The Other Cat

Have you ever seen a happier looking cat in your life?

You don’t have to be a super dedicated follower of my crappy blog to know I have a cat named Ody.  That big lug pops up in pictures here all the time… not only because he’s hard to miss, but he’s almost always out in the open.  I do have another cat who is anything but conspicuous given that he spends about half of his time in hiding places I can’t even get to, and simply can not be found in the unlikely event that I have a visitor.

That’s my black cat Biskit, who you can see sitting atop the freezer in my kitchen staring out of the gaping hole in the blinds Ody and his predecessor Spilly made back in the day.  You can tell he’s not too keen on being photographed, and much like me, usually prefers to be left alone.  Occasionally, though, there are times when even Biskit feels the need to get some loving from his pathetic owner…

(rub, rub) Hey, dumbass! (rub, rub) Pet me. (rub, rub)

Typically, my ass will be parked in front of the computer for hours days weeks months at a time… and so when either cat wants some attention, they know where to find me.  Ody will jump up on the side table, meow, and then flop around on his back like a fish out of water until I perform my official duty of giving him belly scritches.  This is one of the few areas where Biskit is actually much more aggressive….. as you can see, he’s very direct at demanding asking for some loving.  He purrs like a lion while he rubs his head on my arm.  And if that isn’t enough to get my attention away from the porn games on my computer….

I will make you bleed. Purrrrrrr……

Out comes the claws.  He won’t scratch me…. thank goodness.  He’ll just lay his paw on my arm and dig his claws into me until I’ve realized that he’s not going to go away until he gets what he wants.  Biskit’s definitely a weird cat who can go from invisible to attention ho in the time it takes me to open a can of cat food… and I shouldn’t let Ody steal all the glory on my blog.  So Biskit, this Picture Day post is just for you!

It’s about time, jackass!

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Thumbs Up

Wouldn’t social media be so much better if there was a Fuck You button attached to posts?

Don’t want to get out of bed and have to stare down another dreaded Monday the 13th?  Well, that’s just too bad…. you have to anyway.  But at least The Nest can make the ambiance of your nightmarish day just a little more tolerable…. or less tolerable depending on your taste in long forgotten muzak.  Yes, it’s time for us to round up another mythological monstrosity out of that Bermuda Triangle of long lost hits we like to call the Dusty Vinyl Archive!  DJ Scratchy’s got a couple of tunes on tap that are even luckier than a glue factory full of unicorns, while the Sponkies are manning the complaint line ready to issue heartfelt apologies for our shitty taste in music.  Let the musical massacre commence…

The late 80’s, for all intents and purposes, may as well have not even existed for all our radios care.  Many unique and talented musicians gave it their all while we were waiting for the Berlin Wall to come crumblin’ down, and we rewarded those thousand points of pop music light by burying them all under the crawlspace as soon as Nirvana burst on the scene in 1991.  So little of what was dominating the FM airwaves thirty years ago lived to even see the next decade, let alone become a part of the celebrated 80’s music heritage we cherish today.  If there’s one thing I’ve griped about over the years on this blog almost as much as the smartphone revolution, it’s the way we’ve completely cast this wonderful time in music history out of our collective memories

This was a “lost hit of the 80’s” on Sirius XM last Thursday. That is just not right…

Among the many refugees sentenced to the island of misfit pop stars from the lost half of the 1980’s was a musician named Dean Esposito.  Back in the day, we knew him well enough to just call him Dino.  Maybe he wasn’t actually a big enough celebrity to warrant being referred to by only one name, but that’s OK.  Unlike Vanilla Ice, Dino showed us that a lame looking white person actually could take on a black music genre without looking like a complete fool.  If anyone out there actually does remember there was once a singer named Dino, this is probably the song they’d most associate with him.  Here’s Dino’s 1989 #7 hit, “I Like It.”

Dino likes it, and I like it.  Do you like it?  I guess I won’t hold my breath that you do.  I hadn’t thought much about this song until two years ago when it got caught up in an hour and a half loop of 37 songs that played over and over for almost two weeks straight at Meccas across the country.  It took a corporate muzak radio glitch to finally give Mr. Esposito the attention he so deserved in the 21st century.

Though he’s still not the most famous Dino.

And since it’s a given I will probably never ever dedicate another post on this blog to Dino the musician… here’s a special DVA BOGO that I generally only reserve for starving late 80’s artists.  Dino’s less successful, but almost as good follow up to “I Like It”… the #23 hit “Sunshine.”

Alright…. I think I’ve tortured you all enough for the start of the week.  I’ll be back next Monday with another lost earworm that Dino likes…

OK, maybe I’m not quite done torturing you yet….

Posted in Dusty Vinyl Archive | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 25 Comments

The Squirrels Of Fall

No, my fur isn’t going to turn red or yellow. That’s a stupid question.

After a dreary start to the month of November, Thursday morning was an absolutely gorgeous autumn day.  I made sure not to waste it by taking my camera to the park for some exercise and squirrel shooting (Not THAT kind of shooting!).  While it may be slightly past the peak for colorful fall foliage, the scenery surrounding the critters I was seeking was still popping with reds, yellows, oranges, and even browns and greens.  You’ll probably see a lot of that color in the next few months’ worth of Saturday Squirrel photos I post… especially since a lot of my better pictures were of squirrels in the trees…. or climbing them like this week’s featured sciurine.

Have a very wonderful and colorful weekend everyone!  And a squirrely Happy Veterans Day to all who served out there!

Posted in Saturday Squirrel | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

Expect The Unexpected

MITZI: Like, many thankies to all of you BFF’s of mine for coming to my Big Girls Toys party!

LUNA: What is this?  I thought this was going to be a Tupperware party!

SCRATCHY: (Singing) It’s such a good vibration!!!  It’s such a sweeeeet sen-sa-tion!

MARY: I’m not a big girl, but I wanna be!

SAGE: Hey!  What’s up with that possum?

RAINY: Yeah!  There shouldn’t be any guys at a gathering like this!

BUSTER: Um, why did you invite me here?  I’m too old to be playing with any toys.

MITZI: Oh, don’t you worry little possie wossie!  Mitzi brought you along for a verrry special reason!  But first…. let’s get a look at some of this year’s, like, totally bitchin’ new models in feminine self pleasure!!!

MITZI: Here’s a brand new product called the Totally Tubular Torpedo!  This state of the art phallic apparatus is guaranteed to satisfy even the deepest….

RAINY: HEY!!!!!!!

RAINY: I’ve been looking for that!!!  What have you been doing with my precious rain gauge!?!?!?

MITZI: Oh, like, no worries skunkie wunkie!  This demo has only been slightly used!

RAINY: Slightly…. what!?!?

MITZI: Want me to, like, lick it clean?

RAINY: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rainy puts her questionably used rain gauge back in her hole….. er, not that hole! Her rain gauge hole…. um….. well, you know what I mean.

MITZI: Alrighty then!  Let’s check out another exciting product from the Big Girls line!

The audience gasps as Mitzi pulls another toy out of her sack…

SAGE: That is BIG!

MARY: It’s YUGE!!!

SCRATCHY: I’ll bet it takes a shitload of D batteries…

SPARKLEPONY: My hubs would freak out if he knew I was looking at something bigger than he is.  Let me get my credit card….

MITZI: How about a, like, demonstration?

LUNA: That is too big for even a goddess like myself!  Who would dare try to demonstrate such a monstrosity?

MITZI: Out very special guest!!! (Puts her hoof on Buster’s shoulder)

BUSTER: Huh?  I don’t know how to use that…

MITZI: It’s, like, as easy as ATV!  You just stick in your vajajay!

BUSTER: But I don’t have a vaj…..

Mitzi isn’t about to let a thing like anatomy stop her demonstration…

MITZI: You do now!!!!!

BUSTER: I’m gonna just waddle on into the bathroom to finish bleeding out….. excuse me, ladies.

Buster exits dragging the latest demonstration behind him.

MITZI: (Shouting towards Buster) The tampoons are on the top shelf next to the horn cream!  Now, let’s see what else Big Girls Toys is having a special offer on….

MITZI: Ah yes…. maybe this will be, like, the perfect size for the less experienced critterettes out there!  This solid head pin is a total cinch to bowl over even the driest approach when the ball return isn’t working!  Look closely as….

Mitzi begins fidgeting around uncomfortably….

RAINY: I sure hope you aren’t using one of your own products as you try to sell us this filthy paraphernalia.

MITZI: I feel weird……. like……. o…. m……g…… (holds her belly) what just happened?

SAGE: You’ve obviously been getting too much protein in your diet…

After several more minutes of strange behavior, Mitzi raises herself up and looks under where she was sitting….

SCRATCHY: Dafuq!?!?

MARY: Oh my!  Are those…..

SPARKLEPONY: Eggs!?!?!?

MITZI: That was the first time I ever pooped from there before!

LUNA: How on god’s shelf did you just lay eggs?  I’m pretty sure I didn’t give that capability to unicorns back when I was creating this universe…

MITZI: I don’t know…… but…… does this, like, mean…… I’m a Mommy now?

RAINY: Who have you been rolling around in the hay with lately?

MITZI: You mean, like, in the last couple weeks or just last night?

RAINY: Mitzi, you are such a slut!  You honestly have no idea who the father of these eggs could be, do you?

MITZI: Well, I could narrow it down to, like…. four or five….. hundred.

SPARKLEPONY: Some malecritter on this shelf is about to owe you 18 years worth of foal support!  Top shelf help who that might be….

MARY: They’re not gonna be very happy your pills didn’t work….

RAINY: Or that they were too cheap to buy a raincoat!  Mitzi, you should keep these eggs a secret from the guys until they hatch.  They’ll flip out if they discover one of them might be a new dad two times over…

MITZI: OK.  Like, this is totally under wraps then!  Thanks grrlfriends for being so supportive of Mitzi the Mommy!  I need to start knitting some diapers!

SCRATCHY: You got it, Mitz!  This doesn’t leave the room….

Meanwhile….. on the other side of the shelf…..

SNUGGLE: YES!  Nut flush again!  (Scoops up the pot)  Come to Uncle Snuggie!

CHIP: A flush of what suit?  I see diamonds and clubs and….

SNUGGLE: Boobs, dude!  I got all boobs!

FUZZYWIG: The odds of getting a boob flush are about 4:20.  Who’s got next deal?

RAINBOW DONKEY: That’ll be me.  Six card stud…. blondes are wild.

SNUGGLE: Dude!  Do you MIND!?!?  You’re covering up my view of the hole card!

SHADOW: You all better enjoy the frivolity of this illegal gambling with peep show cards while you can…. I’ve got some bad news for you all.

FUZZYWIG: Uncle Sam just busted another of my favorite MARIHUANA farms?

SHADOW: Worse than that, my masked friend.  Seems the shelf’s favorite dime Mitzi had a couple of buns just come out of the oven.  Someone here is about to be the father of twins….

Playing cards, dollar bills, and a few stiff drinks are all simultaneously dropped to the floor….

ALL: WHAT!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!??!?!?

SHADOW: Two eggs just appeared that have some unlucky critter’s chromosomes all over them.  Who’s put their junk in that trunk lately?

SNUGGLE: No, man….. this like, can’t be happening…… I mean, there’s no way it’s me!  I’ve only had…. um…… a couple times…… no wait, I forgot about that time at the laundromat last week…. dammit!  I knew I should have sprung for that vasectomy!

FUZZYWIG: No, man, not me!  I haven’t been near that unicorn in months!  Well, maybe other than all those times I was too high to remember what I was doing.  Surely I didn’t….. man, I need to start using the cannabis patch!

CHIP: Well, don’t look at me!  I’m one of the more well behaved critters in this gang, and I wouldn’t be hitting up our resident bimbo………….. more than…………….. a few times………. oh, shit.

RAINBOW DONKEY: I would never betray my wife by cheating on her with another mare.  If I keep telling myself that, I might actually believe it’s true…….

FUZZYWIG: Well, Troll?  What about you?

CHIP: Yeah, we know you see Mitzi too!

SNUGGLE: Dude!  What the fuck are you doing…..

TROLL: I’m going to have to steal this card and hang it up on my bathroom wall next to my Cabbage Patch centerfold!

SNUGGLE: DUDE!!!!  Quit twiddling your twig to my special playing cards and snap back to reality!!!  Mitzi just laid eggs!  You might be their pop!

TROLL: Huh?  What?  Oh…… well, crap!  I can’t resist her “tips” when I deliver pizza to her stable.  I guess that means my unemployment checks will start getting garnished!  Ain’t that just fucking grand?

SHADOW: Yes, too bad.  It sucks to be all of you….

FUZZYWIG: Not so fast, Mr. Dumbreon.  Who have you been banging at the Pokestop lately?

SHADOW:  How dare you accuse me of being the sort to train with such an utter bimbo.  I am an upstanding Pokecritter who would never………………

SHADOW:  OK, I guess I did have one moment of weakness recently.  Do you have any idea what it’s like to have blue Pokeballs and run into one of the best female trainers around to take care of them?

FUZZYWIG: So we’re all in this together, gentlecritters.

CHIP: As well as every other denizen of this shelf that would call themselves a male.

TROLL: You know, I’ve been thinking of having the Jenner procedure….

RAINBOW DONKEY: Too late, Troll.  You’d just become the world’s first deadbeat mom…

SNUGGLE: This is AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SNUGGLE: I don’t want to spend the prime of my life supporting two kids I’ll have to somehow learn to tolerate every other weekend!  Why does sex have to actually get chicks pregnant anyway!?!?  That’s so unfair!!!  (Takes a huge swig of his booze)  It’s like getting absolutely plastered and then having an 18 year hangover!  No!  This can’t happen!!!  I can’t be a dad!!!!  I don’t wanna be a dad!!!!!   MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted in Shelf Critter Theatre | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

Spoiled Brats

These are the same people who grew up to rant about millennials…

Welcome to another wild Wednesday where The Nest is about ready to put another of your favorite songs through its possum blood stained wringer of torture!  It’s time for the next entry in my ever unpopular Top 30 Iconic Songs I Can’t Stand countdown!  Let’s see what song DJ Scratchy and the Sponkies will be giving two thumbs down to and sending to detention this week…

#24. “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” – Simple Minds

It was apparently a law in the 1980’s that if you released a major motion picture, it had to include at least one original song on its soundtrack that would go on to become a huge radio hit.  So much of the music that has come to define that decade was first heard in Dolby Digital Surround Sound at a theater near you.  No other era in pop music history can even come close to matching the 80’s plethora of super movie hits, even if we did kinda forget about some of them

Somewhere out there somebody has to remember my song!

But one thing we sure didn’t forget about were those two awful songs that rode the two biggest Brat Pack movies of the mid 80’s to the top of the charts… the theme from The Breakfast Club which is fittingly titled “Don’t You (Forget About Me)”…

Again, like last week’s entry, this isn’t really a terrible song.  It just doesn’t stand up to the incessant overplay it has received for the last thirty years.  What gives this song extra annoyance points with me, however, is that it completely obscures the great work Simple Minds did outside of a shitty John Hughes film…

The only Breakfast Club that The Nest cares about.

Simple Minds didn’t even want to record this damned song… and they were far from alone.  The Fixx, Bryan Ferry and Billy Idol (Can you just imagine that?) all rejected this piece of shit as well… and it took a LOT of convincing to get Jim Kerr and the gang to sign off on doing it.  And even after its amazing worldwide success that made them quite rich and famous, it was another decade before the group even accepted “Don’t You” as a part of their legacy by including it on one of their own albums and performing it live.  I don’t blame them, because Simple Minds did a lot, LOT better music than this tired old coming of age canard.  “Sanctify Yourself” is an awesome 80’s song you never hear anymore, and “All the Things She Said” is maybe the most inexplicably underrated music video of all time…

Who wants to perform someone else’s shit when you can be a true independent artiste like these guys?

I alluded to that second well known Brat Pack film earlier, and I can’t end my diatribe about lousy 80’s soundtrack music without also giving it a kick in the nads.  John Parr’s “St. Elmo’s Fire (Man in Motion)” just barely beat out the song nobody is allowed to forget about for the honor of NOT appearing in my countdown… but the songs share something in common other than a group of forgettable actors.  John Parr fucking kicked ass with his song “Naughty Naughty,” yet gets labeled as a one hit wonder in the 21st century just because rtro radio stations apparently threw out everything but their 80’s soundtrack albums!?!?  Life is just so unfair…

The only St. Elmo’s fire The Nest cares about.

Come back next Wednesday to watch me wipe my ass with another classic song….

Posted in Iconic Songs I Hate Countdown | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments