If you think there oughta be a law banning Secret Santa gift exchanges, well, you can use this version as your Exhibit A before Congress. It’s time for another Shelf Critter to face the music of having to buy someone they don’t like the world’s tackiest gift…
This gift may be both tacky AND illegal….
SNUGGLE: Jealous much, Narrator Dude? I’mma knock this one right out of the park! I get a discount at Spencer’s, you know. Now I just need to totally not peek a little and draw out my Teeny Weeny’s name!
TINA: Oh, I hate to disappoint you, Unca Snuggie, but I wasn’t included in the gift exchange!
SNUGGLE: Dafuq!?!? Who decided that? I’ll rip out their spleen snap them in the ass with it!
TINA: I tried to change out all of the names in the jar with MEEEEEE!!! Everyone should be buying big expensive shit for such an awesome little cutie like myself! But no, I got kicked out for cheating so now I’ll just have to pester Santa with my twenty foot long wish list!
SNUGGLE: Damn! But hey, this is the first time we’ve ever been mouth to mouth like this! How ’bout a little kiss, sweetie?
TINA: Oh, Uncle Snuggie! You’re much more of a smooth operator than the rest of the boys in my third grade class! Close your eyes and pucker up!!!!
Uncle Snuggie does as he’s told….
SNUGGLE: Damn, your lips taste like paper! I was expecting maybe cotton candy scented lipstick…… dafuq!?!?!?
SPARKLEPONY: I was expecting something extravagant and worthy of my tastes. Not this….. this….. dishrag!
SNUGGLE: It’s an ugly sweater.
SPARKLEPONY: Yes, I can tell it’s ugly.
SNUGGLE: All the hipsters wear these to Christmas parties, or at least that’s what Chip told me!
SPARKLEPONY: The sweater is mangy, the material reeks, and are those fleas and ticks crawling all over it!?!?
SNUGGLE: All you’ve done is complain about this nice gift I got for you like a selfish bitch! I actually didn’t buy you shit, but I just happened to run over this possum on the way over here, and quickly ripped this sweater off his hide just to satisfy your whiny ass……. hey, where are you running off to!?!?!? You’re wasting a perfectly good dead possum here!!!!!