Shelf Critter Advent Calendar – Day 7

Like me, I’ll bet you can’t wait to wake up each morning to see what’s behind the next door in The Nest’s holiday surprise showcase, the Shelf Critter Advent Calendar!  Actually, that wouldn’t be like me since I work nights.  But regardless (or irregardless, if you enjoy using ticking off grammar nazis), it’s time to see if there’s heaven on the seventh door, or if it will instead be a day that will live in infamy….

Hey, it’s The Nest’s original fucked up mess, Sparklepony!

SPARKLEPONY: Excuse me!?!?

Nothing personal, of course.  Just commenting on your trashy look.  So, what does Christmas mean to a high class gal like you?

SPARKLEPONY: Christmas means getting showered in all kinds of expensive and lavish gifts from those who truly love me!  Cucci purses.  Designer high heels…

Ummmm, Debbie Gibson cologne?  A couch pillow?  A bar of soap!?!?  And is the gaudy bauble on that ring even real?  I don’t see anything expensive and lavish there…

SPARKLEPONY: Of course you don’t, because I live around a bunch of ungrateful and cheap bastards who do their Christmas shopping in the last minute gift aisle!  My own spawn bought me most of this garbage!

Do you even give the Sponkies an allowance?

SPARKLEPONY: That’s besides the point!  Haven’t they heard of credit cards?  And that hunk of glass came from my dear, beloved hubby… who will be sleeping with the possums behind the shed all winter to pay for this mistake!  And to think I bought them all fancy $5 White Castle gift cards…

Ummmm…. isn’t it supposed to be the thought that counts?

SPARKLEPONY: What are you talking about?  These are some of the most thoughtless gifts I’ve ever gotten!

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Shelf Critter Advent Calendar – Day 6

It’s time to get our perv on take a peek behind the private doors of the world’s most fucked up Christmas toy, the Shelf Critter Advent Calendar!  Like Clark Griswold, today we’re going to be looking for sechs…

Well, if it isn’t The Nest’s homepony, DJ Scratchy.  Maybe today’s entry will actually be hip and fresh rather than corny and stale…

SCRATCHY: As if your lame ass could handle my hip and fresh side, loser! (Tries to put hoof up to her forehead in an L sign, but gives up)

I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

SCRATCHY: Sigh, like I said….

Alright, we need to get on with the holiday business at hand.  So Scratchy, tell us what Christmas means to you…

SCRATCHY: Dafuq you think Christmas means to me!?!?!?

SCRATCHY: It’s MUZAK, baby!

Good lord, you actually like Christmas music?

SCRATCHY: Dude, I’m not talking about the musical diarrhea they play in that retail hellhole you work at!  I’m talking about the good shit!  The kinda jams that would make Burl Ives choke on his silver and gold!  Your Chrimmas Muzak education starts now….

SCRATCHY: And the only thing worse than Christmas without mistletoe is not getting to hear the most awesome Christmas song of all…

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Share Your World – Week 48

How I felt after getting stuck working outside in the cold rain last Friday night…

Here at The Nest, we like to share our world on days that begin with the letter T.  Sometimes it’s Tuesday, sometimes its Thursday, and occasionally it might be the Twelfth of Never.  Let’s see what Melanie’s questions for the first week of December have in store for us, and roll with the newest and improvedest SYW logo that looks like the cover of an 80’s new wave album…

Now I feel like queuing up Duran Duran’s “Planet Earth“…

What’s your remedy for the Holiday blues?

I don’t get involved with the holiday like most other people allow themselves to do, so this isn’t an issue for me.  And even though December is usually the most stressful time in Retail Hell, it can also be rather amusing and entertaining if you look for the humorous things in life.  And looking for the queer and absurd things in life can be the cure for any blues that ail you…

If there isn’t enough queer and absurd in your life… get yourself some Shelf critters.

Your favorite beverage (if it differs) during the holiday season?  If it doesn’t differ, just answer the ‘what’s your favorite beverage” part.

Unless it’s a hot/cold thing (Like how sno cones taste so much better on 100 degree summer days than they do on 0 degree winter days), beverages should not be limited to certain seasons.  If something is good, why should it be limited by a calendar?  My 24/7/365.25 is cola.  Perfect for any occasion, and nobody has ever been busted for driving under the influence of Pepsi…

I’d like you to belch into this Breathalyzer, sir…

This one has been asked before, but what’s your take on pumpkin spice?

I don’t even know what it is, nor do I care.  The only thing pumpkins are good for is for carving cool things into their shells…

Unless you are a squirrel, then anything is edible…

Is there is a person or god connected with your holiday? 

My holiday?  Funny how when the pushback against Christmas started about 30 years ago, it became the “cool thing” for everyone to have their own special and unique December celebration whose traditions were largely copied off the holiday they were designed to rival.  I don’t get the whole need for what I always call the “mandatory December reciprocal gifting” holiday anyway.  Like I said above, I don’t participate in any of it.

And all the better for me to mock the hell out of it…

Share a song that you enjoy during this Winter season

This will be difficult to do without stealing the thunder for tomorrow’s Advent calendar entry.  Not being holiday inclined combined with being inundated by this crap at work every year… I tend to despise Christmas music as a whole.  But there are a few enjoyable songs I like, and here’s one that really grew on me because it was a staple of Decembers past at Mecca in the early part of the millennium… and they NEVER play anymore.

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Shelf Critter Advent Calendar – Day 5

It’s the original playtoy for the OCD, and here at The Nest, we’ve made up our own Advent calendar with the help of those lovably messed up Shelf critters you know and fear.  We’re already a fifth of the way to the end goal…. fittingly, with the fifth day.  And hopefully the surprise behind today’s door won’t have you reaching for a fifth to drown out any hideous scenarios that may ensue.  Time to open sesame…

AAAAAA!!!!  What the hell!?!?!?  Oh, wait… that’s just Hung Lo.  I barely recognized him with the pleasantly plump portion of his figure obscured…

HUNG LO: (Patting his belly with both hands) It take many, many pooches to give Hung Lo this amazing bod!

OK, I don’t even want to know.  How are you going to tell us what Christmas means to you if you’re Buddhist, though?

HUNG LO: Hung Lo not Buddhist!  Free your mind from stereotypes, grasshopper!

Well, pardon me for assuming a Buddha would probably be, you know, a Buddhist.  Well, if you’re Christian, then tell us…

HUNG LO: Hung Lo Jewish!

Sorry pal, but I’m not buying that.  You don’t look the least bit Jewish to me.

HUNG LO: Perhaps this will help?

What the fu….. that just looks ridiculous!  What in the hell is that supposed to….

MITZI: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!  You look so kyoooooooooot wearing your Yamaha on your head!

HUNG LO: Mazel tov, baby!

Oy vey….

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The Nest’s Most Wanted

a box full of junk

It’s time to let chaos and entropy do it thing in the virtual world with another post we’ll write from a photo that gets pulled out of Google’s bunghole.  Yep, that can only happen in Random Image Inspiration… our little Wednesday exercise in creativity we engage in at The Nest.  This week the Randomator outdid itself in pulling probably the most….. well, random word pairing yet to use as Google bait…

34, 100, 61, 38

The 34th post in my Reader was this one by Melanie

The 100th word in that post is “uplifts”

The 61st word in that post is “suspect”

Putting “uplifts suspect” into Google Images brought this up as the 38th result…

NAME: RICHARD WAYNE BONER

NICKNAME: Big Dick

D.O.B. – June 9, 1999 (Or September 6, 1999 if seen outside of the States)

HEIGHT: Yay tall

WEIGHT: Fat

DISTINGUISHING MARKS: Small scar over left testicle, mole on right nipple, unicorn tattoo on shaved chest

WANTED FOR: First degree douchebaggery, misdemeanor prickishness, felony assault with deadly breath

HEINOUS CRIMES ACCUSED OF: Embarrassing family by posting X rated memes on Facebook account, pocketing all of the napkins from Burger King dispenser, failure to use turn signal in ’87 Yugo… ever, not picking up canine accomplice’s excrement off sidewalk, having the middle name “Wayne” like every serial killer ever, using the Baby Shark song as a ringtone

IF SPOTTED: DO NOT APPROACH!  Suspect is considered an asshat and is extremely lame.  Contact the proper authorities immediately… preferably the SWAT team, who could use some free target practice.

REWARD: There is a reward of 59 cents currently in a GoFundMe account for any information leading to a successful conviction

Please keep this notice posted on the post office lobby wall until suspect is apprehended, or the employee restroom runs out of toilet paper.

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