Let there be no doubt that humans treat their young better than any other species in the animal community.  We so value their fragile self-esteem and want them to grow up to be the whiners of the future that we make sure that any kind of competition they get involved in awards everyone from the kid that’s good at everything  to the dork that’s always picked last.  Luckily, when we enter the adult world, only the best get to reap the bling that comes with success.  Well, everywhere except the blogging world, that is….

As proof that any idiot who can turn on a computer and remember a password can be considered special, my blog was recently nominated for a Liebster Award!  It’s not exactly an Oscar or a big cardboard check from Publisher’s Clearing House, but it does look perty….

I think this came with my Valentine’s Day Fun Dips I gave out for Halloween…

Now, just because anyone who can pay their power bill can win this prestigious honor doesn’t mean you don’t have to do something to earn it.  Like bowling, there are rules… and they are as follows:

• You must thank the person who gave you this award.
• You must display the Liebster heart on your blog.
• You should nominate 3 to 5 up-and-coming blogs (with less than 200 subscribers)

Sounds simple, right?  Wrong.  Those were the award’s original rules for its recipients.  Like gossip, however, it got more and more out of hand as the award passed from blog to blog.  Now, they don’t resemble the original rules at all…

• Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
• Answer the questions the person giving the award has sent you.
• Create 11 questions for the people you will be giving the award to.
• Choose 11 people to award and send them the link to your post. Go to their page and tell them.
• No tag backs.

Are you fucking serious!?!?!?

I may have to write a blog post that would qualify for NaNoWriMo just to brag that I’m in the Liebster Club!  I’ll bet the Starland Vocal Band didn’t have to jump through this many hoops to win a Best New Artist Grammy.  But right now I’m just some moron with a squirrel obsession and no hardware on my sidebar mantel, so as long as this initiation doesn’t involve kneepads, I guess I better go through with it….

First off, paying tribute to the blogger out there who thought enough of my little cubbyhole of cyberspace here to bestow this prestigious honor on me…..

Angel is my sincerest character, so she really means it!

Major thanks to the criminally insane jenius behind the Jeneral Insanity blog for choosing me as one of the bloggers to pass this honor off to.  I am deeply touched to be stalked by a jenuine lunatic!!!

OK, now let’s see… 11 things about myself.  Damn, there are so many weird things about me… some I probably can’t even legally mention here.  But let’s see what I can come up with…. I’m really so damn boring that most of these will probably be along the lines of really weird shit about me…

1. I’m a notorious creature of habit, but am most definitely not OCD.  An OCD person would have a coronary if they walked into my place and saw what a disorganized mess I have.  I also merely get very perturbed and do not have panic attacks when I am thrown out of my regular rituals.
2. I hate traveling and especially sightseeing.  I was once in New York City (See #11) for 3 days and saw Times Square… and that was it.  I mainly only travel because I like to see baseball games in other ballparks besides Busch Stadium.
3. I was born on one of the coldest July days in St. Louis history.  It hit 55 degrees, which is still our record low for July 13th
   

   Al Gore was wrong!

4. I drive a 1998 Neon, which I’ve had for 12 years now.  The car is blue even though my favorite color is red and I was looking for a red car.
   

   They see me rollin’…

5. I have never sent a text message in my life.  If you haven’t noticed from some of my posts and comics, I kinda hate cell phones…
   

   Exhibit #31278933

6. My job at Mecca is the only one I’ve ever had.
7. I’m a hoarder.  There are gas receipts in my car that show the price of regular unleaded below $1.00 a gallon.  In 20 years, you will not be able to walk in my house.
8. Despite my very outgoing online personality, I have the real-life social skills of someone who is very autistic.  Of course, it’s that lack of a social life that allows me to spend so much time doing shit like this.
9. I have never consumed alcohol, not even to try it.  This may possibly tie in with #8.
10. I have kept a daily journal that dates back to February 5, 1993.  I can sometimes be as much as two weeks behind in it, but I still have at least a crude entry for every day since then.
11. On January 31, 2001, everyone in America got to see how big of a dumbass I was when I appeared as a contestant on the original ABC version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, and bombed both of my Fastest Finger questions.  I won the trip to New York, $150 spending loot, and my pathetic image broadcast throughout the universe in perpetuity… mainly on GSN reruns.
    

    I knew I shoulda tried out for the $25,000 Pyramid instead…

OK, that wasn’t too bad…. now to answer the tough questions The Jeneral came up with.  Bring on the rubber hose….

1.  What is the first thing you would do in the event of a Zombie Apocolypse?

Probably shit my pants.  This does give me the chance to ask something that’s puzzled me for a while now…. exactly what’s up with the pop culture fascination over the past few years with zombie apocalypses?  I’m really curious about this!

I hate horror flicks.

2. If you were stranded on an island and could only take 3 things with you, what would they be?

Assuming all electrical gizmos would be out of the question (otherwise, I’d HAVE to have a computer with internet access… I’m too hooked dammit!).  I’d take a radio that picked up a music station that would play ANYTHING, a 50 year supply of C batteries for my radio, and a whiffle ball.  No seriously, I always have a whiffle ball nearby to throw around, bounce off palm trees, it’s my “OK, I’m REALLY bored now” go-to.  If Tom Hanks can have a volleyball, I can have a whiffle ball on my island.

3.  What would you do if I showed up at your house in a chicken suit with a potato gun and asked if you could come out to play?

Stephen King never imagined this kind of creepiness….

Put on my squirrel suit and get my slingshot, duh!

4. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be, and why? (Or not why. Some things are self-explanatory.)

I’d let my true personality come out like it does online.  I don’t know if the world would be ready to handle it, but it would be fun to see….

5. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be, and why?

I am one of those people who only seemed to be bothered by the little insignificant things, so no Miss America answer here.  I think I’d pass a law requiring reality shows to actually be real.  It’s bad enough the genre has completely ruined television as we know it, but they’ve gotten away with that grossly misleading label long enough now.

6. What’s your favorite thing about writing a blog?

Meeting chicks!!!

Making total strangers from all over the world laugh.  I have people among my following from Canada, the UK, Australia, and probably a few other countries as well!  I find that to be unbelievably cool!  And I learn stuff from them too, like not to talk about someone’s “fanny” in England, and my new favorite catchphrase, “FAIR DINKUM!!!”

7. What is your favorite food?

Definitely not el jamón…

If the world ever ran out of chicken, I would starve.  Fried and burnt, just how I like everything…

8. If you had one super power, what would it be?

Lame ass answer, but flying.  I have the occasional flying dream, and even deep in REM sleep the experience is so cool…

9. Do you reheat leftover pizza, or eat it cold?

Neither, I haven’t eaten pizza in over 25 years.

Sorry, just doesn’t look very appetizing to me….

10. If I asked you really nicely and offered you my favorite pen, would you give me your pants?

What pants?

11. Coming up with 11 random questions is hard. If you were me, what would you ask you? Please do that here and then answer it.

“Do you really want to answer an 11th question?” – No, I really don’t.

Whew!  Now I have to come up with my own questions!  Let’s see what squirts out of the brain….

1. What do you like to do when you’re not on the computer?
2. If you had a traveling show, and I paid to see it, how would you entertain me?
3. What is your favorite number.  Note, I said favorite, not necessarily lucky.  I don’t believe in luck, remember?
4. What famous person would you most like to slap the living crap out of?
5. If you could be any animal, what would you be?
6. Do you think Pluto should be restored to planet status?
7. If you inherited a billion dollars tomorrow, what’s the first thing you would buy?
8. Then what would you buy for me?
9. What’s your sign? (I don’t believe in astrology myself, but thanks to an ES art project I did a couple years ago, I do find it to be fascinating)
10. What one former possession that you no longer have would you give almost anything to have back?
11. If a squirrel came up to you, would you scritch it?

Be honest now!

Woohoo!!!  We’re into the homestretch now!  Just gotta spread the love a little bit.  This is going to be hard, because I really HATE to impose on people, and despise anything that resembles a chain letter since most of the contents of chain mail (especially emails) are pure 100% unadulturated bullshit… but at least it gives Snopes something to keep themselves busy.

In going with the older version of the Liebster rules, as I see most others have, I’ll just nominate a handful of my followers who I know do not surpass the 200 follower limit, and whose blogs I truly enjoy reading.  And don’t feel pressured into accepting the award’s terms if you don’t want to, I won’t feel slighted, I promise….

Gentle Stitches – My Aussie aunt!  Her craft projects are awesome and anything but mundane and boring.  FAIR DUNKUM!

Life Intensity – Vengeance’s blog, detailing the ups and downs of her life, quite an interesting perspective.  SQUIRREL!!!!

The Pensive Squirrel – A grey squirrel struggles to overcome his nut addiction.  The only site with more cute squirrel pictures than my own!

The Vampire Maman – I have no idea how many followers Juliette has, but I’m going to nominate her anyway!  A look inside the life of the modern vampire family is indeed quite interesting!

Pissed Off In Paradise – Leila’s sarcasm and relationship issues make for lots of hilarity, and one unsatisfied pool boy!

I DID IT!!!

Well, now that wasn’t so bad now, was it?  I have earned my very first blog award, and will proudly display it for all eternity!  Thanks to everyone who made this possible… yes, even you folks who are constantly searching for Spongebob porn!  Squirrel fans rock!