EVIL SQUIRREL: So Scratchy, are you ready for the big countdown finale celebration?
SCRATCHY: You should be more concerned with that sparkly butterfly attacking your neck.
ES: This is my super snazzy bowtie!
SCRATCHY: If that thing starts spinning, I’m kicking you in the nuts!
ES: Well, at least I dressed up for the big occasion!
SCRATCHY: Don’t worry, I made sure to put on my diamond encrusted thong.
ES: Your…. what?
SCRATCHY: I could make your day by flashing it to you, but it’d be so much easier to just have Snuggle Perv email you the creepshots he’s been taking of me all night…
SNUGGLE: Damn, I never get caught like this down at the kiddie pool! Oh well (Snap!) a little whale tail for the road!
ES: Alright, enough nonsense! We need to reveal the shelf critter with the #1 request!
SCRATCHY: I can’t wait to see who this is…. all of the big names are already off the board.
SPONKIE 2: Can we get a drum roll please, Aunt Hottie?
SPONKIE 1: The number one spot in the Shelf Critter Request countdown goes to……
BOTH SPONKIES: VAL!
SCRATCHY: Val!?!? You gave the top spot to that insufferable crabby cun….
VAL: Look who’s yapping, you blue haired little slutpuppy!
VAL: You’ve been acting like a righteous, raging primadonna heifer this whole countdown. Whatsa matter, did the bad squirrel take away your little shitty vinyl archive show so we can’t listen to your awful ass bargain bin cassette tapes anymore?
SCRATCHY: Why don’t you un-ass your fat rump from that cup and come say that to my face, you old crone! Of course, to do that you’d have to un-impale yourself from that ten foot long stick that’s jammed up your backside!
VAL: Jealous because you have to settle for two inch possum sticks from those filthy bums who throw dollar bills at you on the corner?
SCRATCHY: Why you fucking….
ES: Ladies, ladies, PLEASE!!!! Let’s not ruin the mood of the big bash tonight!
VAL: Yeah, let’s not ruin your fantasy that anybody out there actually reads this hot garbage you spend hours making up while playing with your dollies. It’s good to see your Mommy made sure your bowtie was on straight before she let you out of the house…
ES: Now just a minute here!!! I don’t take….
VAL: You don’t take what? Shit from “your” critters? This blue haired hussy’s been pussywhipping you this entire series, and my whip’s made out of thorns, dude. You only boss that pansy ass Troll around like a tyrant because he has a bigger vagina than both of us combined!
SCRATCHY: You go girl!
VAL: Now how about playing my goddamned song that you made number one in your pathetic attempt to win my favor even though I couldn’t have given a shit less if you’d have pitched it in the dumpster with all those used napkins of yours!
ES: (Fighting back tears) Mommy!!!!
Elton John should need absolutely no introduction from me, nor should his 1974 song with the five letter word that stood commercial radio on its ear…
Elton’s music from his glory years ran the gamut from schmaltzy ballads to all out rockers, and “The Bitch Is Back” definitely falls on the rocker end of that spectrum. This song’s one of the more popular guilty pleasures out there made to shock the delicate censors who thought saying the word “bitch” made you a pottymouth.
Many self-described bitches have snatched this one up as their personal theme song, and you’re probably wondering just who inspired it in the first place? Well, the bitch in question is none other than Elton himself. Bernie Taupin’s wife would often complain that “the bitch is back” when ol’ Reg would throw one of his hissy fits. So Taupin wrote the song, and Elton was conceited enough to admit it described him well.
And that wraps up the Shelf Critter Request countdown! I hope you enjoyed the variety inspired by my critters, and there will surely be another countdown coming up in the near future. Until then, I’m giving Mondays back to DJ Scratchy and her Dusty Vinyl Archive. Tune in next week!