Share Your World – Week 15

This is how Major League Baseball turns a significant moment in American history into a complete mockery.

Maybe I’ll be there to shake your hand, maybe I’ll be there to share the world that they’ll be giving away when we all live together.  On second thought, scratch that.  I’d like to continue living by myself, thank you.  But I will share my world by answering Melanie’s questions because that’s what I do on Tuesdays….. usually, anyway.  Enough with the penis monologues… let’s get this party started.

You’ve come a long way, Pangea…

Guns?   Are you pro or con?  Explain your point of view.

Forget arming bears… let’s arm squirrels!

I haven’t fired any type of a gun since I was a kid and my Dad would let me (and sometimes my sisters) shoot bottles at the levee.  I tend to freak out anymore if I see a gun.  I don’t like them personally, but I believe this question’s directed more at the political debate over guns… which is an entirely different beast.  All I will say is nothing will affect our actual (not perceived) safety, nor do I believe it is possible to quell the fervent nature of NRA nation…

Thanks Nerf for making us such a fucked up country!

How would your country change if everyone, regardless of age, could vote?

I don’t know if anything would change at all.  This is basically just adding kids to the voter pool… and while kids are supposedly more subject to propaganda than adults (though I’d argue most people of any age don’t have a very objective BS filter), they probably mostly go along with their parents and everything ends up a wash.  The wildcard would be the teens who might be more rebellious… but unless they start allowing voting via smartphone app, I doubt that demographic would be a force at the polls anyway…

Where do we text our votes again?

What’s your cure for hiccups?

YAY!  15 weeks in, and it’s my first SYW repeat question!  Maybe this one will become as popular as Cee’s infamous “Inherit XXX amount of money tax free” question.  I’ll have to make sure I answer it a different way each time it pops up….

So forget what I said in January.  My new cure for hiccups is….. surgery!

There we go! That will take care of your pesky diaphragm!

What’s the coldest you’ve ever been?

I wake up in the middle of the day (Yes, night job) freezing to death sometimes.  It’s weird, and I shiver worse than I do on a winter day.  Maybe it’s my cold heart…

Yes, I have ice water in veins.

If you would like, share a story, a photo or some thoughts on you may be thankful for this week!

I am thankful that the construction that closed down the intersection in front of my workplace for two weeks finally seems to have ended yesterday.  The only other way into our Mecca parking lot is to reroute to a different intersection a mile down the road that gives you the grand tour of the empty commercial center my city built a decade ago that was supposed to feed off of our Stupidcenter expansion.  What a waste of tax money that was.  At least Lowe’s moved into it….. until they closed down in January.  Anyone want to buy a huge retail building…… cheap?

Plenty of parking lot cracks that can be used for gardening!

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Music With Kick

Looks like this song will be a soprano.

There are only three things in this life that are a certainty…. death, taxes, and Monday earworms.  The Nest is ready to once again conduct a thorough audit on the past and check for songs that have long since been deducted from the public conscience.  So let’s pull another long lost hit out of that vast ledger of musical accounting that we like to call the Dusty Vinyl Archive!  DJ Scratchy’s got a little help in rounding up this week’s tax free tune, while the Sponkies get claimed as dependents to ease the music department’s tax burden.  It’s time for The Nest to put the EZ in your 1040…

One of the reasons I created the Dusty Vinyl Archive three years ago was to help bring forward great songs from several decades ago that seemed to slip through the cracks for whatever reason.  I always enjoy reading in the comments of these posts about how someone hadn’t heard that song in years and had completely forgotten about it… even if they wish I hadn’t reminded them of it.  It’s fun to spark long lost memories in others’ brains…

Wow! It’s like it’s 2014 all over again!

Despite having a pretty good knowledge of music from my younger days, I still occasionally come across a song I hadn’t heard in years and which hadn’t entered my thoughts in a long time.  That happened this past Valentine’s Day when I was reading ghostmmnc’s blog.  Barb was participating in the “Love Is In Da Blog” challenge, and for the love song from the 90’s day, she chose this song which looked for the life of me to be some obscurity I’d never heard of before……. until I played the video and I instantly recalled the chorus!

There are one hit wonders who are famous for their (recognized) sole accomplishment in pop music… and then there are bands like Saigon Kick who are just as well remembered as zero hit wonder groups.  The South Florida rock group got on radios across the nation in 1992 for the amazing ballad “Love Is On The Way,” which hit #12 on the US Hot 100.  There are no screaming guitars or crazy ass drummers making all kinds of racket in this rock song… this is all about the voices and the great acoustic guitar riff that plays throughout.  It’s about as mellow as my pal Fuzzywig in the late afternoon, but sounds a hell of a lot better than what “real” rock groups like Aerosmith and Guns N Roses were putting out at that time.  There wasn’t much I liked about the music of the early 90’s, but maybe that’s because all of its best songs got kicked into the dumpster of music oblivion…

OMG! I found Dan Baird!

More lost earworms are on the way, and you can see them in my eyes next Monday…

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Spring Has Sprung

squirrel in blooming tree

Hey, no peeping! My curtains haven’t grown in yet…

This Wednesday there was finally a day where the weather was reasonable, I was off work, and had time on my hands… and that meant my first squirrel photo trip to the park since last September!  I wasn’t there very long, but I got a handful of decent shots that you’ll see in the next few weeks of Saturdays.  Here is the perfect photo to start with since it has a squirrel eating behind a web of branches that are all starting to bloom.  This has been a very Springlike week with temps in the 60’s and 70’s and even threatening 80 on Thursday.  Even the post-cold front day yesterday was not bad for mid April with it only dipping into the mid 50’s.  Unlike the past handful of winters, this year the first extended look at Spring actually waited until Spring to show up… and hopefully it will stick around for a while and keep the summer heat at bay until at least June….. or July….. or how about it just stays Spring the rest of the year?

Oh wait, this is a Saturday Squirrel post, not a weather report.  Sorry for straying away from the cutie who should be front and center today…

Have a great weekend everyone!

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Tax Day

UNCLE SAM: Damn the torpedoes!  The Shelf’s treasury is down to its last million bucks.  Looks like it’s time for me to put my vast executive powers to good use and collect some more taxes!  Not too much…. just enough to bleed every critter on this Shelf dry.  I’ll need to conscript a sidekick to help do my dirty work…

SAM: Well, if it isn’t another pork barrel project coming over from Congress.  You’ll do, pig.

HAMMY: Oink?

SAM: I need you to grab that bucket there and help me collect taxes from the constituents.

HAMMY: But this bucket says “TEXAS” instead of “TAXES.”

SAM: Haven’t you ever heard of the phrase “close enough for government work?”  Enough squealing, let’s go steal from the poor and give to the rich!

And so the Shelf President and his porcine aide set out to collect what is rightfully not theirs…

SAM: Good day, citizens of the Shelf!  I’m here to make your tax burden just a little more burdensome.  Pay up.

RAINBOW DONKEY: But Mr. President, we’re just a working class family struggling to make ends meet…

SPARKLEPONY: Oh please, you haven’t worked a day in your life, Rainbow Donkey!

SAM: Save the excuses for your cellmate in debtor’s prison.  Your hard earned money in the bucket…. NOW!

SPARKLEPONY: Don’t do it, dear!  We don’t owe any…

RD: That’s all I can spare.

SPARKLEPONY: Any cow tippers out there want to take a shot at my hubby, because he’s the biggest pushover in the world!

SAM: This isn’t even close to your share, Pointy Head!  You better throw in some more of your assets!

RD: OK, fine, sir…

SPARKELPONY: HEY!  What are you doing!?!?  Let me out of here!!!

RD: You should be able to get top dollar from the glue factory for my old nag.

SAM: Well played, son!  I’ll consider your debt paid…

SPONKIE 1: But what about Mommy!?!?

RD: What about her?

SPONKIE 2: Daddy!!!  You can’t let them take Mommy away!!!

RD: I’ll let you and your brother stay up til 11…

BOTH SPONKIES: Bye Mommy!!!  Have fun at the glue factory!!!!

Sam and Hammy haul away Sparklepony and sell her off to be made into slime.  Then it’s off to the next victim’s house…

SAM: Is that what I think it is?

FUZZYWIG: That depends on what you think it is.

SAM: I don’t have time for games, son!  Did you pay your rightful taxes on that MARIHUANA?

FUZZYWIG: You mean the 420% sin tax you charge down at the dispensary?  Uhhhh, yeah, sure.  If you say I did.

SAM: This doesn’t look like it was grown by one of our government approved cannabis farmers!  The quality is too good.  You will pay your tax on this weed or be arrested for possession!

FUZZYWIG: Gee, what a bad time to be poor.  If only I had some way to make a little jack in a flash… (turns and looks at Fleabag)….

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! FILE AN EXTENSION! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

SAM: I’ll save you the trouble and sell this mangy mutt to the Chinese buffet myself, keeping 150% of the proceeds.

Hammy nudges Fleabag into the collection bucket.

FUZZYWIG: Well, this turned into a glorious day after all.  My taxes are paid off and now I can smoke my dope in peace and qui…

FUZZYWIG: Hey!  Come back with my good stuff you pot thieves!

SAM: NOW you’ve paid off your tax debt.  And provided the “refreshments” at my next Cabinet meeting…

ZAC: OhMyGod!  It’s the Prez!  The POTUS!  Hail to the Chief!  This is awesome!  Can I have your autograph?  I think I have a stiffy!

SAM: I’ll wipe that unnatural smile right off your face when I demand you pay your taxes!

ZAC: Taxes?  YAY, I love taxes!  Sales tax!  Income tax!  Thumb tax!  Tacky tax!  Yippie ki-yay, time to pay through the nose!

ZAC: Take it!!!  Take all my money!!!  Money can’t buy happiness! Nosireebob!  I’ve got money coming out the wazoo!!!

HAMMY: (In the midst of putting Zac’s money in the bucket) Wait, was this money really up your…..????

SAM: Let’s go right now, Pig.  Nobody should be this happy to get robbed blind and it’s giving me the creeps more than that naked portrait of John Quincy Adams in the Lincoln bedroom…

Who’s next?

SAM: Alright, possum!  I know you haven’t paid your income taxes this year despite being gainfully employed.

BUSTER: But Mr. President, I work for the Shelf Critter Theatre production company.  They don’t pay me any compensation for my services.

SAM: Bullshit, son!  They must be paying you under the shelf…

BUSTER: No sir, and I don’t have any money to collect.  Not a dime.  That’s why I dig in trash cans for food.

SAM: Well, if you have no money then I guess we’re going to have to collect what you owe Merchant of Venice style…

HAMMY: Sir, I think this is more than a pound of flesh.

SAM: Well, he can file for a refund next year then.  Let’s take him down to the same joint we sold the dog to and move along…

SQUIRREL CHILD 1: Look!  It’s the guys from our history books!

CHILD 2: Yeah, the famous leader!

SAM: It’s good to see the schools are teaching our future voters about politics.

CHILD 3: Did you shave off your square mustache?

SAM: What!?!?  Why you incorrigible little brats!  Pay your taxes or you’ll spend the next 14 years in detention behind bars!

CHILD 4: But we’re just kids, we don’t make any money!

SAM: I’ve heard you kids get an allowance.

CHILD 2: No we don’t!

CHILD 1: Honest!

CHILD 3: Who snitched on us?

CHILD 4: I’ll bet Pipsqueak ratted us out!

LITTLEST: Did NOT!!!!

SQUIRREL MOM: What’s going on here, boys?  Didn’t I warn you about talking to strange preverts?

SAM: I was collecting our rightful taxes on the allowance you pay them.  And since these rugrats don’t look like dependents to me, I’ll take the back taxes you owe the government as well, ma’am.

SQUIRREL MOM: Oh dear, I haven’t any money to spare.

CHILD 1: Leave our Mommy alone, you meanie!

CHILD 2: Yeah, go back to your opal office and sit on your Tweeter!

CHILD 3: Mommy’s not gonna let you take our money away!

CHILD 4: Yeah, she loves us!

SQUIRREL MOM: Well, I guess if I can’t claim my children as dependents anymore, I may as well sell them off into slavery to pay my taxes.

SAM: I hope you kids know how to build a wall!

LITTLEST: MOMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

SQUIRREL MOM: I won’t miss those annoying voices.

SQUIRREL DAD: Oh dear, you sold off the children again?  Should we make some more?

SQUIRREL MOM: Taxes won’t be the only thing getting cut if you put that thing near me, honey…

Next up…

SNUGGLE: Oh shit, federal agents!  Dude, I never touched that girl!  I don’t care what Chris Hansen says!

SAM: We’re collecting on behalf of the IRS, and you owe us a bundle!

SNUGGLE: Come on, man!  Take it easy on a working bear!  Do you know how much candy and unicorn printed panties cost these days?

SNUGGLE: This is all I got, I swear!

SAM: That’s nowhere near enough to cover your debt, son!

SNUGGLE: Dude!  I’m still paying in that high tax bracket I was thrown in when I was shilling fabric softener!  I can’t afford…

BIG SCRAT: Is this man harassing you, honeybunch?

SNUGGLE: I am NOT your honeybunch!  I…

SAM: Wait a minute… is this your domestic partner?

SNUGGLE: My domestic what?

SAM: Domestic partner.  Gay marriage is legal now, you know.

SNUGGLE: What?  You think he’s my husband!?!?  Dude, there isn’t a gay bone in my body!

BIG SCRAT: I can put a gay bone in your body…

SNUGGLE: Go away you creep!!!

SAM: It’d put you in a better tax situation if you were married….

SNUGGLE: I’m not a….. wait a minute!  You mean I could…… if I was married to…. well, I guess I can be gay for as long as it takes for you to leave.  Sure, that’s my husband.

BIG SCRAT: I knew you loved me, Snuggie Wuggie Teddy Bear!

SNUGGLE: NO!  I was just….

SAM: I think we’re ruining this beautiful romantic scene, Pig.  Let’s roll…

BIG SCRAT: I can’t wait for the Big Day!  I got dibs on wearing the tux!

SNUGGLE: Noooooooooo, what have I done!?!?

MITZI: Prezzy Wezzy!!!  Like, have you stopped by for another lapdance?

SAM: Sorry toots, but I’m here for business this time rather than pleasure.

MITZI: But Mitzi can totally mix business with pleasure!!!

Mitzi begins doing her routine on the pole…

HAMMY: Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal!!!!!!

SAM: (Looking down) I hope she’s about done because Air Force One is starting to emerge from the hangar, if you know what I mean.

MITZI: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, let’s totally make it rain!!!!

MITZI: So, like, what did you think of Mitzi’s sex-ay dance?

SAM: I’d love to stay and exercise my “pocket veto,” but since you just summoned exactly what I came here for….

MITZI: But that’s, like, totally Mitzi’s tips!

SAM: No, only a percentage of those tips are yours… and that percentage is zero.

MITZI: But how is Mitzi supposed to make money if the gutterment just takes it all away?

SAM: That’s not my problem… I’m sure someone here will buy you a drink in exchange for a private show.  (Tips his hat) Carry on, ma’am.

With their bucket now overflowing, Sam and Hammy head back to the office to restock the treasury.

HAMMY: Wow, Mr. Prez, you sure did collect a king’s ransom today!

SAM: This is chump change compared to what the taxpayers still owe me!  But, it will tide over the budget until the next time I shut everything down again.

HAMMY: It’s a shame we have to take all that money from the critters, but I guess tax money at least goes to good use funding all the programs and services the government provides for its citizens.

SAM: As if.  This money’s all earmarked for a kickass new golf course I’m building in the rose garden!

HAMMY: You can’t screw over the good citizens of this Shelf like that!  This money should go back to the Shelf critters!  I think I need to have a talk with the media about what’s going on in this Administration…

SAM: Whoa!  Easy there, Pig!  No need to squeal about anything to the fake news!  So you want to help out the critters on the Shelf?  Fine, I think I can arrange for that…

SAM: Here’s your weekly allowance of government cheese, underprivileged citizen.  And on behalf of the generosity of the Shelf government, please accept this Easter ham to go along with it.

TROLL: Fuckin’ A!  It really pays to be poor these days…

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Share Your World – Week 14

Enough metal to build my very own Space Shuttle.

I pre-empted Tuesday’s take on this week’s Share Your World questions so I could show off how much of a coin hoarder I am… but now it’s time to pay the piper and provide more irreverent answers to Melanie’s thought provoking questions.  Cue the cue card with the logo…

Technically, these earths are flat.  Take that, Columbus!

What does a successful relationship look like to you?

The hell if I know.  Let me consult with the Shelf’s resident happy couple for some insight here…

RD: I would say that Sparklepony and myself have a very successful relationship with each…

SPARKLEPONY: Who said you could leave the stable yet, Rainbow Donkey!?!?  I thought I told you…

RD: But dear, ES wanted us to show what a successful relationsh…

SPARKLEPONY: My husband comes home reeking of Mitzi’s perfume, my husband spends the night in the barn!!!  You know the drill by now, mister!

RD: But Sparkles…

SPARKLEPONY: Don’t you “But Sparkles” me Mr. Can’t Keep His Gluestick To Himself!  (Pointing towards the backyard) MARCH!!!!

RD; Sigh, yes dear…

SPARKLEPONY: That’s more like it!  Now this relationship’s looking even more successful…

If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance at winning medal for?

Fucked up playtime with my toys…

I’m not sure what the East German judge is going to think about this routine…

What do you wish you knew more about?

Movies

No Hot Seat for you, ES…

What is better in your opinion – asking for forgiveness or permission?

I don’t know… I don’t really like to do either.  I generally don’t feel the need to apologize for anything I’ve said or done intentionally… even if I might eventually feel guilty about it, on principle I stand behind my words and actions.  And if there’s something I feel like I need to ask permission for in advance, I’ll probably just not bother to do it anyway.  If you have to ask, it’s not worth the trouble…

I don’t need permission to lay here. Fuck off!

What’s the best thing about your life right now?

That I can’t think of anything really bad about my life.  I’ve always believed in happiness through eternal pessimism.  Remember, it’s the optimists who are more likely to end up disappointed with the way things turn out…

The Nest’s rain gauge is always half empty… and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’ll keep the sarcastic gratitude to myself this week and get right on to the moment you’ve all been waiting for… the counting of the change!

I asked my readers Tuesday to guess the total dollar amount of change that was in these three buckets I cashed in that morning, with the blogger who was closest earning the right to prompt a future post of mine.  Here are the guesses we got in order from least to most…

draliman – $127.47 (His other guess was absurd, though I wish it was correct)
Ally Bean – $210.00
ksbeth – $296.00
franhunne – $305.27
ghostmmnc – $410.19
Pam – $521.37
rivergirl – $752.00
Melanie – $800.00
Phenny – $887.00
Arlene – $953.53
Merby – $1,997.00

The Nest brought in its crack accountants to make sure the final tally was as accurate as possible…

SQUIRREL CHILD 1: Yeah, we’re whizzes in math!

CHILD 2: Straight A students!

CHILD 3: Who get C-minuses on our math tests!

CHILD 4: Mostly…

LITTLEST: Shut up, guys!  You’re making me lose count!

CHILD 2: Need to borrow some extra fingers and toes, Pipsqueak?

LITTLEST: I’m telling Mommy!  Now let’s see…. divide by the square root of pie are squared, carry the six and divide by 69…. and the total is…….

Five hundred thirty-six dollars and eighty cents was the sum of all that spare change!  That makes Pam the easy winner of the contest, missing the actual mark by a mere $15.43!!!  Not bad at all!  So Pam may feel free to offer me an idea to make up a post about sometime in the near future down in the comments section.  Thanks everyone for playing along with this online version of guessing the jellybeans in the jar…

Next up… how many possums in the box?

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