Meet Tina

It’s time for another Thursday backstage meet and greet with your favorite stars of Shelf Critter Theatre.  This week, we’re going to take an extended peek at the Shelf’s spunky little sparkplug of a filly Tina… and hopefully be able to do so without digging into Uncle Snuggie’s secret stash of Polaroids…

Is this how you wanted me to pose on your car, prevert?

NAME: Tina

SPECIES: Unicorn(let)

SHELF PERSONALITY: Tina plays a seemingly innocent, yet very streetwise young girl who know what it takes to stay out of real trouble in the very corrupt Shelf Critter Theatre universe.  A real pip, she has a side that’s even wilder than her Aunt Scratchy… and is a heartbreaker for all of the little boys (and even big boys) who try to win her love.

You all can look, but don’t touch!

RUNNING GAGS: Tina’s most common misadventure is running into the gang’s creep, Snuggle Bear… who has an unhealthy and completely illegal crush on her.  Tina loves to string him along… even seemingly falling for Uncle Snuggie’s candy bribes.  Tina is extremely excitable, and bravely stands up to even the most hideous of threats the Shelf may throw her way…

Get out of my way, Bedhead!

Tina claims to always smell like Disney Princesses bubble bath, and is usually listening to her Foalz Bop CD… which she likes much better than the music her Aunt Scratchy prefers.  Tina is a greedy little thorn in the side of the Shelf’s Bad Santa.  She also looks up to Mitzi, who… as you would expect, is a terrible influence on her…

Mistress Mitzi is, like, the best teacher ever!

ESN PREMIERE: Tina was first pulled off the shelf to play the crippled young Cratchit child in my five part parody of A Christmas Carol back in 2015.  Her personality in that story was that of a kindhearted little girl who was slowly dying from a dreaded unicorn disease that was causing her horn to grow backwards into her head.  That may be one of the must fucked up situations I ever accidentally created…

Or maybe it was an episode of My Two Moms.

WHAT’S IN A NAME: Like a number of her castmates, Tina’s name came from her appearance in my besmirching of Dickens.  Since she was playing the Tiny Tim role… I changed the name to Tiny Tina for a girl.  When she began appearing in later posts, I simply used the name Tina for her.

ICONIC SCT ROLE: As great as Tina was at playing Little Red Riding Hood, I have to give the edge here to her series of adventures walking to school in the episode “I Missed The Bus.”  Just about every classic Tina encounter can be found in that post… including making off with all of Uncle Snuggie’s candy.

So easy, it’s like taking candy from a prevert!

WHAT IS SHE?: Tina is a mini My Little Pony figurine that came in one of those collectible blind bags that are all the craze these days.  While the more well known MLP characters of today were supposedly in that collection, Tina was not one of those rare to find more famous ponies… making the whole thing kind of a ripoff.  She was then a generic unicorn thrown into the series named Cherry Spices… who apparently (Yes, I had to look it up) later made her way into the canon of the MLP cartoons.

Yeah, I’m like all famous and shit!

WHERE DID SHE COME FROM?: The blind bag was an impulse buy one morning after work at Mecca in 2015 when I was getting other stuff I actually needed.  Three years ago, the blind package mini collectible trend was just getting started… so it seemed like a novel idea and I put out about three bucks to buy one.  It was three dollars well spent to get a pip like Tina…

You gotta love that strut!

CAN I GET ONE TOO?: If you can Google “MLP Cherry Spices,” you can find all kinds of little Tinas for sale for various prices.  She may even be in some of the current minifig sets you’ll find in your local toy department… though I’d imagine only the 2015 version would look exactly like my Tina.

I want every design of MEEEEEE for Christmas, Santa!

I’ll give you the inside scoop on another colorful SCT character next Thursday…

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So What?

This screenshot came from the video for today’s song…. which is about to get skewered on Cupid’s arrow.

Happy Valentine’s Day!  Yeah fucking right.  The Nest is not a fan of either the commercialism or the sentiment of this unholiest of holidays (usually)… unless it involves VD unicorns that I can turn into blog stars.  But needless to say… since the day that men everywhere dread happened to turn up on a Wednesday this year, you can bet we’re going to ironically douse another chocolate covered turd of a song with a thick coating of red velvet hate for the next entry in our Top 30 Iconic Songs I Can’t Stand countdown!  Today we enter the Top 10 by smacking the shit out of a thoroughly boring silly love song that the radio just won’t stop playing…. even after a couple of blasts with a shotgun.

#10. “In Your Eyes” – Peter Gabriel

There may be no pop/rock musician I have more of an extreme love/hate relationship with than the man who nobody remembers was once the creative force behind Genesis before Phil Collins sold them out, Peter Gabriel.  “Sledgehammer” was one of my absolute favorite songs when I was an 11 year old boy, and he followed it up with “Big Time” which I liked almost as much.  “Shock the Monkey” and “Games Without Frontiers” from earlier in his solo career are also pretty good efforts…

The monkey’s behavior is quite shocking.

But almost everything else Gabriel did on his own is an enormous pile of steaming, burning, festering sewage.  I do not use such descriptively vulgar words like that lightly (usually, anyway).  He teamed up with the equally eardrum stabbing Kate Bush to record the ultimate cure for insomnia “Don’t Give Up.”  His ode to leaving Genesis, “Solsbury Hill,” is literally one of the worst songs ever written and is damn near what I chose to “honor” Peter Gabriel with in this countdown.  But in the end… radio overplay won out and I had to go with this five and a half minutes of utter claptrap that is the worst music to ever come out of a boombox in the 80’s…

Amazingly, this song came off the same album (So) that gave me such great pleasure with “Sledgehammer” and “Big Time”… and was even released as a single in between those two songs in 1986… at least only in the US.  He spared his fellow Brits the torture of having to listen to this utter rubbish.  Well… until the movie Say Anything came out in 1989 and took this song from a long forgotten black sheep into one of the decade’s most iconic movie songs in a decade that was already chock full of iconic movie songs.  Commercial radio hasn’t stopped playing it to death 30 years later…

I hope the neighbors call the fucking SWAT team…

Not so coincidentally… this was the same year US troops smoked out Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega by blasting his compound with loud rock music.  Yeah right… we just sent John Cusack down there to put this fucking song on 11 and even a hardened dictator like Noriega had to think that was unnecessarily cruel and inhuman torture…

Much like Manuel Noriega’s face.

I’ll return next Wednesday with another song I love to hate…

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Shiny Things

Ooooooooh! So pretty!

Is the prospect of another gloomy Monday taking the luster out of your week?  Well, it’s time to treat your ears to something fancy that won’t require you to make another hole in them.  This is the day The Nest digs deep to find another lost pearl of pop music out of that clammed up oyster we like to call the Dusty Vinyl Archive!  DJ Scratchy isn’t expecting much from you this Valentine’s Day… only to listen to this gem of a lost song she found buried under the jewelry box full of cubic zirconium.  As for the Sponkies…. well, they get Ring Pops.  Here’s a diamond in the rough…

MTV became one of the most popular and influential cable channels of the 1980’s, and seems like such an icon of the decade that it’s hard to remember that Music Television wasn’t exactly an overnight sensation.  It took a few years for MTV to establish itself within the music industry with its dedication to playing nothing but music videos… a format that was relatively new to its viewers and not all that well thought of by many of the established acts in rock.  Because of this, MTV was forced to fill its early on air time with a wide variety of videos attached to songs that were well out of the mainstream…

The production values were nonexistent… but the cheese factor was through the roof.

It’s a shame that my family didn’t get cable until 1984… by which time MTV had largely escaped the weird variety of its growing pains.  But VH-1 Classic, in its glory days of showing nothing but classic videos early in this millennium, helped catch me up on a lot of what I missed by being too young and too poor to enjoy the TV version of a college radio station.  One such curiosity that I discovered and grew to love was this acid trip of a song and video by a British outfit that never caught on in America by the name of Haysi Fantayzee.  Here is their 1983 effort “Shiny Shiny.”

The song is a bizarre mishmash of music backing up largely nonsensical (and even gibberish) lyrics… but I find it to be catchy as hell.  The video is somehow even stranger.  Haysi Fantayzee was a pretty odd group… whose other song of note was the exquisitely titled “John Wayne Is Big Leggy.”  The group was fronted by Jeremy Healy and Kate Garner, whose stage presence was unique even by the fucked up standards of the 80’s…

A quarter of a century before Pirates of the Caribbean, believe it or not.

The performance given by Garner in this video is almost impossible to ignore.  When Jessie J was reminiscing about the days when there weren’t hos in videos, she apparently missed this lost treasure.  Forget Madonna, Tawny Kitaen, Grace Jones…. Kate Garner was the pioneer when it came to the iconic art of being a video vixen.  She may not have the looks of Samantha Fox, the charm of Susanna Hoffs, or the ass of George Michael… but she gives a sultry and seductive performance in this old relic that was years ahead of its time and was rarely seen outside of your local gentlemen’s club.  You go, girl!

Please, do not throw dollar bills at your computer screen.

I’ll return next Monday with another shiny old toy from the past…

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Just Another Cute Squirrel

You flatter me.

Squirrels are generally pretty cute and photogenic animals, but I find this picture of a squirrel I took at the park three months ago to be exceptionally adorable.  The way he’s looking slightly up and to the left of the camera.  That big ol’ nut he’s carrying off to the side in his mouth like a pipe.  The pretty yellow Fall foliage that serves as a frame for this real life work of art.  How he isn’t perched on the limb, but is curled around the side as if he’s still climbing onto the top of it.  You can even see the lower few pawpads on his left foot!  What a cutie!  And you wouldn’t expect anything less from a critter good enough to be a Saturday Squirrel…

Have a great weekend everyone!

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Imagination At Work

APPLEJACK: Howdy, y’all!

SCRATCHY: Well, this is weird!

TWILIGHT: Why?  Because we’re talking pony toys?

SCRATCHY: No, because the four of us are never together anymore like we used to be!

LUNA: I remember those days… sarcastically mocking anything that got in our way.  It felt good to act like an asshole for a change…

SCRATCHY: For a change!?!?

TWILIGHT: Yeah… but ever since Cutter quit blogging, we ponies just don’t get the screen time we used to.

AJ: Cutter!  Come back, Sugarcube!!!

The pony reunion gets interrupted by an actual plot development…

SCRATCHY: Dafuq?  Dude, this is our scene…

SHADOW: I’m afraid not, my little mares.  I, Shadow the Umbreon, who STILL hasn’t gotten his own Thursday spotlight feature….

LUNA: Join the crowd, peasant.

SHADOW: …Am here on official business!  I have a message for all of the readers of this blog…

TWILIGHT: I’m sure everyone out there is just quivering in their straitjackets to find out what it is.

SHADOW: Ladies and gentlecritters, a reminder…

SCRATCHY: Not again… your constant reminders weren’t funny last year, and they aren’t funny this year either!

TWILIGHT: Speaking of… isn’t that last year’s card?

LUNA: We’re on Year Five, moron, and the deadline is March 1st this year!

AJ: I’m just a simple farm mare, and even I’m not that stupid!

SHADOW: I will not stand here and allow you to challenge my vast intelligence!

SCRATCHY: Says the dude who always changes into the wrong thing.

SHADOW: I… I get distracted when I’m in…. situations like this when I’m surrounded by four females…. it….

LUNA: Please do NOT give us the line about your uncomfortable Pokeballs.  There are little foals reading this whose folks can’t afford parental control on their computers.

Shadow does a Terrell Owens and pulls a Sharpie out of thin air…

SHADOW: Is THIS better!?!?

TWILIGHT: Way to save a tree there by recycling!

SCRATCHY: The gag is still lame, though…

SHADOW: It is very important that everyone out there is reminded that the Contest of Whatever is going on.  If nobody played, Evil Squirrel might get distraught and shut this blog down and donate us all to Goodwill.

SCRATCHY: Good!  I’m hoping to pop some tags…

SHADOW: As the self-appointed spokescritter for the CoW, I would like to spend some time showing people who may be intimidated just how easy it is to come up with a winning entry based on this year’s rules!

LUNA: I’m pretty sure employees of Evil Squirrel’s Nest, LLC are not allowed to enter.

SHADOW: This is just for demonstration purposes only… otherwise, I’d obviously win.  Now… the rules say we need to make something out of three different images ES found on Google.  Here’s the first one:

LUNA: How indecent!!!

TWILIGHT: I think some people like their bacon just a liiiiiiiittle too much.

SHADOW: We just need to start with some inspiration from this lovely image…

Shadow concentrates harder than frozen orange juice, and the first elements of his sample entry appear out of thin air!

SNUGGLE: Dafuq!?!?  Why am I naked in this tub with an audience!?!?  I might shit in the woods, but I demand privacy when I’m polishing the jewels!

AJ: Shouldn’t there be some water in that tub?

SHADOW: I shall summon the water bearer…

RAINY: Yeah, sure.  I’ll just dump all of this nonexistent rain out of my gauge into the tub.  Careful not to drown on all this air, dumbass!

SHADOW: I guess we’ll just have to pretend there’s water in the bathtub.  Now, on to the second image…

LUNA: There must be some mistake.  This image is too wholesome for the usual level of humor on this blog.

SHADOW: I’m afraid we have to work with what we have.  Now… how can we draw inspiration from this picture to add to our contest entry?

AJ: Awwwwwww…. love!  The bear needs a companion!

Yoooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SNUGGLE: Fuck yeah!!!  Me and Mitz taking a bath together!  Awesome idea!  Now we just need someone with a Polaroid camera!

MITZI: Oh, I’d, like, totally love to skinny dip with you in the tubby, Snuggie Wuggie Teddy Bear!  But Mitzi’s gonna be late for her shift down at the titty bar, and there’s, like hundreds of one dollar bills just waiting to be stuffed in my C string!

SNUGGLE: But Mitzi!  I need my crack…. er, back scrubbed!

MITZI: Toodles!!!

Mitzi exits Stage Strip Club.

TWILIGHT: Well, now what are we gonna do?  Mitzi was a natural for that scene!

SHADOW: Silly pony.  As the wise Yoda once said in a rare moment of good grammar… there is another.

SNUGGLE: You BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!

SCRAT: Rubber Snuggie you’re the one!  You make bath time lots of FUN!!!

SNUGGLE: When I get out of this tub, I’m gonna run your Pokeballs through the wringer…. YEOWWW!!!!!

AJ: Ooh la la!

LUNA: Well, I haven’t been this worked up since the last time I saw Brokeback Mountain.

TWILIGHT: I must say, it’s good to finally see some nice stallion on stallion entertainment for a change.

SCRATCHY: Yeah!  Push it real good!!!!

SHADOW: We still have another image to consider to complete our extremely unorthodox entry…

SCRATCHY: Dude!  Enough with the Oxford vocaulary.  Just call it fucked up, OK?

AJ: How are we gonna work that picture in!?!?

LUIGI: Did’a someone’a call for me?

TWILIGHT: Our hero!

SCRATCHY: Yeah.  Off with the overalls and in the tub, plumber boy!

BIG SCRAT: The more the merrier!  There’s enough Big Scrat to go around…

LUIGI: Mama Mia!  I’mma not’a gonna stick’a my ‘a Italian sausage inna there!

AJ: But you MUST!

LUNA: As an official Princess, it is your duty to save me… and I need to win this contest so I can order me a new pair of designer horseshoes!

LUIGI: Ahhhhhhh…. maybe, uh…. my brother!

MARIO: Here I am to save’a the day!

SNUGGLE: HELP ME!!!!!!!

MARIO: Leaping Linguini! The Princess issa under attack by a sabertooth Koopa!

SNUGGLE: I am NOT a princess!  I…

Big Scrat makes Snuggle Bear squeal like a little girl.

MARIO: I must’a save the Princess!  But’a I don’t’a have a fire flower handy!

FUZZYWIG: You need some flower power, dude?

MARIO: Mama Mia!  That’s a strange’a looking flower!

FUZZYWIG: You gotta light it first, Guido.  Then prepare to be warped to Level 420.

Mario takes a big inhale of Fuzzy’s “Good Stuff” and his wardrobe magically changes colors…

LUIGI: Hey’a, brother!  Don’t’a bogart the power ups now!

MARIO: Prepare to be’a burned to a crisp’a, you evil Koopa!

Mario uses his newfound powers to conjure up a fireball, which he unleashes at Big Scrat…..

And misses….

SCRATCHY: Well, that goof up was totally expected.

SNUGGLE: And you call yourself a hero!  Where’s Samus Aran when you need her….. SHRIIIIIEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK!!!!

MARIO: I’ll’a be back, you evil Koopa Kritter!

LUIGI: (To AJ) Hey’a cutie, wanna go’a back to my place’a for a plate of spaghetti?  Lady and’a the Tramp’a style?

AJ: You bet, Sugarcube!  Do I get to be the Tramp?

SNUGGLE: (Still being abused) Mommy!!!!

SCRATCHY: Best Contest of Whatever entry ever!!!

SHADOW: See how easy it is folks?  Now get creating!

BIG SCRAT: Anyone else need a deep cleaning?

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