Beat The Clock

In lieu of tips, I'll take Beggin Strips...

In lieu of tips, I’ll take Beggin Strips…

Pizza is one of those great American foods that I just don’t really care for, but a lot of other flashback fridaypeople sure do.  Pizza chains are a dime a dozen, and no doubt there’s probably about five to ten pizza places in your hometown who will gladly deliver their freshly baked wares to your door.  Heck, what pizza place doesn’t deliver?  For whatever reason, pizzas were declared to be more deliverable than burgers in styrofoam cartons or buckets of greasy chicken.  The pizza delivery man is practically a staple of American culture, and someone you don’t want to mess with.  Not only does he work for tips, but he has to do his job and do it fast…

This looks like a safe speed in this residential neighborhood...

This looks like a safe speed in this residential neighborhood…

Domino’s Pizza was one of the pioneers in the business of pizza delivery, and during the 70’s and 80’s, they were well known for their guarantee that if your pizza wasn’t delivered within 30 minutes of you placing your order, you got the pizza at no cost.  What a brilliant marketing concept!  Even if you can’t be bothered to start up the car and drive down to the pizza place, they will still ensure that you have a hot, delicious pizza sitting on your table within half an hour!  What could possibly be bad about that?

Thank you Domino's for including the free appetizer for me!

Thank you Domino’s for including the free appetizer for me!

Well, for one thing, it’s bad enough you put your drivers on a strict time limit where they might have to deliver a pizza five miles across town in less than ten minutes.  Combine that with the fact that many pizza delivery drivers were inexperienced teens and young men with lead feet, and it couldn’t have been a more toxic mixture for a road safety disaster if there was a bong built into the dashboard and the windshield was covered in unicorn shit.

Bombs away!

Bombs away!

The wreckage and the bodies piled up for several decades, all in the name of fast, freshly delivered pizza.  Finally in the early 90’s, after two big multi-million dollar lawsuits against Domino’s involving crashes their delivery drivers got into, the chain dropped the guarantee… and we would assume, they also informed their drivers they no longer had to cruise through town like a maniac on crack…

Ummmm... didn't we order this last week?

Ummmm… didn’t we order this last week?

Yeah, right.  I pass by a Domino’s store on my way to work each night, and I still get blown by and cut off by their drivers all the time.  If you ever wanted to race cars for a living and get the adrenaline rush of going at high speeds on non-closed courses, but thought being a NASCAR driver was too dangerous, you should get into the booming world of pizza delivery.  And if you aren’t a fan of handling pizza, there’s another fast food chain out there that is carrying on the fine tradition of reckless driving that Domino’s started!

Mustangs so fast you'll freak!

Mustangs so fast you’ll freak!

Jimmy John’s has become the new standard in “freaky fast” delivery that cares only that you get your sandwich in a very timely manner, and not for whatever collateral damage may arise from that.  Is it really that imperative that when we order food from a restaurant that we expect to have delivered to our home or office that it must arrive in two shakes of a possum’s tail?  If you’re that hungry, try looking in the icebox fridge for something edible, and if that fails, I’m sure mold is full of healthy nutrients.

Guaranteed to kill most forms of venereal disease.

Guaranteed to kill most forms of venereal disease.

We live in an impatient society, and because of that we will always have businesses issue speedy service guarantees, even if it means putting the public in grave danger to accomplish.  For that bold, forward thinking idea of putting customer satisfaction first and innocent lives second, we at The Nest would like to pull off the road and salute Domino’s Pizza for their classic 30 minute guarantee!  Thank you for feeding the hungry in the good ol’ U.S. of A. who couldn’t wait a few extra minutes to begin cramming pizza down their starving throats.  However, if you don’t mind, tonight we’re going to play it safe and just eat in…

And save on the tip!

And save on the tip!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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16 Responses to Beat The Clock

  1. merbear74 says:

    What about a bong built into the dashboard?

  2. Pizza. The default food when all else fails. I keep a frozen one in the house so I don’t have to call anyone. I don’t love it either, but there are days when I like cooking even less … and anyone, even Garry, can shove a frozen pizza in the oven.

    Around here, nobody hurries. We don’t even ask “how long?” We just assume “eventually” 🙂

  3. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Jimmy John’s doesn’t deliver here.

    Considering pizza is now ordered online or via a phone app, we don’t even pay attention to the delivery times because we don’t want to log back into the system.

  4. acuriousgal says:

    Pizza for dinner tomorrow night…it’s my day off from cooking, yippee

  5. gentlestitches says:

    I don’t “get” pizza. It doesn’t seem like a real meal to me. You can get it delivered though even here on good ol dinkum island (apparently) 🙂

  6. draliman says:

    I’d be no good as a pizza delivery guy. By the time I got to the destination the box would be half empty and I’d be wiping pizza topping off my face.
    Mmm, pizza.

  7. C.K. Hope says:

    We have one Pizza place in town. It just started delivery last year and only within village limits. Guess who lives outside the village? Welcome to hicksville where there is no delivery of anything other than the mail. Forget any other fast food places too, by the time I drove to pick up Micky D’s (which is gross anyhow) it would be cold by the time I got it home. Ahhhhh rural life! But at least it’s quiet 😉

  8. …and now I want pizza…

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