Now that everyone’s been thoroughly poisoned by the eggnog and passed out on the floor, it’s finally time to wrap up the Shelf Critter Secret Santa exchange. There’s only one name left to be drawn, and we’ll see who gets dibs on the dregs of the cup….
Hey, wait a minute! You already had your chance to pick a name!
CAPER: That’s right! And as you can see, the cup is completely empty… so I got rooked into buying something without getting a gift in return! Yep, just keep jamming it up my ass, Shelf Critter Theatre writers!
Well, ’tis better to give than to rec…
CAPER: Oh, cut the crap, Narrator Dude! I got hosed again, plain and simple! Man, fuck Christmas!
SANTA: Another non believer in the magic, it seems!
CAPER: Santa!?!? You mean, my name really was in there? And YOU get to give me my gift!?!? Oh boy, I’m so excited right now I just might wet my PJ Masks underpants!
SANTA: Santa would never forget the good girls of the Shelf!
CAPER: Everyone else might ignore me, but Santa knows I exist, and I just know you got something awesome for me! I mean, you make all those toys….
SANTA: Yeah, yeah… I’m fucking Kris Kringle, and I rock. Now come over here and see what Santa’s got for you in his sack full of fun!!!
CAPER: Oh goody!!! Look at all that cool shit in there!!! What’s in there for me!?!?!?
SANTA: Why don’t you check out the selection and choose what you like?
CAPER: YAY!!!! This is the best day of my life since I set myself on fire at daycare!
Caper takes a good look in Santa’s sack, and…….. well, you should know what’s gonna happen here….
SANTA: (Closing his sack) Gotcha, you insignificant little shrimp!!!
CAPER: (Muffled) Dafuq!?!? Let me out of here now you fat fucker!!! I’ll report your ass to UNICEF!!!
SANTA: It’s Christmas Eve and it’s time to take you on a long ride!
SANTA: (Savagely whipping his squirreldeer) MUSH!!!!!
SCRAT THE RED NOSED SQUIRRELDEER: Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealllllllll!!!!!
Santa waits until his sleigh is way out over the middle of the Atlantic Ocean before booting Caper out of his sack and into the open water….
Caper manages to wash up on a desert island…
CAPER: (Shaking the water and medical waste out of her fur) That’s what I get for talking to strangers! Kidnapped and thrown into a windowless sleigh…. and now, I’m Dog only knows where!!!
It doesn’t take long for our portly little skunk to find signs of life….
CAPER: Well, hot damn! I found fellow critters! Now I’ll probably end up in a boiling pot as rump roast…
ULTRAVIOLET: Greetings! I haven’t seen you around here before?
CAPER: OMG! I’m not being ignored! Is this paradise?
UV: This is the Island of Misfit Critters! Where those of us who aren’t good enough to get regular roles in Shelf Critter Theatre are banished to.
DINOSAUR: That’s right, SCT apparently has no use for a small stegosaurus.
STINKER: Or a shy, gray skunk.
DERPY: Or a retarded pon….
UV: Special needs, Derpy! You have SPECIAL NEEDS!
LION: Or a crappy looking lion with an open mouth.
STINKER: Or that mermaid who can’t survive on land and died a few months ago.
UV: None of us have a home on The Shelf.
CAPER: So you’re saying I washed up on an island with a bunch of rejects!?!? Where’s my agent? I’m firing his ass as soon as I get back to civilization!
LION: But you’re a reject too!
DINOSAUR: That’s right, there’s a reason nobody pays any attention when you appear on camera.
DERPY: You don’t belong with the real cast.
STINKER: You belong here with us rejects, bitch!
CAPER: Bullshit!!!! I’m a fucking star!!!! I deserve better roles and more recognition!!! I’m not….
EVIL SQUIRREL: What’s going on here!?!? Who are all of you rejects talking to?
UV: Nobody, sir.
STINKER: That’s right, nobody with a capital N.
DERPY: We’re just all having a moment!
ES: Good, do you think we can keep it that way?
GIANT SCARY SQUIRREL: (Trampling Caper underfoot) Did someone start party?
UV: Yes, I think we can get back to business as normal now, boss.
Derpy eats a fly circling the dead mermaid…
ES: Good! Now I’m letting you guys in front of the cameras as a special favor today for my blog’s 11th anniversary! Let’s have some fun, and no more talking to invisible critters!
The misfit critters party hard to honor Evil Squirrel’s Nest’s blogaversary….
Well, most of the misfit critters…..
CAPER: (Spitting up blood) Happy fucking Christmas to all! And to all a good…..