The Future Was Then

Hope you have your sunglasses ready…

Is a gloomy Monday leaving the forecast for the rest of your week looking ominous?  Well, The Nest is about to bring you some future tidings in the form of past earworms!  This is the day we fire up the Magic 8 Ball and search the stars for another forgotten musical prophecy out of that time machine jukebox we like to call the Dusty Vinyl Archive!  DJ Scratchy shall be your gypsy, dressed like a tramp and thief… while the Sponkies look forward to the day they can drive in a flying car.  I predict there will be a wonderful song in this post’s future…

With 214 posts in the Dusty Vinyl Archive’s archive, as well as a Top 30 novelty song countdown to boot… you’ll probably be as surprised as I am that I have not yet featured the song I’ve chosen for this week’s earworm.  But it’s true!

Can you guess what it is just from all the hints I dropped in the intro?

Many underground bands exist for years with a small, but loyal group of fans who hope and pray that their favorite musicians will decide to live a life of poverty and never sell out.  That wasn’t true for the Wisconsin husband and wife duo of Pat and Barbara MacDonald, better known by the forehead slapping name of Timbuk3.  The very first cut from their very first EP album, Welcome To Timbuk3, became a surprise hit and an 80’s nostalgia staple.  And that’s the video you just watched for their 1986 song “The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades.”

I got a crazy deejay who wears dark glasses…

“Future” made it all the way up to #19 on the Hot 100 chart, and became the band’s only song (despite five more albums over the next decade) to even sniff the pop charts.  Although it was embraced by those coming of age as a graduation party song, the truth is that Pat MacDonald actually wrote the song with the same message many other 80’s hits tried to tell us…. this is the nuclear age, and the bomb’s gonna get us all!

At least we’ll have shades on to look at the pretty mushroom cloud.

The Wiki page on the song has some of the lyrics that were cut from the final single that would have made it painfully obvious that the bright future wasn’t all about getting 50 thou a year to buy a lot of beer.

For those who didn’t study nuclear science, you can still buy a lot of plain label beer…

Come back next Monday for another lost song you won’t need shades for….. well, unless it’s Corey Hart…

Not THIS Corey Hart… he needs to see the ball.

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Weekend Threesome – 6/13/21

Three more short bits from The Nest’s week that was!  That’s how we do the Weekend Threesome.  What, did you think this was a filthy blog?

The only thing worse than being forced to run tedious Windows updates is having your computer slow to a crawl while Bill Gates’ minions download them… usually in the middle of playing some game or something that makes the lag really frustrating.  And so I got a surprise visit from the Upgrade Fairy early Friday morning shortly after I logged on.  Rather than fight the inevitable, I went through the 15-20 minute process of updating just so I could have my speed back.  And unlike most Windows Updates which don’t seem to make any changes at all, this one added something I could actually see…

Thanks for the weather update, Bill! Because, you know, I can’t look out my window.

So now I get a constant reminder of how hot it is outside, along with one of those meaningless weather pictograms that could mean anything from partly sunny to mostly cloudy to completely full of shit.  The funny thing was that for most of the day Friday, it froze on the initial reading of 71 degrees with clear skies under a moon.  I only wish it felt that nice at 3 PM…

Ah, a great day to get a moontan!

Old habits die hard.  For someone like myself, whose life is usually dictated by routines, they’re nearly impossible to break…

To help out the air conditioner, which is probably in need of a recharge, I’ve been trying to leave the bathroom door open.  It has the only register vent not located around the perimeter of my interior, and when closed, usually hogs both the hot air in the winter and cold air in the summer.  Unfortunately, I keep finding the door shut because I keep automatically closing it each time I use the bathroom.  Why in the hell did I start closing that door in the first place?  I remember I used to keep it open when I first moved in….

You still do that! Ha ha ha! You always were a silly human!

It was Spilly, who’s now a ten year resident of the Rainbow Bridge, that caused me to start closing the bathroom door because, as lovable as that little furball was…. he was far and away the most destructive of my three cats I’ve had, and had his share of adventures in the john before I started shutting the door permanently.

One of which was immortalized in this avatar sized drawing from 2010.

Ody still has PTSD from the flea baths I used to give him in the tub way back in the day, and Biskit wasn’t much of a threat to do bad things in there… so I could have started leaving the door open again at any time in the past ten years, but didn’t.  And now I’ll have to battle all summer long with eliminating this obsolete habit…

The power went out for a few seconds in the middle of the night Friday morning.  And since it was one of my nights off, I was actually home and asleep.  And since I sleep with a box fan on in all seasons for the white noise, it woke me up when the fan stopped.

But the annoying thing was that it must have happened at 2:59 AM.  That meant at that time, my electric clock by the bed came back on blinking 12:00… and because of the fact that it was one minute AHEAD of the actual minute time, when I went to reset it later on that day, I had to press the damned minute button 59 times to reset it to the proper time!  Sure, I could have just left it a minute ahead, but I don’t play those alarm clock games so many other people seem to enjoy trying to trick themselves with.  I want my clocks to have the proper time on them, dammit!!!

The proper time…

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Ear Nibbles

What?  Do I have something stuck in my teeth?

No, not the good kind of ear nibbles.  Well…. good if you’re into that kind of thing….

Here’s yet another in a long litany of park squirrels I’ve captured who seems to have fallen victim to the serial ear nibbler!

Oy!  Squirrels are not chocolate Easter bunnies, folks!  Please, do not bite the ears off of your local squirrels!

This public service message is brought to you by Saturday Squirrels Against Ear Mutilation!

Have a great weekend everyone!

I couldn’t hear you… what was that you said?

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The Chamber Of Tortures

SAGE: Do you think our protest will get this lab closed down?

SLIDER: I hope so.  But it might help if you got naked like those PETA chicks do.

SAGE: You think that would get more attention for our cause?

SLIDER: Well, it would certainly get more attention from me!

TROLL: Hey!  Keep it down!  The boss sent me out here because all of your racket is disturbing the exploding kitten experiments!

SLIDER: A-HA!!!  So there is animal abuse going on in this building!

SAGE: This is nothing but an evil laboratory!!!

TROLL: No!  What would make you think this is an evil laboratory?

TROLL: Oh, fuck!  I forgot to change the sign this morning!  The boss will have my large intestine probed with a coat hanger if he finds out I screwed up again…

Troll hastily flips the sign…

TROLL: There!  See, no evil laboratory here!  Now if you’ll please be moving along, there’s no loitering allowed on labor… er, dispensary property!

SLIDER: We’re not leaving until we can rest assured each and every critter in this lab can live a normal life free from torture!

SHADOW: Is there any reason this riffraff is still occupying our entryway, Troll?  Other than your utter incompetence as a loyal minion, that is?

SLIDER: Are you in charge of this torture chamber?

SHADOW: I know not of what you speak, lowly rabblerouser.

SAGE: We know you’re hurting so many poor little furbabies in there, you big meanie!!!

SHADOW: Sigh, more people who don’t understand the business of science and progress.  Perhaps I can cure your ignorance by taking the two of you on a guided tour of the facility to put your minds at ease that nothing untoward occurs here.  Please….. step inside.

Upon entering the lobby, our noble activists encounter their first critter…

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! MORE TEST SUBJECTS! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

SAGE: Oh, look at the little puppy dog!  He’s so cute!!!! (Sage reaches down to pet the mongrel)

SHADOW: Ah-ah-ah!!!  Don’t touch that canine!  He has a very important function at this facility and needs to focus on his task.

SLIDER: And just what are you subjecting this poor pooch to against his will?

SHADOW: Against his will?  How rich.  He wouldn’t leave if I forced him.  This dog is used in our cross-species breeding program.  He mates with any critter that possesses a vagina…

SLIDER: You force this dog to have sex all day?

SAGE: How cruel!!!!

SAGE: This puppy isn’t just a penis for you to take advantage of for your sick genetic experiments!  He has a heart and a soul, and I’m sure he’d be much happier as a loving pet for a family who is in need of a furry companion!  This dog deserves to be treated with respect and kindness, and…… do any of you feel a draft?

SLURP!

SAGE: BAD DOGGY!!!!!!!!!  BAD!!!!!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! TASTES LIKE CHICKEN! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

SHADOW: Stop this at once!  You just damaged company property!  If he can’t perform his breeding duties after you kicked him in the groin, I’m going to hold you personally responsible for our fair and just compensation!  TROLL!!!

TROLL: Yes sir?

SHADOW: Take this dog down to the recovery room and massage his testicles until they are no longer that grotesque purple color.

TROLL: OK…. wait, what did you just ask me to do?

SHADOW: I didn’t ask you anything, I ordered it.  And I know how…. “affectionate” you are with some of the test subjects when you think I’m not watching.

TROLL: Oh……… um, right sir.  This stays a secret, right?

SHADOW: Everything here is a secret!

TROLL: OK, come on, mutt!  Time to put the old magic fingers to work!

SHADOW: Now to get back to this silly tour….. huh, where did those two misguided protesters go?

LUNA: Stand back, you skunk haired bitch!  Or this goes in YOUR eye next!

SAGE: No, it’s cruel to test makeup on critters, and I won’t let you torture this poor pony anymore!

SLIDER: Look at the damage that’s already been done!  I hope we’ve arrived in time to save this one from a life of looking like Tammy Faye Bakker.

LUNA: For the record, we’re only testing this makeup to see if it can make even the ugliest critters look beautiful!

SPARKLEPONY: And I only came down here because I saw my husband enter this building, and I KNOW he’s cheating on me with some floozy lab rat here!!!

SHADOW: And I’ve told you before, gaudy critter, that your husband was brought down here to….. um…. I mean, he willingly decided to donate his horn to science so we can dissect it to discover its magical properties.

SPARKLEPONY: Then where is he!?!? Where’s my Rainbow Donkey!?!? (Luna jabs another glob of mascara in Sparkle’s eye) OWWWW!!!!

SHADOW: It takes a long time to recover from a hornectomy.  Usually around…. um…. well, we sent him to a special home while he recovers.  One that makes rainbow slime for children.  Check the glue section of Mecca next week.

Sage hears muffled cries down the hall and sneaks away to investigate…

SAGE: Oh dear!!!  What have they done with you!?!?

BROTHER BEAR: Oh, hi!  They wanted me to test the strength of the fabric in these jeans… so I’m lying on a bed of nails.

SAGE: Couldn’t they just test the fabric without you wearing it?

BROTHER: Nah, something about how they’d rather perform experiments under real world conditions.  And other sciencey kind of stuff I didn’t understand while they strapped me down.

SAGE: Are you in pain?

BROTHER: Eh…. I’d only give it an 8 on the 10 point pain scale.  They do have the nails in the low position, so it’s mainly just piercing my epidermis.

SAGE: Hold on, buddy!  I’m going to break your restraints!

SAGE: There!  Your shackles have been removed!  You’re free to leave this horrible place and discover your true purpose in life!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

SAGE: Well?  What are you waiting for?

BROTHER: Oh, sorry.  I forgot to tell you that I can’t get up!

SAGE: Why not?

BROTHER: It’s a manufacturing defect.  Say, is there any way you could maybe pull me to the front door?  I think I’ve lost a little weight while lying here….

SAGE: You know what (throws the switch)…..

SAGE: Maybe this is your purpose in life.  How are those jeans holding out, big boy?

BROTHER: OW!  Oh dear!  OW! I do hope ripped jeans are still in fashion! OW! OW!!!  Is my buttcrack showing?

Meanwhile….

SLIDER: What are these children doing confined in this glass tube?

SHADOW: That would be none of your business!

SQUIRREL CHILD 1: Mister!

CHILD 2: Help us!

CHILD 3: We’re being tortured!

CHILD 4: And we’re missing Spongebob!

LITTLEST: Go tell Mommy since I can’t!

SHADOW: I told you incorrigible brats before, your mother is the one who sold you to my lab!

SLIDER:What?  Why would a parent sell their precious children to be experimented on!?!?

SHADOW: Why don’t you ask her yourself?

SQUIRREL MOM: OK kiddies, time for your hourly dose of high voltage current!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!

SAGE: No!  How could you do this to your own babies!?!?

SQUIRREL MOM: Says someone who obviously has no kids herself.  Maybe my husband can help you make some more.  He’s in the glass tube in the next room with his wiener attached to a light socket…

LITTLEST: My thingie’s tingling!!!!

SQUIRREL MOM: That’s what you get for peeing on the carpet when you were three!  Now, a little extra juice to make up for all those gray hairs and stretch marks you five gave me!

The lights in the room dim a bit…

SHADOW: (Dragging Sage and Slider by their collars) Alright, esteemed guests… the show is over!

In the hallway…

SAGE: What did you do to this poor critter?

SLIDER: Whatever it was must have had dire consequences on his psyche!  He seems to be completely non-responsive!

SHADOW: Foolish do-gooders.  That’s not even a critter!  I picked him up at a garage sale several years ago.  He’s nothing more than a decoration.  Tell them, Mr. Fox!

MR. FOX: …………………………………..

SHADOW: See?  Now, let’s move on to…

SLIDER: Hold up!  Who are these critters?

SHADOW: Them?  Oh….. they’re just…. um…. volunteers we pulled off the street to test out a new air freshener!

SAGE: Ooh!  I love scented things!  Let me follow them…..

The critters file into a room and the door slams shut behind them…

SAGE: Hey, wait!  I want a sniff too!  Especially if it’s skunkin spice!

SLIDER: “Danger!”  Just testing out air fresheners, huh?

SHADOW: Well….. that sign does help keep interlopers from butting into our experiments….

The door opens…

TROLL: Boss, mission accomplished!  Come look for yourself!

SLIDER: What happened in here!?!?

TROLL: It worked like a charm!  A 100% casualty rate!

CAPER: Ha!

SAGE: Did the air freshener stink that bad?

SLIDER: That was no air freshener!  These critters were GASSED!!!!

UNCLE SAM: How’s that new biological weapon you’re testing going, son?

SHADOW: Mr. President, I’m please to report that our testing has been a complete success!

SAM: Complete success, huh?  I’m not as dumb as you think I am!

SHADOW: Ahem!  Troll….. are you forgetting something?

TROLL: Huh?  Oh…… right!!!!

SAM: Now that’s better!  I don’t want this fancy gas leaving anything living behind!

SLIDER: Sir!  These critters were enticed to this room without knowing they’d be experimented on with biological weaponry!

SAM: You can’t make scrambled eggs without breaking a few eggs….. or something like that.  Besides, I might have to use this on our own critters someday anyway…. like, next election cycle… so it’s good to know it’ll liquidate them too!

SAM: Good work, citizen!  The government will now be conscripting you for military duty!  Prepare to be stationed in the Middle Eastern desert!

RAINY: But it never rains in the desert!!!

SAM: Then I imagine it won’t take you very long to gas all of this Shelf’s enemies to death!  Now to get your regulation crew cut….. forward, MARCH!!!  Shadow, stick around so we can discuss your new government contract…

SLIDER: While he’s preoccupied with the President, this is our opportunity to liberate the rest of the suffering critters here! You go check that side of the building while I check this side…

SAGE: Oh no, you look like you’re in really bad shape!  What did this horrible laboratory do to you?

FUZZYWIG: Huh?  Laboratory?  Look officer, I swear I thought this was a dispensary and not a meth lab!

SAGE: There, there… it’s going to be alright!

FUZZYWIG: No it isn’t!  I got lost in here and I haven’t had a toke in almost 24 hours!!!!  It’s 4:20, and I need a hit, man!!!

SAGE: Well, maybe when we get you out of here, you can get….

FUZZYWIG: No, the withdrawals are too bad!  I gotta have a fix pronto!

SAGE: But I don’t have any of that funny stuff!  So you’ll have to wait…

FUZZYWIG: Pluck out some of my fur then!

SAGE: Excuse me!?!?

FUZZYWIG: Yeah, it builds up in there you know!  I should be able to get by for a bit by smoking my own fur….

FUZZYWIG: Hey, where are you going?  Come on, man, I’m suffering here!  Don’t be complicit to critter cruelty, man!  You slacktivist!!!!

SLIDER: I could hear the cries of agony from all the way down the hall!  What are they doing to you?

RICKY: I’m still suffering for my “sins” from the last episode, and I’m (OW!) being sporked to death by this freak in the (OW!) red suit!

DEVIL: And you love it, don’t you!  You have a secret spork fetish just like Osama bin Laden!

SLIDER: You’re being punished for sins?  Say, you aren’t one of those religious weirdos, are you?

RICKY: That’s a rather demeaning way of (OW!) putting it.  I am a faithful follower of our lord and (OW!) savior Evil Squirrel.  Now please extricate me from this (OW!) personal hell!

SLIDER: Sorry, sir, but I’m a government employee and very much believe in the separation of church and state.  I’m afraid it would be unconstitutional for me to rescue someone from religious martyrdom…

RICKY: Sigh, very well.  There will be a (OW!) spork with your name on it someday…

DEVIL: How about this one that was personally autographed by Mussolini?  JAB! JAB! JAB!!!

SAGE: I’m having a little trouble finding critters that deserve to be rescued.

SLIDER: Yeah, me too.  That’s OK… we know exactly what’s going on in this lab now, and once the media gets ahold of this, they’ll shut this horrible place down in no time and free all of the slaves to science that are held here!

SHADOW: I wouldn’t be too sure about that…

SLIDER: We have photographic evidence of the brutal experiments you conduct here!  Show him, Sage!

SAGE: Huh?

SLIDER: I saw you kept getting your phone out!  Didn’t you take pictures of the horror?

SAGE: Oh…. no!  I was just getting selfies with all the cute, suffering critters!

SLIDER: Well, it doesn’t matter, because our word of mouth will be enough to do this place in!

SHADOW: Perhaps I should introduce you nosy beings to our most secret project first…

Shadow removes the cover from the object next to him…

SHADOW: This is the RoboFox 3000!  This exemplary piece of machinery is capable of firing lasers that will burn a hole clean through a concrete wall three feet thick!  I’m sure it will have no trouble doing away with a couple of measly intruders like you two infidels!

SAGE: You mean that cute little thing’s going to shine us with its glowing eyes?

SHADOW: Burn holes right through your torsos is a more apt description…

SLIDER: You won’t get away with this!

SHADOW: And why not?

ROBOFOX: Robofox lasers at FULL POWER!!!

SHADOW: The only thing that can save you now is the deus ex machina….

Yooooooooooooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

SHADOW: What the devil!?!?

SLIDER: Not devil, god!  Deus is Latin for god!

MITZI: Like, hiesies!!!  Mitzi’s here to, like, answer the ad this lavatory placed for someone to totally breed with a puppy wuppy!!!

SHADOW: Errr, you need to report downstairs to Room 69….

MITZI: Like, you totally have the cutest long ears!  You must be the puppy wuppy!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHADOW: No, wait!!!!!!!!

MITZI: Like, is that a test tube in your lab coat, or are you just happy to see ol’ Mitzi?

SHADOW: I’m feeling a strange sensation….. NO!!!  My Pokeballs are reaching critical mass!  HELP!!!!!!

MITZI: You’re, like, so totally sex-ay!!!!

MITZI: Mitzi’s gonna, like, take you home with me and tie you up in Mitzi’s dungeon to totally do some wicked BDSM experiments on you!!!!

SHADOW: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo!!!!  This is cruelty to critters!!!!!  Somebody, please release me from this sex fiend!!!!!!!!!!

SLIDER: Now that’s what I call getting a dose of your own medicine!

SAGE: So, like, what do we do with him?

SLIDER: Your tormentor is gone now, Robofox!  You’re free to scamper out in the world on your own now!

SAGE: Yeah, go on, cutie!  Live free and prosper!

Robofox runs out the door, eye lasers still fully powered….

SAGE: YAY!  This episode got a happy ending!

EVIL SQUIRREL: The hell it did!  Who edited my script!?!?

SLIDER: I beg your pardon, sir?

ES: Buster!!!  We had a whole episode full of death and mayhem, and no Buster!!!  Who the hell wrote Buster out of this story!?!?

TROLL: Errrrr, sir.  I may have forgotten to tell you while I was rubbing the dog’s balls…. but Buster called in sick this morning.

ES: What!?!?  Buster can’t call in sick!!!  I don’t even give you critters sick pay!!!  What the hell could be wrong with him that he didn’t want to show up for work and die!?!?!?

MAURY: (On TV) Snuggle………. you are the father!!!!

BUSTER: (Sniffle) I really feel bad about missing work today because of the (Sniffle) possum trots… but at least I can catch up on my favorite talk shows!  I do hope Phil Donahue’s still on the air…

Buster’s front door busts open…

ROBOFOX: MUST DISASSEMBLE POSSUM!!!!

BUSTER: (Burning alive) Wonderful!  This should clean out my sinuses!

Welcome to the work from home era, Buster!

Posted in Shelf Critter Theatre | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Share Your World – Week 127

The Late Mr. Biskit modeling with Item #5…

The SYW-intro countdown of items that weren’t a big deal in 1998 that are now uber popular like the bee’s knees continues on with the #5 entry… couch pillows!  Seriously, what the fuck?  Aren’t sofas supposed to be comfy enough without having to add bulgy, stuffed fabric squares all over it?  This is another item I’m not even sure we sold ten years ago, let alone 23… yet we have an entire walls of these things for sale in both the home decor and lawn & garden areas.  You can get them in plain colors, with designs, animal prints, with inspirational sayings, and for a while, the really hot item was a sparkly design that changed sparkly colors if you ruffled the fabric…

And on the subject of pillows in general… we sell so many bed pillows that I swear some people change them out every damn night!  Imagine a landfill full of barely used pillows…. it’s enough to make Al Gore shed a tear from the comfort of his luxury motor home…

Hope the garbage man doesn’t get a hernia chucking all these…

Alright, it’s now officially Share Your World time!  Questions, as always, by Melanie

The world is my pillow!

What’s the worst commercial you’ve seen (or heard)? Why was it so bad?

God, I haven’t watched TV in years.  Of course, I did back in the day… and those of you who have been around long enough may remember I had a semi-regular feature that poked fun at a lot of the famous and cheesy ads from the past.  In perusing that list, it’s hard to pick just one….. but for pure “what were they thinking?” dreck, I’ll pick the most recent entry in that series which I posted three years ago of a compilation album of 80’s music sold in the 90’s that was titled “Punk.”  Watch it, and try to keep in mind that this is supposed to be an album of PUNK music…

Do I even have to describe why it’s so bad?

Punk music’s totally hip to be square!

What takes a lot of time but is totally worth it?

Painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.  Yeah, it took me forever, but it was totally worth it…

Getting paid to draw dicks in church? You can’t beat that!

Have you ever smiled at a stranger and then wished you hadn’t? Why or why not?

Yeah, the guy who took my school photos every year.  I regretted the result every time…

Plus he kept making my Mom pay for the broken camera…

No, that’s not really me.  I’m not that handsome…

What do you think is the nastiest tasting food?

I don’t know if this is a recycled question or not, but this image is definitely recycled…

And they’ve been recycled and regifted every Halloween since 1984…

GRATITUDE SECTION:

More like a bonus…. the Squirrel Children dressed up as those nasty black and orange wrapped candies, taken from the Shelf Critter Theatre episode “Come As You Aren’t“…

Don’t they look adorable? No wonder their mother hates them…

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