Nobody likes junk mail. I’d say that’s a pretty universal truth. Yet there must still be suckers out there who respond to it, otherwise companies wouldn’t still spend the money on this outdated marketing tool, and the United States Postal Service would go out of business.
One of the things about direct mail advertising that makes it one of the least effective ways to market your product is that it’s hard to focus your ads on your target audience. If you were selling Mr. Clean douche with Febreze, you probably wouldn’t blindly choose networks like ESPN or Spike to advertise your product on. Not a lot of men are in the market for a new douche, although if there are any dudes out there reading this post who happen to douche, then I’d like to state for the record that there’s nothing wrong with that now.
The cost effectiveness of direct mail advertising can be a burden to the profit margins of businesses out there who employ it recklessly, but what about groups in the non-profit sector. Oh hell, they don’t care. And the worst one of the bunch is without a doubt the American Association of Retired Persons…. who you know better as AARP.
Just hearing the name is enough to accelerate the graying process…
This is far from the first time AARP has sent me recruitment letters. Heck, I get one about every month. Mind you, I just turned 38 last month, and the minimum age to join AARP is FIFTY. I may not feel as young as I used to, but my fifties still aren’t on my radar yet, thank you very much. And it isn’t like I’m the only person well below joining age to get these letters, plenty of other folks even younger than me get inundated with them as well. This is blind squirrel advertising that is not only insane, but completely annoying to those who want no part of this organization due to the most important criteria needed to join in the first place.
When dealing with non-profit organizations, I’m one of those people who wants to know that my money is going to go towards things that are actually beneficial. Spending who knows how much on mass shot-in-the-dark junk mail is not what I consider a very smart use of funds. If nothing else, receiving untold hundreds of these invitations from AARP while in my twenties and thirties are going to make me much LESS likely to join when I hit the big Five-Oh. All that money spent on such a pointless marketing campaign could better be spent on more programs that will benefit the elderly, like adult diaper changing stations in restrooms.
So since AARP has pissed me off to the point of writing this post in the first place, I’m going to entertain their proposal they sent me by having my in-house old folk and curmudgeon Nabob critique the various points of the letter AARP included to try and entice me sign up with them 12 years prematurely. Take it away, Porkypine!
Well, shit! I’ve already lost the card you just sent me. I guess I’m fucked until that Membership Kit arrives, assuming my neighbor doesn’t steal it out of my mailbox like he does my mail order Viagra. Maybe if you’d have sent me that Mini Day Bag first, I’d have been more organized. That’s OK, I’ll wait a few weeks to indulge in those wonderful member benefits you offer, like discounts on knee high stockings and denture polishing.
Oh boy, I can’t wait to see what I get for $16 worth of my Social Security money that ES worked hard for me to earn…
That’s just Jim Dandy since I’ve been alone for 50 years now. Do any of those member benefits happen to include dating services for the chronically old? I could sure use someone around here to cook and clean for me. Send photo and vaccination records.
The only magazines that have ever made me feel great and have fun came with a centerfold, so I’m assuming this is the large print version of Hustler. This is tempting… I always wanted to know if Betty White was as hot nekkid as she looks clothed.
Good. I’ll need all of that after I’m done with my AARP The Magazine.
Why is it that you assume that just because I’m old as dirt, that I must enjoy reading? I’m sure this informative periodical will come in handy for lining the litter box of my pet Pigladillo…
Bah, I already know how to get discounts on most of that stuff without having to fork over $16 for you to use on recruitment drives at middle schools. Like many old people, I’ve found that when you bitch out the manager over every little thing that goes wrong, you can get deep discounts. Sometimes 100% discounts. And if nothing went wrong, make shit up. I haven’t paid a hotel bill since the last time I put a quarter in the vibrating bed back in 1963…
Right on. I love spending my money on lobbyists, who enjoy spending my money on hookers for Congressmen. You keep right on fighting for that Social Security and Medicare. ES already knows he won’t be getting a dime of that, even for $16 a month.
Thanks for circling the total for me since I’d have never seen it myself due to these Cadillac sized cataracts. I love it when sleazy salesmen make it look like I’m getting so much for free, when in fact I’m paying for every single damn perk I get since they all factored into the cost of my membership fee. And because I’m old, I’ve been around the block a few times, so I know that membership fee is gonna skyrocket as soon as my trial is over. I wish there was an organization that would fight for the rights of people over 50 who are subjected to bullshit like this….
Just what I need, a bag to lug around a bunch of unimportant shit so I can aggravate my lumbago. And with my memory the way it is, I’ll end up leaving it somewhere and forgetting about it. Then all these pussified young whippersnappers frolicking about nowadays will think it’s a bomb and evacuate 73 city blocks just because some old geezer had another senior moment. At least it might finally get me on the cover of the Rolling Stone.
Oh heaven forbid, a mail-in envelope wouldn’t be complete without those reminders that nobody pays a bit of attention to…
Yes, I remembered to include my membership form when I was taking my trash down to the curb. What’s this about not accepting cash? Us old folks pay for everything with money from under our mattresses, and I made damn sure to include $8 of the dues in change. Next time, could you please send a larger envelope so I can get rid of more of these wheat pennies?
Thank you Nabob for contributing to today’s Random Rant. To show my appreciation, I won’t poop on your lawn this week….