The Old Grey Squirrel

Never insult the elderly

Nobody likes junk mail.  I’d say that’s a pretty universal truth.  Yet there must still be suckers out there who respond to it, otherwise companies wouldn’t still spend the money on this outdated marketing tool, and the United States Postal Service would go out of business.

buster possum mail

We deliver for you!

random rant One of the things about direct mail advertising that makes it one of the least effective ways to market your product is that it’s hard to focus your ads on your target audience.  If you were selling Mr. Clean douche with Febreze, you probably wouldn’t blindly choose networks like ESPN or Spike to advertise your product on.  Not a lot of men are in the market for a new douche, although if there are any dudes out there reading this post who happen to douche, then I’d like to state for the record that there’s nothing wrong with that now.

You smell like pickles, Buster...

You smell like pickles, Buster…

The cost effectiveness of direct mail advertising can be a burden to the profit margins of businesses out there who employ it recklessly, but what about groups in the non-profit sector.  Oh hell, they don’t care.  And the worst one of the bunch is without a doubt the American Association of Retired Persons…. who you know better as AARP.

Just hearing the name is enough to accelerate the graying process…

Congratulations, Evil Squirrel!  We have deemed you to be OLD!

Congratulations, Evil Squirrel! We have deemed you to be OLD!

This is far from the first time AARP has sent me recruitment letters.  Heck, I get one about every month.  Mind you, I just turned 38 last month, and the minimum age to join AARP is FIFTY.  I may not feel as young as I used to, but my fifties still aren’t on my radar yet, thank you very much.  And it isn’t like I’m the only person well below joining age to get these letters, plenty of other folks even younger than me get inundated with them as well.  This is blind squirrel advertising that is not only insane, but completely annoying to those who want no part of this organization due to the most important criteria needed to join in the first place.

the squirrel twins!

Hey Sully! I was just invited to join AARP and the Squirrel Scouts in the same day!

When dealing with non-profit organizations, I’m one of those people who wants to know that my money is going to go towards things that are actually beneficial.  Spending who knows how much on mass shot-in-the-dark junk mail is not what I consider a very smart use of funds.  If nothing else, receiving untold hundreds of these invitations from AARP while in my twenties and thirties are going to make me much LESS likely to join when I hit the big Five-Oh.  All that money spent on such a pointless marketing campaign could better be spent on more programs that will benefit the elderly, like adult diaper changing stations in restrooms.

What was that!?!?  Do I have to go fetch a switch off the willow tree?

What was that!?!? Do I have to go fetch a switch off the willow tree?

So since AARP has pissed me off to the point of writing this post in the first place, I’m going to entertain their proposal they sent me by having my in-house old folk and curmudgeon Nabob critique the various points of the letter AARP included to try and entice me sign up with them 12 years prematurely.  Take it away, Porkypine!

aarp column

Well, shit!  I’ve already lost the card you just sent me.  I guess I’m fucked until that Membership Kit arrives, assuming my neighbor doesn’t steal it out of my mailbox like he does my mail order Viagra.  Maybe if you’d have sent me that Mini Day Bag first, I’d have been more organized.  That’s OK, I’ll wait a few weeks to indulge in those wonderful member benefits you offer, like discounts on knee high stockings and denture polishing.

aarp checks007

Oh boy, I can’t wait to see what I get for $16 worth of my Social Security money that ES worked hard for me to earn…

aarp checks006

That’s just Jim Dandy since I’ve been alone for 50 years now.  Do any of those member benefits happen to include dating services for the chronically old?  I could sure use someone around here to cook and clean for me.  Send photo and vaccination records.

aarp checks005

The only magazines that have ever made me feel great and have fun came with a centerfold, so I’m assuming this is the large print version of Hustler.  This is tempting… I always wanted to know if Betty White was as hot nekkid as she looks clothed.

aarp checks004

Good.  I’ll need all of that after I’m done with my AARP The Magazine.

aarp checks003

Why is it that you assume that just because I’m old as dirt, that I must enjoy reading?  I’m sure this informative periodical will come in handy for lining the litter box of my pet Pigladillo…

aarp checks002

Bah, I already know how to get discounts on most of that stuff without having to fork over $16 for you to use on recruitment drives at middle schools.  Like many old people, I’ve found that when you bitch out the manager over every little thing that goes wrong, you can get deep discounts.  Sometimes 100% discounts.  And if nothing went wrong, make shit up.  I haven’t paid a hotel bill since the last time I put a quarter in the vibrating bed back in 1963…

aarp checks008

Right on.  I love spending my money on lobbyists, who enjoy spending my money on hookers for Congressmen.  You keep right on fighting for that Social Security and Medicare.  ES already knows he won’t be getting a dime of that, even for $16 a month.

aarp checks001

Thanks for circling the total for me since I’d have never seen it myself due to these Cadillac sized cataracts.  I love it when sleazy salesmen make it look like I’m getting so much for free, when in fact I’m paying for every single damn perk I get since they all factored into the cost of my membership fee.  And because I’m old, I’ve been around the block a few times, so I know that membership fee is gonna skyrocket as soon as my trial is over.  I wish there was an organization that would fight for the rights of people over 50 who are subjected to bullshit like this….

aarp mini bag

Just what I need, a bag to lug around a bunch of unimportant shit so I can aggravate my lumbago.  And with my memory the way it is, I’ll end up leaving it somewhere and forgetting about it.  Then all these pussified young whippersnappers frolicking about nowadays will think it’s a bomb and evacuate 73 city blocks just because some old geezer had another senior moment.  At least it might finally get me on the cover of the Rolling Stone.

Oh heaven forbid, a mail-in envelope wouldn’t be complete without those reminders that nobody pays a bit of attention to…

aarp reminder

Yes, I remembered to include my membership form when I was taking my trash down to the curb.  What’s this about not accepting cash?  Us old folks pay for everything with money from under our mattresses, and I made damn sure to include $8 of the dues in change.  Next time, could you please send a larger envelope so I can get rid of more of these wheat pennies?

Rats!  I wonder if AARP will take $13.84 if I tell them to cram their newspaper up someone's ass?

Rats! I wonder if AARP will take $13.84 if I tell them to cram their newspaper up someone’s ass?

Thank you Nabob for contributing to today’s Random Rant.  To show my appreciation, I won’t poop on your lawn this week….

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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17 Responses to The Old Grey Squirrel

  1. draliman says:

    I’ve lost count of the number of envelopes which come through my door with “Are you aged 50-80?” emblazoned on the front.
    Nope, I’m not.
    I don’t know where they get their demographics data from, but neither are any of my neighbours.
    At least since it’s written on the front I know I can chuck it without wasting 20 seconds of my precious life opening it.

    • It’s about as poorly targeted as people who send out spam email… but at least that’s free. I can’t imagine paying to have advertising sent out that isn’t even of concern to half of the people it reaches…

  2. Kate Sparkes says:

    “Congratulations! Please accept this gift basket filled with useful items, like information on breast-feeding, formula samples, diapers, a too-mini-to-be-useful backpack, and your new baby’s AARP application!” -package sent home from the hospital with new mothers

    *shudder* That douche thing made me think of the old Lysol ads.

  3. merbear74 says:

    I do so enjoy a good rant. This was a good rant, as Jim Dandy as they come. 😉

  4. C.K. Hope says:

    I don’t get these yet and I’m older than you, which makes me feel as though I should be getting these and now I’m offended. What, I’m not good enough to be solicited by AARP junk mail? The bastards.

    • I’ll send you some of my packets… I’m sure these offers would be transferable between the under 50 crowd! I didn’t show the snazzy temporary AARP card they send in all of these, but they compliment any wallet or purse!

  5. “AARP” sounds like the noise an annoyed elderly person would make. “AARP! Get off my lawn you kids!”

  6. psquirrel says:

    WOW they’re still at it! I remember getting solicitations from these guys when I was in my early 20’s! I guess they thought I was an ultra-successful individual who was retiring by age 25. =)

  7. I, too, was reminded of Lysol. Another wonderful rant, ES! My husband used to get those things from AARP, too, years before he would have been eligible. I guess they lost me, though – I’m 48 and haven’t seen one of those for myself in, like, twenty years? I almost thought they’d stopped shotgunning everyone, but I guess they didn’t.

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