Balls Of Fun

Only one of my balls is actually blue.

I’ve logged some time in the toy department again this year… so the good news for you is that you can expect another fascinating roasting of some of this year’s most fucked up toys coming to The Nest sometime closer to Christmas.  The bad news is my incurable hoarder ass has to be tempted by too much weird shit that I think would make a great addition to my already overflowing shelf.  “Blind bags” where you have no idea how you are going to get ripped off until you’ve already blown the money are all the rage these days, and so it was that I couldn’t resist dropping $4.97 each on something called “5 Surprise” by some company calling themselves ZURU.

Can you tell which ball was intended for which gender?

Each giant plastic ball contains five miniature surprise toys inside.  There’s a blue ball full of boys toys and a pink ball full of girls toys to show how far we’ve come since the days of Susan B. Anthony burning her corset.  Turning the balls around, you can see an awesome collage of all of sample toys that could very well be inside each plastic casing, but probably aren’t.  Badass looking robots and monsters on the blue ball, and enormous eyed overly cute animals and princesses on the pink ball.  Could the next star of Shelf Critter Theatre be inside one of these treasure orbs?  Well, there’s only one way to find out…

Oh look, I got a sea creature!

Using either your teeth or a dangerous pair of scissors (Kids, let your parents handle the sharp objects  and cut their femoral artery open), remove the extremely tight plastic wrap and by trial and error figure out how to disassemble the damned ball.  I finally got the result you see above… the ball splits into five orange slices that bear a resemblance to a flower you’d find on really bad 1970’s kitchen wallpaper.  So, I just have to peel open each arm of the plastic starfish one at a time to reveal my prizes!  Let’s see what kind of manly man stuff emerged from the blue ball…

AAAAAAA!!!! Squish it!!!!!

My first surprise toy is this handsome little spider who, based on his bright coloring, would probably be poisonous as shit if her were real.  Perhaps a relative to the Sydney funnel spider who will liquify and suck out your brains?  I think I’ll let the cats play with him…

I’d be pissed off too if I were suffocating on our atmosphere.

Next up is this cute little manta ray…. or possibly one of those robot vacuum cleaners that scoots across your floor and bumps into everything.  I’d say the next toy out of the ball could be Aquaman, but I suspect he’d be in the pink ball…

Yo! Time to cut a bitch!

Well lookie there, I got a ninja doll…. er, action figure!  Just the hero I need to save me from my new deadly pets lurking behind him.  And I just realized I now have three more fun ways for Buster to get killed off…

Nobody would ever expect a ninja on a skateboard to come for them…

A skateboard!  Woohoo, I never owned a skateboard before.  Hell, I could barely roller skate… and still needed a pole to grab onto to actually come to a stop.  Since this skateboard is twice the size of our ninja, he’s either a stealth munchkin or that board was built for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Titans…

Like, rawr and shit.

And finally for the masculine side of our surprise stash, I get this spiky little stegosaurus.  I’m not sure why his legs are so bunched up together though, unless maybe he’s constipated… which shouldn’t be the case for a herbivore.  Which makes you wonder… can you imagine the size of the landmines that were left all over the place back in the dinosaur days?  You thought stepping in dogshit made for a crappy day…

OK, the boy toys have been uncovered.  Let’s give the pink ball a…

Sliced balls.

Oh dear.  The pink ball utterly fell apart while I was trying to open it, much to the amusement of the male critters looking on.  Oh well, we can’t let manufacturing defects deter us from our enjoyment.  Let’s peel back the curtain on our first girly toy…

Crabs? No, I don’t have crabs!

It’s a mermaid!  Aw!  A mermaid who apparently can’t sit up on her fish tail, and is condemned to just flounder in the sun until she turns into a nice sushi.  And this mermaid is special for reasons other than just her lack of mobility and cross eyes…

Go ahead and warm me up, toots!

Supposedly the mermaid changes colors when she’s hot to trot.  Well, no amount of feeling up this fishgirl was enough to make her change anything… meaning either my hands are too cold, or this gimmick is full of shit.  Ignoring the last piece of advice, I decided to light her on fire and that finally made her change color to a sooty black…

Great, now I have something that can literally kick ass.

Our second pink gift is this amputated foot from a stripper, which apparently makes a better keychain charm than a rabbit’s shoe.  I don’t quite get the purpose behind this toy, much like high heels themselves.  but I guess I now have a base for that A Christmas Story lamp I was wanting to make…

Shit, it must suck to be a girl.

My next surprise was a tube of silver glitter… I think.  I guess I can use it to decorate the shoe or make the mermaid look like she caught mercury poisoning in the Cuyahoga River.  But other than that, this is just a mess waiting to happen.  Even the manta ray vacuum won’t get all those silver flakes out of the carpet…

Don’t laugh at her, she’ll poke your eye out.

This is either a misshapen, discolored head of a lady who has a really bad acne breakout… or it could be a smiling cactus head.  Actually, I know it’s supposed to be a cactus head because she came with the same bullshit paper the mermaid did about changing color when heated to 87 degrees.  No, she didn’t change color either when I held it… but my hands turned a lovely shade of red from all the fucking needles this prickly bitch left in me.

Call it in the air, mouths or tails.

Last but certainly least was this coin shaped disc with a set of lips on it, which by this point in the ripoff game that was the 5 Surprise pink ball of shame, was probably a sign from the company that I could kiss their ass.  So there you have it.  No ponies or kitties or monsters (other than cactus head), just more garbage to add to the shelf that may or may not turn up in one of my Friday stories.  Now if you’ll excuse me, the mermaid wants heated up again…

It was a pleasure to burn…

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#76 – Night Of The Living Squirrels

Photo taken: March 9, 2017

Two straight days of the photo countdown featuring wild and vicious beasts?  Well, it is October after all.  This squirrel’s got a look that would kill as well… and that’s not all about this scene that’s terrifying.  What is that in his mouth?  Is that a….. human finger!?!?  You might want to let out that blood curdling scream right now and lock yourself in the bedroom.  OK, that’s almost definitely a stick in the squirrel’s mouth…. but looks are all that matters, and it looks like something out of a B horror movie.  I had a bit of fun running this as my April Fools Day edition of Saturday Squirrel last year…

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#77 – Hooge Poomah

Photo taken: July 25, 2013

The cat is not really huge, or a puma, and yes… I know how to spell.  The term comes from an old blogger whose blog is no longer accessible about a legendary big black cat on the loose in her area.  This black cat whose path I crossed on the walking trail one summer day did not look like any ordinary kitty.  That is a face straight out of a National Geographic magazine.  My old camera didn’t have a very good zoom, so he wasn’t that far out in the field away from me… and maybe I should have been afraid for my life with a vicious cat like that giving me the predator face.  But I bravely took his photo for the enjoyment of my readership….. and then ran like hell all the way home!

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Dance Of The Dead

It’s that time of year again!

The weather and the leaves may finally be changing… but the content of my blog on Mondays will forever remain the same.  That’s the day The Nest becomes The Music Man… and right now, we’re knee deep in our Top 30 Novelty Songs of All Time countdown!  Unlike a few weeks ago when the sounds of sleigh bells could be heard here, this time the countdown is a bit more seasonally correct.  DJ Scratchy’s stirring up the next quirky tune in her cauldron of classic rock witchcraft, while the Sponkies practice their zombie paintball skills…

#12. “Monster Mash” – Bobby “Boris” Pickett & The Crypt-Kickers

Although Christmas has long been the holiday with the most traditional songs associated with it… Halloween is generally the king when it comes to music you can find on the pop charts that can perfectly set the mood.  It’s not a Halloween party unless the DJ’s playing “Ghostbusters,” “Thriller,” “Werewolves of London,” and “Somebody’s Watching Me.”

That’s it… I’m calling Huey Lewis and reporting you!

But the ultimate All Hallow’s Eve party hit came early on in the rock and roll era… and is a novelty song in every sense of the word.  In 1962, Bobby Pickett donned his best Boris Karloff accent and introduced the then-dance crazed world to some new moves called “The Monster Mash”….

A musical tribute to just about every classic horror film from its golden age, “Monster Mash” has helped bridge the gap between the classic monster tales of yore and our traditional celebration of Halloween.  I’m sure Bram Stoker and Mary Shelley had no idea their creations would become the iconic mascots of future Halloweens, or that we would be so obsessed by their monsters that scenes like this were possible…

Who says you couldn’t have a mixed family in the early 60’s?

Bobby Pickett also engaged in that all American philosophy of milking a successful enterprise until it was completely dry and the udders hopelessly chapped.  “Monster Mash” was re-released numerous times, oddly remaining on the pop charts for the majority of 1973, not just at Halloween.  But Pickett also created numerous less successful and thankfully less known spinoffs of the original Mash… such as the Christmas themed “Monsters’ Holiday” in December 1962, “Transylvania Twist” which was only mentioned in “Monster Mash” became a full fledged song, and yes… in the 80’s Bobby was still at it writing “Monster Rap.”  I’m not making that up, yo…

Word to your mother!

Please come back next Monday for the next spooky tune in our Novelty Song countdown…

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#78 – Grey Squirrels At Night

Photo taken: October 28, 2013

Trivia question: What is the most read post ever on Evil Squirrel’s Nest?

Answer: “Grey Squirrels At Night,” a Saturday Squirrel post I wrote in August 2014 that was based on a few ten month old photos I took of a squirrel chase through my backyard tree where the sun was at just the right angle to make everything seem silhouetted.  The post has soared to #1 on the all time list thanks to it being one of the top recommended pages on Google for anyone searching for whether squirrels can be nocturnal creatures or not.  The photography in it is pretty eye catching as well, and this is my favorite of the batch… the “vampire squirrel” photo as I refer to it.  Lucky for this nut…. er bloodsucker, the sun’s still pretty low on the horizon on this early late October morning.

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