Tag Archives: elf

The 24 Days Of Shelfmas – Day 3

On the third day of Shelfmas, the critters gave to me… Three French…. words. SANTA: Just three!?!?  George Carlin said there were seven of them, and that ain’t even close to enough profanity to get me through this fucking holiday! … Continue reading

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Letters To Santa – Day 24

SANTA: Alright, the sleigh’s loaded up with all this useless shit I had to buy at Mecca because my elves can’t figure out the Chinese pictogram instructions to assemble anything!  Let’s get this road on the show!  The faster I … Continue reading

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Letters To Santa – Day 23

SEYMOUR: Checking out the weather report, huh Santa? SANTA: How very observant of you, Seymour.  What if I was looking at something personal and confidential, you nosy fuck? SEYMOUR: Oh no, Santa!  Is it really going to get up to … Continue reading

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Letters To Santa – Day 22

Christm….. errr, THIS morning…. EVIL SQUIRREL: Santa not only insults me by not honoring my request, but he re-gifts his Squirreldeer he already gave to Mr. Fox?  I hope that jolly old sack of shit enjoys his new life on … Continue reading

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Letters To Santa – Day 21

SANTA: Dammit!  How come you can’t see the Northern Lights anymore?  I mean, we’re as far fucking north as you can get! SEYMOUR: Too much light pollution, Santa.  Even at the North Pole, the sky isn’t as dark as it … Continue reading

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