This post has the official Bronyman Cutie Mark of Approval.
It’s the funnest day of the week at The Nest…. Friday! That means it’s time once again for one of my beloved readers to pick up a pointy stick and prompt the squirrel! The good news is that I gained a couple more prompts over the week to get the amps up to 11… which means this series will last until at least June 19th now! The bad news is…. there’s still a bunch of you who haven’t joined in on the fun yet! Come on, it’s quick and painless…. submit a prompt for me via the contact form in this post, and get your day to be my inspiration! I like a lot of the suggestions so far… and even the more challenging ones should still be a lot of fun once it comes time to put keyboard to editor…
Dammit!!!! What moron suggested this anyway!
Upon looking at the suggestions in my mailbag, this week I decided to pull out the one sent to me by The Cutter. Cutter’s gravatar stands out for its awesomeness… a silhouette of Rainbow Dash with the word “Brony” written over it. Cutter adopted the
stigma term when he realized just how down he was with the current iteration of My Little Pony due to the incessant viewing of the series by his daughter, The Cutlet. And naturally, he turned to his fascination when he decided to prompt me…
“It’s gotta involve ponies in some way.”
Well…. (turns around to look at the critter shelf)… I think I can take care of that. I’ve become quite familiar with the characters through the proliferation of Bronies in the furry art world that I follow, and as it would turn out, I have a small handful of them staring down the bald spot in the back of my head as we speak…
From left to right, that’s Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, Vinyl Scratch (DJ Scratchy as we like to call her at The Nest), and Applejack. From the cheerful looks on all of their faces, they obviously have no idea what kind of torture I’m about to put them through for this post. I’m going to have the mares check out what fun things insomniacs can watch on TV at two in the morning on a late Thursday night! OK gals… let’s dim the lights and see what the boob tube’s playing at this ungodly hour…
AJ: Mmmmm, food glorious food!
VINYL: What in the hell kind of name is Wolfgang Puck? Puck Puck bo Buck, banana banna bo Fu….
TS: That’s not quite the food of the gods, is it Luna?
LUNA: Shiiiit, Celestia couldn’t cook a sinner in boiled oil. We’d starve at the palace if it weren’t for the hired help.
TS: Hey, that cutie in the middle looks familiar!
AJ: Oh my gosh! That’s… that’s….
VINYL: It’s Joey Fucking McIntyre from New Kids on the Block. Seriously… if I woke up and saw that at 2 AM, I’d never be able to sleep again.
TS and AJ: Swooooooooooon!
VINYL: You two are pathetic! Luna, why don’t you tell them….
VINYL: Oh, for Celestia’s sake, put your highness’ tongue back in your highness’ mouth…
TS: Now there’s a bargain! A silver dollar for fifty bucks.
LUNA: How stupid mortals must be to buy shit like this at a time when they’re not awake enough to do the math.
AJ: 1988? That was way back before us ponies got cute!
VINYL: I’m a Seoul Man…. dunna-da-dun-da-dun-da-da, I’m a Seoul Man!
AJ: I dunno about y’all, but I could definitely go for a less frizzy mane.
LUNA: But it’s only 90% less frizzy. Who did the calculations on that anyway to determine the exact percentage?
TS: Actually, there’s a formula to figure out frizziness… d(x) = f(x³ – y²) / pi….
VINYL: Nobody asked you, Egghead.
AJ: Hey Luna! If we’re all descended from a common pony, why do we all have different DNA?
VINYL: You mean like Maury Povich?
LUNA: Why is all of the stupid shit on after the sun goes down? As the Princess of Night, I demand that only quality television be aired after dark!
AJ: Because WHO asked?
LUNA: As a goddess, I do not find this to be amusing.
TS: I still have faith in you, Princess… even though you made me into a bad Mecca cake decoration.
VINYL: If I had a hammer, I’d hammer goddesses heads in the morning, I’d hammer goddesses heads in the evening, all over Ponyland!
LUNA: (glares) Hell will be too good for you, heathen unicorn!
LUNA: Oooh, only $112.80 for a pair of fucking shoes.
TS: But they’re so cuuuuuuuuuute!
AJ: So are my cowboy boots, and they’ll at least keep me from breaking a hoof next time Big Mac drops a bushel of apples on my foot.
VINYL: That looks like some shit Octavia would wear. I need to go wake her up…
VINYL: Ack! C-SPAN!
AJ: Even the dudes in the background have all nodded off!
TS: The pitcher of water always cracks me up. Who wants to drink tepid tap water while discussing military capabilities in the Pacific?
LUNA: I feel the magical capabilities in my horn welling up. I’ll change that pitcher to beer…. that’ll make C-SPAN more interesting!
VINYL: Let’s get physical! Physical!
LUNA: I got a pair of yoga pants just like that… and I look quite heavenly in them, if I do say so myself.
TS: The dude that’s eying her up is kinda creepy looking… is that a tank top with glowing stars? He’d get his ass kicked in a real gym for wearing that.
AJ: Why are there so many balls in the background?
VINYL: Heh heh heh! Balls!
LUNA: Well….. anypony?
VINYL: Like you wouldn’t know, being all omniscient and shit.
TS: I…. I gotta pee. I’ll be back….
AJ: Wow! I haven’t seen this creature since I was a l’il filly!
LUNA: I thought I banished this fiend to the glue factory back in the 90’s! I have no words to describe the anguish he put so many young foals through during his heyday.
TS: I love you….. You love me…. hey, don’t hate! I love Barney!
VINYL: Open the door, get on the floor. Everybody kill the dinosaur!
TS: Ummmmm… “School of Rock?” I think AMC needs to look up the definition of the word “classic”…
VINYL: The acronym doesn’t mean anything anymore. All cable channels have done the KFC thing now… they’re just letters left over from a past existence that mean absolutely nothing.
LUNA: See – TLC
AJ: Mmmmm, Jack Black’s got my cider boiling.
LUNA: Well… nothing quite spices up the night like a nice, romantic kiss.
AJ: And all the fun stuff it leads to!
VINYL: I kissed a girl and I liked it…
TS: You probably have before, Scratchy.
VINYL: Just ask yo’ mama, Twi….
LUNA: Now I know what to get you for your birthday, Scratchy!
LUNA: Expensive, sure, but I could dip into the palace’s treasury…
VINYL: I swear… if anyone gets me some shit from Keith Urban… goddess or not, I will gore somepony with my horn!
AJ: Yeehaw! We country mares luv ya, Keith!
VINYL: OK, anyone up on their Brit politics to have any idea what this means?
TS: Given the margin of error, it mathematically means dip diddly squat. And shouldn’t that be “errour?”
LUNA: Goddesses like myself allow no margin for errour! This is also why we abhour democracy in our ponydom!
AJ: I wonder who the Others Party is? 5% of the people like their mysterious platform to the rest of the candidates.
TS: Pick it up! It’s a gimme!
LUNA: I love to see all of the green space we created on this planet be put to such important use as hitting a tiny ball around until you lose it in a hole.
LUNA: So, if ES had someone pay him to make a post on his blog, he wouldn’t be responsible for the content it contained or the opinions it expressed?
TS: I call bullshit on that, Princess. What if they were selling faulty transvaginal meshes, or raising money to resurrect Hitler?
VINYL: Then everyone would quit reading his blog, and I could go back to playing decent music rather than shitty covers and shopping muzak.
AJ: The opinions and views expressed by my three unicorn friends do not reflect those of the staff at Evil Squirrel’s Nest.
LUNA: Dammit, if it isn’t another coin show ripoff!
TS: Wait a minute! “Kenndy!?” Hey, maybe it’s a typo that really is worth a fortune!
AJ: Sold out from the mint… yet the shopping channel has beaucoup of them in some secret vault. At least they have a satin finish.
VINYL: Coins in white satin… never meaning to spend….
AJ: Is it really theoretically possible to save a child’s life for 92 cents a day?
VINYL: AJ, for the price of a cup of cider, you too can feed a starving child in Bumfuckistan.
TS: What happened to the fat chick who used to do these commercials?
LUNA: I banished her to the same unholy place as the purple dinosaur. That probably means she’s on another channel right now chowing down on the flies circling some poor waif’s head.
VINYL: Bum ba bum ba bumpa bum…
AJ: The beat goes on!
VINYL: Bum bum ba bumpa bum…
TS: The beat goes on!
VINYL: Bum bum ba bumpa bum bum bum…
LUNA: Drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain!
AJ & TS: La de da de de!
ALL: La de da de da!!!
AJ: I don’t get this commercial.
TS: That’s because it’s told from the perspective of humans who think that a talking horse is impossible.
VINYL: Oh Celestia! You mean humans can actually talk!?!? I thought they just shoved probes up their behind to get them to move their lips on TV…
LUNA: You know, I could sure go for a stud like that right now….
ALL: <3 Siiiiiiiiiiigh……..
AJ: Is that Alex Trebek pitching life insurance?
LUNA: Don’t forget to phrase your claim in the form of a question.
TS: And yet another geriatric celebrity in the mold of Art Linkletter…
VINYL: My life’s in Jeopardy, baby! Oooooooooooh!
AJ: Speaking of game shows…
VINYL: That’s Springer! Good to see he’s still hanging around with trailer trash.
TS: This is that dating show called “Baggage.” She’s about to find out what her potential dates have wrong with them….
VINYL: It’s EVIL SQUIRREL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TS: It can’t be… he couldn’t get a date if every other man on earth dropped dead tomorrow.
AJ: Who else has that many unicorn figurines in his room?
LUNA: 250 unicorn figurines is kinda exaggerating a bit, don’t you think? I mean, there’s three unicorns here… Rainbow Donkey…. the Sponkies…. George…. the unicorn head….. um….
VINYL: Yep, it’s ES! Don’t pick him, girl! You can do better than that!
OK… I’d heard enough out of these four. Back onto the shelf they went along with their 247 other companions. The remote was seized, the television was turned off, and another Friday prompt was successfully executed. Thanks again Cutter for inspiring this mashup of ponies with Beavis & Butthead. I’ll be back next week to answer to yet another Friday prompt…. maybe yours!
I am quite upset that I got overlooked for this challenge!