Kitchen Nightmares

squirrel on fire

Oddball news stories don’t just exist to serve as entertainment for the masses who are easily amused with the latest story that goes viral, they also give all of us a big boost of self squirrelsinnewsesteem to realize that there are much bigger dumbasses out there in the world than we are.  Here’s a story that’s been making the rounds today that naturally came to my attention since it involves a squirrel….

In case you have linkophobia… here’s the full text of that article:

HOLLAND TOWNSHIP, Mich. — Authorities say a blaze that displaced dozens of people from a southwest Michigan apartment complex may have been sparked by a resident trying to cook a squirrel with a propane torch.

Fire Chief Jim Kohsel tells that the resident apparently planned to eat the animal and was burning off its fur on a third-floor deck at the building in Ottawa County’s Holland Township when the fire broke out Wednesday. Flames spread to the roof. Kohsel says eight apartments are destroyed and others damaged.

The resident’s name wasn’t immediately released.

Kohsel says a firefighter broke a toe. No residents were injured.

Resident Tiffany Camburn told The Holland Sentinel that she and her neighbors had to evacuate their apartments.

The American Red Cross arranged temporary shelter and clothing for displaced residents.

Fire and squirrels do not mix.

I know there are a lot of people out there who eat squirrel, and I’m not going to preach about how horrible, cruel, heartless and morally unjustifiable it is to eat something this cute:

cool squirrel

I’ll give you gas, and the runs!

But if you are going to indulge in a little sciurine cuisine, at least take some common sense precautions to keep from burning your apartment complex to the ground.

For example, if you are thinking of the best way to de-fur a rodent, and the first thing you emerge from your mancave with a damn blowtorch, consider for a minute what a burning squirrel looks like…

burning rodent

This little guy could possibly do a lot of damage….

Squirrels are crafty little creatures, and even once they’ve gone to that great big oak tree in the sky, they’re still going to see to it they get the last chitter-chatterly laugh.  “You want to cook me with a blowtorch?  Fine, I’ll see to it that your douchebaggery becomes a big enough story to make you the latest internet nimrod.  It’ll serve all those fleas right as well to die a fiery death… BWAHAHAHA!!!”

Artist’s rendering of our unnamed amateur squirrel chef.

The moral of today’s story…. don’t mess with squirrels.  Learn to tolerate them as I do, and you may keep yourself out of the annals of internet infamy… not to mention keep from getting your ass kicked by dozens of displaced neighbors, and sued by the Firefighters Union for workman’s comp reimbursement on broken toes…

To put this lesson in convenient 30 second commercial form:

  • When you’re upset that your cable goes out during the big NASCAR race, you get angry…
  • When you get angry, you go outside and start shooting holes in Pabst Blue Ribbon cans.
  • When you shoot holes in Pabst Blue Ribbon cans, you get hungry and shoot at squirrels
  • When you get hungry and shoot at squirrels, you need to cook squirrels.
  • When you need to cook squirrels, you get your blowtorch and burn the fur off first since it gets hung up in your teeth.
  • When you burn the fur off of squirrels, you end up burning down your entire apartment complex and displace dozens of neighbors.
  • When you displace dozens of neighbors, you gets the living shit beat out of you by people who are tired of listening to you play Ted Nugent 8-tracks all day long.

Don’t get the living shit beat out of you by people who are tired of listening to you play Ted Nugent 8-tracks all day long…. just get DirecTV, man!

sully cute

Laugh at my lame attempt at humor! Wait….. what are you going to do with that torch?


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Squirrels In The News and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Kitchen Nightmares

  1. gentlestitches says:

    You know those stories you find yourself howling with laughter at and at the same time you question whether you should really be laughing? LOL! This was one of them. OMG!!

  2. Betsy Norman says:

    WAY too funny!! For the record, my older brothers used to hunt squirrel with and my mom would skin them and make squirrel pot pie. I never could eat it because 1) gross and 2) she never pulled the buckshot out.

  3. dogfordavid says:

    yikes! I hope they took his blow torch away after this. He better hope his neighbors are easily calmed down too once they find out who is responsible.

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