Ads, ads, everywhere an ad…

In my most recent Weekend Threesome, I bemoaned the fact that WordPress defiles the wholesome and classy content I post here with ads for Dog only knows what.  We’ve all seen plenty of this intrusive virtual garbage that is designed to get your attention and make you click so somebody can earn a penny.  And heaven forbid should you accidentally open one any of this flashy clickbait, as it will probably take you to some possum porn site while infecting your computer with more viruses than you’ll find in a third world brothel.

Of course, some of these ads are humorous in the same randomly absurd way a spam comment can tickle our funny bones.  They rely on memey gimmicks like “one simple trick” and name-checking the city you live in while describing some fascinating service that can’t possibly exist.  Ads like these appear on the bottom of the website I play fantasy baseball on, and I figured if my blog was going to have ads on it, they may as well be ones I can mock for the enjoyment of my readers!  Here’s a random sampling of crazy ads I got from just four page refreshes this morning….

Ah yes, the ubiquitous dating ad we all see… ensuring me that there are lots and lots of hot runway models lurking about in my hometown that I’ve never seen before!  I hope you all don’t mind that I changed the name of my location to “Nest City.”  I really don’t need all the stunningly beautiful girls reading this to be beating my door down, after all.  You know, maybe they’re just fine with happening to be single… especially knowing their dating profiles are being made available to weirdos who play fantasy baseball.

Where’s the average price of a gutter protection?  Oh, right…. I have to click on the ad to find out so I can be taken to the website of some shady bookie who wears a black hoodie and pretends to do install gutter protection.  Would you trust this guy to do any work on your house?  If that business isn’t a front for money laundering, then I’ll bet he actually works for my plumbers…

“Almost” being given away?  I smell a weasel word!  I guess we’re supposed to assume those are smartphones in that huge stack of boxes there, but if they’re almost being given away, chances are they’re black bricks with rotary dials from 1996 that someone found in an old MCI warehouse…

What are they furious about?  That package looks to be in better shape than the safety cutter blades I ordered from Amazon last year.  And what’s the deal with “1” savings tactic.  They used the numeral one instead of the word, and then added quotes around it!!!  That smells fishier than the dumpster behind Long John Silver’s…

Speaking of crimes against syntax, here we have the criminally infamous misuse of apostrophe-S for a plural word that is my biggest grammar pet peeve.  Sorry, that just completely took me out of this Subaru ad, along with the fact that you couldn’t dig up even “1” stunningly beautiful girl who happens to be single and wearing a bikini to pose on the hood…

Well, I should say they do!  Not a trace of edema or swelling on those beautiful legs.  Not that I believe edema is much of a risk for the obviously young model who is posing in these breakthrough miracle socks, but I guess nobody with kidney disease or a massive blood clot was available to slip them on for a quick pic.

After being assaulted by all of these insane ads, I could really use a vacation now.  This train tour through Europe looks pretty nifty!  Assuming we survive the first two legs of the tour which take us out into the middle of the sea.  Of course, I’m probably the only idiot left who isn’t aware of the new amphibious train that has a route between Dublin and Paris…

Better yet, I’ll stick to a boat that I know is seaworthy.  “Empty Alaska Cruise Cabins Cost Almost Nothing.”  Well, no shit!  If they’re empty, that means there’s nobody to charge a fare to!  Full Alaska Cruise Cabins Cost Almost A Fortune!

This guy fishing for Baby Ruths in the swimming pool I don’t own probably works for the same “company” as the crook who installs gutter protection.  You know that famous poster for the movie Jaws?  Insert the open muzzle of one of The Nest’s patented man-eating otters at the very bottom of that photo.  Now that’s an ad!

Here’s what happens when you don’t have a balanced pool.  600 pound Uncle XXXXXXXXXXXL and his Speedo plops down in the shallow end and floods the entire fucking neighborhood.  May as well make lemonade out of lemons and rent out these now-condemned homes as “overwater bungalow vacations!”  Why didn’t FEMA think of this brilliant scheme after Hurricane Katrina hit?

Oh goody!  I can use a fun diversion like this.  My US geography skills are pretty sharp.  Sharp enough to know that Alaska didn’t get annexed by Mexico, Hawaii doesn’t belong in the Gulf of Mexico, and Nevada sure as hell shouldn’t be in the Bermuda Triangle…

But in a future, post-cataclysmic world where Nevada does get swallowed up by the Atlantic Ocean, you’ll have lots of flooded hotel suites in Las Vegas.  Pro tip: That suite is NOT empty…

If I don’t want to spend my hard earned money on gutter protection, empty Alaskan cruise cabins or almost free cell phones… I can turn The Nest into a virtual golf course instead.  I wonder how much a golf simulator costs on clearance, and would it be worth ruining my reputation at the country club with all of my super rich friends if they found out I’m such a coupon clipping cheapskate?

And finally……. this.  What better way to convince people not to buy expensive solar panels than by putting up one of Nest City’s most beautiful girls who also happens to be single next to some unidentifiable energy contraption.  It’s Genius!  I mean, come on, the look on her face says it all!  This is probably an ad for a solar powered flashlight, and this goofy ass chick was dumb enough to buy ten of them…

Well, that’s enough gratuitously stupid ads for today.  Maybe I’ll do this again if I notice more juicy clickbait material in the future.  Until then, just remember this “1” simple trick…

Remember to pack a life vest for your next European train tour!