Disaster Island

a box full of junk

A new year, a new start for our Wednesday feature Random Image Inspiration!  This is the fun little creative self-exercise I perform each week that randomly chooses bits and pieces from a lucky reader’s post to come up with an image on Google that I need to draw inspiration for a post from!  Let’s see how the Randomator is acting now that it’s in its Terrible Twos…

24, 45, 61, 37

The 24th post in my Reader was this one by Lynette.  Actually, this may be the first time an RII chosen post has been a reblog!

The 45th word in that post (Using only the original content, and cycling back to the beginning) is “travel”

The 61st word in that post is “from”

Putting “travel from” into Google Images brought this up as the 37th result…

The natives on Wejthong Island watched the sky as the last jet airliner, containing the few remaining government officials, soldiers and scientists, ascended into the shadowy sky bound for the mainland several thousand miles away.  It was not even three weeks ago that a sudden change in Mt. Lavabarf, the island’s long dormant volcano, had prompted a mandatory evacuation of Wejthong to be issued for fear of a very imminent catastrophic eruption.  A fleet of airplanes was summoned to whisk everyone on the island the safety of the continent… yet despite all of the pleading and reasoning the island’s appointed governor tried with the one hundred or so tribal natives of the island, they refused to leave with the others.  Wiki, the god who the islanders had worshiped for millennia, would protect them from Mt. Lavabarf’s wrath.

Not even an hour before that final flight off the island departed the runway, the prediction came to fruition.  Mt. Lavabarf began to spew magma straight from the earth’s core into a sky already blackened by the ash from the initial explosion.  Thoughts of forcing the stubborn natives onto the plane were hastily abandoned by the last few remaining white men as they sprang into action to save themselves and leave the ignorant islanders to their fate.

The native Wejthongers continued to watch the plane soar into the ashen ceiling, seemingly oblivious to the fire and fury of the now extremely active Mt. Lavabarf in the background.  As soon as the plane’s tail vanished from the sky, the crowd of native islanders drew a collective sigh and all turned towards the apocalyptic scene playing out in front of them.

The fountain of lava slowed to a trickle and then stopped completely.

The fierce rumbling of the earth died into silence.

The thick ash that had blotted out the sun that morning quickly dispersed, revealing the deep blue skies the island was well known for.

“ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY WIKI!!!!” the nominal tribal leader shouted as he raised his spear into the air, immediately joined by similar cries of praise towards their deity from behind him.

“We finally got rid of those imperial bastards!” one of the tribesmen exclaimed.

“I told you all to have faith in Wiki,” the chief triumphantly announced.  “It took a sacrifice of many island possums over the past few months, but Wiki has answered our prayers and made the foreigners flee our island!”

“What did their shamans say, the island likely wouldn’t be inhabitable for about 800 years?” one of the young Wejthongers said.  “We won’t be seeing those pricks for a while!”

“And those awful tourists!” another proclaimed.  “I swear, if one more of those creeps tried to slide up against me and take a “selfie” with their strange flat device, I would have been tempted to shrink their head for a necklace!”

“Those days are over now!” the leader boasted.  “Wejthong belongs to the Wejthongers again, and all of the silly white customs of “civilization” they forced upon us are OVER!”

“WOOHOO!” a Wejthong female shouted as she ripped off her top that was made in China.  “I can run around naked again like great gramma used to do!”

“Best part of the plan!” the chief said with a big smile on his face…

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New Years Treet!

Eight years out of the can, and it still isn’t expired!

The only thing I enjoy making fun of more than the silly search terms that people use to get to my blog is the amazingly awful spam comments questionable people from across the world leave on my posts.  Of course, thanks to Akismet, none of these grammatical horrors ever actually appear on my blog…. but they’re temporarily saved in a spam folder on the Stats page.  Of course, since “spam” was coined for email garbage, I like to call these bloggy cling-ons Treet in honor of Spam’s lesser known cousin in the canned meat aisle.  I’ve featured and mocked some of my greatest Treet five times before on my blog.  Having some extra free time this week, I checked out my Treet file and was blown away at some of the “most excellent contents” it contained!  So that means only one thing…. it’s sharing time!

Sharing is NOT caring when it comes to Treet!

So let’s do some of my Treeters a favor and get their comments the publicity they desire, so that we may enjoy some frivolity at their stupidity…

Maximuspqf wrote:

Good day
I found your forum very attractive and promising. I want to buy an ad space for a banner in the header, for $1300 per month. I will pay via WebMoney/Qiwi, 50% immediately, and 50% in 2 weeks. And also, the address of my site [redacted link] – it will not contradict the theme?

Thanks! Write about Your decision to me in PM or by email

Wow, $1300 per month?  I’ve always been staunchly against selling advertising space on The Nest… but you have my interest there, Maximus.  I don’t know what WebMoney or Qiwi is though?  Even those princes in Nigeria that regularly correspond with me have never asked me to send money to them via that method.  How about you just send the payments in good old American cash and we’ll have ourselves a deal.  And don’t worry about your wholesome website contradicting my disturbing theme, I’ll just take some artistic license with it…

I’ll just add a pink mane, unicorn horn, and totally have her ta-tas hanging out…

Hairstyles wrote:

Thanks for your content. One other thing is that if you are disposing your property on your own, one of the issues you need to be aware about upfront is how to deal with home inspection accounts. As a FSBO home owner, the key to successfully moving your property as well as saving money with real estate agent commission rates is expertise. The more you recognize, the easier your home sales effort will likely be. One area exactly where this is particularly vital is information about home inspections.

Now you tell me to be wary of information on home inspections!  Where were you 12 years ago when the home inspectors my real estate agent hired couldn’t tell there was aluminum wiring in all the kitchen outlets, or that the drainage pipe below my kitchen floor was a piece of shit?

Lesson learned. I will start reading my Treet from now on…

Lavonna Eason wrote:

But now the problem is resolved, now using GTA 5 Source Cheats Online you can generate or auto the Money as some as you necessity for your Noble Thieving Motorcar 5 ground and we’re not leaving to asseveration you any safety cent.

What a minute….. did you just call Grand Theft Auto “Noble Thieving Motorcar”!?!?

Peter Mark Roget is proud of you for consulting his thesaurus…

Dudley Fausey wrote:

I think this site has got some rattling excellent information for everyone : D.

Thanks Dudley.  I consider it the ultimate compliment to have my blog considered not just excellent, but rattling excellent!

Buster’s known this for years…

Ferrellkristy wrote:

Good day everyone, my name is kristy and I’m here to testify about the good things God has done for me through Dr Terry.I was diagnosed of herpes for about ten years and I have been to so many hospital but nothing could be done .I spent thousand of dollars going to hospital all to no avail.Last moth I went to Germany for an official trip.while in the train,I heard a man talking on phone about how he got cured with herbal medication by Dr Terry and I laughed knowing how much I have spent on medical appointment so I thought it was incurable but something told me to try the herbs and I had to take Dr Terry number from him.I contacted Dr Terry, he sent me the herbs and to God be the glory ,herpes of ten years plus is completely gone .Please for your own safety you can reach him on his whatsapp number and I assure you, you will be free within two weeks. His herbs are superb .I have tested it and I’m a living witness .His whatsapp is [Redacted number, let’s say +8675309]

What an amazing account, Kristy!  And to think, you also wrote this same Treet on my blog a day earlier saying Dr. Terry’s herbs had cured your HIV after ten years.  It’s hard to fathom such a God fearing church girl as yourself would contract so many different sexual diseases.  But if it means eventually getting some of Dr. Terry’s miracle “herbs,” then I guess all the cooties are worth it…

Dr. Terry, exposed…

ValerieFaile wrote:

Wanna casual sex? My pussy is at your disposal! Find my profile with phone number here – [Redacted link to a “good girl” site] My nickname is Veronika2020

Your pussy is at my disposal?  Gee, that’s swell, Val!  Can I borrow your pussy to keep Ody company while I’m at work?

But Mitzi promised me her pussy was at my disposal first!

Coargo wrote:

In the U.S., there are currently more than 25 million people who enjoy asthma. Do you currently suffer from or are worried you suffer from a respiratory disease? In this article, devise some of the most common diseases of the respiratory methodology [Redacted link for Cialis]. Impute to on to identify these diseases, together with their implicit causes.

Unfortunately, I am not one of those 25 million people who enjoy asthma, though if not being able to breathe is so much fun, could you offer some advise on how to get it?  Maybe the Cialis you are trying to sell in the middle of this nonsensical medical advice could help me experience the joy of sucking on an inhaler?  I just need to find someone who will take my breath away…

Perfect! Enjoying asthma, here I come!

Victor Vaillencourt wrote:

Ne’er knew this, thank you for letting me know.

“Ne’er?”  What is this, spam from the 19th century?

You want me to write a spam poem? T’will cost you extra, m’lady!

Eldora Truncellito wrote:

Music began playing anytime I opened up this blog, so frustrating!

Got a fucking problem with that, bitch?

And finally….

communivision.net wrote:

Very quickly this web page will be famous among all blogging people, due to it’s
good content

Woohoo!  You’re right, I’m on my way to becoming a blogging star!  I’ll be able to charge Maximus even more Qiwi for his ads, Valerie will introduce me to her friend’s pussy, and I can buy my own asthma to enjoy!  Oh wait, I hope writing about all of these stupid Treets didn’t drag down the good content so much that I’ll lose access to Dr. Terry’s herbs…

This blog just went from rattling excellent to rattling appalling…

Well, there you have it.  Better put the Treet back in the icebox with all of the moldy cans of icing before I sabotage The Nest’s success anymore than I already have.  Now if you’ll (wheeze) excuse me, I’m going to (wheeze) have a blast with a container of (gasp, wheeze) Primatene Mist…

This is more fun than (wheeze) finding One Eyed Willy’s treasure!

Posted in Squirrel Droppings | Tagged , , , , , , , | 14 Comments

Participation Trophy

Display it proudly! Loser…

New year, same old muzak!  That’s the way it goes here at The Nest… no matter what numbers you incorrectly put at the end of the date on a check, you can always count on Mondays to deliver another classic earworm that got buried under the huge box of party favors we like to call the Dusty Vinyl Archive!  Today is the DVA’s fifth anniversary!  Yes, five years ago today, DJ Scratchy canned the Mecca muzak and dropped the needle on her first lost hit!  And the Sponkies are five years wiser when it comes to the music history they missed out on by being born too late.  Here’s a slice of unicorn cake to go along with your weekly tune…

When I set out to make Mondays all about the many, many unfairly lost songs from my youth that needed a bit of exposure, I made sure to write a long list of the songs I planned to feature at some point in my blog notebook.  That list has been checked and crossed to death, and re-written twice as I’ve run out of space for new song ideas.  You’d think that the second song I ever put on that list would have been done at some point in the 196 DVA posts I’ve composed in the past five years.  And of course, you’d be wrong…

Dafuq kind of music is this anyway?

In honor of the DVA turning 5, it’s time to right a wrong and finally feature a song I’ve literally skipped over 196 times now.  Probably the only reason I have a fancy for it is because it was released in late 1986, meaning it was a big radio hit around this time back in 1987… when the combination of having received a tape recorder for Christmas AND having a stereo in our sixth grade classroom that let us listen to Hit Radio KHTR during winter inside recess wound up leaving an indelible mark upon my brain of most early 1987 music.  And it’s likely the only reason I even remember that R&B supergroup Kool and the Gang had a song called “Victory” near the end of their pop music lifespan…

Kool & the Gang had so many hit songs in the late 70’s and early 80’s, that despite being a #10 hit, 1986’s “Victory” is about as forgotten an 80’s tune as you will find… which is likely the reason I kept skipping over it for so long.  Heck, I’m not sure I ever bothered to look this song up on YouTube before… because when I listened to it for this post, it had that “Yeah, you haven’t heard this in over 30 years” feel to it because the music sounded a bit unlike I’ve always recalled.  I’m not sure how this song wound up being the second one I ever wrote down on my DVA list… that may be as much of a mystery as who stole all of the heads off of Kool & the Gang’s instruments in this video…

The 80’s had so many kool… er, cool instruments!

You will always be a winner with the Dusty Vinyl Archive!  Join me next Monday for a song that didn’t have to wait as long to get its lost hit love…

Posted in Dusty Vinyl Archive | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Is It Over?

Maybe just a peek…

Yes, it’s over.

Happy New Year from this week’s Saturday Squirrel!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Posted in Saturday Squirrel | Tagged , , , , , , | 25 Comments

The 2020 Sandy Awards!

Welcome one and all to everyone’s favorite awards show on all of WordPress!  It’s time for Evil Squirrel’s Nest’s ninth annual presentation of The Sandy Awards!  The Sandys are a New Years Day tradition at The Nest, honoring the best, funniest, and most fucked up search terms that real internet users typed into search engines which somehow led them to our humble blog during the past year.  For the lowdown on the show’s history and to view past years’ shows that have somehow not been burned yet by the internet’s arbiters of taste, be sure to check out our page dedicated to the only awards show to honor real internet users around the world who will never receive a real gold squirrel statue for their achievements.

We have another truncated (by past Sandy Awards standards), but still most excellent show for you this year!  Along with the presentation of the 2020 Sandys, we have a top notch cast of entertainers scheduled who will no doubt try to steal the show for themselves.  Melanie’s Squirrellena will appear with Mitzi in a raunchy remake of The Vajayjay Monolgues, Suzanne will present a film strip of the cutest little black squirrel you ever saw, and Pam’s Miss Dingleberry will conduct a cooking demonstration that will no doubt have the set raided by the EPA.  It’s gonna be the most fun you can have at a boring awards show!

YAY!  You’re just a few short explanatory paragraphs away from the search term goodness you’ve been waiting all year for!  Over the past 366 days in 2020, I’ve recorded the most interesting search terms that were captured by WordPress and put on my blog’s stats page.  Unfortunately, the search term frequency quieted down yet again this year… but I was surprised I was still able to put together an awards show with six of my nine classic categories.  I will present the finalists for each category, along with my usual witty and snarky commentary, before announcing the winner of the Sandy for that particular category.  At the end of the show, I’ll reveal the search term I saved for last, which will win the Best Search Sandy of 2020!

Got how this works?  Are you even still awake out there?  Good!  All of the bolded terms you see below were really, truly, madly and deeply entered into a search engine by someone on God’s green earth, with that search leading them to The Nest.  I swear on Donald Trump’s mangy hair that I’m not making any of these up!  Now let’s get this party started with the traditional lead off category, which will prove once and for all that there is such a thing as a dumb question…

Ask, and you shall receive nothing but Sandy Awards recognition…

who are the flying squirrelendas? – The most amazing daredevil circus act in the world!  And they’re performing for free in a tree near you…

are squirrels associated to gemini? – Well, they can be both cute and innocent, while evil and naughty at the same tim….. no wait!  Squirrels are never evil and naughty!

See. Cute and innocent!

No wait…. AAAAAAAA!!!!!

who sang love will tear us apart again on ‘the nest’ – Nobody sings on The Nest.  That would require us to pay appearance fees that would come out of Fuzzywig’s “good stuff” stash.

what are those balls that squirrels eat? – Squirrels eat nuts, not balls!  Keep your balls and nuts straight, dude…

why are squirrels eating green pecans? – Because the purple pecans taste like shit?

Words to live by, mate.

And the award goes to…

were photo huts a real thing? – Get off of my virtual lawn, you fucking millennials…

One of the ancient pyramids of Egypt, apparently.

Yeah, phone booths never existed either! Old people are such liars…

Well, that was interesting, as always.  Now let’s move on to the category that involves the alleged main subject matter of this blog…

Squirrels are fascinating creatures, but sometime people are a bit too curious about them…

whataburger squirrels nest – What do you think’s in the burgers?

Duh’IIIIII heard that!

evil squirrels nest choking – Oh come on, my blog isn’t doing THAT bad…

Haven’t you ever heard of choking your kitten?

squirrel losing fur – Tufts of Love to the rescue!

Because no charity spokesman should have to do without.

image of squirrel throwing a nut – No cameraman has ever survived to actually capture this moment…

And the award goes to…

jacob’s ladder for squirrelsWow.  This one could have gone in just about every Sandys category.  That’s one brave squirrel to pierce his junk like that…

Or I guess it could have been an innocent search. Yeah, right…

No squirrel girl wants metal going in her coochie, loser.

And now, for the category of the can’t unseeable…

You’ll need to find some eye sanitizer after viewing this category…

digger foot fungus

Whaddaya mean, bad mental image? I’m as cute as a cold sore!

drinking raw eggs – And they tell us that eating raw cookie dough is unsafe…

No wonder Rocky lost, he had salmonella…

ladies defecating – That’s just sooooooo sexy.

eating poop – OK, I’ll drink the glass of raw eggs already!

And the award goes to…

fart skunk girl animation – The lengths I’ll go to to please an anonymous searcher…

Rainy in action!

These awards already stunk.

The kids may be alright, but these searches most definitely are not…

Most Sandy Awards donors have issues, but these people need more help than others…

snuggle bear is evil – Well, duh!

Oh my god, he killed Buster! You bastard!

everybody must get stoned comics – If we’re talking about comics where the readers need to get stoned to understand them….. then yeah, you came to the right place.

Ahhhh, this all makes sense now.

ussr 1981 na zare music translation – I put the lyrics into Google translator, and it said “This song sucks.”

In fact, it sucks so much that YouTube burned the video of Alyans “performing” it.

space balls darth helmet blows up planet – Dude, did you even watch that movie?  DARK Helmet didn’t blow up any planet…

He did crush a few spheres, though…

image of spitting up coke – You’re doing it wrong.  Coke’s supposed to be snorted up your nose…

And the award goes to…

kool aid man on steroids – Not only would no wall in the world be safe, but a roided up Kool Aid Man would be a bad role model for children…

This is your brain on steroids. Any questions?

Kool Aid Man on steroids still wouldn’t beat the Hawaiian Punch guy in a fight.

As usual, the show is running a bit long… so we’ll have to nix the planned montage of 2020’s greatest moments and move right along to the next category, which is Rated X for Xtra Fucked Up…

Let’s see what our favorite internet users were searching for out there with their one free hand…

mothers nice and udders niples photos – Why don’t you just type in “cow porn,” you freak?

Oh, just in time for the money shot!

robot chicken bear fuck

Don’t mind if I do!

tree with big green nuts – What do you mean I put this in the wrong category?

Hey, I had big green nuts until I caught Dutch Elm disease from that peach tree floozy!

super glue gagged xxx comic – I don’t think that stuff’s supposed to be used in BDSM…

tex cartoon wolf whistle

What’s a kid friendly cartoon without a little sexual harassment?

And the award goes to…

miss piggys tits – My Miss Piggy fan strikes again for another Sandy Award!  So Miss P, care to indulge our winner by flashing the pork chops?

I guess that’s a “no” then…

#OinkToo

OK, now that we all need a cold shower… let’s bring in the final category of the evening!  And as always, everyone’s favorite…

These are the searches that make about as much sense as an inflatable raft for porcupines.  If you have any idea what these people were actually searching for, please just keep it to yourself…

taco blackface – Wonderful.  Let’s offend two different races in one search!

legs foot – I really hope this wasn’t entered by a doctor who flunked out of anatomy class…

i can’t feel my roots

Too…. much…. tingling!!!

show about son of sam ‘bark bark bark bark bark’

wtf

baby burn – Not if you carefully monitor the cooking temperature…

Are you going to stick that timer in my belly button?

bobby darin bubble bath – I’ll bet he’s really shriveled up after being in the tub for 47 years without as much as a splish or splash…

Yeah, he might be dead…

evil moth comics – Terrorizing a closet near you…

And the award goes to…

trash power – That sounds like the world’s lamest superpower.  Probably what Aquaman uses to clean up the medical waste that gets thrown in the ocean…

That’s not spandex. It’s Hefty.

Sounds like the superhero of the trailer park.

And now it’s time for the big finish!  We’re about to award the Sandy for the best search string of 2020!

The list of search terms that rolled into The Nest may have been much shorter than in past years… but we were still able to identify one that stood head and shoulders above the rest!  This is the search term everyone will be tweeting about for weeks!  What completely unidentified weirdo will have their Google pride and joy virtually bronzed in the Sandy Awards Hall of Fame for perpetuity?  Let’s find out!

And the winner is…..

drum roll

Drum roll please, Hottie…

why do squirrels have fists of fury? – Look, it’s not easy being a squirrel.  Take it from someone who plays one on the internet.  We get chased off by the bird people, shot at by the rednecks, gobbled up by the hawks, and we can’t even cross the damned street without a stupid horseless carriage trying to flatten us as we scurry back and forth.  If you had to live this life of relentless persecution where every day was a struggle to survive a world that wanted you DEAD…… well, I think you’d probably learn to fight back yourself.  Why do squirrels have fists of fury?  Because we’re long overdue to kick some fucking ass, that’s why!!!

I may not have opposable thumbs, but I can still deliver this knuckle sandwich to your face, scumbag!!!

My hero….. swoon!

And just like Bruce Lee with a bad voice dub, this show’s about to leave the building.  We hope you enjoyed this year’s presentation of the 2020 Sandy Awards!  While it’s unsure if there’ll even be enough material for a show next year, we can always hope the Google encryption machine loosens up and brings more of those awesomely fucked up search terms into The Nest’s inbox in 2021!

Posted in The Sandy Awards | Tagged , , , , , | 29 Comments