’s. It was weird, because the 80’s was more obsessed with working sex into songs than it was cussing… it kind of floored me at the time to know they got away with such foul language back then!
I don’t really like the song. I enjoyed Val telling it how it is, though. Even though she made ES cry 😦
Wow, I’m pleasantly surprised! I mean…. disappointed! You know how hard I strive to choose only songs that you approve of. ES is tough. He’ll just straighten up his dress and get over Val’s hurtful words…
Fun choice. But after seeing the title I was hoping it would be “Son Of A Bitch”
by Nathaniel Rateliff. Oh well. This was wonderful fun. Can’t wait to see what your next musical list is. And I’m working on my thing for the Contest of Whatever!!!!!
I have it on good authority that my next countdown will likely revolve around your musical twin brother. But that will probably be a bit in the future yet….
I’ll be4 a son of a sponky.
Hee, hee…we used to play this song whenever my ex-SIL entered the room during family get-togethers. 😈
So many fun ways to incorporate this song into life…
I’ve been away from The Nest for too long. I was thinking “who is Val?” And then realized the Unicorn I was seeing wasn`t Mitzi. Perfect song for Val. She’s a sassy one!
I bought Val on clearance the day after Valentines Day three years ago, and her surly look immediately inspired an SCT episode! I haven’t used her much since then, but given that they were both made for VD, it would explain the resemblance of that old crone Val to the sweet and innocent Mitzi!