Alternate History

TV ANNOUNCER: And now to satisfy our government mandated weekly hour of educational programming, Shelf TV Public Access Channel 69 presents another obtuse episode of I’m Smarter Than You Are, with your pompous host, Shadow the Umbreon!

SHADOW: Thank you, thank you everyone for that much deserved ovation!  Well, I’m sure there would have been thunderous applause if we had an audience who could attend these 3:00 in the morning airings.  It’s time for your humble host, the brilliant Shadow the Umbreon, to share more of my vast intelligence with all of you lesser beings out there.  If you enjoyed last week’s step by step instructions on how to build a thermonuclear device out of the contents of your junk drawer, then I’m sure you’re going to truly enjoy this week’s foray into events of the past!  Stay tuned, as I….

This is BORING!!!!!!!!!!

SHADOW: Oh, allow me to introduce this week’s young guest of the show Tammy…

TINA: That’s Tina, you dimwit!  Where’s the candy you promised me if I followed you off the street into this dark studio?

SHADOW: Ahem…. as I was saying, Tina has the honor of being this week’s Child Einstein who will act genuinely amazed at what she learns….

TINA: Child Einstein is a DUMB name!  I wanna be The Unicorn Cowgirl!

SHADOW: I think it’s time to get on with our show today and look back on some memorable moments that happened on this very day many years ago!  Let’s bring in the time machine!

TINA: That’s not a time machine, silly!  That’s a robotic fox!

SHADOW: Do not call into question my immense knowledge….

TINA: I’mma play with this cutie!!!!  I wonder what this switch does?

SHADOW: No, wait!!!  Don’t…..

ROBOFOX: Eye lasers on extra crispy!!!!!!!!!!

1.21 gigawatt lasers shoot out of the robotic f…. er, time machine’s eyes….



BUSTER: Could someone fetch a fire extinguisher?  I believe my spleen is ablaze!!!!

SHADOW: Dammit!  There went the cameracritter!  I guess it don’t matter, we only use one shot on this show anyway….

SHADOW: Now let’s use this time machine properly and look back at some fascinating events that occurred while this planet was in this very same position in its orbit around its celestial star?

TINA: You mean what happened on this day in history?

SHADOW: Ummmm….. yeah.  Let’s start with a famous televised speech given by Shelf President Sam M. Nixon on this day in 1974!

Shadow presses a few buttons and Robofox’s eyes produce a 3-D window into the past…..

UNCLE SAM: This is it, isn’t it.  I have to go on live TV in front of all the Shelf’s citizens to address this scandal the Fake News has pinned on me!  I swear, I didn’t even grab that cat by the pussy!

CHIEF OF STAFF SLIDER: Don’t worry, Mr. President.  I hired the most talented speechwriter in the world to prepare your statement to the nation.  Just stick with what’s on the card and you shouldn’t be forced to resign…

SAM: Good evening, my fellow Amurricans……

Sam looks down at the prepared speech…..




CHIP: Sir, Chip Squirrel from SCNN.  Sir, you can’t just clam up and not say anything about this scandal that has rocked the Shelf!  We the critters demand ANSWERS!



CLETUS: I’m from Raccoon News, and I reckon yer silence on this matter’s speakin’ volumes ’bout yer guilt, ya varmint!



ULTRAVIOLET: Who am I?  Why am I here?



President Sam remains mum…..

CHIP: Sir, we demand to know what you’re hiding!!!!!

SAM: (Thinking to himself) Best damn speech I was ever given!

SHADOW: And it just so happens that we have the writer of that famous speech from 49 years ago with us in the studio today!  Care to share some wisdom with our audience?

MR. FOX: …………………………………..

SHADOW: Wonderful.  The speech matches the contents of your cranium….

TINA: Wait a minute, Egghead!  Did that graphic say that speech took place on November….

SHADOW: My my, look at the time.  We’ll have to go straight to our next historical flashback from this very day in 1848!  The year plagued by the great potato famine….

RAINY: Dammit!  It hasn’t rained all year, and my potato crops are totally ruined!!!

TROLL: Yeah, my taters didn’t really sprout either.  But I did manage to harvest one spud…

RAINY: You’re so lucky!

TROLL: Yeah, I kinda ran out of Miracle Gro and had to fertilize it myself with……. well…..

RAINY: Horse manure?

TROLL: Uhhh….. Troll manure.  It did kill two birds with one stone since the outhouse blew sky high last summer after Granny lit her pipe up on the throne….

RAINY: That’s DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!  I thought that potato looked TOO brown….



TROLL: Isn’t that Farmer Fuzzy’s mutt?

FUZZYWIG: Yo, what’s shakin’ neighbors?

TROLL: Our potato crops all went bust!

RAINY: And everyone else’s fields on the Shelf were barren too!  We’re going to STARVE!!!!

TROLL: You don’t seem too down about this famine!

FUZZYWIG: Oh, well, you see….. I didn’t plant potatoes in my field this year.  I decided to grow…. well…..

FUZZYWIG: And let me tell you, it was a bumper crop!

RAINY; You grew weed on your farm!?!?

TROLL: And the potato blight didn’t destroy it?

FUZZYWIG: Are you kidding?  Weed doesn’t rot.  It just kinda mellows out….

FUZZYWIG: Well, that really hit the spot!  Now I just need some potato chips to satisfy thee munchies I have…..

TROLL: Ummmmmm……..

FUZZYWIG: Oh, right.  We’re totally fucked……

SHADOW: Wasn’t that an enlightened look back to the 19th Century?

TINA: You big dummy!  I just checked with Siri on my phone, and there’s no such date as November….

SHADOW: Let’s go even farther back in time for our third segment.  All the way back to the very creation of critterdom!  Watch as we explore this day in the year….

SNUGGLE: Whoa!  Dafuq happened!?!?  I musta got drugged at the party last night and someone stole one of my kidneys!

VOICE FROM ABOVE: Actually, Snuggle, I took one of your ribs.

SNUGGLE: Who said that!?!?  I’mma get up and punch you right in the junk if you don’t give me back…

GOD: It’s God talking!  I realized that you’re lonely here in the Garden of Eden, so I decided to make you a companion from your rib.

SNUGGLE: Wait, you mean like you’re making me a chick?  Fuck yeah!!!!  My snake’s totally ready to tempt Eve with an apple!!!  Sexy times, here I come!!!

BIG SCRAT: Right on!  Let’s rock this paradise!

SNUGGLE: Wait a minute!!!  You’re not Eve!  There must’ve been a mistake!  My rib wouldn’t make some hideous beast like you!

BIG SCRAT: God doesn’t make mistakes!  And God didn’t use your rib, but some other bone that barely left a mark when He snipped it off.  Now, (removing his fig leaf) let’s do some things that were left out of the Bible!

SNUGGLE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

MITZI: So you’re, like, totally not sending me down to Even, Goddy Woddy?

GOD…. er, EVIL SQUIRREL: Nah, I keep angels like you in Heaven where you belong!  Besides, I really don’t want that creepy bear breeding anyway which is why I made a replacement he can’t begat with.  I’ll try creating critterdom on earth again in a few more millennia.

MITZI: So, can we, like, do it until then?

ES: Well, I’m out of ribs, so I gotta make more angels somehow!

TINA: There’s no such day as November 31st!!!!!!!!!!

CAPER: Sure there is!

TINA: What do you know, Fatty?

CAPER: November 31st is my birthday!

TINA: Bullshit!

CAPER: Yup, today is my birthday!  Can’t you tell?

TINA: I don’t see no cake!  Or ice cream!  Or party balloons!

CAPER: Of course not!  Because like me, everybody ignores my birthday!  They don’t even put it on the calendar!  At this rate, I’ll never turn 21 and be able to buy my own booze!

SHADOW: Do you dare to challenge my vast knowledge of the calendar again, foolish girl?

TINA: You’re full of shit!  And I still haven’t gotten my candy!

SHADOW: Feel free to enjoy this brain candy in the form of our final segment from this day in history, which occurred on the French Shelf 230 years ago….

SPARKLEPONY: Princess Luna, the free critters of this Shelf have removed you as our ruler for ignoring the needs of the poor who can’t even afford the value menu at McDonald’s!

LUNA ANTIONETTE: Let them eat cake!  Now unhand me, guards, or I’ll have you beheaded!!!

SPARKLEPONY: That’s actually the punishment we have in store for you today, Princess.  But unfortunately, the crappy guillotine you had imported from China is out of order.

ZEEBA: (Removing her black mask) BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!  I wanna chop off some bitch’s head!!!  Remember the Bastille!!!  Remember the BLOOD!!!!  BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!

SPARKLEPONY: Settle down, executioner.  The execution will still take place, but we’ll have to use an improvised implement of demise….

ZEEBA: Dafuq is this shit?

LUNA: A spork, really?  I’m far too high classed of a mare to be jabbed with a tool of the bourgeoisie.  So if you’ll just untie me, I’ll just be heading back to the castle now to catch up on season five of Real Housewives of Alsace-Lorraine…

LUNA: OUCH!!!!!!!!


SPONKIE 1: This execution could take all night, Ma.

SPONKIE 2: Yeah, can we stay up and watch it?

SPARKLEPONY: Absolutely NOT!  You two know your bedtime is at 8 PM sharp!

SHADOW: Are you satisfied now that I’m right and you’re wrong?

TINA: No.  Now where’s my candy?

SCRATCHY: Tina!  I’ve been looking all over for you!

TINA: Aunt Scratchy!!!!  I got kidnapped by this perv here whose been feeding me BS about it being November 31st today!

SCRATCHY: November… WHAT?  Dude!  It’s March 17th!  St. Patrick’s Day!  Where’s your fucking green!?!?

SHADOW: Sigh…… if you must know, this entire episode has been a promotion for the Tenth Annual Contest of Whatever, which has a theme this year of…..

SCRATCHY: Hey, I wonder what this weird button does?

SHADOW: No, WAIT!!!!  Don’t touch that button there!!!!!!

TINA: Do it, Aunt Scratchy!!!!!!!!!!!

ROBOFOX: Eye lasers on FULL POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHADOW: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SCRATCHY: There, now you’re ready for some pub crawling on St. Patrick’s Day!

SHADOW: This is embarrassing.  I’m getting a strange sensation inside my Pokeballs, but unfortunately it’s just radiation poisoning from my robotic fox….

TINA: You mean time machine!!!  And I hope it didn’t ruin that candy you still owe me!

SCRATCHY: Here Tina, have some green beer instead!

TINA: OMG Auntie!  Are you sure I can drink this?

SCRATCHY: Why not?  We’re all Irish today!

Don’t forget to play the Tenth Annual Contest of Whatever!  The deadline is November 31st April 6th!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Shelf Critter Theatre and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to Alternate History

  1. that’s the true story behind this day… it makes totally sense… thanksforshowing us the truth… ad… poor buster LOL

  2. Willow Croft says:

    Happy November 31st! Back to the Future…of St. Patty’s Day! Shamrock milkshakes in spaaaaaaccccccceeeee….

  3. Juliette says:

    There ought to be some songs to go along with this. I can’t stop laughing. I’m inspired.

  4. I guess I’ll have to forego my 4th green brewski to save enough brain cells to come up with an idea for the Contest…………burp………..


  5. draliman says:

    Oh no. I was going to do the exact same thing for my entry. With the same robotic fox and everything. Ahem…

  6. Kismet says:

    You’ll have a hell of a hangover on November 32.

  7. Well, actually, you DO have to pick it when it’s ripe or it becomes good only for making rope. We picked ours a week too early, but the weather was changing and we thought we should harvest before it got cold. Who knew it wasn’t going to GET cold? It was pretty good anyway — more like the quality we used to get way back when and not the insanely powerful stuff they are selling now.

    The problem was, when we added up the cost of growing it — all the special dirt, pots, fertilizer, electricity (for the seedlings) — it was definitely cheaper to buy it!

  8. Well that was a delightfully circuitous route from November 31st to March 17th. Hope you got your 🍀 on.

Jabber Away...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s