Paging Colonel Sanders

Conveniently not located in New York.

Conveniently not located in New York.

Bwahahaha!!!  It’s Friday the 13th, my pretties, and it’s time for the next installment in my Millionaire Journey that promises to have more sequels than that Jason Vorhees franchise did.  If you thought last week’s episode was scary trying to survive the first hour at the Dumpire Hotel, we’re really going to turn up the horror for the occasion in this post!  Because we’re going to see what happens when the pickiest eater on the planet is faced with the challenge of finding sustenance in a city where practically everything edible the world over can be found within a two block radius.

Even everything inedible.

Even everything inedible.

One of the instructions contained in my contestant orientation package I picked up at the front desk was that I was to call the suite of the contestant coordinator upon my arrival and check in.

Yes, the phone in our room was actually in working order.

Yes, the phone in our room was actually in working order.

There was a contestant meeting I would have to attend in the coordinator’s “lush Empire suite” at 6:00 PM sharp.  After familiarizing ourselves with the shortcomings of our room, and seeing Florence the intruding maid out the door, me and my Dad had about an hour and a half to find some supper to tide us over for the day.  I was already dreading this necessary evil even before we ever set foot out onto 63rd Street to begin the search.  On every trip I have ever made before and since, I have always scouted out the area around the hotel for my comfort spots…. read, those ubiquitous fast food joints most tourists would want to avoid when away from home.  As expected, they are not particularly common to downtown Manhattan…

Mars has more restaurants I'll eat at than New York City does.

Mars has more restaurants I’ll eat at than New York City does.

Knowing I was probably going to strike out on a fast food joint, I focused my energy on finding my favorite thing to eat that can be found almost universally back home…. fried chicken.  I know New York City has about 3.6 delis per square block, and there isn’t a deli back where I come from that doesn’t keep some delicious fried chicken under a row of heat lamps warmed up in the window.  It might take a little walking, but surely I’d find one to satisfy my fried fowl craving.

Sorry, sir, we can't help you.  But would you like to try the marlin?

Sorry, sir, we can’t help you. But would you like to try the marlin?

A tour of the delis on the Empire’s block turned up nothing even remotely resembling fried chicken.  That first circuit even took us past Fordham University’s law school… surely there’d be a wider selection of American food to refill the tanks of all these future ambulance chasers.  But alas… there were just more glorified Subways and eateries containing cuisine I probably couldn’t pronounce, or want anywhere near my mouth.

Ummmm.... no thanks!  I'll just live off my belly fat.

Ummmm…. no thanks! I’ll just live off my belly fat.

Upon making it back around to the Empire with still empty stomachs, I started to get the glare from my Dad.  My family’s had to put up with my picky ass for years now.  I am the anti-Mikey… I don’t like much of anything.  I fit George Carlin’s description of a “fussy eater” to a tee…

My Dad pointed to a restaurant across the street… let’s at least look at the menu, he implored.  It was a fancy version of Houlihan’s, or Bennigan’s, or something of that nature.  We went inside and my Dad asked the penguin at the door for a menu.  The menu was passed with the snottiest of snotty waiter scowls.  He already knew we were going to hand it back and leave.  You can tell it’s not going to be an eatery for me if the menu prices are all listed as generic whole numbers after the description of each item.  Nothing says you’re going to be outrageously overpaying for dinner more than a lack of decimal points.

Now can I please have a ten dollar tip for you unwashed hillbillies wasting my time?

Now can I please have a ten dollar tip for you unwashed hillbillies wasting my time?

So the hunt for dinner continued on down 63rd Street.  My caveman ancestors probably never had to roam this far to find something to eat… and apparently not all of the fussy eaters from that prehistoric time were done in by natural selection, or maybe I’m just a genetic mutation hardheaded.  About five blocks down from the hotel, we finally came across a large deli… one that actually had a very wide selection of items!  I was excited and relieved, surely this place had the fried chicken I was looking for!

Or not.... blech!

Or not…. looks like a nice place to get a shit sandwich, though.

Seriously, I think this place had a wider selection than the Golden Corral buffet… but not a single thing that looked edible to me!  This is getting ridiculous!  Dad asked one of the workers there if there was any place near here where one could get some fried chicken.  Since New York delis apparently fall under the same labor codes as the transportation sector, 99,99994% of all deli workers in New York do not speak English as their native tongue.  All the question did was confuse the workers, and net us a series of shrugged shoulders.. apparently a universal gesture for “get the fuck out of our deli.”

And right back out on the street we went.


Breaking news:  Two New York City tourists were found dead on 63rd Street from an apparent case of starvation.

We were half a mile from the hotel, the hour of the contestant meeting was drawing near, and I made it perfectly clear to Dad that I was conceding supper.  Let’s just head back to the hotel… I’ll find a shop with some snacks, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve survived on chips and crap, and Dad can just get whatever he wants.  Dad was just starting to have leg problems from his diabeetus diabetes at that time that limited how long he could walk around, and my stubbornness had forced him to near his limit.  Not to mention it was a typical chilly January late afternoon with temperatures around 40 F, which made the futile hike even more miserable.  So back to the Empire we trudged, cold and hungry…and that’s when we noticed that the hotel had a little market attached to it that we’d somehow passed up the first time around.

Woohoo!  I'll have me some frozen possum please!

Woohoo! I’ll have me some frozen possum please!

It was one of those typical little grocery markets that can be found in a big city… this one run by an Asian family.  OK, I can pick up some snacks here, Dad can get what he wants, and we’re good!  Wait a minute… they have a buffet!  Erg… lots of the typical weird stuff that might be tasty overseas, but isn’t going to be satisfying this tummy anytime soon.  Wait, what’s this?  It kinda looks like chicken wings…. it’s definitely some kind of bird…. doesn’t seem to be fried, but also doesn’t look too disgusting not to eat.

Fuck it!  I finally found myself some dinner.  I scooped up a trayful of those things.  I don’t care what it really is, and I don’t want to know what it really is…

Some things are better left a mystery.

Some things are better left a mystery.

I will not starve on this trip!!!!  I’ve found some pseudo-chicken!!!

Didja like the unicorn wings, ES?

Didja like the unicorn wings, ES?

The mystery meat didn’t even taste that bad.  And it went perfectly with the small box of Ritz crackers I also bought at the Empire Market that put me back an entire five spot.  Seriously, with the cost of living in New York, I’m surprised I was the only one having trouble finding something to eat!


The only way to dine in the Big Apple!

Well, that was a fun trip around the Empire’s neighborhood!  And in my book, it even counts as sightseeing!  I’ve got cat dog possum squirrel unicorn dragon skunk rat pigeon chicken something in my stomach, and it’s just about time to head upstairs for the big contestant meeting!  I can’t wait to meet my competition…

I just hope there are no plumbers or architects in the bunch!

I just hope there are no plumbers or architects in the bunch!

Until we meet again next Friday!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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37 Responses to Paging Colonel Sanders

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    So this section of New York is essentially the school cafeteria of cuisine? Nice.

  2. crimsonowl63 says:

    Great, fun read and the post can’t lose with a pic of Weird Al. I’m glad you didn’t starve in the Big Apple. Did you see any apples? Maybe you could have eaten those, unless of course, you don’t like them…..Can’t wait for the next installment.

  3. merbear74 says:

    I’m a picky eater, too…despite that fact, I could live off of my belly fat for at least 2 months. I wish I could have visited NYC when I was still spry.
    And boy oh boy, can you draw out a yarn. 😉

    • I have all kinds of belly fat that used to belong to cows and chickens! Walking in New York City is interesting… and there’ll be another fun filled episode of us on walkabout in the future… perhaps by 2018 at this rate!

  4. Twindaddy says:

    Good ol’ mystery meat.

  5. markbialczak says:

    You couldn’t follow the glaring, bright lights to join Kramer and Jerry at Kenny Rogers’ chicken joint? I do believe that was open around the time of your Millionaire trek?

    • That must not have been in the part of NYC I was thrown into. I think if we’d have had more time before I had to be back to the hotel, we’d have eventually found someone to direct us to a great place for chicken, but since it was an unguided, impromptu walk in unfamiliar territory, what I got instead was another strange story I could milk for my saga!

      • markbialczak says:

        I do wonder what the little winged things you ate were. Great tale. I am digging this story, ESN.

      • They were actually bigger than your standard chicken wingette, which is what makes me wonder. Well, not wonder enough to know what it actually was though!

        And thanks, I am surprised how much I am looking forward to throwing it together every Thursday night! I didn’t realize until I started this saga how many really interesting things happened that really had nothing to do with my being a contestant at all!

  6. fanrosa says:

    What in the wide world of sports is Angel holding in her hand????

  7. I love New York. That being said, it’s easier to find something to eat in Uxbridge which has pretty much NO restaurants. Exotic is something I MAY want for dinner on a special night out … after getting a recommendation from a trusted friend who has actually eaten there. Lunch, for example … give me a sandwich or a couple of hot dogs or a burger and some fries. Mickey D’s will do just fine, thanks.

    You cannot get ANYTHING to eat in New York between 2:30 PM and 6 PM. Nothing. Nada. The ONLY places that serve anything — this includes room service at the hotel — are bars and the quality of their goodies is dubious. We won a trip to New York too. It was a great vacation … but we are not used to eating lunch on the stroke of noon. By the time we decided we were hungry, we had hit the No Food interval. Plunked in the exact center of Manhattan, we were surrounded by closed emporiums. So much for “New York never closes.” Yes it does. Every afternoon. Locked up like a bank vault and no one has the key!

  8. The Cutter says:

    There was no Kennedy Fried Chicken? Seems like a perfect place for a Kennedy Fried Chicken.

    • I had to look that up because at first I thought you were making some kind of joke off of Kentucky Fried Chicken that I wasn’t getting. I’ve honestly never heard of that chain before! Obviously, there wasn’t one around us…

  9. Ally Bean says:

    What an adventure that I would have missed because I was never allowed to be a fussy eater. My parents had no patience for such ideas, so we would have ended up in the nearest, cheapest coffee shop. And missed all of your fun.

  10. 1jaded1 says:

    At least you at some kind of bird and lived to tell about it (thankfully). Looking forward to next week!

  11. draliman says:

    That’s the problem with places famous for amazing world cuisine. Can you find a simple burger? No.

    • I can’t imagine what kind of reaction the snotty waiter would have had if I’d have asked for a burger or hot dog! I might have been arrested and charged with some kind of culinary crime…

  12. gentlestitches says:

    I don’t think anyone should ever even try to eat something they don’t want for any reason! We are probably “fussy” too according to the video. I like my food to be instantly recognisable and I am with George. “if you have to ask questions, forget it!” ❤

    • I’m going to copy the way George says “I don’t like it!” the next time someone tries to get me to eat some kind of mystery food! Should be good for a laugh! 🙂

  13. Mystery meat? I think I would have gone vegetarian by that point!

  14. PigLove says:

    Oh dear piggy heavens – snorts. *YOU* have so got to be related to my mom who NEVER goes anywhere without searching out the local fried chicken places. OMP (oh my pig). That is too funny. Everyone tells my mommy that when she was born and slapped on the butt, she cackled like a chicken instead of crying like a baby. XOXO – Bacon

  15. That reminds me of the afternoon Mom and I landed in Rome (having never travelled much farther than our own back yards). We arrived in time for everything to close for the afternoon. We found a place that took pity on us…not sure what we ate, but after being awake more than 24 hours and a long way from home, anything resembling food was welcome! 🙂

    • How rude of cities to roll up the streets in the middle of the day!

      • Oddly enough, you can’t get anything to eat in New York city between 2:30 and 5 (or 6, depending). I was actually kind of shocked. When I was a kid, New York was ALWAYS open, 24/7. But not, eating establishments are all closed in the afternoon. Unless you can find a bar that has a grill and someone will make you a hamburger, you are out of luck. So it ain’t just Rome!

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