The Judges Speak

MITZI: Like, it must be time to totally be Judge Judy again!

SNUGGLE: Wait a minute!  Where’s the Coke bottle with the pubic hair on it!?!?  Where’s my bottle of hooch!?!?  This looks like some fruity shit Big Scrat would drink!

FUZZYWIG: ES decided to retire that photo because it was five years old and didn’t get my best side…

SNUGGLE: You don’t even have a best side!  I know meth heads who don’t have faces that ugly!

FUZZYWIG: That’s beside the point.  And anyway, this new photo gives us the chance to introduce our special guest for this year’s judging segment!


SNUGGLE: Damn!  And here I always thought those weird kids in special ed were sent to coal mines when they grew up!

FUZZYWIG: This is the critter who was the subject of this year’s Contest of Whatever, and ES thought it would be fun and mean to get his reaction to the contest entries made about him.  What do you think about that, buddy ol’ pal?

FUZZYWIG: Dude, the contest is over now.  You’re not under Shadow’s gag order anymore.  Say a few words, man!

PINK CRITTER: Oh, okey dokie then!  Man, I don’t know how Mr. Fox can stay silent like that for so long…

SNUGGLE: I think I saw Zeeba chewing on his vocal cords once….. or maybe it was Buster’s spleen.

MITZI: (SLAP!) Like, don’t talk about Mitzi’s baby grrl like that!  Zeeba’s totally an angel!!!

FUZZYWIG: So what’s your name, anyway?

PINK CRITTER: I’m Bartholomew Ignacius Galifianakis!

SNUGGLE: I’mma call you Biggy!

BIGGY: But you can call me Biggy.

FUZZYWIG: Welcome aboard, Biggie.  Now pull up a seat so we can get this show on the road before 4:20…

FUZZYWIG: So we’re gonna list all of the entries in this year’s contest and give our fair and completely honest assessments of them which Evil Squirrel will completely ignore when making his decision.

MITZI: Mitzi already loves them all!!!  They’ve totally made Mitzi so moisturized!

SNUGGLE: (Sniffing paw) I know!

FUZZYWIG: (Turning to Biggy) Sorry you had to see that, dude, but you’ll get used to shit like that around here…

Below you will find links to all seven submissions for the Ninth Annual Contest of Whatever.  The order each entry is listed in was drawn at random, and will be used Sunday to determine the random drawing winner.  If you haven’t done so already, please check out each of these wonderful entries that were created by bloggers like YOU!

Entry #1: “The Pink Thing” – By Pam

In this poem, Pam dubs our contest guinea pig Oinkymoo and says how lucky he was to end up in the only insane asylum in the world where he’ll actually fit in!

MITZI: Oinkymoo is such a kyooooooot name!  Like, if Mitzi ever has any more inlegitamint babies, Mitzi will totally name one of them Oinkymoo!!!  And Mitzi will even totally pay for her psychiatric care for dealing with the trauma of having the name Oinkymoo!

SNUGGLE: Damn, and here I thought my uncle kept the name Oinkymoo a secret!  That’s what he used to call that wild threesome he had on the farm before he caught both Mad Cow Disease and Swine Flu at the same time and his schlong turned green and fell off!  I think he’s in the Vienna Boys Choir now…

FUZZYWIG: Weirdo crew?  Hey, we’re supposed to be the ones doing the judging, not the players!  My feelings are hurt, and it’s gonna take at least three joints to make them feel better…

BIGGY: Cross eyed?  Wait, I’m cross eyed?  I guess that explains why I only have a 30 degree range of vision and can’t cross the street without a boy scout escort…

Entry #2: “Friend Or Food – Or Both?” – by Mandy

Introducing Moofoo®!  This genetically altered mutation is both sentient pet and delicious sustenance!  Order now and you’ll never be lonely or hungry again!  Somewhere out there, Ron Popeil and Billy Mays are smiling down on this entry…

MITZI: Mitzi can, like, totally be a friend and food at the same time too!  Mitzi’s totally been eaten, like, 69 zillion times, and Mitzi always grows back again!  Well, almost all back again…

SNUGGLE: I can’t wait till this ends up at Mecca!  I’mma go up to the deli bitch wearing five hairnets and say “Gimme some Moofoo, Mofo!” and see how long it takes security to kick my ass out again…

FUZZYWIG: You know, I can remember some toking sessions where once the smoke cleared and we were almost sober again, one of our friends would have a few bites taken out of their flanks.  When you’re high as a kite and the munchies kick in, everyone becomes Moofoo…

BIGGY: You know, I chew my own hoofs and even I don’t think I taste that good.  It might be all the mercury they used to dump in the pond on the farm I was raised on…

Entry #3: “Ferdinand And Petunia” – by Melanie

Ferdinand the lonely and very horny bull spies the apple of his eye in the sow Petunia, who Farmer John plans to breed with his boar Porky.  However, Ferdinand beats Porky to the punch, and one of the results is Ferdinand the Big Pull, who moinked his way into the hearts of freak show goers everywhere.  And some things about space and Umbreons as well, but I don’t want to give Shadow a bigger head than he already has…

MITZI: Mitzi, like, totally approves of interspecies sex-ay times!  Mitzi believes that critters were totally made to wuv one another!  Even if the square peg doesn’t always fit in the round hole…

SNUGGLE: Hey, at least Ferdinand went and found him something with a female hole to sow his seed in!  This should be mandatory reading for Big Scrat on how to deal with fucking blue balls!

FUZZYWIG: So one minute I’m reading Animal Farm, and the next thing I know we’re being invaded by aliens.  And my mother thought H.R. Pufnstuf was too weird for me…

BIGGY: Why did Shadow have to give me that teasing gag of eating everything up?  Do you know how many enemas I had to use to undo that giant paper jam in my colon?

Entry #4: “The Pandemic Looks Pretty in Pink” – by Willow Croft

Ever hear a rustling or chewing sound in an isolated corner of your house?  Think it’s just an invading mouse looking for something to make a nest out of?  Perhaps your visitor is pink, and one of many in a species that is the actual cause for all of those supply shortages the past few years.  Special note: This is the first rookie CoW entry since Melanie’s in 2019!  YAY for new blood!

MITZI: Is that pink thing, like, the reason they totally shut down Mitzi’s titty bar she worked at and then made Mitzi give lapdances from six feet away?  You, like, can’t even throw dollar bills at Mitzi from that far away!

SNUGGLE: Hey, Snuggle Bear is always up for some brushie time!  Seriously, you brush over the right spot on my back and my balls get that same feeling like when I’m riding in an elevator!

FUZZYWIG: A world without paper…. dude, I don’t want to imagine that.  I can only get by on my bong for so long, man…

BIGGY: So that’s why so many of my cousins wound up getting smashed in mousetraps.  It’s like the Vietnam jungle out there, bitch!

Entry #5: “Bink” – by Phenny and Nelly

So just what is that bink… I mean, pink critter?  The Weim brothers were sent in to investigate, but alas, the patient did not survive the “operation”…

MITZI: Mitzi’s, like, totally into bink too!  It’s totally such a grrly grrl color!  Mitzi and Mama could totally be besties furever and ever!

SNUGGLE: Now that’s how you investigate new species!  Kill it and dissect it!  Don’t give ’em a chance to eat you first.  Yeah, we’ll take you to our leader….. in a fucking body bag!!!

FUZZYWIG: This reminds me of that time Sage got me a T-shirt with a pink cannabis leaf for Breast Cancer Awareness month.  That was so totally wrong.  MARIHUANA is not supposed to be pink!  Some things are just too sacred to mess with…

BIGGY: Remind me to cancel my vacation to France this summer…

Entry #6: “Critter!” – by Draliman

An epic poem in random pentameter about a very unfortunate looking critter who beat the odds and found success on some obscure theater production of some weird blog.  Until he walked out in front of that bus.  Or is that really how it ended?

MITZI: Butt ugly?  Like, Mitzi thinks all butts are so totally kyoooooooot!  That’s why Mitzi always wears her skintight pink tiger print yoga pants whenever Mitzi struts out on the town!  Or maybe Mitzi’s butt is totally ugly since it gets slapped by everyone Mitzi walks by…

SNUGGLE: So our pink little critter thought he was a Shelf Critter Theatre god when everyone knows there can only be one….. and that’s (pointing to himself with both  thumbs) THIS GUY!  I’d have pushed him out in front of the Number 18 bus, but I was little late coming from a personal appearance…

FUZZYWIG: I’ve been on a lot of natural highs in my life…. but I’ve yet to walk in front of a bus.  I have stumbled across quite a few tie dye VW vans in my life…

BIGGY: Getting run over by a bus or finding myself a wife.  I can’t decide which ending was more tragic…

Entry #7: “Critter Cam” – by Juliette

A critter cam set up in Juliette’s backyard catches all kinds of cuteness that people tend not to associate with creatures of the night.  After numerous images of raccoons and foxes and skunk, the cam catches a glimpse of the rarely seen North American mini bison!  What is a North American mini bison?  Go read and find out!

MITZI: Mitzi’s, like, totally been caught on lots of critter cams at night!  Like that time Mitzi and some dood from the strip club had a quickie in an ATM booth!  We even totally wound up on a truTV surveillance camera footage show!

SNUGGLE: Damn, someone sure is kinky!  If I want to watch some sex at two in the morning, I just turn on the porn channel like any other red blooded critter would!  (Flips on channel 69) Now there’s a couple of real foxes ready to make some lucky bison’s day!

FUZZYWIG: So the little bison dude tastes like yellow cake with chocolate icing.  Let me know when they find a critter that tastes like brownies, and maybe you’ll have my interest…

BIGGY: Man, do I really look like that?  I’m gonna have to start combing my fur before I go out foraging at night.  Who knew Big Brother really WAS everywhere?

FUZZYWIG: And that’s a wrap for this year!

MITZI: Like, that was only….. one…. too….. four……. sixty-nine…. um…. like, seven entries!

SNUGGLE: Yep!  That means Evil Squirrel has to cry like a bitch in front of everyone!  I’mma hold him to that as well!

FUZZYWIG: Well, that will have to wait for another day because according to my watch…

FUZZYWIG: It’s time to get my mellow on!

SNUGGLE: Dude!  That reefer fucking reeks!  Why can’t you just be an alcoholic like everyone else instead of a pothead!

MITZI: Like, can Mitzi put her mouf on your pipe, Fuzzy Wuzzy?

FUZZYWIG: Sure thing dear, I always puff, puff and pass.  Just let me get my Good Stuff…… um…….. what happened to my Good St….

BIGGY: Pardon me!

FUZZYWIG: Lovely.  I thought you dropped that devouring gag good.

BIGGY: Sorry.  Looks like old habits die hard.  And now for some reason I REALLY have the munchies!

Tune in Sunday to find out the winners of the Ninth Annual Contest of Whatever!

SNUGGLE: And see Evil Squirrel cry like a bitch!!!

Yeah, and, uh…. see Evil Squirrel cry like a bitch.


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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6 Responses to The Judges Speak

  1. that’s so darned great… I loved all entries… it seems that a lot of people have such a fabulous sense for pink…. that’s good so I’m not alone… who will announce da winner? Pink!? she would make a god winner picker…

  2. Oh wow….you’ve got your work cut out for you this year……amazingly weird and wild and wacky entries. Myself aside, you have some incredibly creative followers you Evil Squirrel you!!


  3. I shall encourage folks to come read the fabulous entries. Even though the number was slightly less than I understand you like, all of them (that I saw) more than made up for it in quality content! Not tooting my own uh horn mind you. Good luck with this! Now I have to go find out what made you cry like a unseemly word for ladies to use* although technically it’s one name for a female canine.. That um medical issue you had last year would have made ME howl like a hound dog certainly. It’s understandable. Oh heck, go blow your nose..

  4. draliman says:

    Some great entries as always! Sorry you didn’t hit the Big Eight, but as Meanie says, it’s quality, not quantity…

  5. Oh boy…another perfectly created Shelf Critter. Loved all the various takes on this new beastie. Well done, everyone.

  6. mydangblog says:

    These were so great! I’m sorry I lost track and didn’t do mine about Alistair Rathbone Fitzsimmons, although I believe I should get an honorable mention for that name alone;-)

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