Welcome one and all to everyone’s favorite awards show on all of WordPress! It’s time for Evil Squirrel’s Nest’s ninth annual presentation of The Sandy Awards! The Sandys are a New Years Day tradition at The Nest, honoring the best, funniest, and most fucked up search terms that real internet users typed into search engines which somehow led them to our humble blog during the past year. For the lowdown on the show’s history and to view past years’ shows that have somehow not been burned yet by the internet’s arbiters of taste, be sure to check out our page dedicated to the only awards show to honor real internet users around the world who will never receive a real gold squirrel statue for their achievements.
We have another truncated (by past Sandy Awards standards), but still most excellent show for you this year! Along with the presentation of the 2020 Sandys, we have a top notch cast of entertainers scheduled who will no doubt try to steal the show for themselves. Melanie’s Squirrellena will appear with Mitzi in a raunchy remake of The Vajayjay Monolgues, Suzanne will present a film strip of the cutest little black squirrel you ever saw, and Pam’s Miss Dingleberry will conduct a cooking demonstration that will no doubt have the set raided by the EPA. It’s gonna be the most fun you can have at a boring awards show!
YAY! You’re just a few short explanatory paragraphs away from the search term goodness you’ve been waiting all year for! Over the past 366 days in 2020, I’ve recorded the most interesting search terms that were captured by WordPress and put on my blog’s stats page. Unfortunately, the search term frequency quieted down yet again this year… but I was surprised I was still able to put together an awards show with six of my nine classic categories. I will present the finalists for each category, along with my usual witty and snarky commentary, before announcing the winner of the Sandy for that particular category. At the end of the show, I’ll reveal the search term I saved for last, which will win the Best Search Sandy of 2020!
Got how this works? Are you even still awake out there? Good! All of the bolded terms you see below were really, truly, madly and deeply entered into a search engine by someone on God’s green earth, with that search leading them to The Nest. I swear on Donald Trump’s mangy hair that I’m not making any of these up! Now let’s get this party started with the traditional lead off category, which will prove once and for all that there is such a thing as a dumb question…
Ask, and you shall receive nothing but Sandy Awards recognition…
who are the flying squirrelendas? – The most amazing daredevil circus act in the world! And they’re performing for free in a tree near you…
are squirrels associated to gemini? – Well, they can be both cute and innocent, while evil and naughty at the same tim….. no wait! Squirrels are never evil and naughty!
See. Cute and innocent!
No wait…. AAAAAAAA!!!!!
who sang love will tear us apart again on ‘the nest’ – Nobody sings on The Nest. That would require us to pay appearance fees that would come out of Fuzzywig’s “good stuff” stash.
what are those balls that squirrels eat? – Squirrels eat nuts, not balls! Keep your balls and nuts straight, dude…
why are squirrels eating green pecans? – Because the purple pecans taste like shit?
Words to live by, mate.
And the award goes to…
were photo huts a real thing? – Get off of my virtual lawn, you fucking millennials…
One of the ancient pyramids of Egypt, apparently.
Yeah, phone booths never existed either! Old people are such liars…
Well, that was interesting, as always. Now let’s move on to the category that involves the alleged main subject matter of this blog…
Squirrels are fascinating creatures, but sometime people are a bit too curious about them…
whataburger squirrels nest – What do you think’s in the burgers?
Duh’IIIIII heard that!
evil squirrels nest choking – Oh come on, my blog isn’t doing THAT bad…
Haven’t you ever heard of choking your kitten?
squirrel losing fur – Tufts of Love to the rescue!
Because no charity spokesman should have to do without.
image of squirrel throwing a nut – No cameraman has ever survived to actually capture this moment…
And the award goes to…
jacob’s ladder for squirrels – Wow. This one could have gone in just about every Sandys category. That’s one brave squirrel to pierce his junk like that…
Or I guess it could have been an innocent search. Yeah, right…
No squirrel girl wants metal going in her coochie, loser.
And now, for the category of the can’t unseeable…
You’ll need to find some eye sanitizer after viewing this category…
digger foot fungus –
Whaddaya mean, bad mental image? I’m as cute as a cold sore!
drinking raw eggs – And they tell us that eating raw cookie dough is unsafe…
No wonder Rocky lost, he had salmonella…
ladies defecating – That’s just sooooooo sexy.
eating poop – OK, I’ll drink the glass of raw eggs already!
And the award goes to…
fart skunk girl animation – The lengths I’ll go to to please an anonymous searcher…
Rainy in action!
These awards already stunk.
The kids may be alright, but these searches most definitely are not…
Most Sandy Awards donors have issues, but these people need more help than others…
snuggle bear is evil – Well, duh!
Oh my god, he killed Buster! You bastard!
everybody must get stoned comics – If we’re talking about comics where the readers need to get stoned to understand them….. then yeah, you came to the right place.
Ahhhh, this all makes sense now.
ussr 1981 na zare music translation – I put the lyrics into Google translator, and it said “This song sucks.”
space balls darth helmet blows up planet – Dude, did you even watch that movie? DARK Helmet didn’t blow up any planet…
He did crush a few spheres, though…
image of spitting up coke – You’re doing it wrong. Coke’s supposed to be snorted up your nose…
And the award goes to…
kool aid man on steroids – Not only would no wall in the world be safe, but a roided up Kool Aid Man would be a bad role model for children…
This is your brain on steroids. Any questions?
Kool Aid Man on steroids still wouldn’t beat the Hawaiian Punch guy in a fight.
As usual, the show is running a bit long… so we’ll have to nix the planned montage of 2020’s greatest moments and move right along to the next category, which is Rated X for Xtra Fucked Up…
Let’s see what our favorite internet users were searching for out there with their one free hand…
mothers nice and udders niples photos – Why don’t you just type in “cow porn,” you freak?
Oh, just in time for the money shot!
robot chicken bear fuck –
Don’t mind if I do!
tree with big green nuts – What do you mean I put this in the wrong category?
Hey, I had big green nuts until I caught Dutch Elm disease from that peach tree floozy!
super glue gagged xxx comic – I don’t think that stuff’s supposed to be used in BDSM…
tex cartoon wolf whistle –
What’s a kid friendly cartoon without a little sexual harassment?
And the award goes to…
miss piggys tits – My Miss Piggy fan strikes again for another Sandy Award! So Miss P, care to indulge our winner by flashing the pork chops?
I guess that’s a “no” then…
#OinkToo
OK, now that we all need a cold shower… let’s bring in the final category of the evening! And as always, everyone’s favorite…
These are the searches that make about as much sense as an inflatable raft for porcupines. If you have any idea what these people were actually searching for, please just keep it to yourself…
taco blackface – Wonderful. Let’s offend two different races in one search!
legs foot – I really hope this wasn’t entered by a doctor who flunked out of anatomy class…
i can’t feel my roots –
show about son of sam ‘bark bark bark bark bark’ –
baby burn – Not if you carefully monitor the cooking temperature…
Are you going to stick that timer in my belly button?
bobby darin bubble bath – I’ll bet he’s really shriveled up after being in the tub for 47 years without as much as a splish or splash…
Yeah, he might be dead…
evil moth comics – Terrorizing a closet near you…
And the award goes to…
trash power – That sounds like the world’s lamest superpower. Probably what Aquaman uses to clean up the medical waste that gets thrown in the ocean…
That’s not spandex. It’s Hefty.
Sounds like the superhero of the trailer park.
And now it’s time for the big finish! We’re about to award the Sandy for the best search string of 2020!
The list of search terms that rolled into The Nest may have been much shorter than in past years… but we were still able to identify one that stood head and shoulders above the rest! This is the search term everyone will be tweeting about for weeks! What completely unidentified weirdo will have their Google pride and joy virtually bronzed in the Sandy Awards Hall of Fame for perpetuity? Let’s find out!
And the winner is…..
Drum roll please, Hottie…
why do squirrels have fists of fury? – Look, it’s not easy being a squirrel. Take it from someone who plays one on the internet. We get chased off by the bird people, shot at by the rednecks, gobbled up by the hawks, and we can’t even cross the damned street without a stupid horseless carriage trying to flatten us as we scurry back and forth. If you had to live this life of relentless persecution where every day was a struggle to survive a world that wanted you DEAD…… well, I think you’d probably learn to fight back yourself. Why do squirrels have fists of fury? Because we’re long overdue to kick some fucking ass, that’s why!!!
I may not have opposable thumbs, but I can still deliver this knuckle sandwich to your face, scumbag!!!
My hero….. swoon!
And just like Bruce Lee with a bad voice dub, this show’s about to leave the building. We hope you enjoyed this year’s presentation of the 2020 Sandy Awards! While it’s unsure if there’ll even be enough material for a show next year, we can always hope the Google encryption machine loosens up and brings more of those awesomely fucked up search terms into The Nest’s inbox in 2021!
New Years Treet!
Eight years out of the can, and it still isn’t expired!
The only thing I enjoy making fun of more than the silly search terms that people use to get to my blog is the amazingly awful spam comments questionable people from across the world leave on my posts. Of course, thanks to Akismet, none of these grammatical horrors ever actually appear on my blog…. but they’re temporarily saved in a spam folder on the Stats page. Of course, since “spam” was coined for email garbage, I like to call these bloggy cling-ons Treet in honor of Spam’s lesser known cousin in the canned meat aisle. I’ve featured and mocked some of my greatest Treet five times before on my blog. Having some extra free time this week, I checked out my Treet file and was blown away at some of the “most excellent contents” it contained! So that means only one thing…. it’s sharing time!
Sharing is NOT caring when it comes to Treet!
So let’s do some of my Treeters a favor and get their comments the publicity they desire, so that we may enjoy some frivolity at their stupidity…
Maximuspqf wrote:
Good day
I found your forum very attractive and promising. I want to buy an ad space for a banner in the header, for $1300 per month. I will pay via WebMoney/Qiwi, 50% immediately, and 50% in 2 weeks. And also, the address of my site [redacted link] – it will not contradict the theme?
Thanks! Write about Your decision to me in PM or by email
Wow, $1300 per month? I’ve always been staunchly against selling advertising space on The Nest… but you have my interest there, Maximus. I don’t know what WebMoney or Qiwi is though? Even those princes in Nigeria that regularly correspond with me have never asked me to send money to them via that method. How about you just send the payments in good old American cash and we’ll have ourselves a deal. And don’t worry about your wholesome website contradicting my disturbing theme, I’ll just take some artistic license with it…
I’ll just add a pink mane, unicorn horn, and totally have her ta-tas hanging out…
Hairstyles wrote:
Thanks for your content. One other thing is that if you are disposing your property on your own, one of the issues you need to be aware about upfront is how to deal with home inspection accounts. As a FSBO home owner, the key to successfully moving your property as well as saving money with real estate agent commission rates is expertise. The more you recognize, the easier your home sales effort will likely be. One area exactly where this is particularly vital is information about home inspections.
Now you tell me to be wary of information on home inspections! Where were you 12 years ago when the home inspectors my real estate agent hired couldn’t tell there was aluminum wiring in all the kitchen outlets, or that the drainage pipe below my kitchen floor was a piece of shit?
Lesson learned. I will start reading my Treet from now on…
Lavonna Eason wrote:
But now the problem is resolved, now using GTA 5 Source Cheats Online you can generate or auto the Money as some as you necessity for your Noble Thieving Motorcar 5 ground and we’re not leaving to asseveration you any safety cent.
What a minute….. did you just call Grand Theft Auto “Noble Thieving Motorcar”!?!?
Peter Mark Roget is proud of you for consulting his thesaurus…
Dudley Fausey wrote:
I think this site has got some rattling excellent information for everyone : D.
Thanks Dudley. I consider it the ultimate compliment to have my blog considered not just excellent, but rattling excellent!
Buster’s known this for years…
Ferrellkristy wrote:
Good day everyone, my name is kristy and I’m here to testify about the good things God has done for me through Dr Terry.I was diagnosed of herpes for about ten years and I have been to so many hospital but nothing could be done .I spent thousand of dollars going to hospital all to no avail.Last moth I went to Germany for an official trip.while in the train,I heard a man talking on phone about how he got cured with herbal medication by Dr Terry and I laughed knowing how much I have spent on medical appointment so I thought it was incurable but something told me to try the herbs and I had to take Dr Terry number from him.I contacted Dr Terry, he sent me the herbs and to God be the glory ,herpes of ten years plus is completely gone .Please for your own safety you can reach him on his whatsapp number and I assure you, you will be free within two weeks. His herbs are superb .I have tested it and I’m a living witness .His whatsapp is [Redacted number, let’s say +8675309]
What an amazing account, Kristy! And to think, you also wrote this same Treet on my blog a day earlier saying Dr. Terry’s herbs had cured your HIV after ten years. It’s hard to fathom such a God fearing church girl as yourself would contract so many different sexual diseases. But if it means eventually getting some of Dr. Terry’s miracle “herbs,” then I guess all the cooties are worth it…
Dr. Terry, exposed…
ValerieFaile wrote:
Wanna casual sex? My pussy is at your disposal! Find my profile with phone number here – [Redacted link to a “good girl” site] My nickname is Veronika2020
Your pussy is at my disposal? Gee, that’s swell, Val! Can I borrow your pussy to keep Ody company while I’m at work?
But Mitzi promised me her pussy was at my disposal first!
Coargo wrote:
In the U.S., there are currently more than 25 million people who enjoy asthma. Do you currently suffer from or are worried you suffer from a respiratory disease? In this article, devise some of the most common diseases of the respiratory methodology [Redacted link for Cialis]. Impute to on to identify these diseases, together with their implicit causes.
Unfortunately, I am not one of those 25 million people who enjoy asthma, though if not being able to breathe is so much fun, could you offer some advise on how to get it? Maybe the Cialis you are trying to sell in the middle of this nonsensical medical advice could help me experience the joy of sucking on an inhaler? I just need to find someone who will take my breath away…
Perfect! Enjoying asthma, here I come!
Victor Vaillencourt wrote:
Ne’er knew this, thank you for letting me know.
“Ne’er?” What is this, spam from the 19th century?
You want me to write a spam poem? T’will cost you extra, m’lady!
Eldora Truncellito wrote:
Music began playing anytime I opened up this blog, so frustrating!
Got a fucking problem with that, bitch?
And finally….
communivision.net wrote:
Very quickly this web page will be famous among all blogging people, due to it’s
good content
Woohoo! You’re right, I’m on my way to becoming a blogging star! I’ll be able to charge Maximus even more Qiwi for his ads, Valerie will introduce me to her friend’s pussy, and I can buy my own asthma to enjoy! Oh wait, I hope writing about all of these stupid Treets didn’t drag down the good content so much that I’ll lose access to Dr. Terry’s herbs…
This blog just went from rattling excellent to rattling appalling…
Well, there you have it. Better put the Treet back in the icebox with all of the moldy cans of icing before I sabotage The Nest’s success anymore than I already have. Now if you’ll (wheeze) excuse me, I’m going to (wheeze) have a blast with a container of (gasp, wheeze) Primatene Mist…
This is more fun than (wheeze) finding One Eyed Willy’s treasure!