Toejam Football

There's a fungus among us...

There’s a fungus among us…

friday tvOne of the general rules of advertising is to make sure your message to the masses doesn’t end up turning off consumers with excess cash burning a hole in their pocket.  Cute babies and animals will always do the trick, not to mention they’ll probably work for treats.  Having plenty of young, demographically pleasing twenty-somethings on hand to show how much fun your product can be is another sure winner… especially if you remember to include plenty of cleavage.  And you can never go wrong with a good, old fashioned paid celebrity endorsement since everyone wants to be just like their overbloated idols…

Yeah, boys and girls! Huggies Pull Ups are just what you need for those nights when you pass out from binge drinking and don't want to wet the bed! Take it from Da Biebs!

Yeah, boys and girls! Huggies Pull Ups are just what you need for those nights when you pass out from binge drinking and don’t want to wet the bed! Take it from Da Biebs!

Going against that conventional wisdom, another more effective way to get the attention of your target audience is to gross them the fuck out.  The same culture that takes a perverse pleasure out of watching a zombie in a hockey mask whack off the heads of innocent teens over and over again will totally freak out if you bring up the fact that you had a mild case of the runs the night before.  Bodily functions seem to instinctively make us ill… and if something out there we can’t see may wreak icky, grody havoc on us, we don’t want to know about it!

Don't tell me how many germs are on these buns... I'm not listening!

Don’t tell me how many germs are on these buns… I’m not listening!

But is you’re selling something that can help protect people from these real or imagined invisible dangers, you want to make damned sure to let everyone know just how graphically disgusting these microscopic monsters can be.  This is why those junk mail ads for companies that will come out and clean your ductwork make sure to include creepy images of dust mites magnified ten billion times their normal size so that they look like a reject from a 1950’s B horror movie.  Who wouldn’t overpay for the peace of mind that comes with making sure this doesn’t greet you at the kitchen table one day…

Hey. baby! I hope you don't mind... invited a few million of my friends over for dinner.

Hey. baby! I hope you don’t mind… I invited a few million of my friends over for dinner.

This tactic has been taken to truly crazy lengths by several pharmaceutical companies who have to make enough money to pay all of those class action lawsuits by pitching remedies for everything from eye boogers to jock itch.  In 2003, several years before Mucinex anthropomorphized globs of snot for our viewing pleasure, the advertising geniuses behind Lamisil decided it would be a great idea to bring the wonderful world of toenail fungus to life…

Meet Digger the Dermataphyte!  No, Digger isn’t a he/she freak show, dermataphyte is just a fancy name educated people in lab coats use to discuss toenail fungus in uppity medical journals.  Isn’t he just adorable, though?  Digger loves you so much, he wants to make himself at home under your toenail.

Ow! Forget the creepy Monsters Inc. castoff... I'm wincing just from that toenail being lifted off its bed!

Ow! Forget the creepy Monsters Inc. castoff… I’m wincing just from that toenail being lifted off its bed!

Like every other naive bad guy to ever do compensated endorsements for a medicine commercial, Digger starts off by bragging about all of the damage he’s doing to your delicate insides and how you’ll never be able to rid your body of his villainous ways.  It seems dermataphytes like to wallow in their own fungal filth, so he and all of his toadstool friends just start shitting nasty yellow spores all over the tender underside of your toenail.  Hope you didn’t eat before this commercial ambushed you in prime time…

I could sure go for some moldy bread right now!

I could sure go for some moldy bread right now!

Short of sticking an icepick under there, you’re never going to stop digger and his buddies from unleashing their moldy mayhem underneath your lower lunulas.  Fortunately for you, Lamisil has a pill with a fungicide that works through the bloodstream, penetrating the layers and layers of crusty yellow dermataphyte filth to punch Digger and the boys in their penicillin producing penises, and make them run away screaming like the creepy little bullies they are.  If you don’t believe what you see on your TV screens, go dig through your grandma’s magazine rack and see Lamisil’s print ad in The Saturday Evening Post next to the coupon for Burma Shave.

It's just such a Rockwellesque scene, isn't it?

It’s just such a Rockwellian scene, isn’t it?

Of course, wonder drugs like Lamisil are never quite the panacea the drug companies make them out to be.  There’s always that list of side effects that have to legally be included in prescription medicine advertising that make taking the drug a virtual game of Russian roulette…

Lamisil isn’t for people with liver or kidney problems.

Well, shit! Oh wait... Digger? Is that you, Cuz?

Well, shit! Oh wait… Digger? Is that you, Cuz?

In rare cases, serious skin reactions have occurred…

Well, at least my toenails are all purty!

Well, at least my toenails are all purty!

Other side effects were generally mild, like headache…

I'll never get rid of this toenail fungus! Never!!!

I’ll never get rid of this toenail fungus! Never!!!

Diarrhea…

Aren't you glad Pepto Bismol doesn't use an anthropomorphic mascot...

Aren’t you glad Pepto Bismol doesn’t use an anthropomorphic mascot…

Indigestion…

Also a side effect of reading The Nest.

Also a side effect of reading The Nest.

And rash.

Pass the Butt Paste.

Pass the Butt Paste.

Well, even if you’re still willing to risk taking a pill to cure your yellow toenails, don’t break out those sexy flip flops just yet.  In fact, you may want to just go ahead and throw them away permanently.  You see, Lamisil promises to evict Digger from the toenail projects, but like any good slumlord, it won’t do a fucking thing about the mess he ends up leaving behind.  All that yellow gunk stubbornly stuck to the underbelly of your toenail like those stretch marks tiger stripes on your hips isn’t going to magically go away just because you’re now dermataphyte free.  You gotta wait for your body to naturally wallpaper over it just like a cheap interior designer would cover up a hole in the plaster…

10 to 12 months to grow a new nail!?!? It only takes 9 months to make a fucking brand new human being!

10 to 12 months to grow a new toenail!?!? It only takes 9 months to make a fucking brand new human being!

While I may be in the minority, most people enjoy showing off their tootsies to the world…. but nobody wants that pediview to be ruined by nasty yellow toenails.  So for making us take action by not being afraid to show us the ugly face of footsie fungus, today The Nest salutes Lamisil and Digger the dermataphyte for going deep undercover to make our phalanges fungus free, even if we’ll still have to keep breaking out the socks and toenail polish for a year.  Thanks to your miracle of modern medicine, our third little piggy will finally be able to enjoy his roast beef without it being dry rubbed in a flaky yellow batter…

Here at The Nest, we proudly give you the middle toe.

Here at The Nest, we proudly give you the middle toe.

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Evil Squirrel’s Nest Comic #175 — 9/3/15

comic90315

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Cold As Ice

Winter is just around the corner!

Winter is just around the corner!

It’s time for another Wednesday Photo Prompt led by our fearless leader Marilyn at the Serendipity blog.  It’s ballgame night again, so this one’s gonna be somewhat quick and painless.  I realized Monday morning as I made my favorite summertime treat that I haven’t really talked about it much on my blog before…. so I got out the camera and snapped a picture of all I need to keep cool on a hot summer day…

No, it's not a Mr. Fusion.

No, it’s not a Mr. Fusion.

Here’s everything I need to make a shaved ice treat!  OK, that’s the only time I’m going to refer to it as shaved ice rather than a SNO CONE like it really is.  And no, not that snowball shaped shit we made as kids in our little Snoopy Doghouse… but a real squirrel’s man’s sno cone.

On the right is my Rival sno cone maker, which I bought from my Mecca way back in the Spring of 2003.  It’s crushed untold thousands of ice cubes over the past 13 summers, and is still chugging along like a maniac with a machete in a bad horror film.

The cup came from Mecca’s summer plastics collection that same year.  “Summer plastics” are that cheap ass, bright colored tableware garbage every store sells each Spring and Summer that’s supposed to be used for outdoor dining, but usually is just bought instead as a cheap everyday alternative to real plates and glasses.  Like everything that was ever made during the first term of the Dubya Administration, the cup is very patriotically themed.

That plastic spoon is almost as old as the cup.  No, I’m not kidding.  About a year or two into my sno cone making hobby, I just decided it would make sense to keep reusing the same spoon rather than get a new one each time (And eating crushed ice with a metal spoon hurts my teeth more than the thought of chewing on foil).  Who says America can’t make a good, durable plastic spoon?

And then there’s the syrup…

If only they sold it by the keg...

If only they sold it by the keg…

Because Mecca made the incredibly ignorant decision to switch to selling Hawaiian Punch sno cone syrup in 2012, and apparently real grocery stores around here don’t sell it, I’ve had to resort to ordering my syrup online so I can get my cherry.  I don’t even know why they bother making other flavors of sno cone syrup… cherry is the bomb.  With the shipping, it comes to about $5 a bottle, though they’re good sized containers, and…… CHERRY!!!

The extra expense is totally worth it to get this result…

Doesn't that give you a chill just looking at it?

Doesn’t that give you brain freeze just looking at it?

I better enjoy them before it gets too cold to eat a big cup full of flavored ice…

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Archival Footage

Reading this blog can be such torture!

Reading this blog can be such torture!

Those of you who have suffered been around my blog for a while know that I have a tendency to recycle images as I sprinkle them liberally through my fine, funny posts here at The Nest.  Draliman certainly noticed, as he made a comment regarding a couple of my frequently appearing images on last Friday’s post.  I like to recycle archived images quite a bit… not only because I’m lazy, but for the practical benefit that it conserves the precious storage space WordPress allows for my visual porn.  And while I wear out my own drawings and photos… a number of those frequently appearing images are ones I mooched off of the internet, where due to its viral nature, any non-watermarked photo can suddenly become de-facto public domain.  In fact, most of my absolute favorites technically do not even belong to me…

I should be ashamed of myself.

I should be ashamed of myself.

I have always wondered what my most reused images are on this blog, but so far as I can tell, there is no dashboard tool that allows you to track how often the media in your archive is used.  That doesn’t mean I can’t still celebrate my favorites… so to completely bore the hell out of you celebrate The Nest’s favorite pixellated memes, I’m presenting my personal Top 10 favorite images that I frequently use on my blog!

Time to lay a couple ground rules…

I've got my Crayola ready.

I’ve got my Crayola ready.

First off, anything I drew or photographed is off limits.  These are my favorites I stole off of Google, so no matter how much I absolutely adore the frequently used photo I took of Ody with my fake Millionaire check, it’s not going to appear in this countdown…

Fine... see if I share any of my bounty with you.

Fine… see if I share any of my bounty with you.

Also, I’m going to set an arbitrary limit of photos having to appear in at least three posts to be considered serial images.  While it’s impossible for me to go back and see exactly how many times I’ve used each picture before, I have a good idea of ones I’ve used more than a couple times.  So that means that despite an incredible 295 all-time searches for “xxxxxxxxxxxl” which have all pointed Google users to the fat man picture I used in one retro ad post a year and a half ago, it’s not going to show up in the countdown either.

I figured I'd spare you all the unsightly visual..... um..... oops!

I figured I’d spare you all the unsightly visual….. um….. oops!

Well, let’s get started with the countdown, shall we?

10. “I’m At A Payphone”

Hello? Is this Adam Levine?

Hello? Is this Adam Levine?

I originally used this picture of some goofball pretending to use a payphone to lead off my October 2013 retro ad tribute to the cheesy 1-800- COLLECT commercials of the late 90’s, and it’s continued to be used as a cheap source of entertainment whenever I needed a gag about some douchebag using obsolete telecommunications technology.  It was my go-to for numerous phone-a-friend references during my Millionaire Journey.

9. “I Strip For Singles”

Ever wonder why those vending machines keep rejecting your one dollar bill?

Ever wonder why those vending machines keep rejecting your one dollar bill?

This was the image I recycled Friday that prompted Drali’s comment.  The Nest’s favorite stripper first appeared in my retro ad post about the Sacagawea dollar coin and the shitty commercial that helped it fail.  Our working girl has also slaved hard to provide many stiff gags in later posts.  Every time I use that image, though, I always have to check the pile to see if one of those bills has my “Where’s George?” stamp on it…

8. “The Possum and the Hound”

This is not how I hoped to go viral.

This is not how I hoped to go viral.

One of the many possum themed pictures I first used in The Nest’s most read post of all time, “Playing Possum,” the look on the dog’s face keeps me reaching for it again and again when I need visual comic relief.  That pooch doesn’t seem too happy to be posing over that marsupial that may or may not have pulled a Buster and expired.  Not exactly possum’s best friend…

7. “Textbook Texting”

The future of our world, ladies and gentlemen. May Dog help us all.

The future of our world, ladies and gentlemen. May Dog help us all.

I would love to think this photo of a class in session where over half the kids have their noses in a phone instead of a book was set up… but sadly, this is probably what school is truly like these days.  I once had a substitute teacher in junior high shop class show us a movie with sex scene that had more control over the class than whoever is teaching this world’s most estupido Spanish class.  If it weren’t for Horshack back there by the tarea board wanting to know if he can have a hall pass to take a toke leak, you probably wouldn’t even think there was any adult supervision in this room full of Generation Twit.

Oh, I first used it in my post about old school classroom globes, the last true Flashback Friday post I ever did, and when I need to mock some morons on their cellphones, I often turn to Senorita Puta’s class.

6. “Da Biebs!”

Oh, fuck yeah!  I knew I'd end up making the countdown!  W00000000t!!!!

Oh, fuck yeah! I knew I’d end up making the countdown! W00000000t!!!!

This scary photo of worldwide douchebag singing sensation Justin Bieber getting wild and crazy first appeared in my tribute to Roundup weed killer last year, and has been there for me whenever I need to reference the Canadian asshat.  In this one humble image, you can tell just how fucking annoying this clown really is.

5. “The Frat Boys”

Keep on chuggin'.

Keep on chuggin’.

My favorite underdog of the countdown, this picture just cracks my ass up every time I use it.  The goofball with the curly locks chugging down one stein of beer while reaching for more, his poor guy on the left who looks like he’s about to go down for the alcohol poisoning count, the dark haired loser in the background whose liver seems to have just quit on him.  I first uploaded this shot for my dressing room tales portion of the Millionaire Journey, and I’ve only used it a few more times since.  I must change that… these stereotypical frat boys represent everything I never did in college…

4. “Bronyman!”

OK, I'll admit.  I am jealous of his collection...

OK, I’ll admit. I am jealous of his collection…

I first used this creepy adorable photo of the gentleman I dubbed Bronyman in the first of my two-part series on the concept of cute two years ago.  I still can’t get over just how awesome this picture is… there’s the sly, somewhat offsetting smile of Bronyman, almost daring you to say something derogatory about him.  But what totally fucking makes this image is the lady in the background who just looks completely embarrassed to be seen sitting next to some portly dude and his hundreds of My Little Pony dolls.  Nevermind her, Bronyman… you just keep going with your bad self!

3. “Bathroom Breakfast”

The unflushable taste of Cheerios!

The unflushable taste of Cheerios!

My retro ad roasting of Cocoa Krispies brought into my blog’s collection this hilariously disgusting image of a man eating cereal out of a toilet bowl.  I just typed “toilet cereal” into Google, and BAM!  This epic pic has been my go-to when I need a visual comedic reference to breakfast or cereal…

2. “Real Men Drink Zima”

The Frat Boys... 10 years later.

The Frat Boys… 10 years later.

What seemed like a throwaway image I uploaded for my send-up of Zima in 2013 has wound up becoming one of my most reused and beloved photos from my archive.  Obviously, it’s the middle Stooge in this picture that totally makes it for me… not only is he apparently the only person who ever got drunk off of alcoholic Sprite, but the way he’s holding the bottle with a finger extended just makes him the perfect representative for what became known as the girly man’s drink of choice.  His domestic partner on the right is totally on the Zima bandwagon, unlike the man in the foreground who is drinking some unnamed beer.  But hey, at least he’s wearing a pink shirt and tie…

1. “Dishwasher Dog”

The only reason some of you keep coming back to my blog in the first place.

The only reason some of you keep coming back to my blog in the first place.

What has become in a way my blog’s most iconic image is also the most recently uploaded picture in this countdown.  If you were here for my Millionaire Journey last Spring/Summer/Fall, then you knew Dishwasher Dog was going to take the #1 spot.  Since it was a dishwasher Amy Turner hoped to buy with her winnings, I needed an appropriate but humorous picture to accompany the post covering her excruciating $32,000 question, and hit the jackpot with this photo of a dog inside the dishwasher licking the tableware clean.  Several readers commented on how much they enjoyed Dishwasher Dog, so I made him a running gag throughout the rest of the series, and even gave him the honor of being my lead image for last year’s Best of The Nest post!

Is this The Nest's complaint line?  Yeah, I want to know how come I didn't make the countdown... what in the hell is up with this shitty hold muzak!?!?

Is this The Nest’s complaint line? Yeah, I want to know how come I didn’t make the countdown… and who in the hell is came up with this shitty hold muzak, some freaky unicorn!?!?

So, are there any favorite images I tend to use often on my blog that you didn’t see listed here?  Do you have any favorite images you like to run into the ground on your blog?  Did you even bother to read a post that clocked in at almost 1600 words, yet was primarily about pictures?

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Posted in Squirrel Droppings | Tagged , , , , , , | 30 Comments

Pucker Up

Why you should never go to the game with your sister.

Why you should never go to the game with your sister.

Happy Monday everyone!  Summer is winding down like a roll of toilet paper in a truck stop john, and so is The Nest’s look at the greatest songs that sounded better the second time through the turntable.  Welcome to the next post in my Top 30 Cover Songs of All Time countdown, and today we are finally into the Top Five!!!  OMG, it’s really getting goose pimply exciting now, isn’t it?  DJ Scratchy and the Sponks have got a nice, romantic number on tap for you’re tympanic pleasure this week… which would be perfect for anyone celebrating an anniversary today, like my Mom and Dad.  Happy happy you two!

top30covers

#5. “Kiss” – Tom Jones with The Art of Noise

You have to be either really special or a real diva to need go by just one symbol name in this world, and Prince fits the bill on both counts.  The Purple One was pretty damn big in the 80’s despite the fact that I was never all that delirious for him.  Prince is also one of those really stuck up artists who thinks his material is too good to share with the unwashed masses who can’t afford to keep him covered up in little red Corvettes and raspberry berets.  Because of that, you don’t get a YouTube link to his 1986 #1 hit “Kiss” because there isn’t one.  That’s his loss, not yours, trust me…

Make sure you spell my symbol correctly on the royalty check I'm demanding for using my image on this pathetic little blog of yours, ES.

Make sure you spell my symbol correctly on the royalty check I’m demanding for using my image on this pathetic little blog of yours, ES.

Even Prince can’t stop his songs from being covered, so it was fair game for the oddball pairing of 60’s singing sensation Tom Jones and the 80’s most anonymous group, The Art of Noise, to team up on “Kiss” in 1988.  And if this were the World Series of Love, these two strange bedfellows would have knocked one clear out of the ballpark with this kickass little cover!!!

Sorry Prince, but the artist formerly known as Thomas Woodward totally fucking schooled you on how to sound seductive while actually having a little fun at the same time.  Your whiny little bitch version would make doves cry blood from their ears…

The Prince of Rodents

Well, at least this squirrel still seems to be a Prince fan.

It’s not unusual to think of groupies flinging panties on stage when the name Tom Jones comes up… but besides being one pair of assless chaps away from a Chippendale dancer, he also happens to be one of the most versatile performers in the entire music industry.  Far from just a purveyor of pop, Tom will do any genre, any time, and often do it better than those who do it for a living.  Country?  Yeah, he can unbutton a cowboy shirt.  Gospel?  There’s always time for confession after the show.  Hip hop?

Fuck yeah Tom Jones can do hip hop.

What up, Pussycat?

What up, Pussycat?

As for the other half who helped make this song great, The Art of Noise was without doubt one of the strangest “bands” of the 80’s, which of course is really saying something.  They were one of the first groups to make music almost exclusively from computers and sampling machines, rarely showing up on stage or coming out in the open for public appearances.  Prior to “Kiss”, they were probably best known for the extremely wacky video “Close To The Edit” and their remake of the Spy Hunter Peter Gunn theme where they borrowed the talent of another music legend from the past, Duane Eddy.  They also fittingly sampled both of these earlier works during Kiss’ intermezzo…

This man is not afraid to hold him wiener in front of a little girl... he must've went to Jared.

This man is not afraid to hold his wiener in front of a little girl… he must’ve went to Jared.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this week’s musical peck on the cheek.  If you promise to act your age and not your shoe size, I’ll return with the fourth best cover of all time next Monday… which I promise will be far and away the most fucked up song in my entire countdown.

Posted in Cover Song Countdown | Tagged , , , , , , | 25 Comments