Fat Bottomed Squirrel

You'd never guess my tree had no acorns this year...

You’d never guess my tree had no acorns this year…

sqturday squirrel logoYesterday I took my cats to the vet for their annual checkup and shots… and somehow I survived not being clawed to death by the two unwilling patients.  When I got there, I plopped Ody on the scale, and the digital display rang up to 19 pounds.  There are tigers who don’t even weigh that much.  Someone needs to go on a diet…

Speaking of… how much do you think this rotund little squirrel would check in at if I could get him on a scale?  I know squirrels tend to fatten up for the winter, but come on, dude!  You still gotta stay in pretty good shape, or you’re gonna miss an important jump in the tree and become a furry cannonball.  Lay off the corn and the nuts, will ya?

Hey, you put it out here, I'm gonna eat it!

Hey, you put it out here, I’m gonna eat it!

Well, this is one Saturday Squirrel who is definitely larger than life….

Have a great weekend, a wonderful holiday, and don’t eat so much that you end up like Big Boy here!

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And Then There Were Four…

The Final Four

The Final Four

And so here we are, eleven days into my contest where I sent drawings of 20 of my favorite critters out to anyone who was a fan of adorable cuteness colored with cheap Crayola markers… and after a very slow start during the first week, another one of my cards is being reported every time I turn around this week!  With Angel being added to the list this morning, there are now only four characters still unreported… and what a fascinating final four grouping it is that contains only the Mickey Mouse of my gang, one half of the squirrel pup twins, my newest character who I only introduced exactly 6 months ago and only included in the set since I knew she’d be fun to draw in marker, and of course…

Doesn't anyone like me?

Doesn’t anyone like me?

The card that was almost unanimously the most coveted in the entire set, my adorable but flawed unicorn Rainbow Donkey, is still up for grabs!  Talk about saving the best for last!

Of the four players who have yet to check in with their card, I know for a fact that two of them have already received it… so at present time, either one of them may be laughing at the very idea that RD is still available.  YoungAtFifty mentioned hers arrived yesterday, and I expect she’ll unveil her prize later today.  Jennifer from Squirrel Picnic has had her drawing for a while now, but her and her gang of adorable critters are planning a very special reveal post… and since everything Jennifer posts on her blog is totally awesome, I’m willing to wait a little longer to satisfy my curiosity over whether RD fittingly landed in her lap or not…

Jennifer's amazing Rainbow Donkey amigurumi she sent me... being attacked by a creepy fabric softener mascot.

Jennifer’s amazing Rainbow Donkey amigurumi she sent me… being attacked by a creepy fabric softener mascot.

As for the other two players… well, since one of them lives 10,000 miles away from Nest HQ, it’s understandable that Aunt Sharon’s special card may not have made it to her yet via Wallaby Express.  Whereas, Running Heartless needs to take a jog down to her post office and put the pressure on her postmaster… I’m not sure what’s up there.

red squirrels rock!

GIVE ME MY CARD!!!

It’s nevertheless been a lot of fun… maybe even more fun than I expected, tracking who has gone where!  And I’m apparently not alone in that boat since pretty much each and every day since it first went up the Monday before last, my 2014 Holiday Cards page under my header has been the most popular post on my blog.  Of course, everyone has also been curious to see what the cards they didn’t receive looked like!

Better than my mouse-drawn artwork.

Better than my mouse-drawn artwork.

Hopefully the remaining four holdouts will become known before Christmas Eve, when I plan on celebrating my third anniversary of Evil Squirrel’s Nest with a special compilation post chronicling this rather entertaining contest, and showing off each and every one of my 20 21 drawings I sent out, and some of the fascinating ways you captured these little works of art for posterity!

Hold the card up, Angel!  We need to selfie with it!

Hold the card up, Angel! We need to selfie with it!

Tune in to see where ES, Sully, Kati, and of course, Rainbow Donkey all end up!

Posted in Squirrel Droppings | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments

Evil Squirrel’s Nest Comic #138 — 12/18/14

comic121814

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Ho Ho No!

Holidays and shitty music just seem to go together...

Holidays and shitty music just seem to go together…

random rantThis is my seventeenth December working in the retail hellhole wonderland of Mecca, and as such, I have heard more than my fair share of Christmas music.  If it has Santa Claus, snow, or JHC Himself in it, you can bet I’ve heard it before… and often.  The funny thing about music you don’t like is… if you are forced to listen to it often enough, you can’t help but to start actually taking a fondness to it.  I’ll sing along even to songs I can’t stand, and as you’ve seen in recent Mondays, there are even some holiday songs I would willingly listen to regardless of what time of the year it was…

Ma!  Is it alright if we bring Burl with us to the beach?

Ma! Is it alright if we bring Burl with us to the beach?

But no matter how many times I hear some Christmas songs, there’s just no getting around how completely awful they are.  The more I hear them, the more I want to pop a cap in some happy elf’s ass.  In the interest of equal time for the holiday songs I’m praising in my December editions of Mecca Muzak Mondays, here are five Christmas songs that I wish someone had saved the receipt for so that they can be taken back to Goodwill and put back on the discount rack with Tino


“Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” – Any version:

The Mecca CD is chock full of different versions of this holiday standard… even leading off with one of them.  Every single one of them sucks nasty brown reindeer turds.  You know why?

I didn't even make it past the first verse this time...

I didn’t even make it past the first verse this time…

There is no getting around the fact that this is one of the slowest, softest, and most boring Christmas songs in the Book of Noel.  I don’t think it would even be possible to record a version of this song that doesn’t sound like the person singing it is slowly slipping into a persistent vegetative state.  I doubt even Metallica could make this wretched old carol sound cool…

You know what I have in common with Lars Ulrich?  We both sat in Seat 9 on Millionaire within a week of each other.  I shit you not.

You know what I have in common with Lars Ulrich? We both sat in Seat 9 on Millionaire within a week of each other. I shit you not.

If you’re in need of a nap, here’s a link to the YouTube of Judy Garland’s version of the song that I have to listen to every night.

You'll pay for this, my pretty!!!!

You’ll pay for this, my pretty!!!!


“The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be late)” – Alvin & the Chipmunks:

I realize this is grabbing at very low hanging fruit since this would have to rank on many others’ most annoying Christmas song lists.  But just like Hitler would have to be included on any list of the naughtiest people in history, the fucking Chipmunk Song has to make any list of holiday tunes that need to die a slow, painful death.

Something even worse than what I put Buster through...

Something even worse than what I put Buster through…

You might say to yourself that it’s rather odd of me, a blogger who has my own cast of cartoon character rodents, to be so mean to the Chipmunks.  While Alvin, Simon and Theodore may get all the fame, fortune and chipmunkettes… there is one quality that Evil Squirrel and the gang will always hold over David Seville’s trio of little nutcases….

MY SQUIRRELS DON’T FUCKING TALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At least not where you have to listen to their squeaky ass voices...

At least not where you have to listen to their squeaky ass voices…

Sure, you may have a voice in your head for Evil Squirrel as you read his lines whenever he appears in a comic… and not only do you keep that voice to yourself, but I’ll bet it doesn’t sound like someone who sucked an entire helium tank dry.  I don’t know how anyone could even tolerate the Chipmunks cartoons, let alone this cochlea-cracking song that badly needs to be put down like a sweater wearing chipmunk caught in a steel trap….

Sure it sounds cruel... but think of all the lives it would save!

Sure it sounds cruel… but think of all the lives it would save!


“The Twelve Days of Christmas” – Any non parody version:

This endless torture of a carol is to Christmas what “99 Bottles of Beer On The Wall” was to road trips from hell.  The gifts being given in the song are bad enough… I mean, did anyone stop and think for a moment that every present from the eighth day on involves treating human beings like material things?  I thought we had it written into our Constitution 150 years ago that slavery was no longer legal, and people couldn’t be bought or sold anymore… let alone be treated like Chia Pets and given as holiday gifts.

Sorry... the other eleven drummers drumming got the hell out of town once they found out what you had planned for us.

Sorry… the other eleven drummers drumming got the hell out of town once they found out what you had planned for us.

But even ignoring the egregious human rights violations in this carol, whose brilliant idea was it that each gift had to be introduced one at a time… and then the next lousy present couldn’t be named until all of the previous gifts had been repeated.  Listening to this song is like being Bill Murray in “Groundhog Day”… only instead of reliving February 2nd over and over again in its entirety, each “new day” you’d only get treated to a couple more minutes than the one before.  It’s a kind of slow torture even the CIA couldn’t dream up…

Look out, Phil.  Six geese a'laying straight ahead.

Look out, Phil. Six geese a’laying straight ahead.

This is actually the version on the Mecca CD, and I stumbled onto it the first try.  Go ahead and listen to it… but don’t say I didn’t warn you if you end up caught in a time loop…


“Santa Baby” – Eartha Kitt version:

I’ll go ahead and say it for the benefit of everyone who doesn’t already know… I can’t stand the Eartha Kitt classic, yet the Madonna version is one of my favorite holiday songs ever…

What... the... fuck, dude?

What… the… fuck, dude?

First off, as a child of the 80’s, I grew up on Madonna’s version of this song.  In fact, up until about 10 years ago, I was totally unaware ANYONE ELSE did this song other than the Material Girl.  So when I kept hearing how “superior” this supposed Eartha Kitt original was to the one that was always near and dear to my heart, I was definitely intrigued.  But in an era before YouTube, I had to wait until it finally crossed my path naturally to satisfy my morbid curiosity… and when it finally did play for me….

Ugh.

Don't worry, Eartha.  You'll always have Catwoman to fall back on.

Don’t worry, Eartha. You’ll always have Catwoman to fall back on.

I guess I just prefer bouncy and bubbly to slow and snoozeworthy seductive whenever I have the choice… and to me, Madonna just owns this song.  Her blonde bimbo take on “Santa Baby” is cute and (UNPOPULAR OPINION ALERT!!!) completely unannoying.  I always sing along with the “Ba-doopie-Doos!” with her when it plays on the PA.  Eartha’s take, meanwhile, just lulls me into a coma that keeps me from getting my job done.

Not even Shawn Mullins can write a more boring lullaby...

Not even Shawn Mullins can write a more boring lullaby…

Give me Blonde Ambition any day!


“Feliz Navidad” – Any fucking version:

Surely, you’ve seen this little drawing appear on my blog one or fifteen times in the past…

Guns don't kill people... Shitty Christmas music kills people.

Guns don’t kill people… Shitty Christmas music kills people.

It is no coincidence that I used “Feliz Navidad” as the song coming out of the Mecca speaker as ES goes postal on the muzak.  Many people think the word “hate” is too strong a term to ever use for anything… but in the case of this little Spanglish Christmas classic, it’s not strong enough to describe my feelings.  I absolutely fucking LOATHE this piece of shit, goddamn song!

Thanks for forever ruining Christmas for me, you lousy blind bastard!

Thanks for forever ruining Christmas for me, you lousy blind bastard!

And it isn’t just the Jose Feliciano original that gets on my nerves… there are two other takes on this song included on this year’s Mecca CD, and they both sounds just as awful… maybe even MORE awful… which is a level of awfulness that shouldn’t even be theoretically possible.  The only thing more unbelievable than the fact that Jose thought it’d be funny to sing the same two lines over and over and over again for three whole minutes is the fact that the holiday spirited public actually went batshit crazy over it… making it one of the most popular contemporary holiday songs of all time.

wtf

Seriously! WTF!?!?

At least if this song were entirely in Spanish, I might not realize he’s repeating the same words ad nauseum.  But no, this song’s like those instructions you get included with anything you have to assemble from a big box store… only not as cool because Jose’s song just keeps flipping back and forth between Spanish and English rather than also folding out into Portuguese, Mandarin Chinese, Swahili, and Klingon…

Guaranteed to sound better than Jose Feliciano.

Guaranteed to sound better than Jose Feliciano.

Let’s put these five holiday tunes on the permanent Naughty List… or better yet, an ice floe to eventually sink into the ocean whenever the hell those polar icecaps are finally supposed to melt…

No polar bears or penguins were harmed or decapitated in the making of this post.

No polar bears or penguins were harmed or decapitated in the making of this post.

 

 

Posted in Random Rants | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments

The Wolf And The Mouse

Gross!  I can still see the possum guts between your teeth!

Gross! I can still see the possum guts between your teeth!

holidaymuzakIt’s time for me and everyone’s favorite red nosed, carol pumping unicorn to jingle your bells with a thick slice of holiday heaven from the soundtrack to my overnights… yes, it’s another hall decking Christmas edition of Mecca Muzak Monday!  Today we’re going to feature one of the most charming, yet creepy holiday songs to make up the sounds of the season, performed by a band you may very well make you wince on sight…

Don't look, Sheena!!!

Don’t look, Sheena!!!

Lady Antebellum is an eight year old country trio that found some crossover success on the pop charts in the latter part of the 00’s.  It was also around that time that members Hillary Scott and Charles Kelley decided to record their own take on the holiday classic “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”  It’s been playing on the Mecca holiday CD for the past three years, and I love it.  Go ahead… turn me in to the musical taste police!

It’s that twangy guitar(?) riff that plays throughout the song that gets me.  I also think this is the best sung version of this song that I’ve heard before… although to be fair, pretty much all of the other versions I hear at Mecca all sound old enough to be coming out of the oversized horn of a gramophone..

Or maybe an olde tyme radio...

Or maybe an olde tyme radio…

Of course, it’s impossible to discuss “Baby It’s Cold Outside” without delving into exactly what kind of story it’s telling.  The song was written by Frank Loesser in 1944 as a duet to be sung by a “wolf” and a “mouse”, and he would often perform it live as the cunning wolf with his wife playing his rodent prey.  As innocent as the song seemed in World War II era America, through the more cynical and politically correct lens of 2014, something more sinister seems to be going on…

Exactly what did you put in my trough, Pointy?

Exactly what did you put in my trough, Pointy?

The mouse seems to be making her intentions clearly known that she could give a rat’s (Ha!) ass if it’s thundersnowing outside… she wants to go home before her brother calls the Marines and her maiden aunt locks her in the cellar again.  The wolf was brought up to believe that when a mouse says no, she really means yes, and continues to put on the charm to seduce the mouse into staying in his lair.  He’d be upset if she caught pneumonia and died… nevermind what she might catch if she actually stays with him.  But it’s specifically one particular line in this song that gives “Baby” it’s rather ominous nickname…

What in the fuck is in this drink!?!?

What in the fuck is in this drink!?!?

And so thanks to that one off the cuff remark by the mouse that maybe the wolf put a little something “extra” in her drink, even though she only said it to complete the rhyme, this delightful holiday classic has since been harshly dubbed “The Date Rape Song.”

Baloney!  Accept no substitutes….. THIS is the real Date Rape song…

Be sure to come back next Monday and take yet another Mecca holiday classic in the behind!

Won't you take pity on a cat of my kind?

Won’t you take pity on a cat of my kind?

Posted in Mecca Muzak | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments