If you thought re-gifting last year’s fruitcake was going to be the tackiest thing about this holiday season, then you haven’t experienced the Shelf Critter Secret Santa exchange yet.  It’s time for another lesson in gift-giving etiquette that you should avoid at all costs…

Oh no, where’s the mute button?

ZAC: Oh boy! Oh boy!!!  It’s my turn to pick!  Oh goody!  I get to make someone happy!  Happier than me!  More than happy!!!  Happier than happy!!!!!!!!

Would you just draw a damn name before I go find the flyswatter…

ZAC: YAY!  I drew a winner!  A wiener!

Well, you have the wiener part right.  I have a feeling you better make a wise gift giving choice here, Smiley….

ZAC: Hello Big Scrat!  Big Boy!  Big Biggie!  The Notorious S.C.R.A.T!

BIG SCRAT: I keep hearing a noise.  Where is it coming from?

BIG SCRAT: Oh, there you are.  What do you want, little dude?

ZAC: I totally drew your name in the Secret Santy contest!  Lucky you!  Lucky me!  I should be so lucky!  Lucky, lucky, lucky!!!

BIG SCRAT: Well, quit blabbering and tell me what you bought me!

ZAC: Sure!  No problemo!  Coming right up!  I got you the key to my overwhelming happiness!  The secret to my effervescent joy!  The reason for my sunshiny attitude of gratitude!

BIG SCRAT: You got me a bottle of Prozac?

ZAC: Nope!  BUZZ!!! Totally wrong!  I got you this!!!

BIG SCRAT: And that would be?

ZAC: A buttplug!

BIG SCRAT: A………… huh!?!?!?

ZAC: Not mine, of course!  It fits like a glove!  A latex glove!  A turn and cough glove!  No, I got this one slightly used for $9.99!

BIG SCRAT: Slightly….. wait a minute!  I’m not….

BIG SCRAT: NO!!! Wait….

ZAC: Allow me to install your new device!  Insert the joy!  Fill up your negative space!

BIG SCRAT: I’ll let you know right now that I’d don’t take anything up ther…….. YEEEEEEEEEOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

ZAC: There, now aren’t you totally happy, slappy and flappy like me?  Huh? Huh? Huh?  Whaddaya say, pal-o-pal!?!?!?

BIG SCRAT: Dammit!!!!  I hear you laughing off set, Snuggle!!!!!!!!!!!