And at long last, I now know where this meme comes from.
Well, this is it folks. Today marks the end of the line for my Prompt the Squirrel series of posts. Seventeen of my readers were kind enough to send me something to work off of… and for the past four months worth of Fridays, I’ve done my best to come up with something creative and hopefully entertaining in response to them. And Lord knows I’m nowhere near out of the woods yet with regards to PTSF, because thanks to my procrastinating ways (never put off till tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow), I saved the prompts I knew I’d have the most trouble with for the end. And I sure saved a doozy for the finale… I’m quaking in my turban as Ed McMahon hands me the last envelope…
May the possum of poopoo peck you on the pucker.
The final reader suggestion in my Friday series comes from Anxious Mom. One of the first things I learned about her, other than her Little Man’s infatuation with his penis, was that she was obsessed with the Tolkein universe… so I wasn’t the least bit surprised when I noticed she had submitted a prompt that went a little something like this…
I would like to see your squirrels Lord of the Rings-ized. Transform them into a fellowship of sorts and have them in a scene from LOTR
Oh dear…. what do I do now?
In the Spring of 1990, I was on the verge of earning a D in my 9th grade Freshman Lit (first fucking period) class. It would have been the only D or F I had ever gotten as a semester grade in any post-elementary school class I had ever taken. But a deus ex machina by the name of “The Hobbit” swooped in as our final assigned book of that God-awful fucking class, and for whatever reason, I took to that novel enough to ace all of the quizzes and tests that came with it, and got to add another C to my permanent record. Despite my obvious liking of the book, 25 years later I remember only three things about “The Hobbit”… Bilbo, Gollum, and the invisibility ring. It’s the one and only time me and J.R.R. Tolkein ever crossed paths in this life.
Yeah, put that in your pipe and smoke it, J.R.R.
I may have been able to dance around an earlier prompt about Scaredy Squirrel, but not many people even know books about fictional squirrels exist, so there’s little chance of getting called out on any factual errors and blatant misrepresentations. But despite me being the master of bullshit who earned a lot of those passing grades in school by being a wizard at churning out an expertly crafted research paper from of about an hour’s worth of
research reading stuff and several hours of just typing up random crap that looks good… there is no way in hell I can get away with the same lackadaisical approach for the subject of Lord of the Rings, a universe I know almost nothing about. There are way too many people out there with Elfin tattoos and cosplay Hobbit britches who would be lining up to call me out on anything that is not certified kosher canon.
Though that may not be such a bad thing after all…
Well, let’s see… if I’m going to create a fellowship for this prompt and come up with some half-assed LOTR scene for them to act out, I better start doing a little casting of my characters into the book/movie roles. Frodo’s the main character of the trilogy, and wouldn’t you know it, I actually have a ready-made Frodo ES in the archive…
There really is an ES avatar for any occasion.
Then there’s Frodo’s companion Sam… he looks like a good fit for ES’s star flunky Robbie.
Swords just aren’t as easy to deploy as Mecca box cutters.
From what I can gather, Merry and Pippin seem like the comic relief tag team of the bunch. Since I have way more female characters than male critters, it’s a given I’m going to have to do a little genderbending in this experiment. Let’s assign these roles to everyone’s favorite frenemies Hooly and Odyssey.
The hobbit life is not for everyone.
Gandalf the wizard…. do we have a magic user among the gang? Wiki isn’t quite right for the role, but unicorns know a thing or two about casting spells…
Fear the rainbow beard.
Aragorn… the man who would be king, or at least, so my cheat sheet I’m using for this post says. For the series’ big, strapping studmuffinly badass, we can turn to none other than The Nest’s denizen who checks all of those Fabioan boxes and then some, Clem.
There’s not enough wind in Middle Earth to make a handsome hero’s luscious locks blow fittingly enough.
Legolas the elf… let’s see… do I have a long haired blonde who knows how to use a bow and arrow? Why yes, I believe I do…
There’s not much cuter than a pointy eared skunkette.
Now we need a rugged looking dwarf to play Gimli. Ah yes… our prickly little porkypine Nabob.
First one to call me a midget gets a head-ectomy.
OK, I think that’s a big enough fellowship to do something simple like destroy a magical ring. Now we just need the right critter to play Gollum. Someone who isn’t all that good looking and who nobody will miss should he end up getting knocked into a volcano full of lava. Hmmmm…. let me think here for a minute…
Thank you for volunteering, Buster!
OK, places everyone! Let’s make up a scene where all of our characters are standing atop Mt. Doom, ready to destroy Sauron’s ring and bring peace to the land of Middle Earth. And….. ACTION!!!
EVIL FRODO: So, I just drop it in this volcano, and that’s it?
RAINBOW GANDALF: Yes! Hurry up and complete the mission! I have a class to teach at Hogwarts in half an hour.
MERRY HOOLY: I say we just pawn the ring and use the money to have a kickass par-tay!!! Whooooooo!!!!
ODYSSEY PIPPIN: I protest this whole scene! Mt. Doom is a protected national park, and it is against regulations to throw junk in the volcano! Not to mention the environmental impact…
FRODO: You’re all right, I can’t do this.
SAM ROBBIE: No, Frodo! But you must, or else the critics will pan this film and we’ll never find work again! Aragorn! Do something!
CLEM ARAGORN: I am going back in my trailer until I am allowed to wear my trademark sneakers on the set. Any of you chicks want to come back with me?
HOTTIE LEGOLAS: You touch my ass again, Aragorn, and I’ll crown you with an arrow through the temple!
NABOB GIMLI: OH, Jesus Mordor, is this about over? It’s past my bedtime…
FRODO: I think I’ll just slip this ring on and take over the blogosphere….
BUSTER GOLLUM: Sigh…. give me that damn cheap ass Cracker Jack prize, stupid squirrel hobbit. (Buster yanks the ring out of his hand then leaps into the volcano. The ring is destroyed and Buster is burnt to a crisp. The eye of Sauron Applewhite goes dark)
FRODO: (Cough, gag!) The stench of burnt possum is killing me! Let’s go back home and work on a prequel trilogy….
The star of the next LOTR movie!
Wow… I made it! I got through the final prompt with something that was actually….. well, at least it should get attendance points and a gold star on the progress chart. Thank you Anxious Mom for making me learn a few things that may come in handy in a trivia contest some day. And to everyone who participated in my Prompt the Squirrel project for the seventeen weeks it lasted, THANK YOU for giving me material to keep Fridays happening around The Nest. I expanded my artistic boundaries, challenged my abilities to write about anything, and most of all… had fun with this! I may revive this series at some point next year…
Because I’m such a masochist.
I have no idea what I’ll do with Fridays beginning next week… but I’m sure whatever I come up with will continue in The Nest’s tradition of fun, quirky and irreverent. And if it ends up sucking marsupial mange… well, at least you can always take comfort in the fact that you’re one day away from cute squirrel pictures…
it’s impossible to top a cute squirrel anyway.