Only one of my balls is actually blue.
I’ve logged some time in the toy department again this year… so the good news for you is that you can expect another fascinating roasting of some of this year’s most fucked up toys coming to The Nest sometime closer to Christmas. The bad news is my incurable hoarder ass has to be tempted by too much weird shit that I think would make a great addition to my already overflowing shelf. “Blind bags” where you have no idea how you are going to get ripped off until you’ve already blown the money are all the rage these days, and so it was that I couldn’t resist dropping $4.97 each on something called “5 Surprise” by some company calling themselves ZURU.
Can you tell which ball was intended for which gender?
Each giant plastic ball contains five miniature surprise toys inside. There’s a blue ball full of boys toys and a pink ball full of girls toys to show how far we’ve come since the days of Susan B. Anthony burning her corset. Turning the balls around, you can see an awesome collage of all of sample toys that could very well be inside each plastic casing, but probably aren’t. Badass looking robots and monsters on the blue ball, and enormous eyed overly cute animals and princesses on the pink ball. Could the next star of Shelf Critter Theatre be inside one of these treasure orbs? Well, there’s only one way to find out…
Oh look, I got a sea creature!
Using either your teeth or a dangerous pair of scissors (Kids, let your parents handle the sharp objects and cut their femoral artery open), remove the extremely tight plastic wrap and by trial and error figure out how to disassemble the damned ball. I finally got the result you see above… the ball splits into five orange slices that bear a resemblance to a flower you’d find on really bad 1970’s kitchen wallpaper. So, I just have to peel open each arm of the plastic starfish one at a time to reveal my prizes! Let’s see what kind of manly man stuff emerged from the blue ball…
AAAAAAA!!!! Squish it!!!!!
My first surprise toy is this handsome little spider who, based on his bright coloring, would probably be poisonous as shit if her were real. Perhaps a relative to the Sydney funnel spider who will liquify and suck out your brains? I think I’ll let the cats play with him…
I’d be pissed off too if I were suffocating on our atmosphere.
Next up is this cute little manta ray…. or possibly one of those robot vacuum cleaners that scoots across your floor and bumps into everything. I’d say the next toy out of the ball could be Aquaman, but I suspect he’d be in the pink ball…
Yo! Time to cut a bitch!
Well lookie there, I got a ninja doll…. er, action figure! Just the hero I need to save me from my new deadly pets lurking behind him. And I just realized I now have three more fun ways for Buster to get killed off…
Nobody would ever expect a ninja on a skateboard to come for them…
A skateboard! Woohoo, I never owned a skateboard before. Hell, I could barely roller skate… and still needed a pole to grab onto to actually come to a stop. Since this skateboard is twice the size of our ninja, he’s either a stealth munchkin or that board was built for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Titans…
Like, rawr and shit.
And finally for the masculine side of our surprise stash, I get this spiky little stegosaurus. I’m not sure why his legs are so bunched up together though, unless maybe he’s constipated… which shouldn’t be the case for a herbivore. Which makes you wonder… can you imagine the size of the landmines that were left all over the place back in the dinosaur days? You thought stepping in dogshit made for a crappy day…
OK, the boy toys have been uncovered. Let’s give the pink ball a…
Sliced balls.
Oh dear. The pink ball utterly fell apart while I was trying to open it, much to the amusement of the male critters looking on. Oh well, we can’t let manufacturing defects deter us from our enjoyment. Let’s peel back the curtain on our first girly toy…
Crabs? No, I don’t have crabs!
It’s a mermaid! Aw! A mermaid who apparently can’t sit up on her fish tail, and is condemned to just flounder in the sun until she turns into a nice sushi. And this mermaid is special for reasons other than just her lack of mobility and cross eyes…
Go ahead and warm me up, toots!
Supposedly the mermaid changes colors when she’s hot to trot. Well, no amount of feeling up this fishgirl was enough to make her change anything… meaning either my hands are too cold, or this gimmick is full of shit. Ignoring the last piece of advice, I decided to light her on fire and that finally made her change color to a sooty black…
Great, now I have something that can literally kick ass.
Our second pink gift is this amputated foot from a stripper, which apparently makes a better keychain charm than a rabbit’s shoe. I don’t quite get the purpose behind this toy, much like high heels themselves. but I guess I now have a base for that A Christmas Story lamp I was wanting to make…
Shit, it must suck to be a girl.
My next surprise was a tube of silver glitter… I think. I guess I can use it to decorate the shoe or make the mermaid look like she caught mercury poisoning in the Cuyahoga River. But other than that, this is just a mess waiting to happen. Even the manta ray vacuum won’t get all those silver flakes out of the carpet…
Don’t laugh at her, she’ll poke your eye out.
This is either a misshapen, discolored head of a lady who has a really bad acne breakout… or it could be a smiling cactus head. Actually, I know it’s supposed to be a cactus head because she came with the same bullshit paper the mermaid did about changing color when heated to 87 degrees. No, she didn’t change color either when I held it… but my hands turned a lovely shade of red from all the fucking needles this prickly bitch left in me.
Call it in the air, mouths or tails.
Last but certainly least was this coin shaped disc with a set of lips on it, which by this point in the ripoff game that was the 5 Surprise pink ball of shame, was probably a sign from the company that I could kiss their ass. So there you have it. No ponies or kitties or monsters (other than cactus head), just more garbage to add to the shelf that may or may not turn up in one of my Friday stories. Now if you’ll excuse me, the mermaid wants heated up again…
It was a pleasure to burn…
