The Nest’s tenth anniversary tribute to one of our more hilarious traditions, The Sandy Awards, concludes today as we announce the winners in each category!  And these aren’t just the best search terms in any given year, but the greatest we’ve ever received since going on the air in late 2011!  Sadly, since the search terms seem to have stopped being reported completely now, this will also likely be the very last Sandy Awards post I’ll ever make on my blog.  But at least the series will be going out with a huge bang!

Over the past ten weeks, I’ve whet your appetite for search term madness with oodles of my favorites that were recorded over the past ten years… and I broke those down into my nine classic categories, plus a tenth to represent those that didn’t fit a particular mold.  Before posting those lists, I pulled out my favorite from each category to save until the very end, and now we will reward those epic terms with our venerable gold spray painted squirrel girl trophy, The Sandy!

That’s me! Ain’t I adorable?

We have eleven such trophies to award today… not just the best for all ten categories, but also one I set aside from the beginning as the very best of them all!  Now, before we begin, it’s time to make this ceremony all official and shit….

All of the bolded terms below were really entered into a search engine at some point in the past ten years, and led that person to The Nest!

The presenters are, like, totally ready!

And now for our first category of the evening, dedicated to all of those interrogative searches that overly curious people like to ask Google because they don’t have any friends to bother…

And the winner is……………..

is a squirrel shitting on you good luck?

Yes we know, people can find superstition in the strangest of places.  Former baseball player Moises Alou used to piss on his hands before each game for good luck then high five his teammates.  But just minding your own business in the great outdoors and having a nasty squirrel take a dump on your head from above?  If that happened to me, I don’t think I’d be running down to the corner store to buy a lottery ticket… I’d probably head straight home and hide under the covers for a week.  Really, getting shit on by a random animal is that bad…

You won’t find any squirrel turds in this cereal…

Alright, that went off without a hitch!  Now let’s move on to our second category.  You’re the only person who Googles yourself, but if your famous, a lot of people out there will try finding stuff out about you online.  This next award honors those famous people, real and fictional, who have even less privacy than you do…

And the winner is…

is grimace always fucking?

Yes we know, Ronald’s buddy Grimace is a rock star.  And you probably think that a purple creature shaped like the world’s largest buttplug is getting laid so often, he has a sign outside his bedroom door that says “Over 100 million served.”  It’s the most likely explanation for why Birdie walks with a limp and where all those weird looking Fry Guys came from.  But even Grimace has to take a break from adding his tartar sauce to every Filet O’Fish that comes his way so that he can enjoy his other favorite hobby…. eating small children.

And as a bonus, it saves him a fortune in child support!

And now for our next category, which honors all of those searches that look like they were typed up by either a remedial English class or millennials who spend half of their life texting…

And the wiener winner is….

squirrels that wooble

Sing it with me now…. “Squirrels wooble, but they don’t fall down!”  Yes, there’s something endearingly amusing about thinking of squirrels as Weebles, bobbing back and forth like a punching dummy up on a tree branch somewhere.  That is, assuming, that this search was even about Weebles.  I don’t know what in the hell “wooble” means, but I have to admit, that needs to become a real word!

A bowl full of woobling Weebles! Squirrels not included.

Sometimes what someone is searching for will make the hair stand up on the back of your neck, while also causing the rods and cones in your eyes to burst into flames.  For those searches that we only wish we could unsee, The Nest created this category…

And the winner is….

i have a hanging belly and i’m 54

Who says you have to lie on your dating profile?  Sometimes, it is the truth that will set you free.  And as is often the case, the truth is a very scary and inconvenient thing to behold.  Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m 54?  Good luck finding someone to do that, though I’d say with that hanging belly, you already have the feeding part of things locked down…

Ripped from the cover of Men’s Health magazine…

Any old blog can get searches that fall into one of the first four categories, but it takes a website dedicated to our cute, fuzzy, arboreal friends to draw so many searches that fit into the next category…

And the winner is….

why do squirrels have fists of fury?

It’s not easy being a squirrel.  It doesn’t matter how cute you are, you’re constantly being hunted by hawks, stalked by cats, harassed by dogs, and getting shot at by rednecks.  Hungry?  Don’t think you can just indulge in that handout humans leave for the birds without having to work your way through booby traps and mean old ladies who chase you away from their birdfeeders.  Wanna cross the street?  Forgetaboutit.  This is the kind of world squirrels have to put up with on a daily basis.  So why do squirrels have fists of fury?  Because they’re long overdue to kick a little ass, that’s why!

Did someone order the knuckle sandwich?

When I created a series on the western zodiac seven years ago, I had no idea it would demand a Sandys category all to itself.  But it just goes to show you how much stock people put into something that people only believed in over two millennia ago because they didn’t know any better…

And the winner is…

do gemini male june 13 take shit?

We get it, astrology is fun!  People everywhere like reading their horoscope full of vague predictions of what will happen in their life because if you squint just right, at the end of the day it almost looks prophetic.  But you can take things too far.  If you’re seriously digging out the entertainment section of the newspaper to find out if the stars advise you whether it’s a good day to take a dump or not, you just might want to cut back a bit on letting psychic advice dictate your life before you end up as full of shit as your horoscope is!

You should never have to consult your astrologer before cutting loose with a deuce.

And then there are the searches that really make you wonder about the people behind them.  Just what is wrong with these idiots?  Why would you search for THAT?  This category is for those people…

And the winner is….

im a fucking possum

Poor you.  I can’t imagine it’s a whole lot of fun to be a possum.  Having a face only a blind mother could love.  Dining out in trash cans and on the side of the road.  Being too slow to keep from getting flattened by everything from an 18-wheeler to a kid on a tricycle.  I can see why a possum would wish it could be a human, or a cat, or even a dung beetle.  But you seem to have come to terms with your lot in life, and I say “good for you!”  Way to wear your possum pride on your pouch, you mangy marsupial!

That’s me, I’m so fucking special!

And because sometimes, there are search terms too good not to include, but which don’t fit into any of our narrowly defined categories…

And the winner is….

cartoon raccoon nose honk

Awwww, how adorable, right?  Who wouldn’t want to walk up to a cute little trash panda and playfully grab their adorable sniffer?  The joy it would bring into your heart would totally make it worth the rabies you’d contract once the critter chomped down on your hand.  And as a bonus, the experience would bring to mind fond memories of the climactic scene of The Karate Kid II…

Congratulations, cutie! Don’t do anything with this award that I wouldn’t…

There is a lot of porn out on the internet.  Rule 34 demands it.  And yet despite the vast volume of explicit material out there, it seems the supply still isn’t enough to meet all the demand…. thus, our next wholesome category.

And the winner is….

fucking a miss piggy plush

Sadly, there are plenty of horny people out there who don’t have that partner that’s needed to tango.  For some of these people, any old hole will do.  Why spend big bucks on an inflatable girlfriend when you can just pull your next fuck out of the crane game at the arcade?  And so, we have people like this who enjoy fornicating with stuffed toys.  I gotta say, if this were my bag, I’m not sure Miss Piggy would be the one who got me all hot and bothered… but I guess if you gotta pork a plushie, you may as well go for the other white meat.

That’s the last time I accept an invitation to the balcony from Statler and Waldorf!

And then there is our final regular category, which takes into account all of those searches for which there just isn’t any rational explanation for…

And the winner is…

sexy hearing aid

It’s no secret that we lose a lot of our better qualities as we age.  Our hair falls out.  Our eyesight starts getting bad.  Our genitals begin dragging the ground.  And then there’s the deadly combination of losing our hearing while also kissing our teenage sex appeal goodbye.  Hearing aids seem like an inevitability, but good luck finding one that’s going to turn you into the seventy-something version of Fabio.  I seriously doubt there’s anything in this world that is LESS SEXY than a hearing aid…

That may have worked on Eva Gabor, but Hungarians have strange fetishes…

And now….. the moment you’ve been waiting a decade for.  The winners for each category have been crowned, and now it’s time to dish out the most prestigious award of them all….. the VERY BEST search term that ever brought someone to Evil Squirrel’s Nest in its entire ten year existence!

I still remember the evening I first saw this search term pop up on my stats page.  I literally jumped out of my seat and began running all over the house in a fit of delirious laughter!  While I’ve had countless other search terms that are hilarious in their own right over the years, I knew even way back then that this would likely be the best one I’d ever see.  And sure enough, I’m officially crowning it with the Sandy Award for the Best Search of All Time!!!!!

And the winner is………………………

Drum roll please, Hottie!

can you make a tooth pick from a possum penis?

Seriously, what is there to even say about this absolute gem?  The next time you get a stubborn piece of spinach caught between your teeth, consider for a moment that nature has provided you with a natural method for extracting that residue from your dental crevices!  And of course, this is yet another demoralizing aspect of marsupial life for our poor guy who’s a fucking possum.  You think its bad being called a pencil dick or a needle dick…. try being called a toothpick dick!  Then again, there may be those possums who will use any excuse, no matter how embarrassing, to get some oral attention…

Pick away, ladies!

And on that utterly insane note, that’s a wrap for our All Time Sandys presentation.  I hope you enjoyed this hilarious look back at what I’ve considered to be one of the hidden side benefits of having a WordPress blog for so long…. those nutty search term logs!  Alas, I may never see one come in again…. but I’ll always have this treasure trove to look back and smile upon when I need a laugh!