Matchbook Cover University is a fictional institution of “higher learning” invented by some of us over on my message board to mock those schools that advertise how easy it is to get a diploma in your spare time by sending them a little money. It was meant in particular for one member of our board who seemed so damn proud of his new “degree” he got that he no doubt probably had to print off of a PDF file on his home computer. Welcome to the world of classless education, which is particularly booming in these days of the internet connecting us all together so we can collectively slack off…
These non traditional colleges were around even in the days before homework assignments were tweeted to students. One of the more infamous institutions that did a lot of advertising back in the early 90’s when I was watching a hell of a lot of late night TV was International Correspondence Schools, or ICS for short since some of their alumni couldn’t spell words that big. And to preach the good word of what ICS could do for high school dropouts everywhere who thought they’d never advance above fry cook, the school hired one of the most infamous TV commercial spokespeople of that era…
Sally Struthers is best known for portraying Archie Bunker’s daughter Gloria on “All in the Family”. However, to commercialphiles like myself, she is also famous for wandering through the filthiest ghettos of the Third World showing off her well-fedness to thousands of starving kids whose last meal consisted of a possum who wandered into their tent and died. Her bratty innocence and unmitigated gall made her the perfect choice to pitch the idea of taking college courses at home that no employer in their right mind would recognize…
How quaint that she asks interested viewers to get a pencil and paper out to write down the phone number since nobody out there had cellphones glued to their hands at the time. “And no saleman will visit you!” Damn, Sally, the days of the traveling salesman were long gone even in the 90’s! At least it was the fun days before signing up for something like this would get us all kinds of creepy Google ads…
It always amused me how many exciting and thrilling crafts were available to learn at ICS. But if it really weren’t possible to master these trades in the comfort of your own home, they never would have been in business, would they? Let’s take a look at some of ICS’s former students in each advertised field who became success stories!
ICS High School:
Child Day Care:
Medical/Dental Office Assistant:
Fitness and Nutrition:
And these are just a few of the many people who had their lives changed forever by picking up that phone and calling Sally Struthers for a few textbooks! The Nest would like to salute International Correspondence Schools, who taught us the value of learning a skilled trade on our own time, not some tenured, clueless professor’s. So if you’re still stuck in some dead end job with no time to hit the local campus, ICS is just the place for you to pick up that degree that will look lovely hanging in your
bathroom new office! You too can become a proud Fighting Flint!