Evil Squirrel’s Nest Comic #161 — 5/28/15

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Fox Photo

This has been me pretty much all this week.

This has been me pretty much all this week.

My first full week back to work after taking a vacay is always hell on my poor, aging, decrepit body that was so used to doing absolutely nothing for nine days.  I haven’t done a whole lot except work and sleep since Friday night… but my weekend has finally arrived, so as Howard Jones once said, things will only get better.  And with any luck, over the next couple days, I’ll be able to catch up on all of your posts I’ve missed the past few days.  No, I haven’t forsaken you….. I’m just….. tired.

Let’s kick off my Friday evening with another wonderfully Serendipitous Photo Prompt, hosted by Marilyn!

Those of you who’ve been around my blog for a while know I have a whole shelf full of critters of all shapes and sizes that watches over me as I create the dreck you see at The Nest.  Here’s a group shot I took not too long ago:

They won't let me have all of this stuff when I finally end up in the padded room.

They won’t let me have all of this stuff when I finally end up in the padded room.

I have more squirrels than you can shake a stick at, plenty of ponies and unihorned equines (mostly provided by my dear readers), a couple raccoons, some skunks, even a chew toy possum!

But do you know what animal I’ve long sought after and always came up empty on obtaining…..?

Why can't I join the shelf?

Why can’t I join the shelf?

Before Evil Squirrel came along, I drew a hell of a lot of foxes.  How the species came to be represented in my comic solely by a lone, rarely appearing bartender is a bit of a mystery to me.  But I totally adore the fiery orange little rascals, and when me and my sister stopped off at one of those souvenir shops that has EVERYTHING on the way home from Kansas City last Thursday… I went in looking to buy only one thing… a damn fox!

Naturally, there was not a single vulpine figurine to be found… and they had collectibles of just about every animal you can imagine.  Heck, I picked this up from the same shop on last year’s trip!

Where else can you buy a rain gauge being held by a skunk other than a shop that sells EVERYTHING?

Where else can you buy a rain gauge being held by a skunk other than a shop that sells EVERYTHING?

But after touring their voluminous wares, I doubled back to the plushie section…. and scored this!

Off the charts cuteness.

Off the charts cuteness.

He’s a Ty product, which means like those stupid Cabbage Patch Kids, he came with a name and a birthday.  Meet Slick… birthday May 1st.  Slick’s too sly to give us his actual age, though I’d imagine he’s a bit younger than Grace.  His tag also came with these quirky words of wisdom:

I’m sly in the forest, I hide under wood
A visit from hunters would never be good.

If he wasn’t so fucking adorable, I’d smack the shit out of him for the most horrendous poetry ever written outside of one of my fourth grade haikus.  But I finally caught my fox, and I completed my photo prompt, and I’m damn proud of myself for getting this far today!  It’s gonna be a great weekend!

Well, unless you were unfortunate enough to have attended my fake party last night...

Well, unless you were unfortunate enough to have attended my fake party last night…

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Give ‘Em A Brake

bumper sticker

The Nest’s company vehicle clearly states our highway philosophy… if you can see it from underneath all of the dirt.

Squirrels were put on this earth by the Higher Power of your choice to scurry about the land and run in complete freedom, as we all would were it not for urban sprawl and aching squirrelsinnewsjoints.  Unfortunately, that Power must not have predicted that one day we would have roads, and several ton vehicles that travel faster than a speeding cheetah.  Because of this incompatible overlap of nature’s beauty with human engineering, numerous unfortunate incidents have occurred when these two immovable forced have met.  99.9% of the time, man triumphs over beast and the result is a flat squirrel that will feed a possum family of four.  But every once in a while, the squirrel wins, and the results can leave man looking embarrassed as he tries to explain the mess to the insurance company.

Well officer.... you see, this crash test squirrel ran out in the road, and...

Well officer…. you see, this crash test squirrel ran out in the road, and…

My friend Saucy from the message board, who always keeps me in the know about sciurine news from north of the border, informed me about a slight vehicle mishap that happened in British Columbia this past Friday morning.  Apparently, a 53 year old man from the city of Nanaimo on Vancouver Island was driving along the highway during the busy morning rush when a squirrel got a sudden urge to play a real life game of Frogger with people who were only interested in getting to work as fast as possible.

squirrel

Not quite rush hour traffic, but The Nest’s camera crew did not arrive on the scene in time to get a picture of the true culprit.

This unidentified man, who will forever be a hero to all of us at Evil Squirrel’s Nest, did not want to turn this furry little adventurer into Canadian bacon.  So he slammed on the brakes in his Nissan pickup, and saved the critter’s life!

YAY!!!  I love a happy ending!!!

YAY!!! I love a happy ending!!!

Unfortunately, when driving during rush hour at highway speeds that reach triple digits on the Canadian kilometric scale we don’t use, this heroic action can also lead to dire consequences.  Like getting rear ended by a commercial food truck…

bimbo truck

Which in turn got slammed into by a GMC pickup…

gmc truck

Which got rammed from behind by a Mazda pickup!

Not even NASCAR has wrecks like this!

Not even NASCAR has wrecks like this!

That’s four trucks that quickly formed one mangled conga line due to the unwillingness of one friendly Canuck to squish a jaywalking squirrel, and amazingly, nobody was injured in this demolition derby.  Those three drivers behind our anonymous hero are going to have a lot of explaining to do to their insurance companies since rear-enders are almost universally the fault of the rammer.  As for the man who helped cause this all… well, we would recommend he cut loose with a loonie or two buy himself one of these to warn any future tailgaters.

You should see the moronic bumper sticker this clown in front of me has... hold on while I post it to my Facebook account!

You should see the moronic bumper sticker this clown in front of me has… hold on while I post a selfie with it to my Facebook account!

And while some of you heartless creatures out there may think that the collateral damage is not worth sparing the life of one wandering squirrel, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police issued this statement to show you who the real dumbasses are in this story…

Sudden braking on highways where speeds average 90-110 kph is dangerous and may cause collisions. Drivers always need to be aware of their actions. We also remind drivers to leave ample distance between them and the vehicles they are following” said Constable Gary O’Brien of the Nanaimo RCMP

As usual, it's Snidely's fault for not keeping a safe following distance behind my horse.

As usual, it’s Snidely’s fault for not keeping a safe following distance behind my horse.

So there you have it!  Next time you’re out on the road… remember to not only watch out for squirrels, but stay at least fifty car lengths behind the driver in front of you for everyone’s safety.  Together, we can share the road with our furry little critters… even if it does mean you will be late for my fake anniversary party I’m throwing tonight that you all received fake invitations for.  Be sure to bring some fake gifts, or I won’t let you have any of my fake cake…

Thank you WordPress Helper Monkeys for turning May 26th into an annual party for no reason since I my real anniversary date in December 24th.

Thank you WordPress Helper Monkeys for turning May 26th into an annual celebration for absolutely no fucking reason since my real anniversary date is December 24th.

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A New Attitude

I have nothing Toulouse by posting this...

I have nothing Toulouse by posting this…

I was so happy to learn about the ability to schedule posts on WordPress last year, because it’s a given that by the time this entry goes live, I’ll be too worn out from my first week back at work to even remember that I pre-typed it in the first place.  So lack of motivation will not be able to stop me from continuing on with The Nest’s ear-numbing look into the Top 30 Cover Songs of All Time.  Scratchy and the Sponks didn’t get any time off, not even for Memorial Day, so needless to say they are without sympathy and pity for me having to carry on… I just hope they don’t play the next song too loud so I can get some sleep!

top30covers

#19. “Lady Marmalade” – Christina Aguilera, Pink, Lil Kim and Mya

Labelle was a trio formed out of the ashes of numerous other girl groups of the late 60’s that was a little bit glam, a little bit disco, and a whole lot of R&B.  The group took its name from lead singer Patti LaBelle, who would go on to have quite the successful solo career after the nightbirds were broken up… but not before she belted it out on the group’s biggest hit, 1974’s “Lady Marmalade.”  The song was quite the provocative little number for the 70’s… especially if you knew French.

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?

Then again… as glitzy glamorous as the Labelle singers looked while propositioning themselves to total strangers, by 21st century standards, the song apparently seemed too prudish.  For the 2001 blockbuster movie “Moulin Rouge,” the biggest sluts divas in pop music were assembled to make “Marmalade” just a little bit hotter.  I never cared much for the Labelle original, but this…… this is just…… well, I’m not sure what it is, but it’s my #19 cover song, dammit!

If you were brave enough to watch that video, I’ll give you a few seconds to recover from what you just saw…

Remember when they thought this was too hot for MTV?

Remember when they thought this was too hot for MTV?

Watching Christina, Pink and the gals strut around and do their best strip club dancing is fun, wholesome entertainment for the whole family.  But it has nothing to do with why this song appeals to me so much (Seriously, I just watched the video for the first time when I looked it up for this post!)  No, this may be the most ironic entry in my cover song countdown simply because my favorite part of the performance is something that doesn’t even appear in the Labelle original…

What?

What?

While Mya, Pink, and Xtina each take turns belting out one of the song’s original verses, Lil Kim ain’t having none of that shit.  She slots herself third in the lineup and goes for hers with one of the most epically badass raps in the history of the human mouth.  Not a thing Miss Kim says was ever uttered by Labelle, but who cares?  Christina may consider herself the star of this quartet, but Lil Kim absolutely fucking stole this song out from every one of them.  Don’t care for it?  Well, that’s you and I’m sorry…

Like, "word" and all that shit!

Like, “word” and all that shit!

Both versions of this song wound up going to #1, but obviously only one of them could crack the Top 30 countdown.  Join me again next week as another diva shows the girl groups of old how it should have been done…

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Trophy Squirrel

How many more hours do I have to pose like this?

How many more hours do I have to pose like this?

You may recall the character Hickory from “The Wizard of Oz” proclaiming that one day they would build a statue of him in this town… foreshadowing his later role in the movie as a rusted tin junkpile.  This squirrel is not about to wait for his own glorious day to come… he is going to sqturday squirrel logoact now and become a living monument to the amazing and cute world of sciurinedom.

This was one of a whole slew of pictures I took while roaming the park last Monday.  If you are wondering, the brick is etched on top with some person’s name for whom the tree is in memorial of.  Yet, at the angle I took this picture from, the squirrel is almost perfectly positioned over it that it appears instead to be the base of a statue or trophy that the critter has been featured on.  Sure, you may have to squint a bit and use your imagination to see it… but the timely alignment in this photo tickled me nonetheless.  Now, in honor of this picture’s awesomeness, I’ll have to contact the park district and have that brick re-commissioned to pay tribute to this week’s well-sculpted Saturday Squirrel.  Just please keep the pigeons away…

Have a great Memorial Day weekend everybody!

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