Lord Of The Leaves

Wilson presiding over his kingdom.

Wilson presiding over his kingdom.

sqturday squirrel logoLast Saturday I introduced you to Wilson, an absolutely captivating little squirrel who stole the majority of my attention during a visit to the local park a couple weeks ago.  Wilson was hanging out near the walk-through garden by where the old public swimming pool used to be, and was keeping himself busy with the bushels and bushels full of dead leaves that were piling up around his domain.

Even if you were at the park for reasons other than hoping to take a few squirrel photos, it would have been impossible to walk by Wilson’s garden and not notice him…

Crinkle! Crinkle! Crinkle!

Crinkle! Crinkle! Crinkle!

You could hear the sound of violently rustling leaves from several hundred feet away.  The still photos I took can’t even begin to capture just how adorably amusing it is to watch a squirrel pick up a bunch of leaves and begin fiercely rubbing them all together so fast you wonder if they might catch on fire!  That picture up there is the best of the bunch at attempting to show off Wilson’s leaf wrangling.  Wilson, you are such a little cut-up!  Tell me, just what were you trying to do there?

Sorry, my mother always told me not to talk with my mouth full.

Sorry, my mother always told me not to talk with my mouth full.

Oh well, mere words could never be enough to describe how precious you look as the park leafmaster…

You don't say...

You don’t say…

So cute, so charming, and yet so mysterious.  I have a feeling we’ll be continuing the adventures of this most peculiar Saturday Squirrel throughout the normally brutal month of February.  Hey, wait!  Come back here!  Where are you off to with that bunch of leaves in your mouth!?!?

If you really want to know, you'll just have to come back for more of me next week!

If you really want to know, you’ll just have to come back for more of me next week!

Oh, Wilson.  You have learned the art of the cliffhanger so well from the master…

Have a great weekend everyone!

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Evil Squirrel’s Nest Comic #198 — 2/11/16

comic21116

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When Horses Fly

You might want to invest in some wings there, RD...

You might want to invest in some wings there, RD…

For once, I can finally join the rest of the working world in saying that Wednesday is picture dayactually Hump Day.  A four-day turned five day weekend gave me Monday through Friday off this week, so at this very moment, I’m moving over the hump into the second half of my mini-vacay.  Yeah, so maybe I’m still not in line with the nine to fivers out there (Does anyone even work that shift anymore?), but at least I can still give you The Nest’s weekly Wednesday tradition of Picture Day!

I’m not an impulse buyer by any stretch of the imagination.  While I will occasionally purchase things I stumble upon without having a real need for them, I do at least still think long and hard about whether it’s money well spent before deciding to help make some factory owner in China a little richer.

Some of that money might even go to the sweatshop squirrels...

Some of that money might even go to the sweatshop squirrels…

Last Thursday presented me with one of those impulse opportunities when I least expected it…. while catching up on my blog reading.  When I first saw it in the middle of a post, I said, “Damn!  I HAVE to have that!”  But it still took me until the following day to actually whip out the plastic and purchase it.  And what might that have been…..?

What the hell?  I've never actually seen good art hanging around this dump before...

What the hell? I’ve never actually seen good art hanging around this dump before…

For those of you who follow her (And if you aren’t, what in the hell is wrong with you?), you will recognize that masterpiece as “Pegasus Hugging a Dog” by the very talented Goldfish.  I had to chuckle when she mentioned in that post “who the hell is really going to want to buy a Pegasus hugging a dog,” because I was immediately sold on this incredibly cute picture!  I bought a handful of cute critter stickers from Goldfish’s Redbubble shop a few years ago, but this time I had to actually order a print!  I only found one frame at Mecca this morning that was close to the 12″ X 12″ size of the print, and only discovered after getting it home that the stupid frame had no way of hanging on a wall… so for now it’s propped up in the corner of my computer room near where a lot of my own inferior art hangs.

Oh, and speaking of pegasi…

I can haz muffin?

I can haz muffin?

While shopping for that frame this morning, my attention was snagged by an awesome Scratchy figurine that just seemed to be calling my name from the counter where the baseball cards and crap can be found.  However, hiding behind my favorite DJ was a small selection of other ponies I don’t have a representative of yet.  Sadly, I know exactly who these damned characters were without having to be told by the box what I was buying, and as soon as I saw Derpy was one of the ponies hiding back there, my second impulse buying decision of the week had been made…

Yes, I am very much in need of an intervention...

Yes, I am very much in need of an intervention…

Yes, her name really is Derpy, and the figurine even perfectly captures Derpy’s derpiness in a frontal view…

Almost as cute as a pegasus hugging a dog...

Almost as cute as a pegasus hugging a dog…

So there you go, two pegasi for the price of one!  Happy Reverse Hump Day from The Nest, and I’ll try to not make myself look so pathetic next week…

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Throwing In The Towel

Can you direct me to the cheap shit, please?

Can you direct me to the cheap shit, please?

tuesday tvLife’s messy.  And whether those spills occur in the kitchen, the living room or the bedroom, we need something fast and strong to ensure the unwanted residue is gone before it just evaporates away.  One of the best inventions in the history of good housekeeping has been the almighty paper towel.  For the price of just a few states worth of lush forests, Americans have a ready cleaning aid they can reach for to take care of anything from spilled soda pop to a mountain of cat puke.  When it comes to making sure our homes stay OCD clean, the environment can go get itself fucked with a punctured aerosol can…

Beat it, fairies!  I've got wood to chop and spills to clean up!

Beat it, fairies! I’ve got wood to chop and spills to clean up!

Thanks to the incredible powers of consumer brainwashing that mega-conglomerate Procter and Gamble possesses, Bounty is considered to be the top of the line in the spillwipe department.  While desperately trolling YouTube for a classic commercial to mock this morning, I came across this 1992 ad for the quicker picker upper featuring the world’s most inept cowboy outside of a Mel Brooks movie…

In the same year that Dan Quayle and Murphy Brown made family values a trending hashtag national buzzword, Bounty gave us this adorably cute, family friendly advertisement for its product that could put a smile on a misanthrope’s face.  Of course, even the most innocent and innocuous commercials we see on our televisions are immensely fucked up beneath their namby pamby exterior.  And pointing out the flaws and bullshit in advertising is the main reason you all subscribe to The Nest in the first place!  Right?

sometimes you're the unicorn and sometimes you're the possum

I guess some of you may be here for the unicorns and possum killing.

The ad starts with our little cowpoke entering Mom’s Saloon through the swinging set of half-assed doors that were a staple of just about every spaghetti western ever made, but probably weren’t often found in many suburban kitchens.  Seriously, who designed the house this commercial was shot in, Louis L’Amour?  Just like those doors didn’t keep rattlesnakes out of the watering holes of the old west, neither were they likely to keep the dog or the baby from getting into the kitchen to play with all of the sharp knives…

Give that baby a Safety Unicorn Award!

Give that little rugrat a Safety Unicorn Award!

To show exactly why mom needs to rip out the swinging gates and have a vault door installed instead, her little dude takes only about three seconds to turn her kitchen into a giant fucking mess because he left his toy moo-cow on the counter…

I hope this family qualifies for FEMA assistance.

I hope this family qualifies for FEMA assistance.

Our rough and tumble cowboy prepares to face the music like a true man of the west…

Would you like a tissue, Tex?

Would you like a tissue, Tex?

I guess you can’t blame him for getting a little worried over what mom, aka The Law West of the Hallway, might do to punish his clumsiness.  While the days of publicly lynching children for spilling juice had long since ended by the early 90’s, it was still a time when nobody would have said a word had you taken your little outlaw back to the woodshed and tanned his hide for ruining the linoleum.  Fortunately for Spilly The Kid, the matron of this here establishment is a complete pushover for sad eyes…

He's still gonna be living in the basement when he's 35... I just know it.

He’s still gonna be living in the basement when he’s 35… I just know it.

So Mommy proceeds to clean up the spill for her little buckaroo, who will probably never have to do a single thing for himself in his life.  Bounty uses this example of shitty parenting as an opportunity to show off what you can do with just a single sheet of its spongelike paper.  There’s just one small problem…

I'd worry that spill was actually The Blob!

I’d worry that spill was actually a coalescing Blob!

That is most definitely NOT an entire pitcher of Smurfberry Kool Aid like we saw cascading onto the floor just a few seconds ago!  Unless that flooring has some kind of magical absorption powers, about 95% of that spill has just turned up missing.  A Bounty intern probably had to use half a roll of paper towels in between takes just to clean up enough of the red river flood to make mom’s single sheet be able to handle the rest of the mess.

Bounty’s not done assaulting your gullibility with stupid advertising tricks, though…

A National 2 Ply Paper Towel would make a hell of a generic brand name.

A National 2 Ply Paper Towel would make a hell of a generic brand name.

Next we see Bounty taking on the cheapest paper towel the prop man could find at the local Mecca at cleaning up two identical toilet overflow spills.  It could be an illusion of shitty 20th Century video technology, but those paper towels look thicker than the napkins at a real restaurant.  There are Niagara Falls flow maxi pads that don’t have the level of thickness that Bounty towel seems to have morphed into.  Oh well, just like in sports, if you aren’t cheating, you aren’t trying hard enough…

Now we know where the grapes of wrath are stored...

Now we know where the grapes of wrath are stored…

To demonstrate just how durable Bounty puppy pads paper towels are while they are wet, two staffers show off Bounty’s amazing ability to hold up one fourth of the Fruit of the Loom team even while the towel is being soaked in water.  For those in the viewing audience who have trouble comprehending the effects that water has on paper towels, a handy “WHEN WET” caption is included for the criminally stupid.  Naturally, Bounty doesn’t even give time for the water to soak in to the towel before they quickly cut away to Calamity Jane and her dust storm of a kid enjoying some post-disaster family bonding… leaving us to all believe those grapes didn’t actually end up in the garbage disposal after just a couple seconds of Bounty water torture…

And thus how the California Raisins were born...

And thus how the California Raisins were born…

If you were to take this ad at face value, you might wonder why Bounty isn’t used to clean up our toughest messes, like oil spills.  The next time Joe Hazelwood crashes into a BP oil well in the Gulf of Mexico, just drop a big sheet of Bounty 50-ply paper towels on that slick and watch it soak up the floating oil like Prince’s hair.  The waterways will be open for drug smuggling traffic again in no time!

oil spill squirrel

Throw in a few drops of Dawn for the wildlife, and Procter & Gamble just might save the world.

Whether it’s cleaning up the sarsaparilla spill from a drunk cowboy, or wiping away the after-effects of food poisoning from a patron in Rosie’s diner, it’s good to know we can turn to the Thicker, Quicker Picker Upper when we need all of the absorption power of a Shop Vac and all of the deceit of a televised political debate.  So today The Nest gives a sloppy salute to Bounty paper towels for making our homes a little less messier and our commercials just a little more unbelievable.  The next time we sit down to a good bowlful of greasy chileh, we’ll be sure to keep a sheet handy to clean up after ourselves for both the chileh ingress and the chileh egress…

Grapes not included.

Grapes not included.

Posted in TV Commercials | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

The Lost Jovi

Someone apparently didn't bother to read the dress code policy of this blog...

Someone apparently didn’t bother to read the dress code policy of this blog…

I hope you all had a super great Sunday like I did yesterday sleeping through that Big Game that I can’t explicitly say here since the NFL will sue the pants off of anyone who even tries to mention it.  Just in case you overdid it, drop a couple of Alka Seltzers and then set your speakers to eleven for another MVP Monday edition of The Nest’s Dusty Vinyl Archive!  DJ/QB Scratchy and her little halfback Sponkies have chosen a hard rockin’ oldie but goodie that’s guaranteed to blow the cobwebs off of any booze hangover you might have this morning!  42, 13, 69….. HIKE!!!

dusty vinyl

Bon Jovi began its life as a prototypical 80’s hair band, and today is generally regarded as one of the A-list groups in rock history.  Three decades of rock anthems, power ballads, and way too many shirtless pictures of the group’s titular (no pun intended) frontman have solidified their status as pop legends.  But even the greatest acts of all time have their share of hits that somehow managed to slip through the cracks of our collective memories.  And such is the fate of one of my absolute favorite Jovi tracks, which came off the group’s self-titled debut album in 1984.  Let’s give it up for “She Don’t Know Me!”

You might think someone who is pretty universally recognized as a rock stud (Hi Mom!) wouldn’t have an issue with unrequited love… and there is actually a reason for that.  “She Don’t Know Me” was written by Mark Avsec, a member of Donnie Iris’ band, not Jon Bon Jovi’s.  And it turns out this is the only song in Bon Jovi’s entire archive that does not include a writing credit for any of the band’s members.  Despite it being released as a single following the successful debut of “Runaway” and becoming a minor hit on the pop charts (It got much heavier airplay on local FM stations), Bon Jovi quickly sought to disassociate himself from the song and hasn’t played it live in 30 years… which has no doubt contributed to its status as a forgotten, dusty record in the archive…

You want me to play what, man?  How about some Ziggy Marley instead?

You want me to play what, man? How about some Ziggy Marley instead?

And while apparently most people associate the Journey song “Faithfully” with the music from the Elec Man stage of Nintendo’s original Mega Man game, I did then and still do now always hear “She Don’t Know Me” (Which those who know something about music would probably tell you have the same chord progression, or something like that)…

Sigh…. they don’t know “She Don’t Know Me.”  But now you do, and me and my helper ponies will bring you another great song you’ll want to get to know again next week!

Posted in Dusty Vinyl Archive | Tagged , , , , , , | 20 Comments