It’s Ovah!

Your family will never look this cool...

Your family will never look this cool…

meccamuzakmondaysThanks to an extended “weekend”, Monday sure did sneak up on me fast.  By my mental calendar, this should still be Sunday, and it’s possible that you may wish it really was.  But don’t wish Monday away, because that means you get treated to another awesome melody from the Mecca Muzak playlist!  YAY!

This week, me and DJ Scratchy have decided to go country again.  Now hold on a minute!!!  Before you quickly back away and find a more interesting post on someone else’s blog, let me just say that this isn’t some lameass, twangy, boot scootin’ country music that’ll make you think you’re pickin’ and grinnin’ on the set of Hee Haw…

The ESN complaint line is now open.

The ESN complaint line is now open.

Today’s musical guest is The Band Perry, a relatively recent trio consisting of siblings Kimberly, Neil, and Reid Perry.  They had one of their hits from 2013 land on last Fall’s Mecca CD, and this one is so rockin’, it would blow the price tag right off of Minnie Pearl’s hat if they performed it at the Grand Ole Opry.  Here’s the music video for their epic song, “DONE.”

Women with an attitude almost always make for great music, and this is one of my absolute favorites.  The irony of “DONE.”, however, is despite the fact that it’s your typical girl power song, it was actually written by the brothers!

All I wanna be is DONE.

All I wanna be is DONE.

I watched the video for the first time before I wrote today’s post, and came away a bit unimpressed with that effort.  First of all, this is another song with awesome drum work, and yet the drummer is conspicuously absent from the group scenes.

No, you don't count as a drummer... pa rumpa pum pum.

No, you don’t count as a drummer… pa rumpa pum pum.

This is yet another issue I have with “bands” who try to do it all, or do it with uncredited performers… they look so phony trying to play one of their songs.

Secondly, the “story” we see during the few moments the band The Band Perry isn’t seen on screen is like a real life chess match that is much more build-up and posturing than actual action.  It’s kind of like boxing, where all the real drama happens at the weigh-in, and the actual fight itself ends on a TKO in 90 seconds…

Let's get ready to..... oh wait, it's over.  At least I get a cut of all that Pay-Per-View money you just wasted!

Let’s get ready to….. oh wait, it’s over. At least I get a cut of all that Pay-Per-View money you just wasted!

And if any of the guys (or even the gals) thought that Kimberly Perry looked pretty hot in that video… just calm down.  She’s already taken, and by someone you probably know if you follow Major League Baseball.  Just this past June, she married current Texas Rangers catcher J.P. Arencibia…

Now J.P. has something to fall back on when his disappointing career is DONE.

Now J.P. has something to fall back on when his so-far disappointing career is DONE.

And that does it for this week’s edition of Mecca Muzak Monday.  On a personal note, between adjusting back to my regular schedule over the weekend, and fighting a losing battle with my overgrown backyard that will continue tomorrow, I’ve gotten several days behind in reading up on all of your blogs’ most excellent contents.  I promise to catch up as much as I can, as soon as I can… and don’t be afraid to slap me upside the head if you have something I really need to see!

Like I'd need to remind you of that anyway...

Like I’d need to remind you of that anyway…

 

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Into The WABAC Machine!

Great grandpa squirrel ventures out for a bite at the newest neighborhood cafe.

Great grandpa squirrel ventures out for a bite at the newest neighborhood cafe.

Today’s Saturday Squirrel picture is somewhat of an anachronism in the literal sense.  How can a blog that didn’t exist at the time claim ownership of a photograph?  Well, while I may not have started up this happy internet home until the dying days of 2011, I was certainly taking sqturday squirrel logosquirrel pictures well before then.  In fact, this photo comes from literally the very first squirrel photoshoot I ever did, back on May 26, 2009.  Sadly, it’s also the best pic of that bunch, and the only one even somewhat worthy of showing off…

I moved into my new home back in that Spring month five years ago, coinciding with the time that Evil Squirrel was really starting to become a big part of my life.  I was quite overjoyed that in the center of the backyard was a huge oak tree, which I knew had to be a regular squirrel magnet.  So when I went on my first shopping spree to buy necessities for my new nest, a corn cob squirrel feeder was a must!  The local sciurines have been living high off the hog ever since, and my feeder has both directly and indirectly led to so many of the great shots I’ve featured here every Saturday for the past two years!

That reminds me… I need to go give the feeder a refill!

My compliments to the chef!

My compliments to the chef!

Have a great pre-Fall weekend everybody!  And make it even better by feeding a hungry squirrel!

Posted in Saturday Squirrel | Tagged , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

The Butterfly Effect

Hey there, butterfly!  Wanna see my nuts?

Hey there, butterfly! Wanna see my nuts?

Well, hello there everybody!  Sorry to have left you out on that cliff again for the past seven days.  Here, let me pull you back up on solid ground so that you’ll better be able to take in the next totally awesome chapter in my Millionaire Journey!  Last week’s installment had more highs and lows than a map on The Weather Channel, and it was all punctuated by a legendary hissy fit from one of the highest paid men in showbusiness.  How can I possibly top that overbloated excitement this week?

How about with the very first showdown for the Hot Seat at today’s taping!

squirrel knife fight

If Double Dare can have a physical challenge, then so can Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

Ahhh, but first, we must get introduced to the television audience, so they know who to root for and who to throw garbage at.  This is our “four seconds of fame”, as I had called it before, where no matter the end result, we would have the camera all to ourselves to say hello to the world however we chose…

Within reason, of course...

Within reason, of course…

Prior to the intros, Regis takes the opportunity to stroll through the Ring of Fire to greet each of us.  For the first, and only time ever, I am going to get to shake hands with someone who’s actually famous!  We were told by our handlers that when Regis stopped by our Bendy Side Out seat to shake our hand, we weren’t to try to make small talk, or ask Reege what he really thought of Kathy Lee Gifford… we were to merely tell him our full names.  The purpose of this was to help Regis out with any pronunciation issues that may result from names that just don’t roll off the tongue…

You can do it, Regis!

You can do it, Regis!

Once he’s done making his rounds, and tape is ready to roll once again, Regis first has to deliver the hastily written half-assed explanation to cover for the question writers on their poorly thought out glowing potato question… officially declaring the tomato a fruit and explaining just how inconceivable it is that they’ve injected a potato plant with the “luminescence gene” of a jellyfish to make them glow.  Regis is still totally not buying this bullshit line of reasoning, or really the whole damn science-gone-mad experiment at that.  I mean, if they can make a potato glow when it needs water, what could possibly be next?

Looks like it's time to change your underwear...

Looks like it’s time to change your underwear…

With that out of the way, it’s time for Regis to introduce us!  Here are tonight’s ten new contestants!!!!  And they are…..

Sitting in Seat One....

Sitting in Seat One….

I firmly believe that the producers, intimately familiar Regis’ tendency to butcher the uncommon, put Wynema Kimbrough in the first seat solely because they knew he’d fuck her name up at least once.  And that’s exactly what he did….

CUT!!!!

CUT!!!!

So now for his inability to allow a simple six letter name to roll off of his golden tongue, Regis has to go back and even reshoot the damn glowing potato explanation… which I’m sure just tickled him to death.  So the intros roll again… and Regis fucks up yet again!  But the men in the booth know they don’t have all day… there’s a second taping that has to be completed sometime before midnight, so they just let Regis go with it this time, meaning that thanks to Regis’ twisted tongue, Wynema Kimbrough and will forever be remembered in her four seconds of fame as “WYKEMA”

Wy-NE-ma, Wy-NE-ma, Wy-NE-ma, Wy-NE-ma, Wy-NE-ma, Wy-NE-ma....

Wy-NE-ma, Wy-NE-ma, Wy-NE-ma, Wy-NE-ma, Wy-NE-ma, Wy-NE-ma….

My intro was up fourth, and as you may remember from when I used the screenshots during our on-stage intros a few weeks ago, I was representin’ for my message board by flashing a “one” and a “three” for thirteen, which went with my username over there (and as I’m sure you’ve noticed at some point in time, my username here on WordPress as well).  I can not even begin to tell you how much I agonized over how to do this correctly since I had made the decision to flash the thirteen earlier in the day.  Why?

Lysdexia, baby!

Lysdexia, baby!

In a rather old post on my blog, I once talked about my “artistic dyslexia” that comes about by my mind being confused when trying to imagine something from the opposite point of view.  In the image above, I drew MBRS’s left paw backwards… and by left paw, I mean her left paw, not the one on the left of the drawing.  It’s difficult for my mind to correctly “fix” things when they need to be mirrored.  So you can now imagine how I was sweating over which hand needed to be the “one”, and which one needed to have the “three”.  I didn’t want to end up like that poor guy The Offpsring sang about in “Pretty Fly For A White Guy“…

You know this is going to go on your permanent record....

You know this is going to go on your permanent record….

But I did it right, and I made it through the worldwide introductions!  Now it’s time for the first Fastest Finger question of the night!!!!!

Put these stages in the life cycle of a butterfly in order, starting with the earliest.

Oh yeah!!!!  Oh, fuck yeah!!!!!

Oh yeah!!!! Oh, fuck yeah!!!!!

As soon as this question hit the monitor, I am almost physically drooling in anticipation of just how badly I’m going to whip everyone’s ass on this.  The phone game the show used to fill the majority of its contestant slots from features questions just like the Fastest Finger queries that were used to determine the next Hot Seat player… so smart contestant hopefuls always prepared by committing to memory anything in a group of four that could possibly be asked.  In 2001, if you’d have asked me to put the Teletubbies in order of their height, I could have done that without blinking an eye…

sdf

Midget, Douchebag, Lardass, and the gay one… final answer.

The life cycle question was just such an ordered quartet that I’d locked into my brain.  The whole time Regis is reading and then repeating the question (The redundancy was always edited out of the real show), I’ve got EGG – LARVA – PUPA – ADULT going over and over and over again in my mind, and it’s just a matter of using my then still-polished video game reflexes to get that answer in before anyone else can!  Holy cow, what a gift this was to get a Fastest Finger question where I already knew what the four choices were going to be, and their correct order, before they even came on screen!!!

I'm just gonna pick this one up.... it's a gimme!

I’m just gonna pick this one up…. it’s a gimme!

It seems like I have to wait forever for those choices to appear so that I can start dreading what in the hell I’m going to say when I get into the Hot Seat.  Well, finally!  Here they come…

A. Pupa
B. Adult
C. Egg
D. Caterpillar

There’s Egg….. C, BAM!!!  OK, Larva……. larva…… um, what?  Caterpillar?  Where’d that come from…. um……

Stand by for more excitement!

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

That was it.  As soon as I realized larva was not there, but this totally unexpected word “caterpillar” was, my brain shut down.  And I’m not exaggerating… I just sat there looking at my monitor like a possum in the headlights for what had to be at least seven or eight seconds.  I had so psyched myself up for how I was going to play this question before the choices even appeared in front of me, that I was totally unable to adjust when they threw me the caterpillar curveball…

Yeah, I think I'll have some of what you're smoking...

Yeah, I think I’ll have some of what you’re smoking…

When I finally managed to jolt myself back into the world of reality, I really began to panic and just started hitting buttons.  It never managed to run through my brain at all that caterpillar WAS the damn larva stage…. “Um…. OK, no larva, let’s go with Pupa…. um…. then caterpillar…. um…”

Sigh!  To top off what had been a really humiliating experience, I wound up hitting Egg once again for my final choice.  When the train wreck was all over, there was the horrific result of my bumbling staring at me mockingly from the LCD display on my console…

CADC>

That order isn’t going to get anyone into the Hot Seat, regardless of how fast it was entered in.  In the aftermath, when the associate producers came out to confirm the results by telling us what had registered, and if that was what we had really put in, all I could do what shake my head and admit to being a dumbass.  I guess I can always hope for the fact that somehow, everyone else missed this question as well, so that we’ll have to play another one…

squirrels

Dream on, loser…

The twenty seconds is up, and Regis reveals the correct order that everyone with half a brain should know….

C. Egg
D. Caterpillar
A. Pupa
B. Adult

Please nobody get it right… please nobody get it right……

Hope you like that seat you're already in, dumbass!

Hope you like that seat you’re already in, dumbass!

And the winner is….. Ethel Merman!!!!!

You punks never stood a chance with me! Bwahahaha!!!!

You punks never stood a chance with me! Bwahahaha!!!!

Oops, I mean….. Amy Turner!!!!

Woohoo!!! YAYAYAYA!!!!

Woohoo!!! YAYAYAYA!!!!

And so my “semi-acquiantance” from the message board community Amy Turner is going to get to occupy the Hot Seat next….. after this commercial break.  One taping segment down, five more to go….

Insert forboding music here...

Insert forboding music here…

We’ll see how she does in the Hot Seat next Friday.  Until then, feel free to step on a caterpillar for me….

Actually, here's a better idea!

Actually, here’s a better idea!

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Evil Squirrel’s Nest Comic #124 — 9/11/14

comic91114

Image | Posted on by | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments

Bad Animals

The scariest instance of duckface on record.

The scariest instance of duckface on record.

If you watched any Nickelodeon in the late 80’s, you almost undoubtedly saw plenty of this commercial for some kind of early educational aid called “Sweet Pickles”…

tuesday tvThe commercial is the typical decades old fucked up mess I love to turn over the coals on my blog, with scary mascots that were even rejected by McDonalds, overly excitable kids who probably take candy from strangers, and parents who really think their kids won’t end up working at Mecca all of their lives.  But when I began to delve into just what in the hell Sweet Pickles was to start with, I realized that the entire concept behind the franchise was even more ridiculous than this incessantly run commercial was!

All of a sudden, my goofy characters don't seem so strange.

All of a sudden, my goofy characters don’t seem so strange.

Sweet Pickles was a fiction town inhabited by exactly 26 anthropomorphic animals of different species, which naturally led to a lot of wild and crazy cross-breeding.  These weren’t just any normal 26 critters though, they coincidentally each represented every letter of the alphabet in both their species and the fucked up name their parents gave them.  The Sweet Pickles gang all had their own personal issues, and it was through celebrating their fails that the program taught kids proper behavior better than the cast of Jersey Shore.

And they didn't give kids diabeetus like Wilford Brimley's bad advice.

And they didn’t give kids diabeetus like Wilford Brimley’s bad advice.

Note: This wound up being so long of a post, that I didn’t bother to go back and edit, so please excuse any mistakes!  You know, like you usually do when having to read my blog anyway…

And now, let’s take a look at these 26 misfits that inhabit the town with the gayest name ever….

The slumlord of Sweet Pickles.

The slumlord of Sweet Pickles.

Accusing Alligator could do no wrong.  She thought everything bad that happened was someone else’s fault.  While this attitude is very much in fashion in today’s political debate arena, back in the 80’s, most of the other critters saw Miss Alligator as a rabblerousing snitch.  One day, Accusing Alligator disappeared, and nobody was there to point out that Gangster Goat was simultaneously rocking a new pair of shoes…

You know, Bashful, you might be more sociable if you put away the damn banjo.

You know, Bashful, you might be more sociable if you put away the damn banjo.

Bashful Bear was the quiet, shy introvert of the town.  Nevermind that he could probably eat half of the townscritters for breakfast, he was still afraid of them.  It wasn’t until a talent scout came through as Bashful was crapping in the woods and gave him his current gig as the spokesbear for Charmin that he managed to come out of his shell… though the newfound fame merely went to his head and the bear wound up sharing a jail cell with Justin Bieber.  The secret tape of how he got Justin to sing “Baby, Baby” that night has just been released by TMZ…

This book comes with its own Surgeon General's Warning.

This book comes with its own Surgeon General’s Warning.

Clever Camel runs the town’s repair shop and can fix anything… except the economy, the World Series, and all of the issues with WordPress.  Camel isn’t really any more clever than a regular person with a roll of duct tape, and she could do nothing to fix her brother’s image when he got fired from his cigarette advertising gig.  She also takes every Wednesday off, which is pretty damn inconvenient…

"Fuck you and your bucket, you mangy Yak!"

“Fuck you and your bucket, you mangy Yak!”

Doubtful Dog is a walking, talking, flea scratching poster canine for shitty self esteem.  He doesn’t believe in anything, including himself.  Accusing Alligator tried to evict him for shitting on the carpet and biting Camel the repairman when she showed up to fix the chewed up furniture, but his deep psychological issues got him committed to a mental institution and a room covered in puppy pads.  At last report, Dog was doubtful he would ever be released.

Is the main course ready yet?

Is the main course ready yet?

Enormous Elephant was in the Sweet Pickles bunch because 30 years ago, it was still OK to make fun of fat people.  Back in those days, when people were bullied, instead of crying to their mommy, they fought back… and since Elephant ran the town’s supermarket, it gave her a prime opportunity to exact some sweet revenge by soaking all of the produce in a vat of laxatives.  Bashful Bear had to return from Hollywood with a truckload of TP to save the day…

Five seconds later, she found her scaly body impaled on cupid's arm atop the fountain.

Five seconds later, she found her scaly body impaled on cupid’s arm atop the fountain.

Fearless Fish was an even uglier version of Evel Knievel.  She was a living monument to the fine line between bravery and stupidity.  Though there is nothing practical about being able to do a flip on a motorcycle, Fearless Fish does it anyway just because she can…. on the sixth attempt… this time not ending up in a medically induced coma.  Her death defying acrobatics wowed the creatures of Sweet Pickles until one day an errant flip sent her sailing into Elephant’s mouth…

Mismatched socks?  Hell, this goose was ahead of her time!

Mismatched socks? Hell, this goose was ahead of her time!

Goof Off Goose was the hideous creature who emerged from the bus to scare small children and adults alike in the Sweet Pickles commercials.  Why she was chosen to perform this physical activity is odd since she was the laziest one of the whole bunch.  She couldn’t be bothered to do anything, and her house was often a fucking mess.  When asked how she wound up with a spare tire among her living room disaster area, she merely replied, “Entropy” before going back to watching her “Hoarders” marathon…

A fatass is a terrible thing to waste.

A fatass is a terrible thing to waste.

How Healthy Hippo wound up with his adjective rather than the more fitting “Hypocrite Hippo” is kind of a mystery.  I guess they figured it was OK to assault kids with the consequences of adult faults, but not four bit words yet.  Hippo was the town physician, and loved to give out health tips that he quite obviously didn’t follow himself.  Like every other overweight, chain smoking doctor, it was hard to take his advice seriously without rolling your eyes.  Alligator blamed him for contracting gonorrhea, and Dog flat out called him a quack.

The result of spending too much time in the insane asylum called Sweet Pickles.

The result of spending too much time in the insane asylum called Sweet Pickles.

Imitating Iguana was one of the worst kind of creatures you will ever come into contact with… she’s a fucking copycat.  Most people loathe those who lack originality, yet can’t resist the opportunity to steal what makes someone else special.  Here we see Iguana trying to be a zebra, an elephant, a bird, and Rod Stewart all at the same time.  Whether this bonzai approach to being a douchebag is the result of that bottle of glue she’d been sniffing, or maybe the head trauma of getting beaten up too much by those who didn’t find her imitations to be funny is unknown.

SOOOOOO! Lame.

SOOOOOO! Lame.

It’s kind of hard not to feel sorry for Jealous Jackal.  His species is always associated with the Egyptian god Anubis, who is like one of the coolest figures in any culture’s mythology ever.  Yet most jackals look like wolves who spent too long on the poor side of town, and even Jealous Jackal looks like one of their outcasts.  One day, Jackal went to McDonald’s and found Imitating Iguana backing under the heat lamp after she nearly froze to death pretending to be a warm blooded creature all day long.  He was so envious of her stolen good looks, and she soooo wanted to be like Anubis’ tenth cousin, 785 times removed, that the two fell in love.  Now they are the one couple nobody in Sweet Pickles wants to invite over to a party.

I no longer draw the most hideous looking kangaroos on the planet.

I no longer draw the most hideous looking kangaroos on the planet.

Kidding Kangaroo thinks life’s better with squirting flowers, whoopie cushions, and Kick Me signs.  He’s the town jackass who poured itching powder into Dog’s flea dip, drew naughty parts on all of the posters in Dr. Hippo’s office, and put sugar in gas tank of Fearless Fish’s motorcycle just before the stunt that finally fileted her.  Kangaroo’s existence continued to be jam packed with fun at the expense of others until the day he tried to imitate Jokey Smurf’s famous exploding package trick and wound off getting shipped off to Guantanamo Bay to be waterboarded along with all of the other international terrorists…

Lion needs a hug... and a bath.

Lion needs a hug… and a bath.

Loving Lion is one of those insufferable critters who can’t make it through their day without the approval of everyone else.  He loves everybody, and all he asks for in return is constant reminders that his love is reciprocated.  Besides the curly mane and a preoccupation with hearts that have led the menagerie in Sweet Pickles to believe he’s a mascot for the other team, the main reason Lion can’t find any love is the fact that his last GF had to go into hiding after he sent 8,000 texts to her in one day while she was at work asking if she really loved him.

The Moose is a Douche.

The Moose is a Douche.

Moody Moose is the life of the party one minute, then a complete asshole the next.  It’s hard to blame him after all of those years as the main attraction at Wally World made him insanely popular.  But then he was tragically assaulted by a park patron, and the next thing Moody knew, the park had replaced him while he was out on Workman’s Comp.  One moment you’re greeting the world at the entrance to America’s theme park mecca, and then the next you’re greeting customers in their pajamas and handing out smiley faces at Mecca.  Wouldn’t you be a bit moody after a roller coaster life like that, too?

Jackal looks like he's about to bitchslap someone...

Jackal looks like he’s about to bitchslap someone…

Nasty Nightingale is a fine, feathered cunt.  There, I said it.  She isn’t nasty in the same way Janet Jackson was, Nightingale’s nastiness is the kind that can only be brought on by a lifetime of heartache and bitterness.  Maybe she was dropped out of the nest as a chick, or just got tired of everyone calling her Florence.  Today, she spends her time trolling internet message boards and blogs to share the love by starting flame wars and leaving hurtful comments.

When she gets run over by the government tank, there will be a special on calimari at Elephant's deli.

When she gets run over by the government tank, there will be a special on calimari at Elephant’s deli.

Outraged Octopus doesn’t like the world, and thinks that the only way to change it is by constantly bitching about it.  She organized a rally of one to put a stop to Fearless Fish’s ozone layer destroying stunts, she laid in front of the door at Dr. Hippo’s office when she found out he was giving out suckers to the little cubs, and she chained herself to Alligator’s apartment building because the rent was too damn high.  This last incident didn’t end so well when Nasty Nightingale came by to pour a can of salt over the self-restrained octopus.  Oh well, you can’t have ch-ch-ch-ch-changes without a little suffering…

You're right!  I can smell the bacon frying from here...

You’re right! I can smell the bacon frying from here…

Positive Pig is a porcine Pollyanna that would be a ray of sunshine peeking out over the bloody aftermath of a battlefield.  Pig’s overbearing cheeriness was quite often out of place in the dysfunctional town of Sweet Pickles.  She was so goddamn happy, she literally had rainbows coming out of her pork butt.  Nobody realized she was just high on Prozac, or that she’d fall for that invitation Kidding Kangaroo gave her to the town’s luau.  It was the one night that Positive Pig actually made every critter happy… well, except for Doubting Dog who got a bad post-party case of the shits…

Hmmmm, does potato have an E on the end of it or not?

Hmmmm, does potato have an E on the end of it or not?

Questioning Quail can’t make up her mind.  Boo fucking hoo, bitch!  You live in the same village as an elephant with an eating disorder, a fish with a death wish, and an octopus that thinks the only way to accomplish things is to impede on people’s normal routines.  Nobody cares that you can’t decide between paper and plastic, or that you’ve been totally unable to finish a Choose Your Own Adventure book.  Get over yourself, already.

Excuse me, but would you happen to have the fucking time, freak?

Excuse me, but would you happen to have the fucking time, freak?

Responsible Rabbit ain’t got no time for that.  He’s a busy little bunny who is stuck in the world of banker’s hours, meaning he probably has more free time off of work than everyone else in Sweet Pickles does.  But that doesn’t keep him from being an antisocial prick who can’t be bothered by anyone who doesn’t have a banking issue for him to solve.  Sadly, when Rabbit finally dropped dead from a heart attack due to all the stress he put upon himself, the economy of the entire town collapsed, and anarchy ensued.  Accusing Alligator naturally blamed Outraged Octopus for the downfall…

That's the most ridiculous thing I ever hoid!

That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever hoid!

Smarty Stork was the town smartass.  He was a font of useless knowledge that wasn’t afraid to soak anyone unlucky enough to cross his path.  He was also the postmaster of Sweet Pickles, which makes one wonder if whoever invented Cliff Clavin’s character wasn’t being an Imitating Iguana.  Stork knew that it was going to rain today, Stork knew that Rabbit should have never invested the bank’s money in Pets.com, Stork knew that one day we’d have glowing potatoes.  The reason Stork was so booksmart was the fact that due to the inability of anyone in the town to successfully breed, he had plenty of time on his hands from not having to deliver babies.  Stick a pickle in it, Stork… and make it a crunchy Vlasic…

I'd throw a fit too if Loving Lion was giving me "the look"...

I’d throw a fit too if Loving Lion was giving me “the look”…

Temper Tantrum Turtle gets pissed off pretty easily, which I guess you’d expect if you were stuck in a shell all your life, and Fearless Fish always used you to wax her motorcycle.  Besides being the only denizen of Sweet Pickles to have a middle name, Turtle was also well known for her legendary hissy fits.  When Rabbit raised the interest rate on her adjustable mortgage, she stormed into the bank and ripped all of the pens off of their chains.  When Kangaroo spray painted “TURD-LE” on the back of her shell, she whipped out her AK-47 and…. well, the town still doesn’t talk about that dark chapter in its history.  But even Nasty Nightingale was always nice to Turtle after that incident…

You gotta admit, having a carrot for a horn is pretty unique..

You gotta admit, having a carrot for a horn is pretty unique..

You might think all unicorns are the same, but not Sweet Pickles’ resident non-existent beast, Unique Unicorn.  The SP staff worked hard to make their unicorn as unique as possible… starting off by casting her as the old maid of the town.  Yes, Unicorn is the oldest critter in all of Sweet Pickles, yet she still pines for the days before her rainbow hair turned gray.  That exciting evening that she went down to the Bingo hall with Nasty Nightingale and Goof-off Goose was a real gas, right up to the moment Nightingale called Moody Moose a cocksucker for not calling her number.  Good times!

The sex symbol of the 70's.

The sex symbol of the 70’s.

Vain Vulture thinks he’s damn fine, and wants you to recognize his sexiness.  Nevermind that just a half hour ago, he was picking the flesh off of a dead possum that Fearless Fish had run over, or that he looks like a horrific cross between an alien, a Bond villain, and Tony Manero.  He has far too much self esteem about vulturely good looks, and should loan some of that self-love to Doubtful Dog, who would undoubtedly get more chicks than this freak who looks like he just popped out of John Hurt’s stomach…

Don't worry.  I will.  Especially once I get a good laugh after you fall and bust your ass...

Don’t worry. I will. Especially once I get a good laugh after you fall and bust your ass…

Worried Walrus does not subscribe to the Alfred E. Neuman philosophy.  He worries about everything.  He worries that Loving Lion’s Aqua Net is going to deplete the ozone layer.  He worries that Vain Vulture is going to steal his imaginary girlfriend.  He worries that one day, some idiot is going to blog about how fucked up he is.  Man up, piano teeth!

You and the Octopus can both go get fucked.

You and the Octopus can both go get fucked.

X-Rating Xerus was the unintentional result of the Sweet Pickles team forgetting how hard things were going to get once they reached the end of the alphabet and they had to come up with an animal AND a trait that started with X.  If you think Xerus looks like a squirrel, you are right!  The xerus is actually an African ground squirrel.  And though Xerus’ cover story was that she was a critter who spent all day making up signs telling all the long-haired freaky critters what they couldn’t do, we all know what X-Rating really means.  Google up the sex tape Xerus once made with Vulture, but make sure you have plenty of eye bleach on hand before you do!

And when you finish doing that... Bring in Doubtful Dog, and put out Loving Lion.

And when you finish doing that… Bring in Doubtful Dog, and put out Loving Lion.

Yakety Yak can’t shut the fuck up.  In a town populated solely by rejects, the last thing they needed on top of all of the daily drama was a big hairy beast with diarrhea of the mouth.  Yak was the village taxi driver, which is not really surprising given that he was an Asian immigrant and this was the still unpolitically correct 80’s.  You shoulda seen the time Nasty Nightingale got trapped in Yakety Yak’s taxi along with Smarty Stork.  To this day, neither of their bodies have been found.

I hope that isn't referring to his fly.

I hope that isn’t referring to his fly.

If you made it this far, you may as well get to know the final miscreant in the land of Sweet Pickles, and that’s Zany Zebra.  He likes to be different, and wants to make sure you appreciate his questionable lifestyle choices.  While we here at The Nest certainly encourage uniqueness and being true to yourself, there are also times when we wish people would shove their freak flags up their ass.  Because of the bluntness of his nonconformity, Zebra was ostracized from town.  For a while, he hooked up with fellow outcast P!nk, until she realized that she couldn’t stand anyone who was different other than herself.  Zebra was last scene on the reality show circuit, typically on some cable channel with a really high number that nobody ever watches…

This is what kids learned from in the 80's!?!?

This is what kids learned from in the 80’s!?!?

Now you know what was in all of those plastic little buses… the key to a city populated by critters even the Island of Misfit Toys wouldn’t take.  We lived and learned from these alliterative stereotypes, and we here at The Nest would like to take this time to thank the Sweet Pickles gang for showing us what we didn’t want to be when we grew up.  Or at least, what we would have learned had the creepy goose not been chosen to deliver the goods…

Go hide in your room, Timmy, while I bolt the door and get your Daddy's shotgun!

Go hide in your room, Timmy, while I bolt the door and get your Daddy’s shotgun!

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