Share Your World – Week 23

Posted on June 11, 2019 by

It’s that time of the year again when everything in my house is suddenly covered in black and I can’t breathe…

Tuesday is the day The Nest gets awkwardly close to all of our wonderful readers and invades your personal space with more world sharing courtesy of Melanie’s weekly Share Your World questions!  You’re just dying to see what horrible and wretched things you might learn about me today, aren’t you?  No?  Well, too fucking bad!  No… don’t leave!  You’re not going anywhere!

Have a seat!

There, that’s better!  Now that I have my captive audience, let’s roll out the logo!

We’re just the universe’s kickball.

What do fish do all day?   What thoughts do you think they have?

As with most families who have kids that have no concept on the practicality of things, we had a few experiments with keeping aquariums when I was growing up.  Experiments which failed even harder than a nuclear reactor at Chernobyl.  Poor fish.  Poor, poor ick covered fish.  What can those kept in captivity by cruel humans possibly be thinking….?

CHIP: Do I even want to know?

FUZZYWIG: What?  It’s my pet fish.

CHIP: Fuzzy, that’s a mermaid!

FUZZYWIG: It’s half fish.  And the bottom half, so we’ll be able to give a half-assed answer to this question.

CHIP: Why is she in your toilet bowl!?!?

FUZZYWIG: Why not?  Fish swim in their own poop, so why shouldn’t they swim in my poop too?

CHIP: That’s disgusting!

FUZZYWIG: The dog drinks it.  Hey, don’t knock it ’til you tried it, dude.  That reminds me of my favorite poem…

If it’s yellow, let it mellow
If it’s brown, flush it down!

CHIP: What color is vomit?  (Putting paw to mouth) Asking for a friend…

FUZZYWIG: Alright little fishy, tell us what you’re thinking right now.

MERMAID: (Thoughts) My sister gets a lifetime contract with Disney, and I get stuck in Shelf Critter Theatre!  Just put me in a box of crumbs at Long John Silver’s already!

What celebrity would you have as a SPOUSE, if you HAD to choose?

Definitely not Lorena Bobbitt….

Does Mitzi count as a celebrity?  She certainly does around here…

Any time, dear. Any time.

Who wouldn’t want to call a lovable ball of fun like Mitzi their very own?  Well, there’s the whole interspecies love stigma that America has yet to get over… but given their booming popularity, I’d bet unicorns would be the first win the right to marry humans.  And of course, with Mitzi being Mitzi, you’d still probably have to share her…

Everyone <3’s Mitzi!

What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever broken?

Who is that ugly dude in the reflection?

Above is the totality of the damage I did to an SUV in the only at-fault car accident I’ve ever been in.  I T-boned it (with my awesome Neon!) at about 10 miles per hour while trying to make a left turn across three lanes of backed up traffic while 500 miles from home on vacation eight years ago.  The guy (Who was from Texas…. this happened in Oklahoma!) was super nice and we both turned in the claim to my insurance without having to get the police and their book full of tickets involved.  But I’ll bet that little bang up cost thousands of dollars in bodywork.  Or who knows, maybe it was so expensive they totaled the vehicle and I really did break it completely.  I never found out, but it’s a ghost from my past I’d just as soon forget anyway…

When was the last time you slept more than 9 hours in a stretch?  Why?

It’s not uncommon for me to sleep that long on Saturdays, being the day after my first night back to work.  Working overnights, your sleep often comes in lots of short and a few very long spurts…

Though I still can’t sleep 23 hours a day like cats do…

Share something you were really grateful for this year (so far):

Yesterday may have been the first absolutely gorgeous weather day we’ve had this year.  It was sunny, it was only moderately warm, there was a very nice breeze, and the muggy, soupy feeling from all that rain was completely gone!  If I were an outdoors person, it would have been a great day to do something.  At the very least, I’m sure the squirrels enjoyed it…

This is the life…

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Simply The Best

Posted on June 10, 2019 by

Congratulations! You win this squirrel trophy.

Need a shot of motivation to face the start of another sleepy summer spring week?  As always, The Nest aims to deliver your Monday dose of musical java complete with an earworm at the bottom of the cup!  On that slightly disturbing note, let’s sift through the burnt filter and see what got lost in the grounds of that gigantic coffeepot of caffeinated tunes we like to call the Dusty Vinyl Archive!  DJ Scratchy will be your audio percolator to help you wake up on this fine morning, while the Sponkies sleep in since school’s out and they have nothing better to do.  Let us fill your ears to the Brim…

I’ve brought it up time and time again on this blog, but there’s absolutely no disputing that the 1980’s were the golden age of movie soundtracks spawning Billboard hits.  Just about every film that was big in the decade had at least one song steal its share of airtime on the radio, and a number of those songs have lived on to still be played in retro formats today.  There was one pretty famous movie from the 80’s that apparently didn’t have a cut from its soundtrack worthy of being on the charts…

I’m trying to do what you’re doing, Mr. Miyagi. But my hands still hurt from waxing your fucking cars all week long!

The Karate Kid was one of the more beloved movies of 1984… cementing Ralph Macchio and Pat Morita in the only roles they’ll ever truly be remembered for, teaching us that bullied kids need to try fighting back for a change, and giving us the classic catchphrase “Wax on, wax off!”  Despite the horrific reboots it has recently inspired, it remains a true classic of its time.  However, while the sequel made a hit out of Peter Cetera’s and Amy Grant’s crummy duet, the original could not do the same for its primary theme song.  And that’s a goddamned shame, because it is one of the most awesome inspiring rock songs to ever pump up an underdog…

Joe Esposito isn’t exactly a household name when you think of the great stars of pop music past.  He made a career out of being the guy in the background… being a member of Donna Summer’s backing band during her disco heyday, and later providing the backing vocals to the also underrated (and likely future DVA honoree) Brenda Russell hit “Piano in the Dark.”  And it would figure Esposito finally gets the BIG song in a BIG movie, and it doesn’t even dent the pop charts.  This poor guy got crane kicked right in the damned nads!

That’s not how karate works…

“You’re the Best” was actually intended to be the fight theme to 1982’s Rocky III, ultimately losing out for that honor to the uber-iconic song “Eye of the Tiger,” which is right up there with “Don’t Stop Believin'” and “Summer of ’69” for most overplayed songs of the 80’s.  Perhaps had Joe Esposito’s magnum opus been used for Rocky Balboa rather than Daniel-san, it would’ve gained more popularity and lived up to its potential of being… well, the best.  Instead, it gets confined to the annals of DVA history along with all the rest of the unfairly rejected music that I feature here every week out of pity…

I’ll trade my passion for this glorious snooze…

Come back next Monday for another song that got dealt a low blow by the music gods…

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The Swamp

Posted on June 8, 2019 by

Quick! Someone fetch a Shop Vac!

Last Friday seemed like a perfect day to head to the park for a desperately needed new batch of photos to add to the world’s largest squirrel picture archive.  Alas, despite having had two dry days in a row, this was the scene I was treated to not long after I entered.  Even the areas that hadn’t become giant puddles of water still had soaking wet grass.  It became quickly apparent that unless I wanted to go home and put on some hip waders, I wouldn’t be able to freely roam the park as I normally would stalking the little rascals.  This is what it looks like in low lying areas when you don’t get an extended period of dry weather for months on end…

At least I was able to capture one swamp creature before I left to fill in a Saturday Squirrel post…

Anyone know a good agent that sells flood insurance?

Have a great weekend, everyone.  And keep searching for that higher ground…

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Paperwork Writer

Posted on June 5, 2019 by

a box full of junk

If it’s Wednesday, then it must be time for The Nest to whip out our virtual dartboard to create something from anything in our little feature we call Random Image Inspiration!  Let’s see what unlucky numbers the Randomator spit out this week…

24, 86, 22, 18

The 24th post in my Reader was this one by Phenny (Sorry, River, you were one post too late…)

The 86th word in that post (wrapping around…. twice!) is “a”

The 22nd word in that post is “we”

Did you know there’s some kind of Taiwanese beverage store called “A~we?”  I didn’t until just now.  Two crappy little thumbnail pics of that place were the 18th and 19th search results, which weren’t prominent enough to get pulled.  So….

Putting “a we” into Google Images brought this up as the 20th result….

AGNES: What was your mother’s cousin’s great-aunt’s first grade teacher’s maiden name?

ROGER: Christ, Agnes!  Aren’t we almost done with this paperwork?

AGNES: Applying for a marriage license isn’t easy, Roger.  I warned you.

ROGER: I thought we were in the clear after we gave ten gallons of blood to be tested.  This complicated form is giving me a headache!

AGNES: It isn’t doing me any favors either, dear.  Do you remember what the Gross Domestic Product of New Zealand was the day we became engaged?

ROGER: Why do they need to know that?  We’re getting married, not setting up an embassy!

AGNES: Life’s full of silly red tape.  OK, let’s see…. everything’s answered on Page 957…. I think we’re finally done!

ROGER: Halle-fucking-lujah!  Now let’s get this thing to the county clerk’s office before we both croak!

CLERK: Next.

ROGER: It’s about time!  We were standing in line for six hours!

CLERK: (Looking at watch) I have exactly three minutes and forty-six seconds until my mandatory thirty minute lunch break starts.  Please state your business.

AGNES: We filled out all the necessary paperwork and would like to get our marriage license now.

CLERK: (Thumbing through the thick wad of paper) Hmmmmm…. I see.  Everything seems to be in order.  (The clerk whips out an official looking document, slams a rubber stamp on the seal, and hands it to Agnes)  There you are, congratulations.

ROGER: 900 pages of asinine questions for something to be issued that quick?

CLERK: Sorry sir, but I’m just doing my job as the laws of this state and county so dictate.  I’m sure you’ve been through this before…

AGNES: No sir, this is both of our first times getting married.

CLERK: Oh.  Well, I just assumed that…. well….

ROGER: (Putting his arm around Agnes) We’re high school sweethearts!

CLERK: Interesting.  Most couples who met that way get married not long after they get out of school.

AGNES: But we…

ROGER: Mister, I don’t know what you’re getting at here, but we DID just get out of school!

The clerk gives the couple a baffled look, and despite the fact that his mandatory thirty minute lunch should have already started, he takes a peek inside the license application once again… then he sees something that makes his eyes bulge out as he looks back and forth between the papers and his clients.

CLERK: Th-th-this says you’re both only……….. twenty years old!

ROGER: Damned straight!

AGNES: Are you possibly suggesting that I don’t look my age!?!?

Agnes turns her head towards the mirror on the side wall and then taps on Roger’s shoulder to turn and share her horror…

AGNES: H-h-how did this happen, Roger!?!?

ROGER: I knew filling out all those fucking forms was taking years off our lives!

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Share Your World – Week 22

Posted on June 4, 2019 by

The five day forecast is brought to you by Rainy, and will feature more of this.

Tuesday is the day that The Nest shares its world…. although I’d be more inclined today to just say you can have my world.  Work’s been icky, the weather’s been icky, my town’s being overrun by bandwagoning hockey fans…. enough!  It’s time for some escapism in the form of Melanie’s weekly SYW questions!  Time to flip a finger or ten to the world…

Haaaaaaaaaaaaands across the water! Water…

Do you think there is such a thing as a ‘gendered’ brain?

Whether it’s the brain or something else in the body, there is absolutely something that makes most men act like “men” and most women act like “women.”  Don’t ask me to elaborate, but don’t insult everyone’s intelligence by saying Venus and Mars don’t exist because it presumes some form of gender inequality…

Snuggle Bear is a male.  Like pretty much every male who wasn’t castrated at birth, Snuggle thinks about sex every six seconds.  It’s what guys do… don’t demonize us for it.

Mitzi is a female.  Like pretty much every female, Mitzi…

MITZI: Mitzi, like, totally thinks about sex-ay times every six seconds too!  Even oftener, since Mitzi can’t, like, tell time anyway!

SNUGGLE: Fuck yeah!  I like a chick who thinks like a man!

MITZI: Then, like, totally put your big hand and your little hand on Mitzi’s knobs and wind her up!

Mitzi!  She takes a licking, and keeps on ticking!®

What is the silliest fear you have?

The only real fear I have is of lightning, which I don’t think is silly at all… though I’m definitely a lot more unwilling to be outside if it even looks like there may be lightning than most other people.

I’d have never got back to 1985.

There is one kind of silly worry I have that I even once alluded to on this blog before.  When I am eating hot food, I have a somewhat irrational fear that I’m going to end up faceplanting into the plate… and if you think about what it would be like to have your face covered in hot food….. ick!  This is prevalent enough that I will often move my plate over just enough to where it’s not directly in front of me…

That may be bad table manners, but my cats don’t mind.

Out of your family members, who are you closest to?

It would be my Mom now, who I have lunch with every Thursday and take on the occasional errand.  I see my youngest sister a lot as well since she’s still in town and is the primary companion for my Mom.  I’m not much on social calls and don’t do Nosybook at all, so although I’m on good terms with the rest of my family, I rarely ever interact with them…

My four sisters. Pity the poor, oldest, only boy…

What is something you’ll NEVER do again?

Click on that flashy little ad that pops up and says I’m the ONE MILLIONTH VISITOR to this site and I need to click here to claim my FANTASTIC PRIZE!  Ah, the olden days of a naive internet newbie.  Actually, thanks to my popup blocker, I really never will do that again…

Don’t click it, Snuggle! She’s loaded with viruses!

If you’d like, please share a photo or a comment about something good that’s happened recently!

I got a $52 refund check in the mail after my insurance agent found something on my home policy that shouldn’t have been there.  That’s about as good as it gets this week….

Hopefully I won’t spend it all in one place…

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