Let both the buyer and the receiver beware, as we’re about to experience another fucked up act of giving in the Shelf Critter Secret Santa exchange. There’s only one more week to go, but it will certainly seem like a lifetime…
I thought I heard “Hail To The Chief” being played on a kazoo…
UNCLE SAM: There’d have been a 21 gun salute as well, but we spent all of the bullets on a rabid pack of insurgent possums that ambushed my motorcade.
Yeah, just keep species profiling like that. Pick a name, Mr. President….
SAM: This takes me back to those draft lotteries we used to have! That reminds me, I’m long overdue to start another war in some third world shithole….
SAM: Well, this is an unfortunate photo op. If the Fake News gets ahold of this juxtaposition, my reputation will really be ruined!
Whatever you say, President Fleabag….
SAM: Citizen Mutt, please accept this gift of the Shelf’s finest government cheese as a token of our holiday appreciation for your tax money.
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! MADE IN 1974! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
SAGE: (Grabbing the present) NO!!!!!!! You can’t give a dog cheese! It’s not good for their sensitive systems, and can seriously sicken or even kill a beloved furbaby!
FLEABAG: WHINE! WHINE! WHINE! WHINE! WHINE! WHINE! WHINE! WHINE! WHINE! WHINE! WHINE! WHINE! WHINE!
SAM: I don’t know what kind of liberal mantra you’re spewing there, you long haired weirdo, but good dogs have been eating government cheese since World War II! That’s the food of the gods!
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! GIMME BACK MY CHEESE! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
SAM: Way to stand your ground there, citizen! I may need to invest in a pack of cheese eating dogs to take care of rabblerousing protesters….
FLEABAG: (Nibbling the petrified block) BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! GOVERNMENT BLOOD! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
Evil Squirrel's Nest 
You can’t give a dog cheese?! I think Sage is making things up to thwart the natural course of politics. I just if hope Fleabag gets the runs, he knows whose shoes to crap on😉
I looked it up back when I made this list out a few weeks ago, and supposedly cheese is a no-go for dogs, but then again, I “they” say that just about any kind of people food is bad for animals. Tell that to the squirrels I’ve seen eating leftovers at the park, including dipping cheese!
Atlas loves cheese, although he’ll eat pretty much anything–his favourite treat is cauliflower!
Oh that government cheese is a challenge. I actually received government cheese during a thankfully brief but unfortunate period in my life. I don’t think the aim of that cheese was to provide delicious nourishment as much as it was meant to occupy space in your growling stomach so you wouldn’t miss actual food as much. Maybe it tastes better with a little blood on it???????????????
Pam
I think we got a few of those bricks as well in the 80’s. I actually did some reading up on government cheese before writing this, and it’s fascinating why the cheese existed, why it was given out, and just how “suspect” it was from all that sitting in warehouses for who knows how long!
Does petrification stop mold from forming? Elsa wants to know. 🤣
According to my research, apparently not! Some of the government cheese given out was not yellow, or even orange….
Good ol’ American compromise in action.
Hilarious, as always! 🙂
Blimey, Fleabag in kill mode! I feel sorry for him as I tuck into my premium Applewood cheddar…