The moment you’ve been waiting for all year long has finally arrived! It’s time for The Nest to honor the best search terms that led people to this site with the first annual Sandy Awards! The Sandy Award, modeled after my original squirrel girl character Sandy, is so named because of the mega-multitude of searches involving people looking for naughty images of Sandy Cheeks and Spongebob which for some reason brought those people to my blog. Because these searches have been awarded the ultimate honor of eponymy, all Sandy and Spongebob searches have thus been retired from consideration from these awards. Apologies in advance to any preves out there who are disappointed by this news.
We have a great show lined up for you this year! Along with the presentation of the very first Sandys, we’ve also lined up a star studded cast of entertainers to keep the show exciting. The Singing Angry Young Squirrel will join up with Adele for a duet, Wattle the glove squirrel will perform interpretive dance, the hilarious Leila will perform her side-splitting routine Comedy in Paradise, and for the finale we’ll get to see Skanki Skankova attempt to put ten baseballs in her mouth at once while Buster Possum plays “The William Tell Overture” on his armpit.
Well, let’s get on with it, shall we? I went through my all-time list of search terms that led people to my blog and picked out my favorites. I’ve taken those finalists and divided them into several categories, and for each category I’ll first list the runners up and along with any snarky comments, I will try to figure out why that search set led to The Nest. Then I will award the hardware to my favorite from each category. I’m saving one set of terms for last, my favorite of the year, and it will win the Best Search Term Sandy for 2012! Now, let’s have our first awards category of the night, and the favorite of Alex Trebek….
Ever since some butler named Jeeves thought he was Mr. Know-It-All, people everywhere have been turning to search engines to ask the tough questions in life. Momma always told you there was no such thing as a stupid question, but these questions will challenge that famous parental advice and battle it out for the very first Sandy Award. Let’s see the runners up first….
can sundae be pronounced as sunduh? – Why yes, yes it can!!! I mentioned this regional pronunciation of “sundae” in my You Can’t Make A Difference post in August, and I’m glad to see that post did in fact make a difference by confirming this person’s most excellent question!
what is the best thing to post on a girl facebook? – I have no idea where this search may have led to on my blog, but I do have an answer for this poor lonely boy: A picture of your junk.
if a squirrel was an angel what would his name be? – The same as if he were a devil, or course.
are red squirrels evil?
when is nest doomsday? – Hmmmm, this seems like a threat! It’s a good thing I posted my thoughts on apocalyptic predictions a few weeks ago, or this assassin would never have been brought to my attention!
And the award goes to……
do they have sex in the cool world? – Wow… I sure wish I could answer that for you, but the world I live in is anything but cool. I think if I watched
more any reality shows, I might know whether the cool world is a-rockin’ or not. Sorry I couldn’t be more help to you, but in consolation, please accept the very first Sandy Award for the best question of the year!
OK, now that we have the first trophy out of the way, let’s next take some time to honor those who know exactly what they are looking for, even if they don’t know exactly where to find it…..
No beating around the bush here…. let’s see the runners up for the pickiest search of the year!
images of funny squirrels with guns in their hands with quotes – Squirrels, check! Guns, check! Quotes, check! Funny…… oh, damn! Sorry dude, you want some other blog.
thermometer showing 109 degrees – The only thing more bizarre than the search itself is that there was actually a SECOND search for a thermometer at 109! Yes, it was a long, hot summer, but it must have fried everyone the exact same dose of silly….
funny horse related cartoon strips with 6 blocks in it – I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that a search for comics with 6 blocks wound up at the Nest since unless search engines have now developed artificial intelligence (and I wouldn’t put that past Google), there’s no way one would know all of my comics use exactly 6 blocks. I also don’t think I’ve had any “horse related” comics either, and since my crappy sketches of Rainbow Donkey barely look like a unicorn, let alone a horse, I really gotta wonder why this guy got led here in the first place.
kids at boring recess – I’m pretty sure the only time I ever mentioned recess on this blog was in my Random Thoughts post from October, and at that I certainly didn’t call it boring. What kind of persons goes looking for kids at a boring recess, except maybe for pedophiles. I’m forwarding this one to Chris Hansen.
And the award goes to…..
rainbowunicornsand squirrels.com – If such a site actually exists, it must be awesome. If not, I really need to beat Norfolk Sam to registering it!
Moving right along… we’ve already taken a look at some of my favorite search term questions, but sometimes these questions are put in a slightly different form, and those queries get a Sandy all to their own….
Since most people don’t have access to Bob Vila, they have to rely on the internet to help them do something that they don’t teach you in school because it’s incredibly stupid. Let’s check out the runners up in this category. How now, brown cow?
how to kill a squirrel in 60 seconds – This seems like a bad game show gimmick. It’s bad enough you feel like you have to kill a squirrel, but that it must be done in under 60 seconds!?!? Luckily, this person is probably also a good candidate for a Darwin Award.
how to draw redd squirrel at birth – For those of you who were unaware, Redd Squirrel was the understudy of the more famous portrayer of Fred G. Sanford. Redd Squirrel could often be seen freaking out on a tree branch, paw clutched over his chest, crying out “Oh! This is the little one!” And Redd Squirrel is difficult to draw at birth because he came into this world already in full, scraggly beard.
how much decon to kill a squirrle – One box.
how to kill a squirrel nest – See above. Remember, nests may consume a lethal dose in one feeding, with first dead nests appearing after 4 to 5 days.
And the award goes to…..
how to get a squirrel out of an icebox – Some might say I only picked this one because of the fact that someone else out there who uses the term “icebox” instead of refrigerator found my blog…. and they’d be right. However, the thought of a squirrel getting into someone’s icebox is a pleasant thought in and of itself, and it obviously happened, after all, someone got on their computer and searched for it! Well done, good sir (or madam), and please remember to keep your shiny new Sandy Award in the crisper…
Time to move on to our smallest category of the year….
The internet is full of knowledge, after all, that’s why it was once called the information superhighway. Sometimes that knowledge comes in the form of wise sayings. A penny saved is a penny earned. If ifs ands and buts were candy and nuts, all the children would have a Merry Christmas. And some of these sayings people were looking for….
squirrels are people too – So true, so true. It’s time people recognized this… and since squirrels are people too, that goes for you too, rodents!
lazy ass welfare people sayings – I’m not even sure I’ve uttered the word “welfare” on this blog prior to just now, but I’m really really glad it led someone here, because seeing that somebody searched for this cracked my lazy ass up!
And the award goes to…..
always be yourself unless you can be a unicorn –
Who can argue with this, since obviously being a unicorn would be the coolest thing ever. Well, I guess it would suck if you got stuck in your car because your horn impaled the roof, but if you were a unicorn you wouldn’t need to drive! Just gallop like the wind until you were turned into this:
Moving right along so this awards show doesn’t exceed its five hour time limit….
It’s obvious that most of the people who typed the searches that made it into this awards post have some serious issues. After seeing the entries in this category, however, it’s quite obvious these people needs some professional help, or at least some Sandy recognition…
pictures of squirrel holding a condom – Why? I’m not even sure a squirrel would know what to do with a rubber if it found one. But it’s good to know that when you are out there appreciating squirrels, at least you’re insisting on protection, and that’s a good thing because just ask MBRS what it’s like to have the rodent form of gonorrhea….
funny comics about periods – As much as I’d like to think this query was about a punctuation mark, I can’t think of any reason there would be a comic about a little dot at the end of a sentence. Give me time, mister, and I’m sure I’ll have a comic that revolves around tampoons…
kill the squirrel –
a squirrel pooped on my car – Do you really need to resort to Google to figure out how to remove squirrel doodoo from your car, or were you just looking to vent to a variety of websites out there who really couldn’t give a crap about that your Yugo got shat on?
evil party girls – I have no idea how you wound up here, but I do have plenty of evil party squirrels you can borrow.
the evil politicians are going down election day 2012 – I’m not a fan of political talk, and I certainly don’t know how you found my blog. But when the Secret Service hunts down your IP and hauls you off to Guantanamo Bay, I pity your soul.
october squirrel awareness month is really dumb –
funny death comics – Hey, cartoon violence is awesome! And as “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” taught us, cartoon characters never really die anyway! Coming this Thursday, Buster goes apeshit with a pair of tweezers!
And the award goes to…..
evil squirrels are after my nuts -Congratulations on coming up with the wrongest search of them all. Not to ruin your paranoia, since everyone really is out to get you, but those aren’t evil squirrels after your nuts. Those are evil crabs. That condom didn’t help you there, now did it?
And now, a few special Sandy Awards to hand out to some deserving search categories that were so numerous that they were not taken into consideration for a regular award….
Eveready Cat – I must be the only place out there on the internet that has ever mentioned the black cat in the Eveready battery logo. I did this in my Friday the 13th post back in April because it was one of the few feline corporate icons that was all black. I still occasionally get a search for the Eveready cat 8 months later….
Pepe le Pew – I mentioned him as one of the few examples of a famous skunk in my tribute to the species back in September. who knew that one little blurb would get me so many searches for Pepe… maybe he isn’t that popular after all, no?
What does Aubrey O’Day’s necklace say on The Apprentice? – My comparison of MBRS to Aubrey back in April coincided with Aubrey appearing on Celebrity Apprentice, and I guess on one particular episode she was wearing a necklace that had some saying on it that wasn’t quite clear, because for the next 48 hours, my site lit up with hits from search engines with terms all essentially asking what her necklace said. Given that my own Google search shows pictures of her wearing necklaces with all kinds of different names on them, this is a mystery that will just have to remain unsolved, for now…
Is the $25 itunes gift card for instagram survey a hoax? – If I was giving out a real award for this category, this one would be the clear winner. The reason my tribute to email spam I did back in August is my second most popular post after the infamous XXX Marks the Spot is largely because I’ve had literally HUNDREDS of hits here thanks to people who also got that email spam but weren’t sure if it was legit. It amazes me…. and not just because I’m the only person left in America who has no idea what Instagram even is.
OK, let’s get back into the real categories! Only two more to go before we get to the overall winner! Now, let’s take a walk on the wild side and look at some of the kinkiest non-Sandy and Spongebob searches that brought people and their one free hand to my blog!
OK Spinderella, let’s talk about sex, baby!
preverted comics – It’s funny how I was sure “preverted” was just a term we used in my family, but it turns out lots of people use it, and no matter how many times I see the E and R reversed, it still cracks me up. Yes, here at The Nest, we specialize in preverted comics!
cartoon airplane porn – Sure, someone was probably searching for cartoons centering around joining the mile high club. That’s not what I see, though. I see someone who’s an even bigger prevert than my Sandyphiles getting off to this:
most sexiest nude cartoon in the world – There’s sexy, sexier, sexiest, and then there’s most sexiest. I’ll let the girls fight it out over who is the most sexiest, but when it comes to epic sexy, Buster’s got the market cornered on that.
my little pony nackt porn – I could do a whole essay on just how insanely prevalent My Little Pony is in the cartoon/furry porn world, but since I’m definitely NOT a “brony”, instead I’ll just treat you to this cute little limerick one of my message board friends who goes by Estonut devised after I remarked about this set of search terms over there one day….
There were two nackt ponies from Nanckt,
Their members were horribly banckt,
When the mares spied ’em,
They couldn’t quite hide ’em,
So, instead of bonking, they wanckt.
kiss me where i pee – Eeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!! That is just plain disgusting!
slut dog comics – I really do need to work Skanki into my comic series more….
edmonton slut whore girls – One can only ponder why in the hell Wayne Gretzky would have ever wanted to leave now…
And the award goes to…..
kitty porn tv – I am speechless, though I have no doubt this idea has been tossed around by the same network execs who gave us Jersey Shore and Honey Boo Boo….
One more category to go… and we saved the best for last!
These searches are all real head scratchers. If you can figure out what they were trying to look for, then you’re one up on me… and probably should be confined to a mental institution that still uses shock therapy….
squirrel safe drawing – Drawings that are safe for squirrels? Drawings of a squirrel opening a safe? Drawings of a squirrel sliding into home? Beats the hell out of me.
kfc bitch & kentucky fried chicken bitch – Yes, I really did get these as separate searches, a month or so apart. I’m not sure what Colonel Sanders has to do with bitches… the only thing I know for sure was that the juxtaposition of me talking about KFC while also uttering the phrase “Bitch, please!” in my You Can’t Make a Difference post is what brought both of these searches my way…
evil day set – What is an evil day anyway? Monday? Do evil days really come in sets? What in the hell is this supposed to mean?
ninja cupcakes cartoon – You’ll never see them until they attack your waistline!
sagittarius and squirrels – I got a handful of zodiac sign searches because I uploaded a number of my “posters” I drew for my zodiac project a couple years ago. This one was the most baffling, as I have no idea what squirrels have to do with Sagittarius. But I hope they weren’t disappointed when they found Hottie instead…
black and white squirrel from bambi –
i need him to love me – And if he doesn’t, then what? Will you fire the poolboy?
sandy the squirrel inside hurricane sandy – The only Sandy related search I allowed because of its WTFness.
the squirrels the mangy thing betheham – This search came in a day or two after Christmas. I’m not sure what it means, but I’ll bet JHC is not amused….
And the award goes to…..
i had a dream of trying to kill an evil squirrel and it turned out to be a baby – It looks like my dumbass I showcased in the Trick or Skeet post from October has internet access from prison! Evil squirrels and babies can be quite confusing, even in a dreamworld, so proceed with caution before you put out the decon….
And now ladies and gentlemen, the moment you’ve been waiting all year for! The awarding of the Best Search Sandy!
This wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be, because while I had many interesting and funny search terms that brought people to my blog, in the end, none of them really stood head and shoulders above the rest. But I still have a duty to pick out the best of the bunch, and that winner is……
free pussy squirrel
My send up to the whole Pussy Riot scandal back in August wasn’t quite as popular as I thought it would be, but it did snare this search term just a couple weeks ago, and it made me laugh enough to honor it with the very first Best Overall Sandy Award! Congrats, anonymous searcher! A winner is YOU!
Well, the light in the Applause sign has burned out, and it’s time to wrap up this year’s Sandy Awards show! We hope you enjoyed the telecast, and we look forward to seeing you back at this time next year! Let’s make 2013 another crazy year for internet searches that lead to The Nest!